I know I’ve written about this at length in previous posts but derned if I can find them right now. Anyhoo, Erika asks this,
My tangential comment is a request for a longer, in-depth post on a secondary issue in your post.
PB, it was arresting to read your comments about being assertive with photographers — it hits a sore (but hungry) spot in me. Over the years, I’ve struggled to set polite, professional boundaries with photographers and sound people at weddings. Most respond warmly; a small fraction have responded with disdain or even outright contempt.
At a recent wedding, for example, I greeted the sound guy warmly, thanked him for his work, and took the the headset microphone he gave me. I told him it was the same model I use every Sunday, that I was very comfortable using it, and that I needed to turn it on/off myself during the ceremony. (He, of course, would’ve had no idea how the ceremony would flow, when the singers would perform, etc.) The man turned purple, irate that I would not permit him to control my sound during the 20 minute ceremony. He refused to speak to me for the rest of the day; his ruffled assistant took over. And the ceremony went splendidly, precisely because I could turn my mic off when I needed to greet the couple, clear my throat, yada yada.
Being assertive can be fraught for some of us. Like me, Rev. Elizabeth projects a young, kicky image. She is a religious authority, but my experience is that there many photo or sound professionals out there for whom Young + Pretty + Hip + Authority does not compute, and who summarily ignore polite, appropriate statements such as “I’d prefer that you shoot me from a more direct angle, rather than from above.â€
When our authority is steamrolled it may just be our cross to bear, for which nothing but grace and forebearance can be offered. Still, I’d love to hear your further thoughts & advice on how to continue to project a non-anxious professional presence when some people aren’t receptive.
Then I said,
Oh HONEY. My first rule is, ask nicely. The moment that your reasonable and polite request gets ANY pushback, become all business and be assertive. If you STILL get pushback, morph immediately into Rev. Do-Not- Mess-With-Me. Perfect your steely death gaze. Remarks like, “Would you like to have it your way and I can leave, or shall we do it my way and we’ll actually have the wedding?” work wonders. Cold stare. You don’t have time to waste, and there is ONE director of this production, thank you very much. That’s what you’re trained to do, and you are responsible for the quality of the ceremony. Who cares if they don’t like you? It’s our job to preside over a religious ceremony and to set parameters and boundaries that make it possible for that to happen just the way that you and the couple discussed. Some of these folks have lost their perspective and who can blame them? With the Wedding Industrial Complex emphasizing the production over the sacred intent of the day, they actually believe that their contribution is more important than yours. Which is nonsense.
I had a wedding planner say to me a few weekends ago, “Could you just stretch the ceremony a little bit so that we don’t have dead time before cocktail hour?” I stared at her with a slightly imperious gaze, just silent. “Um, I mean, can you talk more slowly or something?”she said, slightly flummoxed. I said, with not a hint of a smile, “I don’t have any intention of changing a religious ceremony to accommodate a cocktail hour.” I mean, what a stupid request. Insulting and a waste of time. If people can’t wait for 10 minutes to get a glass of booze in their hands, what in the world have we come to? Take time to perfect your irritated scowl. Get rid of the notion that girl ministers always need to be cute and appealing. Baloney. Let them call you a bitch. So what?
My chilly response to the WP wasn’t just because of that request. It was because she was trying to establish herself as the Alpha in the proceedings and I’m sorry, darlings, YOU must be the Alpha at any wedding or funeral. Not the sound guy, not the wedding planner, not the florist or the caterer. If bringing on an In Charge persona isn’t your thing, fake one until it comes naturally. We’re not out to win Miss Popularity or to be warm and sweet and get walked all over. Don’t let it happen to you. And don’t think a thing about it when someone throws a little diva fit on you. You’re all there to do your jobs and make for a perfect wedding. Save your charm and dimply smile and warm, generous presence for the couple and their family.
That said, when the whole staff and the minister at a wedding work together in harmony, as has been the case in 95% of the weddings I’ve done, it’s a blast!! And everyone goes away feeling mutual respect for each other’s job well done and a couple’s special day well-done. – PB
Remember, without us (the officiant), a wedding is just a really freakin’ expensive party! [bingo. – PB]
🙂
Amen, PB.
At some point during the preparation for a wedding – often when some bit of the fluff’n’madness has got out of hand – I tell all my wedding couples that there is no such thing as being ‘a bit married’.
They will be just as married if they turn up in their jeans and tee shirts and we drag 2 witnesses in off the street as they will be with the flowers/choir/bells/rose petals/small children in frocks/dogs in matching collars/ horsedrawn carriages/string quartets/video/photos/whatever.
In many cases, this idea seems to be both a shock and a relief to the couple – who can then apply a little of their energy and focus to the words that they’ll be saying and the importance of what is actually happening.
Absolutely Peace Bang— I worked in Jackson, WY – the destination wedding site of the Rockies – we had very strict guidelines for what would and would not be tolerated.
I’m hard-nosed with photographers AND frankly with wedding parties themselves. I tell folks that if I see evidence of alcohol at the church before the wedding they’ll need to find another officiant.
I also tell wedding couples that my job is to be the bad guy on the wedding day. If Aunt May thinks it’s her job to tell everyone at the last minute how to walk, the wedding couple can call on me to be the bad guy to tell Aunt May that the wedding couple has their heart set on skipping down the aisle. You get the drift.
As a pastoral act, wedding’s aren’t my favorite activity. That said, when boundaries are clear and folks know who’s calling the shots, things tend to go much better for everyone.
After one disastrous experience my first year of ministry, I have since come up with clear rules and guidelines for weddings. At the top of that list – a frank discussion with the photographer. I talk about where they can and cannot go, and then say “I don’t want to know you’re here”. Most are good with this and understand.
I also speak with the congregation about 5 minutes before the service. I ask that no photos be taken during the service (processional and recessional are fine) and that they turn off their cell phones! It’s amazing how many people don’t even think about it until I mention it. I always say “you don’t want to be the one to ruin the vows with your funky ring tone”. Generally people laugh and turn them off. I say these are “my rules” and that takes the heat off the wedding couple.
true, so true.
Next wedding question: how do you (if you do) suggest to brides that they are in CHURCH and that their dresses need to have some degree of modesty? The trend in strapless bridal gowns has led to some boobs aplenty in the sanctuary; and now I have had a mother of the bride with a dress in danger of spilling the goods! Clearly I am going to say SOMETHING from now on, but I would love your take on what/how/when…
[I’d say just let them dress the way they want to. I don’t think God is offended by boobs, and it strikes me as unnecessarily involved to comment on their attire. Half the guests are going to show up in High Hootchie Mama anyway, so let it go. That’s what formal wear looks like now. – PB]
Anne’s comment brings to mind my mother’s snarky/catty/sarcastic remark close to 30 years ago “All this fuss about a wedding but not enough attention to the marriage!”
I don’t think the wedding/marriage comment is snark so much as wisdom, WBJ. My own mother said that all the time (of course this is the woman who micromanaged my own wedding down to the last detail, but what can I say ;)) I’m frankly glad that I don’t do to many weddings anymore because they just seem to get grosser and grosser. What happened to the wedding in the office of the minister with the reception at the parents’ of the bride? Seriously. . . .when anyone says they are waiting to get married to be able to afford the wedding, I have an involuntary gag reflex.
Don’t underestimate the benefit of your congregation having a wedding coordinator. A good no-nonsense wedding coordinator, who knows the church’s policies and can run interference with some of those ‘wedding professionals’ can be a pastor’s best friend!
Don’t underestimate the benefit of your congregation having a wedding coordinator. A good no-nonsense wedding coordinator, who knows the church’s policies and can run interference with some of those ‘wedding professionals’ can be a pastor’s best friend!
I was married this past month and I can give you a great big HALLELUJAH. We were married by my childhood minister who has a great amount of gravitas and authority, and no one blinked at anything he said. He was wonderful. It was a great party, sure– but the ceremony was transcendent and felt amazing, and that’s the big reason why we were there.
Everyone should know better than to be dressed inappropriately for a wedding, but sometimes short skirts happen. That’s more of an issue of (dare I say it?) etiquette than an issue for the minister. Personally, I ALWAYS bring a shawl to church weddings so I am appropriately covered. As for the bride– if she wants to be a hoochie mama on her wedding day, then there’s little to do. The only caveat is if there is a strict no-shoulders-bared policy, and that is something to discuss in advance, since bridal gowns are purchased six months out, and finding cover-up accessories needs some time.
As to the hoopla… Well, yes. It’s kind of a nightmare. And between the comfort of my childhood minister and the love for my husband, I was just excited to be MARRIED at the end of the day.
Madgebaby– the comment of waiting to afford the wedding is horrible. My family and I had a big wedding (big, close, families + ten years of dating + high school sweethearts = big, big party), but we could afford it. We saved our pennies and got creative with flowers (Costco!) and managed to throw a great party. The marriage happens when the couple is ready; the party happens when your wallets are ready. If those are two different times, just wait and throw yourselves a ROCKIN’ anniversary party or vow renewal.
Thanks, PB, for great advice on helping remind everyone of the true sanctity of that day.
Perhaps I’m just an uppity lay-person, but really I’m of the opinion that the couple are in charge of the wedding.
Don’t get me wrong, if someone uses a celebrant, then they are the professional (whether paid or not) that’s responsible for implementing the ceremony the couple want (and most definitely not the photographer or sound guy). And of course you are perfectly within your rights to make rules over what you will and will not allow.
I’m originally from a tradition where the bride & groom are the ministers of the marriage sacrament, and the celebrant is just witnessing that they do it right, rather than having any power to actually marry them. I think it feeds over to my Unitarian life.