Baptism Advice From Pastor Newbie

Dear Pigeons!
I got this letter from Pastor Newbie who sent it, “in the style of PeaceBang” to several of her seminary pals. Atta girl, make your Auntie PB proud!! Here is what she wrote, and you will definitely laugh, as I did. Oh, this work! Quite a work it is!

subject: What I learned from my first baptism

Dearest D., D, T, and A,

[Pastor Newbie] has risen…she has risen indeed!

I feel compelled to share with you some feedback “from the trenches,” some practical observations I made this Easter Sunday when I performed my first baptism (yes, you would have thought I would have done one by now, but alas). I find this could be helpful when teaching rituals and ordinances, as well as preparing pastors in instruction for baptismal candidates. And this is all based on first hand experiences I had yesterday. Easter day. The day of the Risen Lord!

1) When preparing candidates for baptism, stress that this holy ordinance is about the decision to enter into discipleship of Christ in the Christian community. It is a spiritual time. A time of great heft. It is NOT the time to propose to your girlfriend whilst giving your testimony before the baptism. No. No. Nononononono. No. (and if you are going to do that, please tell the pastor ahead of time. She may talk you out of it. She may refuse to do the baptism. All reasons you probably did not want to tell the pastor ahead of time. But a little respect, please?)

2) Pastor. Dear pastor. Holy Week is a busy, busy time. And while you may not have done a baptism before, remember two important things a) check baptistry for leaks early so you are not wiping caulk away from your brow after Love Feast [this is what our Maundy Thursday service is called, PB], and b) locate baptismal robes FAR IN ADVANCE so you and the baptismal candidate are not reduced to entering into the holy waters with sheets stitched together for the tallest little angels in the Christmas pageant. And if you ARE reduced to this, recognize that sheet-robes with large, loosely stitched hems at the bottom hold a great deal of water. We don’t want to look like an incontinent little angel stepping out of the waters, now do we?

For what it is worth, I am humbly (oh, so humbly) yours,
[Pastor Newbie]