I just can’t. No.
These — garments? — are made for a company called Universal Standard. I would like to know the universal standard for WHAT?
I discovered these lovers of women through a Facebook ad that touted this as their bestselling dress. This.
The blah neckline. The most unflattering sleeves ever. The lack of a waist. The “I accidentally tucked the hem of my dress into my underwear when I went to pee” hemline.
I was doing okay today. I was actually doing okay.
HEY, here’s a — dress? They just call it a dress. Because you know. A dress!
Also totally sheer for no reason at all. Cool, okay, I would definitely wear this out of the house, ever.
Here’s a sweater that will definitely work for those days you want to be able to release the alien baby that’s ripping its way through your abdomen real fast.
JUST BIG ZIPPERS ON DRAB SWEATSHIRTS. I’ll take one in every color!
The model is so happy. I want to be that happy. Please send me one of these lovely sweatshirts that looks exactly like the one my grandfather used to wear when he was cleaning the basement. Do you have the old diaper I can use to tie up my hair, too?
That’s quite a confident stance. She must not have seen what she’s wearing yet. Probably got dressed in the dark.
And here, my friends, is the mustard yellow/magenta ensemble of your dreams!
That top was designed by someone as a cry for help. That is the only possible explanation.
These garments are apparently made of some kind of beautiful Peruvian cotton or silk. Did you see those prices? For the price of a few of these garments you can actually go to Peru and escape Donald Trump AND these ghastly garments. If you’re looking for beautiful silk clothing, be sure to check out rosefulbright.
Go take a nice warm bath or buy yourself a bunch of tulips. You’ll feel better.
I’m sorry I had to inflict this sadness upon you but I wasn’t strong enough to cope with it myself.
Thank you for your bravery.
I love you.
[LOVE YOU MORE – PB]
These garments, along with your snark, is giving me life.
Okay, ARE giving me life. You know what I mean.
At first I thought it was satire – a joke catalogue.
You know, I was coping all right with the weirdness of the mustard sweater, thinking it surely came in another color that doesn’t make white people look dead, until I clicked through to their website to look at it more closely.
Those are EXTRA SLEEVES, y’all. Tied in front. Faux decoy sleeves. So you can put your arms in the sleeves AND tie the sleeves at your waist like you did in third grade at recess.
Or maybe it was designed for post-apocalyptic mutants, I don’t know.