Hi Cookies!
A couple of you asked me recently for my advice on how to talk to someone (a colleague, I presume) about how to dress more appropriately. I’m so glad you asked, because that’s just what I’m here for. I hope the following will be helpful to you.
1. Assess your authority and influence in this person’s life, and plan your conversation accordingly. This is not a one-size-fits-all situation. Are you this person’s supervisor? Is this official feedback that will effect his or her compensation, employment or advancement? If so, treat the feedback like any other supervisory feedback and be clear what the institution’s expectations are, eg, “That you dress in a way that reflects well on our church, and let me help you understand where you’re not meeting that goal, and give you some specific suggestions about how you can improve this aspect of your performance.” Just like any other type of supervisory feedback, it’s not your job to solve the problem for your employee or intern, but to give clear guidelines and arrange for a check-in in a certain amount of time to review if the matter is improving.
Professionally appropriate attire is a basic expectation for employees everywhere, and is not in anyone’s job description (except perhaps under a general professionalism core competency). Don’t expect that everyone will intuitively get how to do it right in your specific setting. Help them understand what it means for this setting and then hold them accountable for meeting that expectation.
If your influence with that person is more as a friend or mentor, broach the subject as something important you want to talk to them about. Do not try to sneak a few suggestions into a bigger conversation; chances are they won’t get your hint.
2. Frame the conversation in a positive and loving way, and don’t pre-apologize for what you want to say.
Here’s the difference,
“Glinda, I’d like to talk to you about something kind of personal, and I think it’s important. Please don’t get defensive, but those big puffy ballgowns you always wear? And that crown? No one is taking you seriously, and you need to buy some pants suits.”
“Glinda, I’m really excited to see you doing so well as our new youth minister. I think you’re going to do a really good job this summer leading the camp, and I’m looking forward to introducing you to the new parents next week when we have our orientation. But before we start planning that, I want to talk about your image as a leader here at St. Dorothy’s. I feel that you’re personally maturing in your leadership skills and presence, but you’re not dressing in a way that reflects that.”
Presumably you are willing to bring up the subject in the first place because you think this person has some gifts, right? Make sure they know that before they hear anything critical about their horrible taste in clothes.
3. Realize that this person is probably listening to you through a fog of defensiveness, anxiety and/or stress, so keep the conversation short, simple and helpful. After you inform the person that they’re not dressing appropriately for the work and for their own professional future, give them a couple of examples of how that’s happening:
“… a few things I have seen you wear that are not appropriate for work are cut-off shorts, sleeveless T-shirts or beach sarongs such as the tasseled garment that you wore on Sunday.”
4. Do not get drawn into debates about your personal taste in clothes, your generational differences, or any other argument involving specific garments or the expense of acquiring new ones. These are all diversions.
Example,
Argument opener:
“Well, I’m sorry you don’t think my leggings are appropriate to wear on Sundays but if you were paying attention, you’d know that everyone my age wears them all the time. They’re super comfortable and I work with the youth so I don’t need to dress up.”
Argument closer:
“This really isn’t about what I personally prefer at all. It’s about my responsibility to assure that everyone on this staff is dressed appropriately for our community. Leggings in lieu of pants are not appropriate professional dress for any staff position at this church.”
Argument opener:
“I’ve been wearing these old ripped flannel shirts because I can’t afford new ones.”
Argument closer:
“I understand that money is tight. One of the benefits to working in a church community is that we’re a helping community. Would you like me to ask _______ or the __________ Committee to help you find some donations?
Dressing appropriately isn’t an option, it’s a requirement of the job.
5. When giving specific examples, focus on garments, not on bodies.
Not: “Ken, as part of your effort toward more professional dress, please don’t wear sandals to worship. No one should be able to see your big, calloused toes.”
But this: “I would like you to wear shoes for worship rather than sandals.”
Not: “Dorcas, I am concerned that everyone had a clear view of your buttocks and panty line in those tight white pants you wore to Confirmation Class last week.”
But this: “Dorcas, I think you have a great sense of personal style and I know you put a lot of effort into dressing in a fun and expressive way. I did want to let you know that the white pants you wore last week to Confirmation Class were very revealing. I’d rather you didn’t wear those for church.”
6. Try out your conversation with a friend so you can strike the right balance between coming on too hard or frustrated (eg, “HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW THAT EVERYONE CAN SEE YOUR PANTY LINE WHEN YOU WEAR TIGHT WHITE PANTS?”) and too vague and low-key. And a great point I just got from a very helpful book called Crucial Conversations is that none of us should ever rely on non-verbal cues or passive-aggressive methods to communicate our disapproval. Eye-rolling, slight frowns, sarcasm, anonymity are all anxiety-creating and have no place in a healthy relationships or community.
6. Do not care-give or try to problem-solve for anyone’s wardrobe unless you’re a personal friend who would like to take this on and can do it well. And let me tell you, as someone who has styled many friends and done wardrobe and image consulting, it is emotional and touchy work. Just as you would for any other kind of professional development, refer them to professional resources. It is not your job to fix this problem yourself.
7. Don’t make moral judgments, but stick to your points about their professional goals, their image, and/or your own responsibility to the community. This isn’t a debate, it’s feedback. In the end, if someone can’t take feedback, they’re going to be making a lot more bad choices than fashion faux pas. Speak up, document the conversation, set clear expectations, and expect improvement.
Thank you for this. Do you have any advice on how to approach a colleague in ministry? Someone who is in a different parish?
Fantastic advice here for all sorts of touchy conversations – you sound like you’d be a great boss, PB.
Andrea – my advice is DON’T! It may bother you, but you have no right to be giving advice about dress to colleagues from a different parish. If that community wants to deal with the issue then they will. If they don’t, that’s their choice.
I have occasion to do this from time to time. The church I served the longest was fairly formal among its members, so that helped set the tone for staff. (I didn’t realize how formal – and classy – they were until I was a guest speaker at church nearby and saw people in j-j-j-jeans.) But in my next two, many of the members dress more casually for worship, so it gives less of a cue to staff. “Hey, they’re all showing up to church in skinny jeans and sandals…” Right. And you still can’t. I also asked the DRE to tell youth that they needed to think of the times they appeared in front of the congregation as being like a school concert or other formal occasion – no leggings without a dress, etc. They were reminded before youth Sunday and all looked well. My lips pursed a tiny bit at the length of the girls’ skirts, but good enough.
Thank you thank you thank you! I am getting ready to have this conversation with one of my supervisees and this is just really helpful. I hate having to do it but it’s gotta be done. Much appreciated.
I have to have this talk all too often with the graduate students (young and older) preparing for ministry whom I supervise. Thanks for this very helpful primer, PB. I may just send them all to you!
When I see female colleagues dressed in questionable ways, it often dawns on me that it’s related to weight: wearing clothes that are too small or tight, suggesting a recent weight gain, or other form of denial about what our bodies are capable of wearing.
(For my part, I spent the long Maine winter eating ice cream and was in denial about my favorite spring pants not fitting well — until I bent over in Joann Fabrics for some paint and the pants ripped down the tush. Yes, I’m using my real name here, but you can call me “bodacious bottom” the next time you see me. Mint chocolate chip rules!)
When it comes to women’s bodies, so many of us feel shame about size, shape, and lumpiness — and that’s why these conversations merit extra care and strategic planning. I think it’s important to *name* the effort that it can take to undo all of those voices (inner & cultural) that attach worthiness to our bodies. I’m haunted by Brene Brown’s observation that in our culture, criticizing another woman’s appearance is a shame “kill shot” — the heavy artillery that we use to be cruel or demeaning.
[Oh, I SO want to write a full response to this!! And I will soon! MWAH! – PB]