I just can’t. No.
These — garments? — are made for a company called Universal Standard. I would like to know the universal standard for WHAT?
The blah neckline. The most unflattering sleeves ever. The lack of a waist. The “I accidentally tucked the hem of my dress into my underwear when I went to pee” hemline.
I was doing okay today. I was actually doing okay.
Here’s a sweater that will definitely work for those days you want to be able to release the alien baby that’s ripping its way through your abdomen real fast.
The model is so happy. I want to be that happy. Please send me one of these lovely sweatshirts that looks exactly like the one my grandfather used to wear when he was cleaning the basement. Do you have the old diaper I can use to tie up my hair, too?
These garments are apparently made of some kind of beautiful Peruvian cotton or silk. Did you see those prices? For the price of a few of these garments you can actually go to Peru and escape Donald Trump AND these ghastly garments.
Go take a nice warm bath or buy yourself a bunch of tulips. You’ll feel better.
I’m sorry I had to inflict this sadness upon you but I wasn’t strong enough to cope with it myself.
Thank you for your bravery.