I went to Target today to buy some mundane household items and spent about half an hour trying on chunky necklaces (very au courant). Good therapy for the Easter-addled soul. Then I decided to swing by the clothing section — you know, just to look, on the way to the bleach and garbage bags. I had already purchased a swoon-worthy pair of Steve Madden corky platform strappy sandals at Famous Footwear and was feeling so ecstatic about them, and a pair of flattering jeans, that I figured it would be too much to ask the shopping gods for more good luck.
But when I saw the vests, I stopped short and almost wept with joy. The gods had blessed me again.
Not just vests. Fitted, gorgeous vests with LAPELS, people. Vests that flatter the curvaceous figure and also look professional with a touch of sex appeal. Vests that you can wear with a crisp white shirt and big chunky beads and a pair of black trousers and ankle-strap platforms and look just totally fabulous. I bought a black one and a grey pin-striped one. I love vests. I am so happy that I will willingly stay up all night tonight to finish my doctoral proposal that’s due in the morning.
Now let me clarify. When I say vests I am not talking about some crocheted, shapeless thing that just hangs on the body (which admittedly looks great if you’re willowy and small-bosomed and are wearing an otherwise body-conscious outfit). Not a leather vest left over from your biker days that cuts you in half and makes every body part below the vest bulge unattractively. Not one of those vaguely ethnic vests that could be cute if it wasn’t worn with a corduroy A-line skirt the size of Kentucky, or with a pair of Mom jeans and frumpy shoes. (If you’ve got one of those ethnic vests, it would be cute with a pair of fashionable cropped pants, with a nice sandal. If you have a good figure, you could wear it with a very fitted crew-neck t-shirt and a pair of dressy shorts or gauchos, with a pair of woven sandals. Very chic.)
Speaking of dressy shorts, ladies,
I went into some stores and looked at the new dressy shorts for you, and I can report that they’re not bad. PeaceBang almost bought a pair of below-the-knee lined white ones, which looked smashing when she was standing up but then didn’t look elegant enough when sitting down. If I lose another ten lbs. soon maybe I’ll go back and get them. Do check the view while seated, since this is how people see you at meetings and in counseling. And don’t go with anything above the knee if you’re considering shorts. Yes, they’re very stylish. No, they shouldn’t be above the knee. Period. Non-negotiable.
Men, I don’t think you can wear shorts for church meetings or events. I know everyone else does. I just don’t think you should. Maybe during the most sweltering days of summer you can wear a pair of Bermudas of modest length, but PeaceBang is of the opinion that it is hard to take a man seriously when he’s in shorts. Besides, khakis are handsome and linen trousers absolutely smart with a clean and pressed polo in a bright color. Don’t you want to look smart? Why, you might even find some lovely soft leather shoes that aren’t sneakers to go with your summer wear! And won’t you be smashing?
Look at these! They also come in orange and turquoise! How whimsical!
Or these, very smart:
Note to You-Know-Who: yes, I’m coming over and going through your closet and throwing out all those disgusting, pitted-out golf shirts you insist on wearing. And not only will you not fight me about it, you’ll thank me and take me out to dinner afterwards.