Hi pigeons!
Thanks for your many notes of support.
Anne wrote to me that she made a contribution some time ago through PayPal that I never knew about, and this troubles me. I promise to check in with PayPal and figure it all out, and figure out a way to send you even an automated note of thanks and acknowledgment. It used to be that PayPal would send me an e-mail letting me know that someone had dropped a tip in the cup but I haven’t received even one yet… and I see that at least 25 of you have subscribed. So let me work on that. I already have a hard time archiving and responding to your e-mail inquiries (God knows I’ve dropped huge projects with some of you and I hate that, but it happens — you send me several photos and I write back to you and plan to do a big fashion spread on you and don’t get to it, etc.) – I kind of got panicked at the thought of trying to respond to each contributor. Please be patient, I’ll figure it out!
I got a hate letter today saying that I’m too angry and tacky for asking for contributions, and that I need to “be careful” because people in my district think I’m inappropriate.
I wrote back that I think that asking for a $5 or $10 contribution isn’t inappropriate, that I have hosting costs and I pay for all the products I review, and I’m providing a valued service. I’m just covering costs, for heaven’s sake. Beyond that, I aim to promote an authenticity among clergy that I think is still dicey for many of us, and that anger is one of those things that come with being human.
I’ve heard this complaint before, and I think I’m onto something serious by continually refusing to edit out my moments of ticked off-ness. I think people who are afraid of anger and would never dare to reveal their own wind up obsessing about me. It’s a trend. And it definitely feels weird and creepy, as projections always will (can I get an “AMEN!?”).
People are generally very offended by the idea of an angry woman, and especially a minister, but I know too many repressed clergy sisters and brothers who are secretly fuming all the time and it makes them sick. They’re angry for a lot of legitimate factors that are not present in my own ministry, and I want to be real for them and for all of us. It’s okay to have a personality that isn’t calm and grounded at all times; some of us just aren’t like that, and I love how many of our conversations here validate that one can serve God faithfully and have an occasional burst of temper.
As I reflect on the decline of the mainline church in America, I do think a lot about the fact that ministerial personality has played too large a part in how people think about their church. And we have played into that cult of personality by bringing a totally different face and demeanor to our work than we truly own in our private moments. This bifurcation of public and private is damaging to the individual and to the institution of the church : it sets up a “holy person” at the center of things who carries constant worry about being caught in the act of being themselves (ie human), it leads to substance abuse and depression, and it causes terrible isolation that even spouses cannot always permeate. I don’t want to promote that, be that, or remain silent about that.
As far as this “be careful” thing goes, I responded that I think the words “be careful” are two of the most life-destroying, awful words ever. This is the sort of thing that 7th graders say when they’re bullying each other, or what people say when they’re too well-mannered to just say, “DON’T BE YOURSELF. DO NOT DO YOUR THING. WE DO NOT APPROVE.” Sweet people, approval is not what we are here to earn. When people in your church or district or denomination tell you to be careful, they are trying to control you. There is no other goal. Especially if you are doing a new thing (and blogging is definitely a new thing — while blogging and consulting about ministerial image is not only new, it is totally original in the sense that I am the only person that we know of who is doing it on a regular basis!), these intonations of “be careful” are just about fear and judgment. There is nothing life-giving, productive or helpful about fear and judgment. Nothing good comes from fear or judgment. So while it’s interesting to have some anonymous person confirm my assumption that I am the topic of gossip and back-stabbing, it is not acceptable to me that any of us should conform our innovative ministries to distant, critical observers. I love productive, constructive criticism — it’s definitely a challenge to start a creative venture, have it do well, and have no one else who is doing the same work to consult with. I count on you, my readers, to do that with me as we create this together.
Please don’t “be careful,” reverend friends. Don’t ever be careful about who you are, don’t listen to the fear-voices. People who have something to offer — either positive or negative– will bother to have a relationship with you. They will not make ugly accusations from a distance but will get up close and personal and share something of themselves while contributing to your growth. That’s the only way it works.
Thank you. I needed to hear that today. :o)
Absolutely — why do you think angels always preface their scary requests with “fear not” — and you are so right about that divided life — leads to all sorts of bad stuff – sexual misconduct and abuse, financial misconduct (I deserve this because I put on such great show to these ungrateful wretches) — etc.
Good response PB. I’ve made it clear at the beginning of any pastorate that I will not address anonymous complaints or criticisms of myself or any other member/friend of the congregation. If someone believes strongly in the merits of the complaint, they should be courageous enough to attach their name to it.
The favourite comment I have heard recently on my ministry – after I broke down in tears at the end of a very painful and critical meeting – was the member of council who said “I love it when you get upset” She hastily modified this by telling me that she didn’t like me being upset, but that I showed it when I was upset. Coming as it did at the moment when I was feeling a failure for showing my pain, this has meant so much to me. We are human – and it is as human that we serve God and people. Thank you for what you have written
Excellent response,PB. I make it clear at the beginning of each pastorate that I will not address anonymous criticisms or complaints about myself or any person affiliated with the congregation. If people believe in the merits of their complaint, they should be courageous enough to attach their name to it.
You know already know that I love you and this is one of the reasons why! We clergy people are human beings too and it is high time that the folk we minister to see that. Thank you for never being “careful”.
Oh, PB. Where would we be today if Martin Luther had “been careful?” If our Founding Fathers had “been careful?”
Your critics may be galled that I compare you with them, but I don’t think it’s a matter degree — it’s a matter of courage, of honesty, or willingness to “be real” in a world that would rather “be conformed.”
So, PB, I ask that you “be real” — as you always have been!
And if you need a laugh, check out http://www.stuffchristianslike.net. Writing style often makes me laugh out loud, but as a life-long pew rider, some of the “OMG! That’s so true!” moments have left me shaking my head, too…
I want to add my voice to the chorus expressing how much I value your ministry here. I admit that you make me a little uncomfortable at times with your brutal honesty …. but then I take the time to examine my discomfort, and lo and behold! I’m really seeing my own discomfort with conflict.
Then I think what a wonderful space this is in which I can deal with my issues around keeping the peace, rather than inflicting it upon my congregation (and it can be damaging when I do that!). This space helps me to be a better minister, and not just for the fashion.
Thank you, thank you, a thousand thank you’s.
Can’t cite a proper source, but this just came by me on Facebook:
A nun told a child to “use discretion” when asking questions about God in Sunday School, lest he create anxiety in other children and himself. The 8 yr old replied quite prophetically: Why? Did Moses use discretion when he told Pharaoh to ‘let my people go?’ AMEN to the 8 yr old.
“There is nothing life-giving, productive or helpful about fear and judgment. Nothing good comes from fear or judgment.”
Amen, Amen, Amen! and thanks be to the Holy.
PB, I love you! You are so right about “be careful.” My nemesis at the last parish I tried to serve was fond of warning me that I was offending unnamed people. Sucked my soul dry.
Holy Goddess, I ask people to support me all the time at the Sunday morning offering — after all, I represent the single biggest chunk of the church budget. PB, your honesty in articulating your feelings gives me courage to question some of my emotional boundaries aka defenses masquerading as privacy and appropriateness.
It occurs to me that “be careful” is closely related to “watch out,” which is fear speaking. And love castetwe h out fear, right?
Thanks for reminding us–all of us who deal with the reality of the parish in which we hear the call the be prophets but at the same time don’t need to upset people gratuitously–that “be careful” ain’t necessarily a helpful adage!
Yes, and…I confess that I have two fb pages, one which is my “pastor” page and one which is my personal page. I believe in being completely honest and transparent with my congregation, but that doesn’t mean that I am required to bare my entire life to them. The boundaries that create good health for me mean that I need to have some friends who know I am a pastor but do not think of me as The Pastor.
Yay you! And boo to fear mongers! Reading about Theodore Parker – our oh so beloved today – who was oh so NOT loved by those in “authority” in his day ought to give pause to district and denominational (and local parish) types who seek to squelch the reality of ministry you courageously share…I say “Peacebang for President!”
Strong women (which, for me, means able to be human with all the emotions that come with it) ARE dangerous! We are a danger to the status quo. And we will be called “inappropriate”, among a host of other names, by those who fear that such strength and honesty will upset the proverbial apple cart. And it might just expose some hard truths! Strong women do get angry, and sad, and overjoyed, and deeply humbled. Oh, and inspired! You, Peacebang, inspire strength and I applaud you for that.
AMEN.
About PayPal: Find out what email address to which these folks clicked money. I get paid via PayPal and always get notification. However, if someone PayPal-sent money to one of my many email addresses not associated with my PayPal account, I’d never see the funds. PayPal is happy to keep them.
Amen to all of above. And I don’t need a personal thank you note for subscribing. You have made an enormous difference in the way I think about myself as a public person, and that’s worth a contribution now and again. Just as long as they’re getting to you, that’s enough for me. Rock on with your righteous self!
The Cult of “Nice” has killed many a ministry. And minister too.
Every blessing
I don’t post it in my office, because, well, of everything you also said about cussing clergy.
But I have a print-out of this, and I keep it in my top drawer.
http://xkcd.com/137/
While I’m sorry that this happened, I have to say that I think this just confirms that YOU ARE DOING SOMETHING IMPORTANT HERE. Something new, something needed, something that no one’s done before, something that makes the powers that be very, very nervous.
Two quotes come to mind:
1) “Behold, I am doing a new thing; even now it springs forth. Do you not perceive it?”
2) “Power concedes nothing without a struggle.”
Blessings to you.
One of my fave bumper stickers: “well-behaved women rarely make history”
PB,
I can’t thank you enough for this post. As a campus minister I have always tried to be present to my students in a very WYSIWYG kind of way, while still observing boundaries appropriate to a pastorate. This week two residents came to me as emissaries with anonymous letters claiming “some people” found me too political. Not necessarily GOP v.Dem, but too insistent that justice issues are the soul of the gospel. That my biblical interpretations were disrespectful to God.
I was, of course, devastated. I vowed to be more careful. After reading this, I’m more sure than ever that it’s time to have a respectful, insistent come to Jesus wherein I explain that I will not ever listen to anonymous letters or assertions about “some people” again. [YEP. I hope you will, and God be with you! – PB]
Thank you! Young newbies to professional ministry need to hear things like this. I applaud you and all your commenters who are setting boundaries regarding appropriate behavior in church, and bad behavior like gossip and “someone is offended” is most definitely inappropriate. Your “hate mailer” needs to grow a pair and talk to you civilly and in-person.
Amen, amen, amen. Preach it, PB 🙂
Thank you for your courage, your honesty, and God’s truth…we are not called to “be careful” but to be faithful.
There is something you said here:
As I reflect on the decline of the mainline church in America, I do think a lot about the fact that ministerial personality has played too large a part in how people think about their church. And we have played into that cult of personality by bringing a totally different face and demeanor to our work than we truly own in our private moments. This bifurcation of public and private is damaging to the individual and to the institution of the church : it sets up a “holy person” at the center of things who carries constant worry about being caught in the act of being themselves (ie human), it leads to substance abuse and depression, and it causes terrible isolation that even spouses cannot always permeate. I don’t want to promote that, be that, or remain silent about that.
That made me literally sit upright in my chair, and kicked my brain into gear.
Thank you, thank you.