Beauty Tips for Ministers

NO HAWAIIAN SHIRTS!! EVER!!

Pigeons, I am choking on my iced tea out here!! Deb’s comment below, contributed as a response to my earlier post about not wearing bare shoulders, has me totally disturbed!! Please tell me it’s not true that pastors are preaching in Hawaiian shirts. Flocking to conferences looking like employees of Trader Joe’s or as though they’re on their way to happy hour, fine. But PREACHING IN THEM!??

I’m fully with you here on the no spaghetti straps, and fully on board for no bare shoulders for anything official, though I’m not sure for church softball games or that sort of thing.

But the no hawaiian shirt thing doesn’t jive. I live and work in California and my conference includes Hawaii and hawaiian shirts are it–Annual conference, I think that might be all the men wear, and for many of us who are in the desert where you will literally pass out from heat stroke if you wear a robe in 100-120 degree heat, Hawaiian shirts are seen in all kinds of pulpits–it’s sort of the norm out here–casual and liveable for those inferno months…I’d love for you to reconsider your advice on this. (Even as a woman, I know Hawaiian shirts are fairly safe in the summer and much easier than figuring out which short sleeve blouses do and don’t show too much arm or cleavage….

And here is my response to Deb, gentle as always

Deb, I’m horrified!! It’s bad enough for male pastors to wear Hawaiian shirts, which communicate a casual I’m-totally-on-vacation-get-me-a-beer vibe, but to suggest that women wear them too for comfort’s sake is ludicrous to mine ears! Girl, that’s why God made cotton blouses in solid colors! It’s 96 degrees here today, for instance, and I am wearing a white cotton skirt, sandals, and a plain black short-sleeved T-shirt with an elegant boat neck. I am just as comfortable as if I was wearing a (shudder) Hawaiian shirt and I look professionally acceptable for tonight’s Annual Meeting.

I stand firmly by my conviction that no one on the planet will really take another person seriously if they’re clad in a Don Ho shirt — except in Hawaii. The whole look was invented to communicate “Don’t Worry- Be Happy! And Let’s Get To That Limbo Contest While I’m Still Really Wasted!” That is NOT the gospel I want to non-verbally communicate with my attire. If my pastor showed up wearing a Hawaiian shirt I’d assume one thing and one thing only: he’s been interrupted from a vacation. See my lips? They’re SO pursed right now!!! - PB

The Context of Image

Remember how we’re always talking about geographic and cultural context of our ministry and how that influences what we choose to wear?

Perfect example in these two pastor gents.

Exhibit A, Paul S. from Vermont:

Right? Rural, lumberjack-y, approachable, warm, plaid. I’d like to see him trim the beard up a bit but I’m mostly just saying that because he already wants to kill me for taking this photo, so “HEEEEEEEY, PAUL! Smile, you’re on BTFM!!!” That’s not a smile he’s got on his face, it’s a homicidal grimace. I thought you’d want to know that, in case you were worried.

Exhibit B, Daniel K. from Dallas:

Now, is this one cool cat or what? From head to toe, this man is cosmopolitan, sophisticated, hip, and very polished. His hair is awesome. His glasses rock. His shoes are fantastic. The whole thing is really great looking. If he was in Vermont, people might look at him funny, like, “Just what are you trying for there, there, city slicker?” But for a large congregation in Dallas he’s got leadership presence and a sense of himself that’s unmistakably right for that setting.

Just in case you wanted to dig those specs up close, here they are again:

I don’t know how I managed to make such a good looking guy look so goofy, but that’s my photographic skills, not Daniel’s handsomeness factor. Trust. Sorry, DK.

Vests (And PeaceBang Uses Herself As a Bad Example)

Here I am with colleague Daniel Budd. We actually hadn’t decided to both wear vests that day, but I have to say that it was fun playing Bobsey Twin with him:

So, let’s DISCUSS, shall we?

To me, Daniel does a great job projecting an image of poetic and groovy minister; hip but with a sense of style and humor. His proportions are right. He is very tall and his long hair softens him and gives him a kind of Bible patriarch-meets-troubador vibe. He’s in great shape and therefore all his pieces look very neat on him; unfortunately not always the case with the rest of us (the camera seems to be adding weight on him here — which makes me feel better because I didn’t think I was that much of a meatball myself). His leather vest works for me because it’s classic, it’s cut very nicely, and best of all, it’s NOT EMBROIDERED.
Darlings, I’m sorry, but I just HATE those embroidered vests adorning the bodies of white, Boomer clergy. You know what I’m talking about. You can get mad, you can argue that your vests connect you with memories of your mission trip to Honduras, you can tell me that you wear yours with a totally with-it pair of pants and shirt but I don’t think I can be persuaded on this one.
LOSE. THE. EMBROIDERED. VESTS.

Now, me. I am breaking some of my own rules here:
1. Rolled sleeves are SLOPPY. Get them tailored or tuck them under a blazer. This just looks messy. See how distracting that little cuff can be? If I was a presenter or in a professional setting (rather than on sabbatical and just not putting the effort in), this would be absolutely unacceptable.
2. If you’ll be walking to church in the wind, bring a brush for touch-ups when you get there.
3. Because my new 3″ heel sandals were killing me (those lovely Borns — absolutely comfortable in the toe and footbed but with some kind of torture device in the heel, apparently), I had switched this day to flats. Therefore, the line of my long, flared, dark denim jeans was ruined. I had only brought two pairs of pants with me and both very long, so lesson learned: if you’re trying out a new pair of heels for the first time, bring some pants alternatives so you don’t walk around with a draggy hem.
4. You can see from the expression on my face that the pews in the church are already beginning to kill my back.
5. Since my back is really bad today and I am safely home, I am going to tuck up in bed with my beagle and my cat and a big glass of water and rest.

Fabulous Vests For The Preacher Man

Guys, you’ve got to see these vests from the Gentleman’s Emporium. Now, I don’t want anyone with eccentric proclivities to get any ideas here: I’m not recommending that you sport a Victoria vest with a handlebar moustache or anything crazy like that, but for a man with some fashion flair and a good sense of mixing and matching styles, some of these would be positively fabulous.

Thanks to Hank (Panky) for the link. He sent it to me after I admired the preacher’s vest he was wearing in January.

It looked wonderful. You can get one for yourself here.

It’s Hard Out There For Our Guys, Too

Whilst we reverend gals have our challenges trying to choose wisely from among the piles of fashion atrocities out there, PeaceBang has noticed that things can’t be much easier for the menfolk.

On one hand, you don’t want to be Pastor Dullsville here with no personality and no shape:

But then, what if you were trying to be fashion-forward and wound up in this, God forbid?

Or this ridiculous get-up, which caused PeaceBang to start singing the theme song from “Hustle & Flow” the moment she saw it (”It’s HARD out here for a pimp…”):

Or this, which reminds PeaceBang that anything labeled “cargo” belongs in someone else’s professional wardrobe, NOT YOURS:

AND WHAT IN FRESH NAUTICAL HELL IS THIS???? They simply can’t be serious. They just can’t. I refuse to believe it.

And here’s the tragic truth: PeaceBang didn’t even have to LOOK HARD for these silly men’s clothes. She simply lifted them all from the Macy’s web site, which means that it is indeed scary out there for our boys. Fellas, there’s no need to be Pastor Dullsville with scuffed brown shoes. Put a little pizzazz in your look this spring, just don’t fall prey to these ridiculous trends. See how nice HE looks? Nothing trendy about it, but he’s not drabbing along in a worn out, too-big tweedy, boxy sports coat, nor is he squeezed into a too-tight shirt with a tie that’s too short to make it over his girth. He’s handsome, well-groomed and looks polished and terrific. That can be you, too.

Smooches, PeaceBang

Boots N’ Skirts N’ Stuff

A lovely colleague who just purchased some super riding boots asked me the other day how to wear them with skirts. Although we went over the Skirts and Boots Question at great length here, I just wanted to tell you about a gal I saw in the grocery store who was doing it all wrong. She was a fit, handsome middle-aged white woman who looked confident and put together except that she was wearing a pleated skirt well above the knee and knee-high boots with nude stockings. The big gap of flesh between her boots and her skirt made her look exactly like a drum majorette from the waist down. Not good, not good! Reverend ladies of all ages, stay far away from this look or someone may hand you a baton and big, fluffy hat with a chin strap and start following you around with a tuba.

In other Shoe Problems, one of my spies called to leave news of a Flip-Flop Sighting on my voice mail. His message was simple, and so right so I’ll just quote him: “It’s DECEMBER. You should NOT be wearing flip-flops!” Here, here.

PeaceBang is noticing that long, full skirts are still being worn by female Clergy of Size and she has to say precious butterbeans, if you feel at your best visually adding about 30 lbs. to your frame, that’s just the way to do it! Be plump, be flowing, be abundant if you absolutely insist! Or, if you’d like to show that you have a shape that’s actually lots and lots more interesting than voluminous fabric, try on a more fitted style like this one from Catherine’s.

What’s so scary about that?? You don’t have to buy it or anything but seriously gals, if you want one change in 2008 that can be as Moses bringing you out of The Land of Frump, this is it. Shapeless jackets and skirts are out, out, out, and Why? ‘Cause although the world of fashion can be crazy at times, sometimes it makes changes because certain silhouettes are ugly and unflattering. Please give away your utterly shapeless skirts or take them to a tailor and have them taken in at the hips, or hemmed, or do something that will give them some shape. Will you do that for me? Because I just have an irrational need for you to look at least as beautiful in the world as Condi Rice. I don’t like what she represents but she consistently far outshines the female clergy in the polished image department, and that ain’t right.

Speaking of shape, and I was, PeaceBang is squeezing out of her favorite black blazer and noticed that her blouse was pooching out below her blazer buttons during tonight’s worship service for The Compassionate Friends. Oh sure, I was fine standing but sitting at the pulpit, Houston we had a problem . Good thing I could cover my poochiness with a combo of strategic placement of my leather binder of readings and good posture.

Certain items in our wardrobes are so essential that it’s important for us to make sure they fit appropriately at all times. If you have a tendency to change sizes throughout the year, be vigilant. While you work on slimming down (or fattening up, if that’s the issue), be sure you’ve considered what fits and what might need to be purchased or borrowed in a size up or down to get you through the transitional time. In my case, a classic black blazer is something I cannot be without. So while I work on losing the buttah, I’ll temporarily switch to the dreaded Unstructured Black Jacket and wear higher heels and dressier accessories to give my outfits the polish that I want to try to have. That and a good girdle should see me through the holidays.

Remember: NO SNOWMAN SWEATSHIRTS. NO SNOWWOMAN OR EVEN SNOWPERSON SWEATSHIRTS.