Beauty Tips for Ministers

Gorgeous Braids

Speaking of braids, ’cause we just were, isn’t THIS a gorgeous hairdo? I love it. The braids are done down low, which looks classically medieval to me somehow. I love the photo. I love the hoop earrings. I love the gown. This is elegance, people. I have a feeling you won’t see flip-flops on Elizabeth, here:

Hotter Than Hades

Good Lord, it’s going to be 95 degrees tomorrow. We have no a/c in our 1830 meetinghouse, of course. And an annual meeting tomorrow night in the UNair-conditioned parish hall. Now that ought to be a kick. I’d better get to BJ’s Wholesale and purchase a huge vat of bottled water. Wait, no. That’s environmentally incorrect. Maybe huge pitchers of iced water with big paper cups?

I wonder if anyone will come to church, first of all.

Second of all, I’d better heed my own advice.

This doesn’t give me an excuse to go to church with wet hair, but I’m sorely tempted, as it will be soaking wet by the end of the service anyway. Does anyone have any favorite “wet-look” hair products? Maybe I’ll slick it back in a ponytail and let it dry with some serious gel. I just don’t want to wind up dripping gooey product down my neck and back. Tips, anyone? Anyone?

Bueller?

Staying Away From Braids and Manic Panic

Well, the economy is officially in the tanker, it takes $43 to fill up my car, the dog had $400 in vet bills last month and my new man is eating me out of house and home. All of which is to say that I no longer purchase beauty magazines but I do try to spend quality time with them at the supermarket check-out so that I can give you, my darling readers, the LATEST. Well, the LATEST is that Glamour or Allure fashion editors apparently think that little 1980’s style braids are back in fashion.

Here’s former Spice Girl Geri Halliwell wearing one (and a blindingly ugly frock, too, but who’s looking at the frock!!? Miss Halliwell is NOT the modest type, pigeons!)

I’m not sure about this braid business. For one thing, it’s just too hippie-dippie, and unless you’re officiating at some Age of Aquarius ritual, I wouldn’t go there. Look how silly it looks on Gerri, with her bombshell dress and silly Marilyn Monroe white fox throw. She’d have done much better with a flowy Missoni boho dress; the gypsy hair would have gone quite well with that. There’s also the uncomfortable possibility that, if you don’t make that braid thin enough, someone might start calling you Heidi and ask you to milk the goats. Or start humming the Swiss Miss theme, if there is one.

I would avoid this look. If you’ve been wearing a braid this way, try a gentle twist fastened on the bottom with a tiny elastic. Far more adult and still adds some interesting texture.

And while we’re on the subject of misbegotten hair trends: please, Goddess, PLEASE… NO PINK, PURPLE, ORANGE OR BLUE swatches of hair. That is SO over. It was so over in 1997, they heyday of Manic Panic. Furthermore, you’re the minister now. You don’t need attention that badly.

Bad Red Hair

My dearly beloved,
Lord knows that PeaceBang loves her some violently red hair. I have never been one to promote the idea that our hair color need reflect anything found in Nature; after all, what is L’Oreal for if not to transcend the limitations of genetics?

As you can see here, I have had fiery red hair myself at times:

Whether you think that particular hue is flattering on me or not is not the point right now (although I’m happy to receive your criticism — it’s all in the past, and if you love it, maybe I’ll go back to it!). The point is that PeaceBang has been seeing some REALLY SCARY red hair out there on clergy lately, and she feels obligated to say something about it.

1. Although there is a wide variety of what constitutes “red hair,” your hair color should not approach faded pink or magenta. This tends to be an unfortunate trend on older heads, where I’m seeing a really unflattering combination of thin, fried out hair the color of canned peaches or dried out beets on too many pastors at a recent conference. If this is you, please see your colorist or get a friend to help you. And remember that deep conditioner is your friend.

2. Red hair requires careful application if it’s a home job. Again: get someone to help you! I saw at least four women at the Festival of Homiletics with aubergine-cast auburn hair with big black undergrowth patches at the back of their heads. I am pretty sure this wasn’t an intentional goth design but a testament to how difficult it is to get that color applied evenly. Make a party of it! Invite a pal over, have sangria, and color each other’s hair! Just take it easy on the sangria or you may, as PeaceBang once did, wind up with hair the shade of Ronald McDonald. Also: that purple-shaded red is really hard to carry off; especially for white women. Proceed with serious caution.

3. Henna is not better for your hair than chemical colorants, sweetpeas. In fact, it coats the hair shaft something terrible and can be very damaging. It’s also hell’s own work to correct if you screw up. Not to mention that it stinks so badly that you’ll want to avoid the entire human community for the first few days after coloring, and you don’t want to have to do that, do you?

Pigtails May Be Hip, But They’re Not Ministerial

SweetieBang and I are heading into a time of “see ya later, Stranger” because of his work hours combined with the intensive course on congregational discernment I am starting tomorrow (with a paper due every day!!). Since we both had yesterday relatively free we decided to go sightseeing in Salem, MA. I knew I’d be far out of town and put my hair up in little pigtails, wrapped with a print cotton scarf:

The scarf routine is my typical vacation look.

A pretty, zaftig gal about my age working at the local cafe was wearing long pigtails and I thought they were cute and told her so. “You’ve got to stay young somehow!” was her reply, and I thought exactly…and there’s a time for that and a time NOT to do that. This type of hairdo is fun when we’re not in work mode, but pigtails and derivations thereof can scream “LITTLE GIRL” and should therefore be assiduously avoided when we’re pastoring. That goes for cutesy barrettes and any style that prompts you to look in the mirror and say, “I wonder if that looks too immature for me.” Fellas, you can look too boyish, too, if you slick your hair to the side like a first grader going in for his school portrait, so keep an eye on your own mop, too. And for God’s sake, no pigtails on you!!

And no, braiding the pigtails doesn’t make them any more appropriate for professional wear, nor does wearing two messy buns as I did a few months ago when I was trying new fun clips and was enjoying my longer hair. Hey, how can I advise you if I don’t make some bloopers myself?

Suddenly Snow White: Going Grey With Style

In an earlier conversation, Charlotte contributed,

“As for Suddenly Snow White: make sure you hydrate, hydrate, hydrate - hair, face, lips! My grandmother had beautiful, shockingly white hair which she always wore short. She had lovely soft skin and always wore a berry-colored lipstick. I think she was more beautiful with white hair than ebony!

Perhaps the look is a little dated, but she also always wore a bright scarf tied around her neck.”

Charlotte, I am JEALOUS of your grandmama’s shockingly white hair (and believe me, the bright scarf thing may be dated, but it’s classic). The way women go gray in my family tends to be gun-metal gray, lank and just ugly. The hair loses its body, the color just looks Blas-ville and permanently greasy. To quote the famous Dreamgirls’ song, AND I AM TELLING YOU… I’M NOT GOING …that route with my hair, God as my witness and Revlon as my redeemer. How wonderful to go gray in such a way that flatters, that makes one say, “Oh, look what a new head of distinguished older person hair I have!” or even just, “I’m a silver foxy babe, man!”

I ran into a friend the other day who has let her hair go gray and although she’s very young (she’s also a gym rat and is in enviably trim shape) she just looks fabulous!!! I complimented her white-gray hair and she told me that it’s natural, “with a little help.” Now isn’t that an interesting idea… she highlights her gray hair, I think, to make it shinier and to keep the white-gray strands bright looking. I should have gotten the name of her colorist. Maybe there’s hope for my inevitably gun-metal blah, greasy strands of the future.

Roberta was wearing WONDERFUL tortoise-rim rectangular specs that made her look modern and sharp and added a great pop to her face. Her hair was cut in a mid-length curly style and she just looked adorable. I think she was maybe wearing mascara but I didn’t get the impression that she was wearing make-up at all. She has great skin.

The best description of her look was that her hair had energy to it. Her glasses and classic, simple work clothes (she works in a shoe store), contributed to that feeling of energy. She was a woman who had gone grey and looked very cool. I wish I had had a camera to snap her photo. That girl is doing Snow White Right.