Beauty Tips for Ministers

Fabulous Vests For The Preacher Man

Guys, you’ve got to see these vests from the Gentleman’s Emporium. Now, I don’t want anyone with eccentric proclivities to get any ideas here: I’m not recommending that you sport a Victoria vest with a handlebar moustache or anything crazy like that, but for a man with some fashion flair and a good sense of mixing and matching styles, some of these would be positively fabulous.

Thanks to Hank (Panky) for the link. He sent it to me after I admired the preacher’s vest he was wearing in January.

It looked wonderful. You can get one for yourself here.

It’s Hard Out There For Our Guys, Too

Whilst we reverend gals have our challenges trying to choose wisely from among the piles of fashion atrocities out there, PeaceBang has noticed that things can’t be much easier for the menfolk.

On one hand, you don’t want to be Pastor Dullsville here with no personality and no shape:

But then, what if you were trying to be fashion-forward and wound up in this, God forbid?

Or this ridiculous get-up, which caused PeaceBang to start singing the theme song from “Hustle & Flow” the moment she saw it (”It’s HARD out here for a pimp…”):

Or this, which reminds PeaceBang that anything labeled “cargo” belongs in someone else’s professional wardrobe, NOT YOURS:

AND WHAT IN FRESH NAUTICAL HELL IS THIS???? They simply can’t be serious. They just can’t. I refuse to believe it.

And here’s the tragic truth: PeaceBang didn’t even have to LOOK HARD for these silly men’s clothes. She simply lifted them all from the Macy’s web site, which means that it is indeed scary out there for our boys. Fellas, there’s no need to be Pastor Dullsville with scuffed brown shoes. Put a little pizzazz in your look this spring, just don’t fall prey to these ridiculous trends. See how nice HE looks? Nothing trendy about it, but he’s not drabbing along in a worn out, too-big tweedy, boxy sports coat, nor is he squeezed into a too-tight shirt with a tie that’s too short to make it over his girth. He’s handsome, well-groomed and looks polished and terrific. That can be you, too.

Smooches, PeaceBang

Boots N’ Skirts N’ Stuff

A lovely colleague who just purchased some super riding boots asked me the other day how to wear them with skirts. Although we went over the Skirts and Boots Question at great length here, I just wanted to tell you about a gal I saw in the grocery store who was doing it all wrong. She was a fit, handsome middle-aged white woman who looked confident and put together except that she was wearing a pleated skirt well above the knee and knee-high boots with nude stockings. The big gap of flesh between her boots and her skirt made her look exactly like a drum majorette from the waist down. Not good, not good! Reverend ladies of all ages, stay far away from this look or someone may hand you a baton and big, fluffy hat with a chin strap and start following you around with a tuba.

In other Shoe Problems, one of my spies called to leave news of a Flip-Flop Sighting on my voice mail. His message was simple, and so right so I’ll just quote him: “It’s DECEMBER. You should NOT be wearing flip-flops!” Here, here.

PeaceBang is noticing that long, full skirts are still being worn by female Clergy of Size and she has to say precious butterbeans, if you feel at your best visually adding about 30 lbs. to your frame, that’s just the way to do it! Be plump, be flowing, be abundant if you absolutely insist! Or, if you’d like to show that you have a shape that’s actually lots and lots more interesting than voluminous fabric, try on a more fitted style like this one from Catherine’s.

What’s so scary about that?? You don’t have to buy it or anything but seriously gals, if you want one change in 2008 that can be as Moses bringing you out of The Land of Frump, this is it. Shapeless jackets and skirts are out, out, out, and Why? ‘Cause although the world of fashion can be crazy at times, sometimes it makes changes because certain silhouettes are ugly and unflattering. Please give away your utterly shapeless skirts or take them to a tailor and have them taken in at the hips, or hemmed, or do something that will give them some shape. Will you do that for me? Because I just have an irrational need for you to look at least as beautiful in the world as Condi Rice. I don’t like what she represents but she consistently far outshines the female clergy in the polished image department, and that ain’t right.

Speaking of shape, and I was, PeaceBang is squeezing out of her favorite black blazer and noticed that her blouse was pooching out below her blazer buttons during tonight’s worship service for The Compassionate Friends. Oh sure, I was fine standing but sitting at the pulpit, Houston we had a problem . Good thing I could cover my poochiness with a combo of strategic placement of my leather binder of readings and good posture.

Certain items in our wardrobes are so essential that it’s important for us to make sure they fit appropriately at all times. If you have a tendency to change sizes throughout the year, be vigilant. While you work on slimming down (or fattening up, if that’s the issue), be sure you’ve considered what fits and what might need to be purchased or borrowed in a size up or down to get you through the transitional time. In my case, a classic black blazer is something I cannot be without. So while I work on losing the buttah, I’ll temporarily switch to the dreaded Unstructured Black Jacket and wear higher heels and dressier accessories to give my outfits the polish that I want to try to have. That and a good girdle should see me through the holidays.

Remember: NO SNOWMAN SWEATSHIRTS. NO SNOWWOMAN OR EVEN SNOWPERSON SWEATSHIRTS.

Noisy Boots

I forgot to say the other day that a cobbler can probably put a rubber sole of some sort on loud, clacky boots to make them a quieter ride.

That is all. Because someone asked.

Kiss of peace, PB

What Fresh Hell Is This?

Just when you thought that Crocs World Domination was bad enough, they came up with these horrific things!

Honestly, they’re not horrific if you’re wearing them to waterboard or parasail or …whatever you outdoorsy types like to do while I’m reading on the beach, but I have visions of Casual Pastors wearing them to church on summer Sundays. I’m frightened, Auntie Em!!

Warm Boys Of the Cloth

Not one, but two fellas of the cloth have written in (or had their wives write in on their behalf) asking about warmth and clerical shirts.

It’s simple, guys:

1. A nubby, unpatterned crew neck sweater looks perfectly swell with a collar. Nothing ski-looking, please, unless you’re Aspen Pastor. And no rejects from Dr. Huxtable’s closet, either. Cashmere’s also good, but for that you’d need a raise.
2. To the wife who is advising her husband that a black blazer over clericals is gauche, PeaceBang has to say, “Whaaaa?”
A black blazer is exactly what he should be wearing, for the love of Pete! Something tweedy would also be fine if he’s the tweedy type.

Did the radio announcer just say there’s a chance of SNOW on Friday and Saturday? PeaceBang just fell off her desk chair. Better get those daffodil bulbs in the ground tomorrow!

P.S. When do I get to fill out my list for Santa?