Rev. K. submitted this thoughtful query,
I was inspired to write to you because of your latest post entitled “Work It!” I like that you believe one should carry themselves with inner confidence, no matter what we are wearing.
I have been thinking about “appropriate” ministerial wear and makeup and have a question for you.
I love makeup. I love bright colors. I love bright eyeshadow and bright lipstick, (although I know not to wear the two together on the same day). However, what do you think about wearing such makeup as ministers? If what we truly need to do is “work it,” is it ok to wear the makeup we want?
I do have my own “rules” such as nothing too bright on Sundays or other such times.
Makeup and clothing is a struggle for me because I think people should be able to wear what makes them happy, what makes them feel beautiful. To me it is all about embracing who you are and being self confident enough to do what you want, accepting the consequences that might come with that choice.
Really, it is a spiritual question for me. Do I truly believe in myself enough to be who I am?
When I wear unique and artsy makeup, I have “confidence, sense of self, grace, vibrancy?” (quoted from your post). When I don’t, that’s when I know my life is out of balance.
How does one balance such expression with our professional job?
Thanks for all that you do!!
Rev. K.
Dear K.,
Thank you for your letter and your question.
Now, I am going to be very boring here and answer in a practical vein, because sometimes a question calls for theological reflection and sometimes I feel moved to offer just big-sisterly advice.
My advice here is to try to have good taste and a steady hand with the make-up brush.
Because the plain fact is that while some gals are amazing at having fun with bold make-up, others are clumsy and ill-advised in their application of cosmetics that “pop.” I sneaked a look at your photograph, Rev. K., and you’re really pretty. You’re young and lovely and I have no doubt that you are totally adept at wearing, say, a bright teal eyeshadow and doing the rest of your face in a neutral way so that the total effect is chic, pretty and appropriate. On the other hand is the clergy gal who thinks she’s being individualistic and appropriately borderline sassy with make-up, who is walking around looking tragically clown-like.
It’s like my thing with blue or fuschia hair: it simply looks like a hideous rat’s nest on every adult I’ve ever seen it on, because such hues tend to be favored by bohemian types who wear no make-up and obviously don’t do a lot of hair brushing (or goth types who wear entirely too much make-up). “My hair is FUN!” they insist. I cannot and will not agree. It looks sad. It looks desperate and in very bad taste. It looks like hell, if I may say so (well, I just did).
garish, awful and tacky: the unholy Trinity
So dear K., not everyone has the ability to assess whether their penchant for edgy cosmetics, attire or hair styles works in their favor. I know that I myself do not, and make some real mistakes in the project of day-to-day dressing. I do my best, I like to take chances and fail rather than stay safe and unchanging and so I appreciate my sisters and brothers who take things to the outer limits while sometimes wanting to drag them aside and take a Ponds wipe to their faces or an editing hand to their wardrobes.
Lately I feel like carrying an extra skirt or pair of pants around with me for those unfortunate “free spirits” who seem to think that leaving their bottom half bereft of fabric is a smart sartorial choice. Good Lord, does any woman still think that an extreme mini-skirt is a feminist statement? Or a beautiful look? Or anywhere near appropriate for clergy? Tip from PB: If you could easily go from church to a dance club, you’re dressed completely inappropriately for either one venue or the other.
We must balance our need for self-expression and inner joy with our responsibility to our public image and our ministerial context and community. Photographs can be a help in determining whether we look bizarrely out of place in our context or just like the interesting people we want to be. Some who would like to project an image of free spirit simply come across as neurotic attention-seeker.
I think of bright make-up hues as being dressy and like to use them on special occasions within our congregation. That way, my sparkly eyeliner or whatever is understood by my community as being a response to a YAY! moment in our lives together.
If I wore big sparkly eyes to a fairly ordinary event, however, folks would have every cause to wonder, “What’s up with her?” Be careful that your personal creativity with cosmetics not cause consternation or distraction. First of all, that’s just bad judgment (an egregious misunderstanding of occasion). Second, it shows immaturity. A certain degree of conformity and self-editing is required of all of us; it is just part of being a loving and responsible pastor.
Fun make-up, way too much for the good Rev. Take inspiration and adjust as necessary.
Such an interesting topic thanks Rev K and PB. Very thought-provoking. One of the thoughts I had is that as ministers we are to point people to God so we need to avoid dressing or using make-up in ways that are too distracting. Do you know what I mean? I’m not saying we can’t be creative or funky or styley – there’s nothing wrong with our congregation thinking “she looks sharp today!” and then moving on to focus on God. More that if people are unable to focus on God because we are TOO distracting we probably haven’t got the balance quite right! And it cuts both ways cos if we look horribly frumpy then people may not be able to get past that either! We need to be great ambassadors without making it ALL about us. What do you think? [I think, YES! And thanks for writing! – PB]
Hi PB,
Thank you for your great and helpful response to my question. It helped me realize that creating the balance between individuality and our calling does not mean you have to lose or change some of who you are. It means you get to be a good minister and since I truly love this vocation, that balance means I am still staying true to who I am. I also liked your comment about choice of makeup reflecting a celebratory event in the congregation.
As for different hair colors, I have always wanted a pink streak in my hair but won’t do it because I keep thinking of the poor couple, who twenty years from now, has a minister with pink hair in their wedding photo!
As always, well said PB. Thank you for your help! And thank you for your kind comment about my photo.
Rev. K
This weekend I heard Krista Tippett’s 2008 interview with Kate Braestrup, the chaplain to Maine’s Game Warden service and author of (at least) two great books.
Here’s the transcript, but you’d like listening if you had the time, too:
http://being.publicradio.org/programs/2011/presence-in-the-wild/transcript.shtml
I noticed two points where she talks about what she’s wearing because she’s sufficiently, and professionally, aware of how another person is seeing her. She needs to look like a minister who’s tough enough to hang around with cops, but if the fresh widow dislikes both of those signals, she’ll tone it down. Whatever works.
Also, there’s good stuff, if you click through to the unedited interview, about how being UU works in her job.
I find bad haircuts (and color too, but esp cuts) for ministers much more prevalent and distracting than any makeup or even clothes. I think, if one can get the hair right (flattering, well-maintained, suited to hair type, etc), the rest of the makeup/clothing will emerge and everything will harmonize, because of the thought and structure put in at the beginning. I think a more-“edgy” cut–if it suits the face–can be really chic. Personally, as a minister of 10+ years, I do wear some “brights” but tastefully, I hope, and always try to strike the fine balance between frump & too-stylish. There are many mornings where I check my choices with my husband, esp new combinations of clothes. Or you could have a friend over, try everything on, and get an honest opinion of what works and what doesn’t.
Over the years, I have developed a personal sense of my clothing/make-up range, and part of that range is ministerial. I make choices based on what end of the range I’m in. E.g., I recently bought a bright, sleeveless floral blouse from Macy’s and found a cute, very fitted skirt from the Goodwill. They go great together. They will not go together for the office, because the outfit doesn’t fall in the ministerial part of the range, but the on-a-date-with-my-husband end. (I don’t mind distracting HIM :D). I did find a pair of hot pink, wide-legged crop pants which are very fun with the blouse, and worked much better for the *sniff* farewell lunch with my staff.
I always wonder about the eyes/lips balance. When I’m in the pulpit do I want people focusing on my mouth or my eyes? And since I wear glasses, do I have to go “extra” on the eyes if I want them to be a focus? If people are focusing on my eyes are they going to be able to hear me and will I lose them when I look down at my notes?
Most of the female ministers I’ve seen dressed so classic it was dreary not even a scarf or a pin. Hoping they read PB now.
I just keep coming back to this: clothing, hair, makeup are communication. They fit in a context. What looks great on you and would raise not an eyebrow in one setting will be totally out of place, even offensive, in another setting in the same culture, interpreted by the same people. (Your tip about the church and dance club is priceless.)
Of course, this is a culture where someone can wear jeans to their mother’s ordination or her funeral (I’ve seen both) and not understand that to many present they are loudly expressing a lack of respect for her. So you’re going to have to keep on explaining in detail what “appropriate” means.
Would love to see Rev. K., who clearly does get it, showing off the teal eye makeup . . .
Not entirely on subject, but I have had some of my deaf and hard-of-hearing folks tell me they like it best when I wear nice bright lipstick. It makes it easier to lip read. Percentages of congregants in this crowd are growing larger all the time.