Dear ones,
Shagbark inquires,
Hmmm…I’m about to start chemotherapy, and that site gave me some ideas! (It also made me laugh–especially the enormous pom-poms.) I’m pretty sure that wigs are not for me. Any suggestions for headgear that will go with an alb, over a bald female head? Thanks!
Shag, my dove, our prayers of strength and healing are with you, first of all. We do hope that the chemo properly kicks the cancer’s ass without leaving you feeling too depleted to shake your groove thang in the pulpit and in life in general. That may not be the most pastoral way to express those sentiments but chemo is no occasion for Hallmark verses, pigeons. Sometimes I fantasize that I’ll get to heaven and walk up to God on this big throne* and give him a slap across the face. I’ll say, “THAT’s for cancer, pal.” And He’ll rub his cheek and say, “I know. I’m sorry about it, too. Here. Give the other cheek a whack, too.”
Now, to Shag’s query. PeaceBang personally thinks that a stark bald head has a regal beauty to it, but understands that the hairless, eyebrowless and eyelashless look may be a bit too radical for Shagbark and her congregation. There are many rich theological explorations we might have about that: for instance, is the pastor allowed to be visibly sick, or is it a better idea to put on as good a face as we can manage and try to look as though all is okey-dokey? That depends on you, your community, your persona, your ministry and your theology.
When a pastor stands before her people with a bald head, perhaps covered by a beautiful silk scarf, she looks very different than she did before. That’s just plain truth. And she has no control over the variety of reactions the people in the pews will have. Some will see courage, some will see the face of someone they love (perhaps themselves) who have battled cancer, and some will spin out into fearful musings on their own vulnerability and mortality. If a pastor feels up to it, and because I imagine it’s so much more comfortable, I think it would be a very interesting choice to go without a wig. If the community can hold it and if the pastor has the energy for it, this could be a very rich opportunity to more deeply and poignantly investigate, among other ultimate questions, what we mean when we claim that we worship a healing God.
But let’s look at the wig option for a moment. Shagbark says they’re not for her, but let’s talk about them anyway for others of you who have chosen to wear them following chemo treatment. What can a wig do for you? Lots of things. Preserve privacy, for one. “Normalize” a profoundly challenging situation, for another. Help you feel more like yourself, protect you from sympathetic or startled stares (or, conversely, spare you the unsolicited “I’ve been there, too, sister” comments in the grocery store, something you may or may not appreciate), help externalize the message that “everything is okay” for your family and friends as well as the congregation.
Wigs can be wonderful. They can also itch, not fit right, and feel weird. Whatever you decide about a wig, Shagbark and others, PeaceBang hopes you will ditch it immediately if it feels uncomfortable or upsetting on any level. As far she is concerned, wigs are for you. If they don’t work for you, don’t feel obligated to wear them for anyone.
What about other head coverings?
I rather like this look (but not particularly in this color, lest you look like a newborn baby boy),
But girl, don’t let me catch you in this tacky thing, from the same people,
Seriously, though, they have many pretty silk scarves along with some overly-loud prints: http://www.alwaysbeautifulyou.com/
For worship, I think a pure white silk head scarf would work gorgeously and look lovely. Whatever color you choose, remember that you’ll be evoking a dignifiied, Biblical image or even that of a conservative Jewish or Muslim woman. Be aware of that. Tailor your repartee accordingly, of course, and prepare yourself to feel different vibes from your people (for at least the first few weeks) as they react to your new look. You may choose to include them in your journey intentionally by wearing a scarf while you do have hair, in anticipation of its loss a few weeks into chemo. You may choose to do a children’s homily introducing the children to the scarf. (It occurs to me to ask, is there a national organization for ministers who have battled serious illness while serving in the parish? There should be, because then you could all share the great ideas I’m sure have been gathered over many years).
For dressier occasions, Shag, please consider a classic turban. Only because turbans are fabulous and totally misunderstood and when else are you ever going to get away with wearing one ? Turbans aren’t just for Gloria Swanson. They are for any woman who can carry them off. In PeaceBang’s experience, African-American women are the queens of church hats, headscarves and turbans, so if you’re seeking wisdom and inspiration about how to do it right, seek out the sisters.
In previous posts on this subject, many readers recommended this organization, so I’ll provide the link again: http://www.lookgoodfeelbetter.org/
Let me know how it goes, Shagbark. A big kiss of peace to you and our prayers are with you.
* This is not PeaceBang’s actual theology. It’s just a fantasy, people.
A good website for full-coverage headscarves is http://www.tznius.com. They have a page called “How do I tie my scarf?” that shows a lot of very neat ways of tying a big headscarf, too.
It might not be appropriate in your pulpit, but for underneath your scarf, many women opt for henna head tattoos. It’s temporary and, I think, quite beautiful.
http://www.hennapage.com/henna/encyclopedia/medical/chemo/
Henna is also good for temporary “eyebrows.”
I found this product helpful in creating eyebrows (I had very sparse ones) during my bald days. DHC
I might add that though I didn’t have such a public position, there was a difference between how I felt about my bald head, and how I expected to feel. I bought a wig, because I thought it would be easier for me and my family to be inconspicuous. But wigs itch – especially in the summer, and just felt false to the life we were living at that time. So, I wore scarves and bandanas a lot. Also, knitted caps were comfortable, though dorkier looking than a scarf.
This site http://www.tlcdirect.org/articles.aspx?art=127 has good tips for wearing a scarf on a bald head. [Thanks for chiming in, Pam. Glad to have you here. Would you mind saying a bit more about how you felt you were expected to feel about your bald head vs. how you DID feel? Your truth may be very healing to someone else, if you feel so inclined. Kiss of peace, PB]
As someone who wears wigs all the time, I just thought I would let all those who are thinking about wigs know that they don’t have to itch. There are little mesh head coverings that one puts on before putting on the wig that make wearing them very comfortable. If anyone’s interested, I can write more about it.
1. Second the tznius.com recommendation. They have great stuff. And $1.95 flat rate shipping on any order!
2. Okay, don’t laugh (well, laugh if you want), but one of my very favorite headcoverings when I was on chemo came from this place: http://www.designwraps.com/index.asp (motorcycle headwraps/do rags). Hey, maybe you’d like a chance to express your inner biker chick, anyway? 🙂 Note that they have a section titled “Chemo Cancer Head Wraps.” Items from other categories would work, too. Many of the prints may be too Out There, but some are kinda pretty, and there are solids. I can attest that these are very comfy, secure, and adjustable, more so than most scarves, and can be quite flattering. I don’t know how they’d work for the pulpit; that’s your call. But maybe for anywhere else, you’d like them. [Another great site! Thank you! If I had the need, I would definitely rock the rhinestone one in daily wear. – PB]
3. Prayers are with you. And love your nurses. They’ll get you through this. Good nurses are geniuses, angels, crusaders on your side; I can’t say enough in their praise. Oh how I adored the kind and brilliant nurses who cared for me in the hospital and the cancer center. May you be blessed with an army of great ones.
Thanks for all of the great suggestions, as well as the encouragement and the prayers! I’ve been browsing the ‘do-rags, scarves, and caps. I’m thinking a crocheted cap in each liturgical color, and maybe a flames ‘do-rag for a hellfire sermon… I also spent some time playing with scarves I’ve already got, trying out “dutch crown” and “rapunzel” styles. (All my life I’ve had short hair–never even enough for a pony tail. It might be kind of fun to have something hanging down my back.)
And PeaceBang, thanks for the God’s-cheek fantasy. It made me laugh and cry at the same time!
Shagbark, I love the flames for a hellfire sermon.
PB, you asked about how I thought I was expected to feel, versus how I did feel, when I lost my hair. To be honest, I didn’t feel too much the burden of other’s expectations. I bought a wig (and then another) because I’m a fairly private person, who prefers to go through like inconspicuously (unless I choose to perform, but that’s another topic). I’m not a glamorous person, but I care about my appearance and thought a wig would be more attractive. Plus, I have two kids, at that time in middle school and early high school. I thought it might be easier on them not to be the ones with the bald mom.
As it turned out, there were times I was glad to wear a wig. But even with all the under-pinnings, a wig was never that physically comfortable.
And, wearing something like a scarf or cap, which covered my head and ameliorated that Darth Vader without the mask look, communicated something about our lives without having to always say it. I didn’t need (or want) pity, but sometimes, I needed some slack. I wasn’t going to be bringing cookies to the piano recital, or chaperoning the 8th grade party. People knew by looking at me that something was wrong. And, most people were surprisingly tactful about our privacy.
And my kids turned out to be great sports — weathering the bald mom with breast cancer gig with humor and kindness.
Your mileage may vary, but prayers are with you Shagbark — and do care for yourself carefully during this time.
http://www.alwaysbeautifulyou.com/ link is 404 now.