Beauty Tips for Ministers

It’s Hard Out There For Our Guys, Too

Whilst we reverend gals have our challenges trying to choose wisely from among the piles of fashion atrocities out there, PeaceBang has noticed that things can’t be much easier for the menfolk.

On one hand, you don’t want to be Pastor Dullsville here with no personality and no shape:

But then, what if you were trying to be fashion-forward and wound up in this, God forbid?

Or this ridiculous get-up, which caused PeaceBang to start singing the theme song from “Hustle & Flow” the moment she saw it (”It’s HARD out here for a pimp…”):

Or this, which reminds PeaceBang that anything labeled “cargo” belongs in someone else’s professional wardrobe, NOT YOURS:

AND WHAT IN FRESH NAUTICAL HELL IS THIS???? They simply can’t be serious. They just can’t. I refuse to believe it.

And here’s the tragic truth: PeaceBang didn’t even have to LOOK HARD for these silly men’s clothes. She simply lifted them all from the Macy’s web site, which means that it is indeed scary out there for our boys. Fellas, there’s no need to be Pastor Dullsville with scuffed brown shoes. Put a little pizzazz in your look this spring, just don’t fall prey to these ridiculous trends. See how nice HE looks? Nothing trendy about it, but he’s not drabbing along in a worn out, too-big tweedy, boxy sports coat, nor is he squeezed into a too-tight shirt with a tie that’s too short to make it over his girth. He’s handsome, well-groomed and looks polished and terrific. That can be you, too.

Smooches, PeaceBang

Nivea For Men: Product Reviews

SweetieBang has normal skin that he’s been washing with Ivory soap forever, and never moisturizing. He’s in his late 30’s now, and after 15 years of sunning himself in Florida, it’s high time he started protecting himself with an SPF product (even though he now lives in far a colder climate, the sun still does shine with the same damaging rays in Massachusetts as it does in Florida).

We like Nivea For Men’s inexpensive (around five bucks) Extra Gentle Face Wash (I love that “For Men” part, as though I, with girly sensitive skin, shouldn’t even get near it or I might catch a fatal case of TESTOSTERONE)

…
but the bummer is that the Protective Moisturizer with SPF in it gave him a humongous zit,

and he’s not a guy who breaks out in general. So I’m still on the look-out for something protective and inexpensive that won’t clog his pores and cause him to look at me with patient but somewhat pitying eyes and say, “I’m just going to stick with the Ivory soap, ‘kay?” Me: “But the cleanser works great! We need to find an SPF product that won’t make you break out!” Him: “Okay, but I haven’t had a zit this big in my entire life.”

Also, gentlemen, what do you do with dry, flaky skin under sideburns? Can you exfoliate the skin under sideburns? As SweetieBang loses his deep, glowing, Florida tan (*sob*), his skin is peeling a little bit. He says leave it alone and let it peel. But we all know that PeaceBang is plotting better methods. A soft, dry brush? A masque? Aveeno exfoliating pads?

Big Enough Belts

Just a note to the larger among us, and especially the gentlemen of generous girth:

Do be sure that your belt fits. A belt should not be fastened through the last possible hole and sticking out like a little leather stub. It should be long enough to notch through the hole and have enough “tail” left over to make it through the first belt loop on your trousers. If that means that you have to go to the Big N’ Tall store for the first time in your life, be brave and do it. Clothes must fit us, sweethearts, even if it means swallowing our pride and heading to the “Women’s Sizes” or the “Hefty Dude Department.” When you’re out and about being a leader, no one will be looking at the XXL tag in your sweater, they’ll be seeing you. Don’t distract them by looking as though you had to shoehorn yourself into any garment of your clothing. This goes for shoes, too, believe it or not. Remember how Miss Piggy’s hooves always looked so adorably pumpfy bloating out of her purple satin pumps? That’s a very cute look on a muppet, but it really isn’t flattering on your or me. Make sure straps aren’t binding and squeezing, or that foot chub is emerging from the top of a loafer.

And… I’m slipping this in at the end of a post because I’m so red-faced about it I can’t even TELL YOU, but I bought SweetieBang a pair of CROCS today because he has a bad foot and he really needs a supportive shoe he can slip on and wear around the house. You know I hate the cursed things, but I’m no fool; I know they offer comfort and support. And S’Bang isn’t limping today, so it was worth it. Pass the humble pie!!

Smoothy Faces, Beards And Goatees

For people who shave their faces,

My old pal Jud from Naples, Florida swears that Neutrogena products are THE way to go. And he has oodles of dough to buy whatever skin products his little heart desires, so I’ll take that compliment to Neutrogena as pretty high praise.

Remember to rinse well and MOISTURIZE with an SPF product! An eye cream wouldn’t hurt you, either! It’s not make-up, it absorbs nicely into the skin, and it will give you a nice, “Gee Sam, you look well-rested today” glow.

Guys with goatees, I have a question for you: are you aware that if your goatee if half-grey and half brown/black/auburn, it will look splotchy and unkempt from the back row of the church or from any kind of distance? PeaceBang thinks that well-groomed goatees are very handsome, but she does want to whisper in your ear that if you were to comb a little bit of touch-up color into it on Sundays (especially if you serve a large, more formal congregation), no one could fault you.

While a nice goatee is a sexy, virile statement (a full beard seems to PeaceBang a more patriarchal statement, and not in a “DOWN WITH THE PATRIARCHY” way - more like a Biblical patriarch way), it needs to be carefully groomed. ‘Nuff said? And if you’re under 30, watch it with the facial hair. Baby faced preachers sporting beards make PeaceBang want to pet their heads and say, “There, there, son, I know you desperately want us to take you vewy sewiously, but you’re trying way too hard. Shave the punim already and let your words show us how mature you are.”

On the Subject of “Young and Hip”…

CULLAH! Isn’t that a terrific color!? Wouldn’t that just give you a lift? Imagine it with a pair of terrific black trousers and pointy pumps or flats. Voila. You walk into the nursing home in that top and I guarantee you’ll be a beam of sunshine. (I might wrap a sheer sage green or white scarf around my neck for the nursing home if the neckline dips as low as it looks like it might). You can go right from the nursing home to a staff meeting and then out to dinner (whip off the scarf first). For those who want to start taking a few little risks with their personal style, color is a great place to start. If this feels too loud for you, that’s fine. But how about a blouse the same color paired with a dark blazer? Tied together with a belt and a vibrant lip color? Step out. See how you feel.

More CULLAH! A far more modest cut, but it still has a fetching shape to it, and so snuggly! Again, pair it with a pair of terrific trousers and some boots with a heel. Pull your hair back and roll it in a messy chignon to give yourself a neck, add a pair of interesting dangly earrings and you’re so much fun! If you’re pale-complected, be sure to wear some blush so you don’t look washed out.

LINE! Pants is pants is pants, right?
No! Just because we can zip them and bend over without splitting the seat doesn’t mean that our pants are fitting us well. Please take the time at the store and the tailor and get it right (or as right as you can, and that means burning all elastic-waist pants in the new year).

Pants should have an elegant line that flatters your shape (gentlemen, you too! Pear-shaped fellas should make sure their trousers aren’t too short and/or in any way fitted or tapered around the ankle, and this includes jeans — and for our portlier gentlemen, please stop wearing your pants down around the, um, where the zipper should be. The waist of your trousers should sit at your WAIST. Find it, or have your tailor help you find it, and get your belt around it. This isn’t easy if you have a big gut, PeaceBang understands. And she sympathizes that you don’t have the option of wearing a skirt. But she has too often lived in fear that her heavy male colleagues might accidentally “drop trou” in the midst of pastoral duties and feels the need to say something about this sartorial challenge. Getting pants to fit both a large stomach and a typically flat masculine derriere is why we pay our tailors good money and treat them like gold. P.S. guys, layers can camouflage “figure flaws.” Like, if you need to wear your pants belted way under a beer belly, make sure your sports jacket fits well and can button in front. Wear a bold-colored tie to bring visual interest to your face and get a great hair-cut. Spiff up your spectacles, keep your facial hair impeccably groomed, and treat yourself to more hours at the gym. Take care of your dear selves).

PeaceBang has a horrible, horrible body shape for pants and shops for trousers with the grim determination of a prison matron searching her unfortunate charges for contraband: “I know ya got something in there! Give it up!”
Because of her lumpiness, PeaceBang’s pants never look good, nor do they ever fit quite right, but they fit as well as is humanly possible. Add some Seriously Constraining Undergarments and that’s as good as it gets for this meatball. My point, and I do have one, is that human bodies come in a wonderful variety of shapes and sizes and pants are therefore a notoriously difficult garment to fit well. It’s really worth it to search far and wide for a make and a cut that works for you, then remain loyal to it.

And as an added cultural commentary, PeaceBang has been simply HORRIFIED to see on-air personalities on the morning shows applauding make-overs featuring poor women whose pants seem to have eaten their feet!! Whence the sudden popularity of hems that drag on the ground? Whatever the source of this fashion faux pas, PeaceBang sternly decries it.

Skirts is skirts is skirts? Not so. Shapeless skirts are awful and aging on everyone. If you like long skirts, see how this one actually has a shape?? Pair it with a blouse or blazer with darts and you’re in business. A belted top would be even better; perhaps with a creative cascade of pendants or chains. Resist the temptation to pair it with a sweater that goes past your hips or you’ll look as though you’re drowning in fabric (especially if you’re a shortie). I saw a very petite gal at a seminary conference last year wearing a skirt of this length with a long thick sweater (and I mean long: it went well below mid-thigh). She also had a pageboy haircut worn with an Alice In Wonderland headband. The combined effect was that of a little girl home from school waiting for Mommy to give her milk and cookies. She could not have physically diminished herself and undermined her own authority more if she had worn a Little Bo-Peep costume. Don’t let this happen to you.

And how about this cutie? VERY much in fashion right now, a great color, and would be entirely appropriate for a pastor as long as she counters its youthful insouciance with a neat and tailored top, say, a black twin set and knee-high black boots with opaque black tights. Because of the fullness of the skirt, you’d want your top to have good coverage (no drooping or scoopy necklines) and keep accessories simple. Hair should look polished, not cute (no headbands with this), and a classic bag will finish your look off beautifully. If the color seems de trop for you, do consider the shape. It’s very “in” right now and it’s far more forgiving to women’s hips than the pencil skirt. This should be worn with elegant flats, or perhaps a chunky-heeled Mary Jane but not a clog or anything even vaguely belonging to the “sensible shoes” category. Boots would be good.

Go have fun. PeaceBang is going back to finish watching “That’s Entertainment II” and to enjoy the last night of peace before church life starts again full swing for 2008.

Boots N’ Skirts N’ Stuff

A lovely colleague who just purchased some super riding boots asked me the other day how to wear them with skirts. Although we went over the Skirts and Boots Question at great length here, I just wanted to tell you about a gal I saw in the grocery store who was doing it all wrong. She was a fit, handsome middle-aged white woman who looked confident and put together except that she was wearing a pleated skirt well above the knee and knee-high boots with nude stockings. The big gap of flesh between her boots and her skirt made her look exactly like a drum majorette from the waist down. Not good, not good! Reverend ladies of all ages, stay far away from this look or someone may hand you a baton and big, fluffy hat with a chin strap and start following you around with a tuba.

In other Shoe Problems, one of my spies called to leave news of a Flip-Flop Sighting on my voice mail. His message was simple, and so right so I’ll just quote him: “It’s DECEMBER. You should NOT be wearing flip-flops!” Here, here.

PeaceBang is noticing that long, full skirts are still being worn by female Clergy of Size and she has to say precious butterbeans, if you feel at your best visually adding about 30 lbs. to your frame, that’s just the way to do it! Be plump, be flowing, be abundant if you absolutely insist! Or, if you’d like to show that you have a shape that’s actually lots and lots more interesting than voluminous fabric, try on a more fitted style like this one from Catherine’s.

What’s so scary about that?? You don’t have to buy it or anything but seriously gals, if you want one change in 2008 that can be as Moses bringing you out of The Land of Frump, this is it. Shapeless jackets and skirts are out, out, out, and Why? ‘Cause although the world of fashion can be crazy at times, sometimes it makes changes because certain silhouettes are ugly and unflattering. Please give away your utterly shapeless skirts or take them to a tailor and have them taken in at the hips, or hemmed, or do something that will give them some shape. Will you do that for me? Because I just have an irrational need for you to look at least as beautiful in the world as Condi Rice. I don’t like what she represents but she consistently far outshines the female clergy in the polished image department, and that ain’t right.

Speaking of shape, and I was, PeaceBang is squeezing out of her favorite black blazer and noticed that her blouse was pooching out below her blazer buttons during tonight’s worship service for The Compassionate Friends. Oh sure, I was fine standing but sitting at the pulpit, Houston we had a problem . Good thing I could cover my poochiness with a combo of strategic placement of my leather binder of readings and good posture.

Certain items in our wardrobes are so essential that it’s important for us to make sure they fit appropriately at all times. If you have a tendency to change sizes throughout the year, be vigilant. While you work on slimming down (or fattening up, if that’s the issue), be sure you’ve considered what fits and what might need to be purchased or borrowed in a size up or down to get you through the transitional time. In my case, a classic black blazer is something I cannot be without. So while I work on losing the buttah, I’ll temporarily switch to the dreaded Unstructured Black Jacket and wear higher heels and dressier accessories to give my outfits the polish that I want to try to have. That and a good girdle should see me through the holidays.

Remember: NO SNOWMAN SWEATSHIRTS. NO SNOWWOMAN OR EVEN SNOWPERSON SWEATSHIRTS.