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Lord, Why Dost Thou Mock Me In This?


rockport
Originally uploaded by Peacebang.

Even branching out from black flats to taupe and other neutrals, I’m still having no luck.

These sturdy little items from Rockport are rather cute, but I’m just not *quite* ready to give up on the hope for a sex life someday. So, no.

smurf shoes

These sure do look comfortable, and when I get called to a congregation of SMURFS, I’ll definitely get a pair.

And these little jim dandys with absolutely no support might be cute once you get them on,

UFS

but I have this irrational fear that they might go flying off my foot in the middle of a board meeting and hit someone in the eye. We can’t have that.

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No, I Won’t You Be Your Neighbor, And I Hate Your Pants


He Was Kidding, Right?
Originally uploaded by Peacebang.

This gorgeous hunka hunka burning love is apparently J.C. Chasez, a celebrity-oriented type person. Never hoid of him before.

He’s very handsome. He’s fit. He’s young, he has beautiful skin and cute hair. So what’s with the outfit? Is this supposed to be ironic? Or nostalgic? Or just kind of whimsically elegant? Because fish ain’t biting. To my eyes it just looks silly, and totally out of character. It looks like a costume, which is always a mistake. He looks like he just escaped from a bus-and-truck of “Forever Plaid.”

Fellas, we know that the REAL J.C. always unerringly fashionable. This J.C., not so much. Look how he’s emasculated himself, made himself a walking expression of sarcasm, and just plain dressed like a foo’. (As in,”Hey foo’! What’s with the plaid pants!”)

I know a good number of clergy gents who attempt this look on some level as a way of working the tranquil, unthreatening Rev. Fred McFeely Rogers vibe, but believe me, they mostly don’t succeed. Even if you have a sort of avant-garde cardigan like this one, and you think you’re dressing it up with a tie, think twice before emulating Monsieur Chasez. If you’re truly gentle and fatherly, and you’re over 60, maybe you can carry it off. If you’re young and handsome, don’t don this kind of ensemble as a way of underplaying your natural hotness. It might just make you look weirdly pervy, like this guy. And Lord knows we don’t need that.

Thus spaketh the Bang, who when she sees plaid pants, always thinks “Darien Country Club,” and not in a good way.

Thanks to the Go Fug Yourself gals for the photo.

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Brown Is The New Black

You may have noticed, beautiful clerics, that brown is everywhere this year. You got yer brown pants, you got your brown shirts, you got yer brown boots, you got yer brown bags and brown sweaters and brown coats!!

Brown! Brown! Brown!

With all this brown around, PeaceBang, a brown-eyed girl, wants to say a few words about this color.

1. Brown can be lush and gorgeous, or brown can be blah. Be careful how you use brown.

Regardez:

brownjacket
This is a lovely brown jacket. Men, I’m sure there’s a nifty version of this garment for you somewhere at Macy’s or the like. It’s a rich brown, like the pelt of a cute animal like a beaver or otter, it has terrific bronze buttons, it’s fun. You can throw an interesting, long, nubby scarf around the neck and wear it out anywhere with beautiful jeans and wonderful boots.

But, ah, mira:
brownblah
The lady, she is so downcast! Por que? Because she did not take PeaceBang’s advice to choose luxe brown pieces and she is just looking very blah in her brown sweater. The color is dead, it has no richness to it, and even though she is very pretty and slim and has shiny hair, her complexion and her demeanor are dragging because of this poopy garment.

Brown is fabulous, my darlings! But not all brown is fabulous. Choose it wisely and well, in interesting, rich fabrics that capture light and that don’t just mope around like a dried out peach pit on the kitchen counter.

If you have a dull complexion and hair and refuse to wear make-up, avoid the brown. The brown, it will do you and your people no good. The brown, it can be a curse. Or it can be a blessing.

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Miss Matchy And One Bad Hairdo For Men

I saw an outfit today in a ministerial setting that made a nice attempt, I thought, at being attractive and professional but that undermined itself with one really unfortunate choice.

Outfit: Checked, short-sleeved, oversized boyish cotton blouse buttoned to the neck. Flirty, cute, fitted skirt with ruffle at the knee. Some kind of jet beads around the neck over the blouse. A pair of cute black flats.

The problem: The blouse. Bigger problem: The dressy beads at the neck over the blouse.

Even a nice, ironed, fitted t-shirt would have been an improvement. You just can’t dress up a shapeless, cotton plaid shirt two sizes too big with a pair of beads. Sorry.

If your bottom half is dressy and flirty, the top half shouldn’t be, for lack of a better word, farmeresque. The marriage between an oversized, plaid cotton shirt and a lovely skirt cannot be saved.

If the shirt is the only clean thing left in your closet, here’s an idea: wear it as an overshirt over a fitted, sleeveless shell. Add some ethnic beads or a headwrap, wear a great pair of jeans and heeled boots, or get out your denim skirt. Add some glow to your face, and a nice neutral lipcolor.

If the skirt is the clean item, pair it with a cap-sleeved t-shirt and a slim, interesting belt, or a nice sweater set. Wear small hoops or bead earrings. Polish up the punim with a moisturizing lip color. A bit of blush. Make sure the flats aren’t scuffed. Moisturize your legs if you’re going without hose.

I cannot tell you how many colorless, washed out clergy I am seeing around these days, all of which makes me think, “DARLINGS, if we look this pallid and crusty in SEPTEMBER, we’re going to be positively ATROCIOUS by Christmas!! And THEN the Baby Jesus will be AFRAID of us!”

Remember: You represent God’s extravagant love for the world! Shine on!

P.S. Guys? A haircut that really, really doesn’t work unless you’re a totally hot Brazilian evangelical with a face like Antonio Banderas’ is the whole slicked back thing. At best it looks really funeral directorish, and at worst I’m thinking maybe Dracula.

*Yiddish for face.