Beauty Tips for Ministers

The Preaching Negligee

“Honey, come to bed. I’ll be in as soon as I finish administering the sacraments. And I won’t even have to change clothes, you big hunk of he-man.”

From Bride of Christ (who seem to be taking the “bride” thing way too literally). Yuck.
Alternately, one might go from baptizing a baby to hosting a fondue party with great ease.

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Craaaaazy 2010!

Holy cow, girls and boys, get me my smelling salts! The Fashion People have made some recommendations about what we should all be wearing in the new year, and PeaceBang is gasping for air, having fallen off her desk chair and onto the floor in sheer horror and amazement. She is gasping like a grounded catfish as she writes this!!

Thanks to alert reader Elizabeth, we know now that, according to Fashion Person Taylor Sterling, we should all be RUSHING TO THE STORES to buy:
1. Ugly oversized striped shirts (not to wear to bed, to wear in public).

2. LEATHAH, especially leather mini-skirts (Why sure, that’d be practical for you and me! Taylor Sterling apparently thinks that leather is a MUST for every woman’s wardrobe. PeaceBang does not think that leather boots count).

3. SPANGLY shorts. Or any kind of shorts. SO cute with knee socks and towering heels! Gaaaak!

4. Sheer shirts. Because nothing says, “professional and competent” like a good solid view of your bra.

5. ZUMBAS. Remember those violently ugly pants that guys were wearing 20 years ago, with the splash-paint design that instantly transformed the wearer into a big box of stupid? They’re back for women! I knew this would happen. This is God’s wrath for some great sin, like allowing Pat Robertson to remain at large and make public statements.

Get a gander of all this gorgeousness, kids. Don’t you LOVE the Fashion World?

Why, sure I’d wear this! On my vacation on the planet Zoltron!

These beauties are ALL about dignity at any age. I definitely advise that you buy several pairs and make sure to wear them on job interviews.

Jumpsuits! You know, just ’cause! Especially strapless jumpsuits! You can go straight from church to the disco and shake shake shake, shake shake shake, shake your bootie! Rev. KC And the Sunshine Band.

Thanks, Taylor Sterling. We love Fashion People. We certainly have appreciated your sage recommendations for Ten Pieces We Should Add To Our Wardrobe. And we look forward to worshiping with you in these outfits on the Planet Zoltron.

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Designers Obviously Declare War On Fat Women

So I’m thinking, “oh my gosh, I’m officiating at my cousin’s wedding in Palm Beach at the end of January, what am I going to WEAR?” I go on Nordstrom’s web site plus-size section just to look for ideas and I’m horrified:

Thanks for the respect for my body shape. When I join the Amish community I’ll be sure to stop by and pick up this racy little number.

Calvin Klein, this was hideous in 1984. Guess what. Still is.

Oh yeah, that’s flattering.

Oh, and so is this. Just what every large lady needs is a huge black bar slicing her in half, with a bizarre applique pattern that ends at that elongating, slimming spot right at the crotch. Someone got paid to design this?

Let me wrap myself in this enormous cranberry flouncy floof and eat a box of Christmas cookies.

I am in the WORST mood.

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Genie Pants

Divinity Girl wants to know what’s up with the “new” genie pants. Are they made to accommodate adult diapers or what?

Oh, Div Girl. You must be so young. You do not remember MC Hammer (do I hear the faint guitar riffs of “U Can’t Touch This?”). You did not live through the 1980’s as PeaceBang did, an era when she was much smaller and actually wore genie pants. Hers were red and fitted from the knee to the ankle and she wore them with a gauzy white Indian shirt and sandals and went on many dates with boys. They were silly and cute and great to dance in.

These, however, are scary. Maybe it’s that the model so obviously needs a sandwich. Maybe it’s the long stretch of bare leg and then the unhappy surprise of the shoe-bootie on the foot:

Whatever it is, these genies should be stuffed right back into the bottle. And no clergyman or women should even think about wearing genie pants. In case you were wondering, and I know you weren’t. ‘Cause you ain’t dumb.

BOW-bow-dow-dow, can’t touch this!

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BAD BANGS

****THIS IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT!!****

IF YOU ARE WEARING BANGS CURLED ACROSS YOUR FOREHEAD, YOU ARE WOEFULLY OUT OF DATE IN YOUR APPEARANCE. PLEASE GET TO A STYLIST AS SOON AS POSSIBLE AND REMEDY THIS SERIOUS ERROR.

NO MATTER WHAT YOU WEAR ON YOUR BODY, IF YOU ARE WEARING BANGS CURLED UNDER, IT DOESN’T MATTER. YOU MIGHT AS WELL BE WEARING YOUR BATHROBE.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION.

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On Not Showing Thigh

Hafhida said in the comments that she doesn’t show cleavage or thigh. Which reminded me of a recent clergy gathering I attended, where one of the attendees wore a short smock with tights and ridiculous little felt or wool elf shoes. She looked, in a word, ridiculous. I’m sorry, but PeaceBang has no patience for this kind of infantilizing precious-artsy look, especially since it’s easy enough for creative people who CARE about their image (and that of the Church) to translate that look into adult, professional terms. Boho is fine. Looking like a First Grade Wanna-Be is not.

I sat at this meeting at this minister, who sat with her legs crossed, displaying a wide expanse of thigh to everyone in the room.

Just horrifying. SO, so wrong. I kind of gave her a disapproving look once or twice when she would cross her legs, but to no avail. I mean, I visibly winced. I wanted to say, “Dear colleague! No one needs to know quite that much about your thighs. Please stop inflicting them on us.”

By the way, this has nothing to do with the relative niceness of anyone’s thighs. It’s about propriety, not aesthetics.

Don’t let that be you, mon pidgies. Boys, you’re not exempt, y’know. No one wants to see your hamhocks hanging out of floppy shorts, either.

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