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A Very Sad Farrah Object Lesson

I died with laughter at this wonderful letter. Read it and giggle.

…As an associate, I have a little more flexibility with my wardrobe. On Sundays when I am preaching or presiding at the Table, I always put a little more care into wearing something a bit more structured and pulling up my hair. There was a last minute switch this week, and I found out at 10:59 that I would be leading Eucharist in the 11 o’clock service. My hot rollers must have been a little extra hot this morning, because my hair was quite a bit bigger than usual, but it did not seem important to go pin it up with 30 seconds left till lift off. I did manage to hold my head relatively still through all my public moments. No Charlie’s angels hair flipping…but I DID skip a line in the liturgy because my hair was in the way when I looked down at the manuscript. The moral of the story is, go to your office and find a hair elastic even if it means delaying the start time of service by a minute.

For heaven’s sake, one should not be distracted by one’s own hair in this most dignified of all moments.
Ridiculous.

Ridiculous, indeed, but I SO love that you take that extra care in putting yourself together for those very important leadership moments! And remember, darling, The Bigger The Hair, the Closer To God!! xoxo PB

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Happy National Frizz Day!

Of course today is Frizz Day, because it’s also Happy Staff Photo Day at church! Where we tell each other naughty jokes so we can have relaxed, happy grins and not be all stiff and formal like we’re maybe a little bit scared to have you look at our photo in the lobby.

I hate dead staff photos on church websites, and there are so many of them. Everybody looking carefully at one spot, deer in headlights, obviously holding their breath and straining.

Take lots of photos! Take candids! Communicate LIFE!

Anyway, I meant to tell you about this hair product I got from my hairdresser that I really like. It’s an oil and it smells like Christmas, and it’s all yummy ingredients so if your dog licks your hand after you apply it he won’t keel over and die with all his paws sticking up in the air.

Thermafuse Hair Oil. I have only used the sample so far, but I’m going to spring for a whole bottle.

I like that it’s lightweight, it works, and it doesn’t make my hair greasy. It also helps your hair dry much more easily and protects it from heat! Bonus!

31GU6wE5tSL

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Adventures With the Flat Iron

Your Faithful PB had a ceramic flat iron a billion years ago when she had a hair cut with fringy layers that she wanted to stick out from her face in what was then considered a fetching manner.

Lately, because of a thing known as FRIZZ, she wondered if perhaps she might have some luck with a flat iron, after many different types of serums and unguents proved unhelpful or greasy. Having long ago given her original flat iron away, she purchased one for about $19.99 from Target, where impulse buys are a way of life.

(She also purchased a hand-held steamer, something she had been contemplating for years and is very happy to have acquired for vestments!)

Voila! With one quick flip of the wrist, the flat iron magically achieves what used to require the combination of a careful blow dry, application of products that sometimes worked but often did not, and divine favor. Several people asked me why I looked so different. Two asked me if I had dyed my hair (not necessarily a positive comment, and the flat iron makes the hair so shiny and glossy that my garish blonde foil highlights are even more obviously bad and garish, but I don’t mind them).

BEFORE (with my hound, who never needs a flat iron):

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AFTER:

Photo on 2013-11-05 at 10.17

It’s a nice option to have.

Now my challenge is to wake up early enough on Sundays to do something with my hair, which looked so hideously flat and stringy and ugly in the video of last week’s sermon that I determined never to leave the house on the Sabbath without teasing it unto the Lord Most High.

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Is There Such a Thing As a HAIR TUTOR?

Okay, can we just talk about this for a minute?

I have shoulder-length hair now. This should mean that I can do STYLES, shouldn’t it? It should mean that if I watch YouTube videos of women with shoulder-length hair putting theirs up in pretty ‘dos with no apparent David Copperfield-type magic skills, I should be able to DO THOSE STYLES, right?

So how come I can do like ONE style and maybe, by accident, one other sort of style, but mostly I’m decent at making a ponytail and even that flops down and loses the volume I made an effort to give it, and sometimes I manage a messy top knot but those aren’t even flattering to my full face and this is now becoming a ridiculous run-on sentence?

Oh, how about those GOODY hair products that you buy for $3 at Walgreens that promise a beautiful ballerina bun or a French twist but wind up being a piece of confusing plastic that you end up throwing across the room in frustration? If I had a dollar for every one of those stupid things that hasn’t worked, I’d have ten bucks by now! And I could PAY someone to put my hair up for me! Although I think it costs more like $25 to get an updo.

You would think I could maybe just do a simple BRAID by now, wouldn’t you? Oh, but no. My braids are pathetic, falling-out things that poof and scraggle at the hairline and fall out even when I use the tiniest little elastic made just for slippery little braids like the ones I can manage to make.

SURE, I could spray my hair with dry shampoo every day and tease it up at the crown and give it a ton of volume and then manage to turn that rat’s nest into a fairly sophisticated style and I do that on Sundays and for weddings and funerals, but a girl doesn’t want to go the Full Adele on a regular basis or she’ll wind up with a monster frizz of breakage and chronic dryness!

I don’t much like wearing it down, because then I have HAIR all over my shoulders and that feels really weird and these days, hot! Here I am at General Assembly with someone, and I actually have an ulterior motive for posting this photo which is that I don’t remember who this is — it was one of you dear pigeons whose real-life acquaintance I had not yet made — and it would ease my mind so much if you would remind me of your name, lovely lady. Jennifer, is that you?

And now I am going to bed. Thank you for listening.
IMG_1325

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Get Your Buns Up There!

Darlings, have you noticed that big top buns are ALL the rage right now? They’re a great look for ministry, and for preaching if you’re into up do’s. As you may recall, PeaceBang has gone from being a girl who has always had short hair to a gal with much longer hair, and she has a lot of fun playing with her new long locks. Hair is so interesting if you’ve never had any before. It’s a permanent accessory in a way that short hair simply is not. I’m always amazed when I have to keep it on my head all night: I always feel like I should be taking it off like my earrings or watch. When I had short hair the big struggle was to get it to have a style every morning, and I had to wash and style it every day to get it to look like anything. With longer hair, there is no need to shampoo it every day, and styling happens much less with blow-drying and the use of products than with accessories and creative ideas.

I prefer to wear my hair up for work. The chignons that I favor for preaching may age me, but I’m not trying to look younger when I preach or preside. I’m trying to look professionally polished.

The sock bun frenzy has been impossible for me to miss, so I thought I’d try a sock bun of my own. I bought a little mesh donut from K-Mart for $5, watched a YouTube tutorial* for gals with shorter, layered hair, and had at it.

Here’s what the bun donut looks like:

It was really super easy. I put my hair in a high ponytail, smoothed it out and held it up vertically and slid it into the donut hole. Then I split my hair into two sections, front and back, and flopped the hair over the donut. I slid a second ponytail holder over the the hair, securing it loosely over the donut, then pulled the hair out gently, poofing it and arranging it to cover the donut. I wrapped loose ends around the base of the bun and inserted a few hair pins to secure the whole business. Voila.

You could make take it from church to a party with a little fleur. [This isn’t really a good look for me: I look like I’m ready to take the stage as Bloody Mary in “South Pacific.”– PB]

But then again, who’s going to a party during LENT?

*Thanks to Miss Schmidt for her helpful YouTube video!