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Back To Reality: CPE Shoes

Alas, dumplings, we mere mortals were not made to tower above the ground on 6″ Lady Gaga hooves. We do not have handlers to help us navigate uneven sidewalks and to assist us if we stumble while stepping out of the limo. We must be able to jump in the car, find a parking space in the remote lot way over by the Congo Church (as we charmingly refer to the Congregationalists here in New England — others will know them as the UCC), zip to the hospital entrance, get the room number of our dearly beloved from the nice volunteer at the front desk, cruise down slippery hospital corridors and arrive composed, gracious and pastorally prepared at the bedside of said Dearly Beloved.

For those of you doing CPE this summer, you will do nothing but cruise around those long, slippery hospital corridors moving silently and prayerfully from bed to bed, family conference room to ER, with the occasional break in the cafeteria or the rest room, and the even more occasional moment of respite in the hospital chapel.

You need good, comfortable shoes. Every year at this time you flock to me. “PeaceBang! What shall I wear for CPE?” And it has come the season for me to help you answer that question. As soon as I get a moment, I’ll be doing a lengthy post on clothing but for now, for the gals, I have found a pair of very comfortable, very durable, and not too frumpy Mary Janes that will serve you very well. They are the Toyah Mary Jane by Keen. I got them on sale at Planet Shoes for $59, but they retail for up to $90.

They are not elegantly professional. However, they are cute with pants and skirts, not too dopey Olive Oyl-looking (although they seem so in the photo), and they’re very versatile in the Madder Brown color (which is the one I bought). You can wear them with black, blue, grey, brown… they’re a good shade of rich red/brown.

I know, I know. PeaceBang loathes mary janes on mature women as a general rule. However, for someone who has been in and out of hospitals and nursing homes as much as I have the past few months, I can tell you that when you’re doing that much hustling in hospital corridors, nothing serves so well as a good rubber-soled shoe that offers excellent support, cups the foot like a sneaker, and doesn’t need shining. These fit the bill, and they win a PeaceBang Halo of Praise.

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Girlish Flats

Ladies, please be careful. No religious leader anywhere should be wearing shoes like these. It’s like saying in a cartoon Tinkerbell voice, “Hello, I’m Wee Fi-Fi Your Ballerina Minister! Let’s pirouette around and save the world with our fairy dust!”

Give them to your 14-year old niece. Please.

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And Now For Something Completely Different…

You know how you come to end of one of those weeks where you had a lot of sad, upsetting counseling sessions with people from the wider community whose plight is so complicated and circumstances so challenging that all you could do was stay on the phone (or in the study) with whoever it was, mostly just listening and being in solidarity with how crappy things are for them? And you feel super depressed about the things that never go away like addiction and emotional violence and depression and people lying their heads off and economic struggles and you think, “Well. I better check my email” because that seems like one constructive, tangible thing you can do?

Then you get a promotional e-mail from Planet Shoes or some online mega store and you click on the link, and you find yourself laughing way out of proportion to how funny it actually is that there’s a new category of shoes called

ATHLEISURE??

Yea, ATHLEISURE. Imagine saying that with a straight face in regular conversation.
“Oh, I was wondering if you could point me toward your ATHLEISURE section.”
“Those are adorable ATHLEISURE sneaker-clogs, Mary!”

This is the sort of item that makes it into the ATHLEISURE category:

Men’s Vivobarefoot Neo Mesh. WELL, pardon me with your fancy name:

This gorgeous style is called Groundhog Popeye. If you ever want to send PeaceBang to the place where people go when they can no longer function, just show up to an event wearing these and introduce yourself to me. Have an ambulance ready:

WHO WEARS SOMETHING THIS UGLY. EVER. AND WHY. Those are rhetorical questions. That’s why there’s no question mark after them.

Oh, hey, now this is confusing. It’s an uncomfortable wedge shoe cleverly disguised as a comfy sneaker. How is this “athleisure,” I wonder. If you walk for exercise in these, you’ll break an ankle. If you enjoy leisure time in these, you’ll have a 3″ wedge to deal with. I sort of don’t hate it in black but again, the categorization issue. Too sneakery to be cute, too high to be comfortable.

NEXT!

I love these Chaco shoes for men, all strapped and buckled up like we’re going someplace real rugged, like up a mountain, except it’s really just across the parking lot to pick up our kid from Swimnastics. What is that all about, Chaco? Who do you think you’re kidding? They’re athl… oh, no, wait. These are definitely leisure.

Finally — and this is how dangerous a condition you can get yourself into after a week of too many encounters with pastoral helplessness — these fascinating hybrids from Dansko that you might, in your vulnerable state, kind of find cute. They’re KEDS and they’re CLOGS. They’re KEDCLOGS. They’re KEDOGS. I don’t know. They’re not athletic, and I don’t really see how they’re leisure (they’d be cute for nurses in a pediatric care unit)… maybe “Athleisure” is the new, handy euphemism for “So danged ugly we didn’t know where to put ’em.”

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Rockport Shoes: Oh, For Cute!*

*Those of you in the Minnesota region will appreciate that “OHFERCUTE,” right? I remember! I lived there for two years.

These are cute spectator-type pumps for spring that I think would really work for ministers. They have a bit of sass factor in the faux-ostrich textured detail, a great sturdy heel, and a classic line. I kind of hate the knot (too frumpy? Or not really noticeable?), and I can’t vouch for how chic they look in person but it’s so hard to find a serviceable sturdy heel that I’m featuring them anyway. The neutral color is to love, because it goes with everything. You could rock these with a red suit, a blue suit, a black suit… the possibilities are endless. A sporty navy blazer would be very appealing with these. This look is from Ann Taylor:

They come in black, too, but I think they’re more special in the taupe, myself:

They’re by Rockport, which means that they’re guaranteed to be comfortable, and probably bare-foot friendly, too. I can see myself in a black suit with a cream-colored silk blouse in either of these, although I think the black would bring me into Matchy-Matchy Frumpland. These are so close to being Grandma’s 1940’s shoes that a girl has to make sure to style herself so that she doesn’t look dowdy. Like, NEVER wear these with a longer skirt: instant frump. You’d have to go with something sharp at knee-length.

Another super option for these pumps? A great pair of wide-leg herringbone tweed pants. Very chic, durable, comfortable and have a nice sense of elegance and groundedness.

They ain’t cheap. But they’d be perfect for a gal who wears tailored clothes and wants a snappy touch of “His Girl Friday” to add to her simple, classic look.

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Shoe Finds On eBay

Let’s giggle in a little huddle about our ebay finds!

I went on a boot spree last year and haven’t felt the need to acquire any more shoes for about a year although I do browse shoe web sites for relaxation.

But I recently had a couple of dinner parties and I was thinking fondly of many years ago when I had comfortable yet sexy strappy clog sandals that I always wore when entertaining. I wore them to death and retired them about twenty years ago. Could I find such another pair, I wondered?

I guess I’m at that age when certain garments have nostalgic appeal.

So I scoured the sites and couldn’t find anything that resembled my favorite old black leather mules. And then I found them. Robert Clergerie, a designer I had never heard of, but whose designs instantly charmed me. Chunky, sexy, beautiful leather, French. Oh, and about $500 a pair.
AS IF!!
Even on sale for $50, fahgeddabowtit.

And then, in a sign of God’s favor (because if this isn’t an occasion for ridiculous narcissistic theology, what IS?), I found them on ebay for $39:


The crack in the design is intentional, it gives the shoe some movement.

These aren’t for church, so don’t get your panties in a bunch. They’re for wearing while serving up platters of delicious appetizers to your friends while holding a glass of red wine and being really happy to be alive.