WHOA, MAMA!
I got this letter from a 79-year old woman on November 9, 2015, forwarded from the United Church of Christ who received it in response to running an article by me (I guess? I don’t remember getting a request from them, but I’m sure they asked for permission, whatever it was) in Common Lot magazine (which I have never seen). It read,
Hello,
I found your article in the last Common Lot magazine interesting. + agree- ministers and lay people should not look frumpy [I would never have said anywhere that lay people should not look frumpy – PB] – it gives the wrong impression. I grew up in the 50s when nylons and high heels were the accepted dress and jeans were considered to be just plain tacky. So I’ve had to adjust my thinking as well. But, you left out the most important part of looking sharp and that is your weight. Seems to me that most of the lady ministers are overweight, and I’ve noticed that in other denominations as well. The question is: Are overweight women attracted to the ministry or does the ministry attract overweight women?
Ministers I’ve been acquainted with expect the parishioners to be disciplined — show up for church on time/stand when you’re supposed to stand, sit when you’re supposed to sit; shake hands when told to, give something to the church. And here they are being the most undisciplined person around. It certainly gives the wrong impression to put such an overweight person on the cover of Common Lot magazine.
You mention floral handbags but are overlooking the major cause of frumpiness: fat. Here’s an idea you could promote – the 5% plan… [Here the writer goes on to detail her weight maintenance plan].
Well, this is a great conversation starter, indeed!
My first thought was that, okay, LW speaks truth: looking put-together is an extra challenge for us fat folks, and fat is often a fast track to frumpiness. The reasons are obvious: plus-sized clothing for men and women are awful (but worse for women –guys can stick with the basics of suits and ties or shirts and slacks). Fat people have been told we’re unattractive, undisciplined and morally inferior all our lives, and that doesn’t lead to confident stature and a well-developed sense of personal style. To be fat and have some flair is almost an outlaw act of defiance in this culture! You have to fight extra hard to look good and feel good about yourself. WERK that rotundity!
But this letter is mostly prejudiced, judgmental and fat-shaming. First, I am curious about the “wrong impression” phrase that the LW uses twice in her letter. It is an obvious statement of moral prejudice against fat bodies — we are giving “the wrong impression” by being fat. We are, she suggests, unworthy representatives of our faith traditions. I guess she feels that we should either not exist in leadership or should be hidden in the back row of group photos while thin, ostensibly disciplined and worthy people are featured.
Interesting assumptions, lady!
Fat people eat more than they use in energy. That’s how we get fat.
Lots of people eat too much. Some of them don’t get fat. But by this letter writer’s moral reasoning, the fat person is the only “undisciplined” one.
I wonder if she would rather have her faith tradition visually represented by someone like me, a fat person, or that thin preacher who runs five miles a day, eats small portions and screws his parishioners? Or drinks herself into oblivion every night? Or lies to his board about fiscal matters? Or by a slim pastor who smokes cigarettes or drives dangerously fast or hasn’t prayed with any real conviction in years?
“Here they are being the most undisciplined ones around!!?” Excuse me, ma’am?
To the Letter Writer, discipline extends solely to the ability to not put another donut into your mouth. That’s not a very thoughtful or accurate definition of discipline. I mean, it’s one kind of discipline — dietary willpower. It’s a discipline that I don’t have much of, and frankly haven’t tried to engage very often because when I do, I wind up more obsessed than ever with FOOD FOOD OH MY GOD GIVE ME SOME CHICKEN WINGS NOM NOM NOM.
Does the ministry attract fat people [women] or does it make us fat?
The ministry attracts sensitive people, we know that. Sensitive people tend to be highly empathic and soak up a lot of sadness and negativity from the world and from individuals. Lots of eat by way of soothing that sadness or bringing some joy and yumminess into our lives. It’s a quick delight that comforts us for a moment then lands around our guts.
This isn’t rocket science.
SORRY for finding total joy in food! I wish I loved long distance skiing or playing tennis as much as I love food, but that’s not going to happen. I come from a long line of food-loving fat people. Food and cooking is a huge part of my cultural heritage. Did I mention that we’re fat going way back? My great-grandmother worked hard all day and I inherited her hamhock upper arms. We’re fat. Both sides of the family tend to chub.
Church life and religious community is centered around food.
Many of us feel like eating delicious foods is a fantastic benefit of life in ministry. I know I do. Those sandwiches and homemade treats at the women’s Christmas luncheon? Pass the plate!
I was a plump girl when I applied to seminary and I lost a bunch of weight in div school, then gained it back. Maybe the Letter Writer would have liked me better 70 lbs. lighter than I am now. Maybe she would have found me more suitable for being “out in front” and representing the church. I would like her to know that when I was lots thinner, I was also on “perfectly safe” diet pills that my doctor prescribed. Remember fen-phen? Yea, I was on that stuff. It turned out to be TOTALLY NOT SAFE and also carry a real amphetamine type kick. Not healthy!
I’m healthier now walking my fat body around with my dog, eating well (too much, but very well), and getting good sleep. Still fat, though.
What does “discipline” mean to me?
I’m disciplined in my work. I work diligently every day to be a good pastor, administrator, leader, community presence, writer/blogger, activist, preacher, and colleague. That takes quite a bit of discipline.
I earned a doctor of ministry degree while working full time and wrote an honors doctoral thesis. That took a lot of discipline.
I maintain friendships and close family relationships and am active in the performing arts. That all requires discipline and commitment.
I am fiscally responsible and tend to all aspects of my domestic life and homeowner responsibilities on my own. That requires quite a bit of discipline.
I am constant in prayer and reflection and diligent in study. I read dozens of books every year. That takes some discipline, because it’s way more fun to play Candy Crush or watch movies.
I speak for hundreds of fat ministers when I say that fat clergy do everything that thin clergy do, and with just as much discipline in many areas, less in some (eating and exercising) and more in others (which can’t be known unless you poll all of us to find out what our disciplinary strengths are).
I appreciate the Letter Writer’s epistle, though. There are many Christians out there who believe similiarly that fat ministers are a disgrace, that our bodies are unfit to represent the Church, and that fat people are inherently less disciplined than thin people.
Good to know. Thanks for reminding me of all the fat-hate out there, LW. As for your diet tips, I’ll speak for every overweight person I know when I say that no one knows more weight loss tips than fat people. You may hate our bodies but please don’t insult our intelligence.
LW writes, “The question is: Are overweight women attracted to the ministry or does the ministry attract overweight women?”
I would like to rephrase that question for you, LW. I think the question may be, “Why do sensitive, caring people who slave for garbage wages working for shallow, judgmental Christians like you overeat instead of consuming 5% less at every meal as you’ve suggested and taking brisk hikes afterward?” I can’t imagine.
Must be their lack of discipline.
