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How To Dress For An EVENT

Darling and faithful ones!

I attended an EVENT yesterday at Andover-Newton Theological School, and was very happy to see that some religious people understand what it means to dress for an Event.

How can you tell when something is an Event, and not merely, say, A Meeting, a Gathering, or a Shindig?

Here’s one easy hint: if there is a keynote speaker who is the president of an entire denomination and you had to R.S.V.P. for dinner, it’s an EVENT. If there are two speakers who are presidents of entire denominations, did you even have to ask if this is an EVENT? Seminarians, if there are people in attendance who might have the slightest influence on your ability to get a job in ministry, consider it an EVENT even if it just feels like a confab.

An EVENT requires structured clothing.

This means that there should be no sweatshirts, no polar fleeces, no elastic waistbands in the pants, no all-cotton ensembles suitable for the gym. This is not a weekend spiritual retreat, you will not be walking the labyrinth later.

I SAW ONE WOMAN WEARING A NICE OUTFIT AND WHITE GYM NIKES.

This is so wrong. Even if you have weak ankles, you can buy black sneakers or some other foot-friendly shoes. PeaceBang just about had to be held back from ripping those glaring white gym shoes off those pantyhosed feet.
NEVER EVER EVER EVER WEAR SNEAKERS WITH PANTYHOSE!!

You know, I don’t think I was able to feel until just now how upsetting that vision was. Thank you for being there so I could fully experience the pain.

Ladies, please do check for cleavage issues when you’re dressing up. One earnest person of the larger-breasted species was wearing an outfit that clearly had a lot of effort behind it but when she sat down, one could see her entire mammary situation. This is not good; especially not when paired with a skirt that’s just a bit too short. The moral of this story is, sit down and lean forward in the mirror before you leave the house. PeaceBang, who is of abundant bazoomage herself, has many a time learned too late that the shirt that worked so appropriately while standing up becomes a festival of inappropriate sharing when seated. Take care, lovelies. This can be a problem for smaller-chested gals, too. Take the time to check it out.

If you’re confused about how to dress for an Event, a few guidelines:

1. Men and male-identified: nice pants of whatever level dressiness you like and a sports coat. The tie is up to you. If you want to look like a contender, a tie is a necessity. Look around you: are the speakers wearing ties? Would you like to be invited to be a speaker someday? If the answer is yes, put the noose on, baby. If you’re sitting in the back row and are just there for fun and you’re settled with a good job and you’re known to be an affable, cool dude, wear whatever you bloody please. People will be glad to see you. If you’re a new papa, you can even wear spittle-encrusted garments. It will just look charming.

2. Ladies and female-identified: The creative options are endless! Nubby sweaters and longish skirts, nice trousers and blouses, skirt and blazer. A bit of make-up and put-together hair. PeaceBang saw so many wild split ends last night she’s going to have to post separately on that issue. Some jewelry that wasn’t made by your kindergartner (that’s fine for everyday, but not for an evening EVENT). Spruce up. Make an impression.

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Holiday and Preppy Sweater Watch 2006


ski sweaters
Originally uploaded by Peacebang.

You are snazzy people, my readers, so I know I don’t have to tell you that you aren’t under any obligation to wear that reindeer-motif sweater your Aunt Mona got you last year. You just tell Aunt Mona that you gave that sweater to Someone Who Needed It More Than You, and she’ll totally forgive you. You’re such a giver.
Tell her that, then see that you do it. Because honey, ANYONE needs that sweater more than you do. They could live in HAWAII and need that sweater more than you do. If you wear that sweater you will just be giving your dignity right over to Dasher, Dancer, Prancer and Vixen. As I’ve repeated many times, there should be no holiday-themed wear in your working wardrobe.

While you’re avoiding holiday motif sweaters, my little cider donuts, could you also consider steering clear of snowflake sweaters and other such Aspen vacation-evoking garments?

Here’s the thing: unless you’re doing ski lodge ministry, I don’t really think the Suzy Chapstick look is terribly professional. It’s just so bloody preppy. I know it’s not fair, but I’m going to say it anyway: Whenever I see someone in one of those Fair Isle sweaters I always think to myself, “Well, there’s someone who’s never met a black person in her life.”

I KNOW that’s not fair. I SAID it wasn’t fair. But I grew up in one of the towns listed in the preppy handbook, and I have a very old prejudice against Fair Isles.

Remember that Extreme Prep, although cute and sporty, is inherently about privilege and naturally evokes associations of country club elitism. Just be aware, and for god’s sake, don’t wear green courduroys with pink whales on them.

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PeaceBang’s Imaginary Talk With Morgan Fairchild



Originally uploaded by Peacebang.

Morgan: Hello?
PeaceBang: Hi, Miss Fairchild ? This is PeaceBang. I’m a blogger whose life mission it is to defrumpify the American clergy.
Morgan: Mmm hmm?
PeaceBang: Let me first say, Miss Fairchild, that I have had a girl crush on you since I was a teenaged babysitter and you were the prettiest woman on “Fantasy Island” or “Love Boat” and you had a nose just like a Barbie Doll and amazing big blonde hair and a kind of funny, self-mocking way about you that I’ve always adored. Let me just say that first.

Morgan: Isn’t that nice. Did you call for an autographed photo of me? I have some left over from the “Old Navy” ad campaign I did a few years ago where I was *particularly* self-mocking…
PeaceBang: No. No, thank you, Miss Fairchild. Actually, I was calling to ask you to never wear that sweatshirt again, and especially with a turtleneck. I mean, you can wear it to bed if you want, but it would really help my cause if you never wore it again, and especially not in public. You see, Miss Fairchild, it’s getting close to Halloween, and your punkish skeleton sweatshirt with the matronly turtleneck is just the kind of thing that ministers wear near various holidays to try to be cute and seasonal, but it actually just makes them look really dumpy and corny, and then it’s just one step more to long, body-obliterating denim skirts to go with the holiday-themed sweatshirt, and then … well, it’s just Frump City. And I think I said earlier, God has called me to fight the Frump.

Morgan Fairchild: I see. I’ll certainly consider it. From a religious standpoint, I mean. I still like the sweatshirt, and I’m wearing the turtleneck because my neck is covered with hickeys.

PeaceBang: And that’s why I love you, Miss Fairchild.

[Thanks to the Go Fug Yourself gals for the photo.]

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Reservations About "What Not To Wear"

PeaceBang has noticed, much to her horror, that many of the outfits vetted by Stacy and Clinton on “What Not To Wear” could be most honestly described as Butt Ugly.

While the fabulous duo are still great at certain aspects of fashion intervention, some of the clothes featured on the made-over participants have been simply heinous. There has been a particularly frightening trend toward atrociously ugly skirts of late — skirts that are doubly offensive for being both ugly and expensive.

Also, PeaceBang cannot, in all good conscience, condone make-up artist Carmindy’s penchant for slathering all the contestants in tan base and leaving off BLUSH. What have you got against BLUSH, CARMINDY? Cheeks are GOOD! Bone structure is GOOD!

It’s still a hoot of a fun show, though. I’m going to be up all night writing church things because I just hunkered down for a “WNTW” marathon from 8-10:30.

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Why You Should Care About "Why Men Hate Going To Church"

David Murrow has written what PeaceBang thinks is a little jim-dandy of a book called Why Men Hate Going to Church.

Isn’t that subtle?
There’s a photo on the cover of a cute white man sacked out asleep in a pew with his mouth hanging open. PeaceBang absolutely laughed out loud when she saw it.

The jist of the thing, as you may have guessed from the title, is that Men Hate Going To Church because it’s become a thoroughly feminized institution, totally lacking the muscular quality of our Jesus’ earthly ministry, which involved manly things like lowering a paralytic down through the roof of a house to hear a sermon.

It occurs to PeaceBang that some of the guys in her own congregation — and she has a lot of awesome manly men if she does say so herself, and dear God, they’re sharp dressers too!!!– would really enjoy the challenge of lowering someone through the roof of ourchurch. However, she feels that somehow that might be somewhat of a distraction on a Sunday morning. Maybe PeaceBang herself could be lowered through the roof of the church? On a crane or cherry picker?

ANYhoo, reading Mr. Murrow’s book, PeaceBang thought to herself, “Not only does this have implications for the way I will plan my preaching schedule and programming for the year(s), it reaffirms for me that I am absolutely right in refusing to dress like some kind of cross between Endora from ‘Bewitched’ and Grizabella from a bus-and-truck company of ‘Cats.'”

My point, sweet readers, is that when female pastors insist on donning the muu-muu’s and other loose, shapeless garments, enormous pendants that look like a transponder to the Mother Ship, comfy, squishy shoes that put a man in mind of his grandmother in her waning years, and all in such colors as suggest a modern dance teacher rather than a professional, she communicates something to the men in the congregation. In my opinion, the message she subtly communicates goes something like this:

“I have just come from a Wombyn’s Spirituality Retreat where I referred to God exclusively as Mother/Creator/Spinner/Weaver, where I led small-groups on How Patriarchy Has Ruined The World, and where I shared and cared with every woman there in a deep and intimate way that you could never understand or be part of. And, I talked specifically about YOU with your wife. We discussed how you never listen to her and how you perform in bed.”

I am not trying to protect and coddle men who don’t need my protection or my coddling. What I am saying is, if we dress like Stevie Nicks’ much-less-glamorous sisters, we are unconsciously visually aligning ourselves with one kind of spirituality, and we have to take responsibility for that. PeaceBang believes we can be feminine, honor the feminine Divine, and still dress in such a way that expresses our solidarity with those whose work and persona quite explicitly requires them to button up.