The Latest Plus Size Horrors From Asos

Someone thought that fat women wanted crochet leg pants. Of COURSE we do!

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Oh, hey, how about a pantsuit that will make you look like a sad mushroom? I’ll take one!

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This dress sure will be pretty for no occasion any sane woman would ever attend anywhere, on any planet:

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But I bet you’ve been hankering for some pants for your “I Dream Of Genie’s Naughty Sister” fantasy cosplay, right?

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This cut and color looks awesome on zero percent of the population:

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Cheap, shiny, stiff fabric cut wonky in the skirt and did I mention SHINY? So shiny. So very shiny.

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Not only does every laydee love to be a walking advert for booze, those arm fringes really seal the deal!!

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It’s so sad when Disco Tinkerbell gets caught in mosquito netting.

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Ha, ha, Asos! I see what you did there!

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On-line Vendors

Tera writes,

On the topic of Too Much Fabric. I’m 5’2″, pear shaped, on the smaller side. I ordered a few dresses from eShakti (love!). Two of them have full skirts – and I feel like I’m being swallowed up in all that fabric. Is there anything I can do about that? Can the fabric be taken in somehow?

Dear Tera,
I have been experimenting with various vendors this past year as I transition away from occasionally trying to desperately find something that fits and flatters me in the retail stores to NEVER, EVER shopping in stores.

I have tried Eloqui, eShakti, and Modcloth, all of which have great choices for plus size gals, and the latter two of which allow you to customize your garments. All of them accept returns.

I love Eloqui. Their clothes run a bit snug but they have very sophisticated options and good sales.

I am a fan of ModCloth. Good quality, good customer service.

I am not having good luck with eShakti. They have great customer service but their garments take a long time to arrive since they’re coming from India. The clothing is really lovely and well-made but always seems to have one very ill-fitting feature; say, super tight armholes or an overabundance of fabric in the bust. I, too, have ordered a skirt and a dress which arrived with a far fuller skirt than I could ever make use of (perhaps pillow cases out of the excess fabric?). I have determined that even though the customer can specify her height in the order, the fullness of the garment is the same for a 6′ and a 5’2″ gal. Since many of the cutest eShakti styles are that retro flavor full-skirt look, we short gals are winding up with too much bulk. Yes, by all means get to a tailor and have them take it in.

Extra Fabric Woes and A Good Skirt Option For Apple-Shaped Gals

It is so hard to find pants and skirts to fit when you’re carrying an inner tube of fat around your lower abdomen, which happens to be my particular challenge and I’m sure you pigeons have your own. The waist fits and the butt fits and the thighs fit but the stomach doesn’t. Or if you’re pear-shaped, the hips fit and the waist is huge. Or if you’re slim, the waist and thighs fit great but the bum is sagging with tons of extra fabric.

Extra fabric is a very sad tailoring issue to have, as it just seems like such a waste to get your polished self all together and then have to trim away all that CLOTH. But the fact is, kids, you gotta get that stuff taken in. It’s a mess. Gentlemen and trouser-wearing people, the swags of excess fabric dragging around your shoes makes you look like someone is drowning you in gabardine. Take care of it!

As I like to joke, I have a perfectly fine shape but a LOT OF IT. I have so. much. shape. A full skirt on me that fits my waist and hip girth is going to involve a lot of fabric around my thighs and legs and unless the fabric and cut are just right, that look is going to add a whole lot of volume where I just do not need it. I love a full skirt but if I’m going to wear one, I need to balance the width with a high heel, and because my feet are ridiculously tiny, those shoes need to be sturdy enough that I don’t look like a meatball on sticks.

It’s all about proportion. When you’re 5’3″ and a size 20 with short limbs, a small head and tiny hands and feet, you gotta think about proportion a lot.

I was so happy, therefore, when I found this skirt by Lane Bryant. I have determined that as much as I love full skirts and find them breezy and comfortable, there is nothing so comfortable as feeling confident.

What works for me about this skirt is the stretch cotton blend, which is ALWAYS the friend of the girl with curves. I am not in love with the asymmetrical hem but it’ll do. What also works is that the skirt is snug around the waist and tush and legs so that you can see my shape rather than a big bunch of fabric.

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I think this skirt is a bit on the expensive side, so I waited for a sale. I am LOVING the images of fat fashionistas on Instagram and Pinterest rocking full skirts and fitted tops but must sadly acknowledge that for the most part, it doesn’t work for me. So I take the inspiration from their looks and adapt for my own bod.

I’m PeaceBang on Instagram and Pinterest, if you want to follow.

Cheers, dears!

Calvin Klein Plus Size Separates

The Halo Of Praise isn’t for me, it’s for the Calvin Klein company that makes dignified plus size clothing that isn’t frumpy or over-designed or Hootchie Mama ridiculous.

WHY IS THAT SO HARD TO FIND!!?? Gott in Himmel, I am SO tired of the handkerchief hems of hell, the hideous prints, the disgusting fabrics, the unwearable styles (eg random holes in shoulders?!?), the disdain for elegance and self-respect peddled as retail garments by today’s purveyors of plus size “fashion.” Give us a break, garment designers! What is the DEAL? Is there no happy, pretty ground between Kitten Sweatshirt Frump and Polyester Disco Hostess? With CHEVRONS? If I see one more chevron I’m going to chevr–on myself!

The super terrific bonus of these Calvin Klein pieces is that they turn into suits but you don’t have to buy the top and bottom in the same size. I own this suit in charcoal grey and in this mint green and the skirt is a size bigger than the jacket, but they’re definitely a suit.

As you know, I caution against pastels, which can make us look like Easter eggs or Mothers of the Bride (which is not a problem if you actually ARE a Mother of the Bride). This pastel is very “in” right now, but I made sure to pair it with a shirt with a tiny bit of edge to it — black with splashes of mint and orange. My shoes are also a bit weird and wild (my beloved Fluevogs). I’m not sure the shoes work great, but a girl only has so many options.
I had pastel nails (not meant to match but somehow they did — yikes!), pearl drop earrings and a big cocktail ring. I pulled my hair back a little bit and faptized my make-up.

I have purchased Calvin Klein separates from Macy’s and from Dillard’s. I would say they run true to size but a little bit big and boxy. I have had to tailor the sleeves and I’ll probably get the skirt hemmed, too. I will wear this to several weddings this spring and summer. My dog jumped on me with muddy paws when I got home from the last event, so let’s cross our fingers and pray to the dry cleaning gods that the stains come out.

Click on the pictures to enlarge.

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Kimonos Are A Thing

Darling pigeons,
I am very, very sad as I write this, having just learned of the death of a former parishioner who was very dear to me. This is one of the truly awful things about ministry. “Former parishioner” is such a cold term to use to describe someone who was dearly beloved. We are not supposed to be friends with our congregants but we really don’t have an adequate vocabulary to describe the relationships we do forge. But I know you know, dear readers, and that you understand. I haven’t blogged in a bit and I got a good question recently so I am going to respond to it, just straight up. Nothing zingy or fun in ole PB right now.

Here is the question,

I am looking for a kimono style , not long sleeved, but in solid or pinstripe to wear for interviews or work. I have bigger arms and shoulders, if I put on a structured jacket it has to be sloppy thru the body so I can move my arms. Also some of these the fabric is so flimsy that it sticks to you, I want a jacket to drape nicely. Anyone know where I could get something like this?

Dear Kimono-Seeker,

You have many options. First of all, actual kimonos are a *thing* in fashion now, so if you want to explore a more Bohemian side of yourself at work, go take a look at sites like SimplyBe.com or Google “Kimono” with your own little paws and see what comes up. Most of those kimonos are made of thin, poly material in bold prints, so I wouldn’t recommend them for a more professional look. They can be nice to throw on over a tailored dress or outfit, though. I personally avoid them because the sleeves fall at an extremely unflattering spot on my arms and the bright prints make me look like Mrs. Roper.

Do not wear a kimono or unstructured jacket to an interview.

I have chunky upper arms myself and own many beautiful blazers and jackets that fit me beautifully thanks to my tailor, Sunny. How many times must I emphasize this bit of wisdom, chickens? FIND A GOOD TAILOR!!

KS, I do think that Google is your friend here, as is Pinterest. Do some research. Find plus size fashionistas through their blogs and follow their Instagram accounts. I get oodles of style inspiration that way. Did you know that Google has a “Shopping” tab? When you Google “unstructured jacket” or “kimono style jacket” you will have several option tabs to click. One of them is “Web,” one is “Photos” and one is “Shopping.” Click away and see what’s out there.

I would usually go do that for you now and come up with some options but I apologize; I’m just too sad and worn tonight. Blessings.