Beauty Tips for Ministers

Can She Wear Gortex Boots To A Funeral?

No, she may not.

Pastors, please invest in a pair of clergy-appropriate all-weather boots. There will be occasions upon which you will actually be called out into rain and snow and ice to minister to people, and at those times there is no reason you should show up looking prepared to dig ditches or to lead them on a hiking expedition. Making a house call is one thing. Visiting the hospital is also one thing. Presiding over a commital of human remains is another thing entirely. When you are called up on to such sacred offices, please do NOT show up in
Gortex boots,
Boots with brown tops and white or tan rubber soles,
L.L. Bean duck boots
or colorful rain wellies.

You should own something like this,
(Le Canadienne, expensive)

Or something like this,

(Yes, I hate them too, but you don’t wear them with a skirt, for heaven’s sake)

Or for very outdoorsy types, even something like this by Columbia,

They’re really not dressy enough but at least they’re all black, you can’t see the drawstring under the pants, they won’t make you look unprepared and disrespectful, and like the other two options they are thoroughly waterproof.

I’ve had the same ugly black snowboots for eleven years. I have one ankle-length pair by Totes that I got for $9.99, and an ugly but very warm pair of knee-high black snow boots that I found for under $30 on a sale rack somewhere and can wear with skirts (not attractively, but I wear pumps at the funeral and quickly change into the snow boots before getting into the hearse for the ride to the cemetery).

Wardrobe stables, darlings!! See to them!

Only Barney Can Wear Purple, You Guys!!

No, in all seriousness, Mrs. Philocrites has a big hamburger to get off her chest. So listen up, ya’ll, because she is one fierce little Piskie!

But even though you’re not blogging right now, PB, I just wanted to share a brief clergy shirt pet peeve: I can accept that UU and UCC clergy who never wear clergy shirts at their churches wear them in public, to rallies etc. It’s difficult, but I can accept it. What I cannot accept, however, is said UU and UCC clergy wearing PURPLE clergy shirts. Purple shirts are for bishops and bishops only, my non-liturgical tradition friends. And you look silly to all your Catholic and Episcopal colleagues wearing them if you don’t have a miter to go with the ensemble.

There, I’ve said it. I feel much better now.

And we thank you for saying it, too. Because while some of my colleagues might scoff, “Well, if I’m not in yer tradition, whudd I care about your color preferences,” I would say, “We should care, sassy people. It’s called respect, it’s called not playing dress-up in clothes that we know represents a level of authority and meaning for a religious tradition not our own, and not caring about that.”

We’re glad you feel better now, Mrs. P. And we promise that you’ll be seeing no more purple clerical shirts on readers of this blog who are clergy in the Free Church tradition and not bishops (which, um, they wouldn’t be anyway). Thanks for the friendly slap upside the head.

“Hey mister, where’s your miter, huh? Okay you kidder, we’re gonna have to pull you over for impersonating a bishop.”

A Festival of Inappropriate Sharing At the Festival of Homiletics

OOOPS!

Some ardent worshiper at the Festival of Homiletics leaned forward to get a better look and shared her very pretty lace panties with the rest of us!

Girls and boys, you know better. But I saw entirely too much of this in Minneapolis. This example was the most lovely I could find. At least HER panties are really pretty!

Because many pants are now low-waisted, you have GOT to consider your undergarments and the rest of your outfit before you leave the hotel. Ask yourself these questions:

1. If I should lean forward and accidentally reveal my unders today, would they at least match my pants? Are they nice, and not ratty, in case of the unthinkable?
2. Am I wearing a shirt or sweater that FITS well enough to pull down over my low-waisted trousers or skirt?
3. Am I, at any time, treating my colleagues or parishioners to the sight of three or four inches of my lower back flesh in the form of chub pouring out of my too-snug sweater when I lean forward?
If so, please stop it. And if you think this isn’t you, think again. PeaceBang must have caught half a dozen conferees in this compromising position. If you’re unaware of it at a conference, you’re probably unaware of it at home.

P.S. If this is ever me and you are behind me, do not HESITATE to gently pull my sweater or shirt or jacket over my revealed flesh. I will be EVER so grateful to you if you do!

Do Write In, Doveys

As you know by now, my dear and lovely ones, PeaceBang has a new man in her life and now a new dog. They are sheer delight, energy, love and commitment. But they also tucker a girl OUT, and she has less time to think about trench coats, the fit of clergy skirts and trousers, hair and make-up.

I feel that we have said so much together in the past two years and there’s SO much material in the archives for you to browse and hopefully from which to benefit. I have been writing quite a lot over at my PeaceBang blog – please do go look and see what flits through my noggin when I’m not ruminating on lip gloss — and haven’t had many BTFM inspirations.

Which is where you come in. What are you seeing, wondering, thinking? Not just about your own shoe choice for the spring (I’m so sorry, but I simply can’t respond to all the personal e-mails I receive and must limit myself to those that are professionally urgent, as in “I have an interview coming up and I don’t own anything remotely presentable, help!”), but about your own professional image, how it’s all going out there, and what gaffes we’re still making as messengers of the good news.

Today we open a new category called “The Naughty Corner.” In it we will put all those reports of startlingly inappropriate attire among our brothers and sisters of the cloth. PeaceBang promises not to publish ANY identifying information. We aim here to be informative and challenging, never punitive.