Melissa has a take on cutting the hairs on ye head:
Work the pearls, but tread ye carefully with the short haircut. I did that in my mid twenties as an attempt to “grow up.†It did age me and was very depressing! A lot of young women do feel so empowered when they cut their hair. I would say, however, do not do this just for your profession. It is YOUR hair, do it if it feels right in a number of areas of your life. Do you want short hair for WORK? Wear it in a bun every day at work, if that is the only place you want short hair. Do you want short hair on a date, hiking with friends and making love to your husband as WELL as in a suit on Sunday? Then cut it.
Growing my hair long again has been very empowering for me to embrace my whole self. We have to work with our femininity in a traditionally masculine context. For me, my hair is a physical manifestation of that, just like my feminine shape. Allowing myself to be a long haired lady minister feels more integrated as a person AND more free to compartmentalize different aspects of my life. My long blond hair is a part of my current look, but I have to think about how to manage it in terms of my image. Some looks are WAY too youthful for work (or ever…) but I can enjoy wearing my hair that way on my day off or out with my husband. It took me a while to figure out that I needed to express myself differently in different areas of my life. That’s one gift of PB for me, the gift of hairstyles and clothes for “time off.â€
Don’t feel like you HAVE to cut your hair to be taken seriously as a minister. But don’t let me tell you not to!
And whatever look you choose, the sooner we all accept that hair at ANY length requires care and maintenance, the better!
PB chiming in here. *chime!*
Melissa has gorgeous hair, that’s one thing. The other thing is that she’s married with lots of little children. Her long hair projects femininity, sexiness, beauty, all good things but — and we have to be honest here — not threatening to her congregation because she’s a mother and wife. If she was a single pastor she would have to be wise about how and when to wear her hair down. I KNOW! I KNOW! I think it’s crazy, too! Believe me, I do. But darlings, it’s reality. Long, shiny hair is sexy hair and we have to pick and choose and edit our sexy. For instance, long, shiny hair with a fitted suit and knee length skirt and heels can be terrific and professional, and it can also be VA VA VOOM WOWZA SURE CAN’T GET OVER HOW SEXY THAT THERE CLERGY LADY IS! You can’t really win on this one, because just as many people find a bun sexy, too. “OOOH, sexy librarian!” The point isn’t to make this your problem, gals, it is just to say, “Be mindful.”
We’re coming out of an era where ministers were (are?) expected to be sexless beings or thoroughly domesticated beings (ie safely married to wholesome people who are equally sexually non-threatening — did I ever tell you the story about the 17th century Puritan divine whose wife got all kinds of crap for festooning her bonnet with “immodest” ribbons? Clergy spouses aren’t supposed to be very sexy, either!).
As Melissa points out, we need to know who we are and claim that in our appearance as we do in our words and actions. I am thrilled that the new generation is helping integrate sexuality with ministerial image. The Church, reeling from several decades of revelations of sexual misconduct and abuse, has been training its seminarians in awareness of appropriate boundaries and raising awareness of the emotional vulnerability caused by loneliness and isolation, ego, addiction and over-work. A lot of my colleagues in my graduating class went into the parish wicked terrified of sexual misconduct, as we had had Marie Fortune slapped upside our heads repeatedly. Many of us went into after-care situations in our first congregations and experienced first hand the way that misconducting ministers destroyed trust for generations of the congregation. I myself barely dared to think about sex and romance for the first five years in ministry and chose all of my clothes not because I liked them or connected with them, but because they were (a) affordable and (b) covered my body. That was the major criteria. I cut my hair short, withdrew into myself, stopped doing theatre, gained a bunch of weight, repressed my mojo and looked like a fat middle-aged man in no time at all. Was I happy? HELL, no! I was miserable. But I thought that was what was required.
It makes me happier than I can say to think that I am supporting a new generation of clergy in NOT having to go that route, but it still falls to me to advise you to be mindful of our recent past, and not to push too many boundaries too fast. While it is infuriating to be objectified (whether you are male or female or transgendered), we do live in a world where certain garments, certain hairstyles, and certain body parts immediately correspond to S-E-X.
Be ye wise as serpents and gentle as doves, and also be smart about your hair, doll babies.
Thanks?
I totally agree with you that hair can be a part of our sexualized image, and that WE are responsible for managing that image so far as the power in us lies. The power lies with the one making the decisions, and we should own that power and be careful who we abdicate it to. We would think it horrible if a pastor had a breast reduction JUST for professional reasons. Hair is by no means as drastic a change, but it is still a personal decision, and while I LOVE a little pixie haircut or shaggy bob, I would not want anyone to tell me that was the only image of pastor that could be female.
Also, let’s not let the short haired little hotties off the hook here EITHER, the hair is still part of the sexual image.
In my humble opinion, hair is the ultimate fashion accessory. I tend to wear mine short because I like it that way and it suits me. I can do all kinds of things with it and it makes me feel feminine, pretty and professional. My husband likes my hair as well and whenever I style it differently, there are comments from the congregation.
Image is more than our outward selves, it is our inner self shining through. If we feel badly about ourselves, it shows in how we dress, how we care for ourselves.
I’m experimenting with new hair colour, different style, in an attempt to have my exterior match my currently fragile interior. The new look is edgier, darker, but still feminine and professional. And I’m working it!
Know who you are, BE who you are, and work that look with confidence!!
Amen, I say, Amen, Andrea! I just chopped my hair into an edgy, pixie cut and it’s far “sexier” than the (only slightly) longer way I’ve been wearing it for the past year. I’m getting lots of comments that it looks “sharp, sassy, funky and feminine.” One person has also said it’s a bit “woodland nymph”! Unfortunately, short hair is all too often aggressively (and tragically, unintentionally) androgynous; but cut deliberately, it can be just as, if not more, feminine as long, shiny hair. Think of Halle Berry or Michelle Williams. Confidence and delight are your best accessories, no matter the length of hair.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, for helping us with this discussion!
I also love having long hair for day-off looks,and find that it is a rare, rare day when I wear it down for work. (A public appearance in the LGBTQ community, an office day that I know who I’ll be meeting with and feel utterly secure in the relationship. Even then, there’s always something in my purse for a quick up-do in case of hospital call, etc.)
You’re right, we can’t win, but we can decide how much of a risk to take. Other people are ultimately responsible for not objectifying me, but I can choose how much I want to help them. *Somebody* is going to objectify me in a burka, so I can’t avoid all risk, but I can do risk-assemsment. How much do I want to deal with today?
I too thought about cutting my hair short – for various reasons, but my hairdresser pointed out that I would actually look YOUNGER with shorter hair – don’t need that at the moment as a 26 year old! My longer hair makes me look my age, which is exactly how I want to look!