Hello chicklings!
I got the most interesting letter the other day inquiring about the protocol on handshakes. Our poor crushed-handed minister writes,
I was catching up on PB yesterday and your Tree of Life ring reminded me to ask about rings in general. I’m single, no wedding band, etc. on my left hand. I like right hand rings, but I shake a lot of hands and it is often painful, especially with those big guys who try to impress people with their solid handshake. How do other clergy do it? I see them wearing right hand rings, but ouch!
And speaking of, would you sometime discuss handshaking. One of the aforementioned men really did a number on my hand a few weeks ago when I wasn’t even wearing rings. No one likes a dead fish, but I’m starting to worry about injuries!
My heavens! I read this and I thought, “The THINGS we have to worry about!” And then I remembered that I, too, have had my paw crushed in an overly-firm handshake. How did I handle it? I’m pretty sure I yelled “OWwwwwWWWW!!” and did a comic double-take while pulling my hand away.
Some humor is called for.
“Take it easy, big boy” is funny if you can do a Mae West and get away with it.
A step back while you cradle your hand in front of you is perfectly appropriate, but you have to smile big at the person who done it to you and say to the next person, “We’re getting him to play Goliath in the next pageant.”
Humor, humor, humor! Because you can’t be responsible for what you say when your head is swimming in cartoon pain stars, give yourself a moment. Breathe, Don’t hold your breath, it just makes things worse. And frankly, people who shake that hard need to know that they’re over-doing it. I have a teeny hand and it often just gets lost in the big grip of people with normal sized hands, but when my tiny bones get crunched, it is NOT something I can ignore.
I do make a point of switching big rings over to my left hand before church, but since the H1N1 flu outbreaks a few years back, I must admit that I don’t do much of a receiving line any more. I stand to the right of the chancel to greet anyone who especially wants to say hi, but I see no point in blocking coffee hour traffic and making everyone pass the pastor and think of something to say. I have never liked that tradition much myself – it seems kind of controlling and patriarchal (am I taking attendance?). So that spares me a lot of potentially hand-crushing encounters.
We tend to hug at my church, anyway.
If someone is overly firm with the handshake or it is flu season, I generally ask people to use eighteenth century manners and we bow/curtsy. Everyone always laughs and we greet each other familiarly.
Hmmm….as I think about this, I’m realizing that I’ve had the unconscious assumption that making sure to have a firm handshake myself prevents my hand from feeling crushed by my handshake partner. As if it cancels out somehow, or as if the one physical sensation distracts from the other or something. Is there any basis for that, or it is just one of those silly things we believe without realizing it?
I also remembering reading somewhere that politicians, who shake even more hands than ministers, usually have a “quick squeeze” technique–an initial firm grip and quick squeeze, which they then release promptly, which is supposed to keep them from getting trapped by an over-enthusiastic squeezer.
I take a little umbrage when people assume that a “wimpy” handshake is the sign of social skill difficulties.
I have two slipped disks in my neck, which cause numbness and decreased strength in my hands. On numerous occasions, I’ve been admonished by the shakee – all the while trying to squeeze their hand with all my strength. Training in the martial arts handshake has not helped. The overly aggressive squeeze crushes the bones in my muscularly-challenged hands.
Don’t even get me started on the comments about the tremor…My point is that maybe a gracious out would be to say, “My delicate hands belie a strong heart. That’s why they are cold, too.”
I hear you on both of these counts – the rings and the strong shakes. Here’s what I’ve come up with.
The right hand ring – I do my best to remember to pull it off and either dump it in my pocket or slip it to my left hand right after service, before the closing hymn is over. (I’ve debated just turning it stone side in for the crushers, but decided that wasn’t very pastoral.) Sometimes it takes a crush before I remember, but I’m getting better.
The crushers – I, honestly, in the receiving line, have a fairly weak handshake. I have no idea who has arthritis or other injuries as eddoc described above. The last thing I want to do is hurt one of my members as they walk out. (Doesn’t matter how good a sermon I write if she leaves thinking “ouch!”) When someone has too firm a grip I let up really loose and relax the hand as much as I can so it doesn’t hurt quite as badly. Honestly, I have nothing to prove when it comes to strength or honesty. I am who I am and my handshake should not be the only thing that sells my people on trusting me. I would rather opt to respect others who need gentle grips than get into a competition in the receiving line.
Hope the thoughts help! Blessings to your ministry!
I’m a laywoman, and a member of Toastmasters, where we shake hands A LOT. Recently, to pamper a sore right arm, I substituted a “namaste” (bow, with hands in the prayer position) for my handshakes. Helps to be in a chapter with many Indian members! [Nice! – PB]