Ponchos: A Fleeting Moment of Bad Taste

I have mixed feelings about ponchos. On one hand, they allow women of size to feel drapey and glamorous in an unstructured, won’t-cling-to-chub manner.

On the other hand, they’re shapeless and heinous and their fifteen minutes of fame is well over. I saw some at a big church event in town tonight and honey, can you hear me say “AMEN?”

PeaceBang has one beautiful silk poncho that she wears in the summer with bootcut jeans and *very* high sandals and since her arms are free she feels not as shapeless as she otherwise would have been. She slathers on silvery make-up and wears big hair and big earrings, but she’s still not sure if she can get one more season out of the thing. Plus, this poncho comes dangerously close to the batik muu-muu that she has promised a close chum she will never wear, never, ever ever, and especially not while riding around a convention center on an Extremely Fat Person scooter at GA.*

Please, ladies and gentlemen, no
ambiguous crocheted “things”
unless they’re timeless, well-made pieces (think British woman walking on the heath in her woolen shawl) or you’re tall and striking enough a character to make a statement with it. If you can work the big wrap, sweetheart, work it! By all means. But it takes effort and strategy; these things don’t just succeed on their own.

P.S. Crocheted items are almost always ugly, shapeless and inevitably cheap looking, no matter how much they cost. They are not, contrary to what the lady at Dress Barn told you, “feminine and springy.” They are very fashionable this year. Caveat emptor.

* Please don’t get your collective dander up about the Fat Person Scooters. I know full well that some people with disabilities use them to get around. I also know from first-hand knowledge that in some cases the user of the scooter’s only disability is obesity. And as a Woman of Considerable Girth, it is my personal goal never to require motorized transportation for reasons of fatness only. Time may conspire to deprive us of the ability to walk at a brisk pace no matter what we do– but one of the ways we may keep our ability to walk at a brisk pace is to walk at a brisk pace!
PeaceBang is making it one of her life goals to not have to ride a scooter around GA. She has nothing against those who do, except when they yell “beep beep” and run conferees down on the way to the Service of the Living Tradition.

3 Replies to “Ponchos: A Fleeting Moment of Bad Taste”

  1. I hand knit a poncho for myself, and I really hated the way it looked on my short, plump person. I wish I had heard your advice before taking the time to do it.
    I do have a rather fabulous clapotis (a stole of sorts) hand knit of silk at significant expense and effort. I hope it looks better. I’m told so, but I’m not confident. Perhaps one of my more honest colleagues will set me straight at the Festival of Homiletics.
    Would you be interested in joining the RevGalBlogPals webring? I believe there are many who would appreciate knowing about your advice.

  2. I have to add that songbird was the first person to find my blog…she’s the first person to find EVERYONE’S blog. She’s the best welcome wagon ever. And just when I thought I’d scooped her and found someone she hadn’t found—voila! a songbird comment right before my own.

    I have not confirmed my feelings on ponchos yet. I have one that I like and everyone else loves and tells me looks fabulous. Since being told one looks fabulous is a good thing, I tend to keep it around. But it’s silk, not yarn. I tend to think I might look like a toilet paper cozy in a yarn one.

  3. My knit poncho (a lovely shade of green, purchased at a neighboring UU church’s rummage sale — is that tacky?) has taken up immediate, but sad, residence in the “bound for Goodwill” bag, never to be worn again (by me).

    Thank you for confirming my tiny hunch that it was time to retire this particular item of clothing.

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