And now that we have had a bit of recovery time, let us sit around the fire sipping Postum and sharing stories of Christmas Eve Ministerial Dorkiness.
I’ll go first!
So, at the very end of the Christmas Eve service when I was feeling so happy and like, “YEA! We did it!” I looked down to see that I had FORGOTTEN TO WRITE A BENEDICTION. Or to cut and paste one from a previous year. Now, I have done how many Christmas Eve services? And have pronounced my favorite Christmas Eve Benediction HOW many times? But I went totally blank and not only could I not remember my favorite benediction, I couldn’t string together a coherent sentence to save my life, or even come up with a super simple Word of Dismissal. I’m a pro, right? I mean, one would think I could fairly calmly say something simple and loving and full of blessing. I do it all the time, and often from memory. But in that moment all I could access was the Snoopy Scribble (when Snoopy was confounded in the Peanuts strips, Charles Schulz would draw a big scribble in his cartoon bubble) and what came out of my mouth was something like, “May the spirit of Christmas, which is love, be yours this evening and every evening. May the… spirit of the angels [I meant to say ‘song’], which is music [Snoopy scribble getting worse], be in your … heart tonight and … bla bla oh my god help me to wrap this up and get out of this situation and AMEN and MERRY CHRISTMAS!”
Ack!!
And you know how it is: no matter how lovely everything else was, I will be forever haunted by the Dorky Christmas Eve Benediction of 2013.
How about you? Any good bloopers to share? Any particularly fabulous triumphs?
I did manage a fun transition from Dressed Up Christmas Eve Pastor to “Sparkly Party Vicki” by wearing a black knee-length skirt and boots, purple flowy empire waist top, and velvet trimmed cropped cardigan with hair up in a jeweled comb for church (or rather, for the cookies reception after church, since I was robed for the service). I then took my hair down and swapped out the cardigan for a sequined bolero jacket for the party. I was surprised when a woman who had been at the church service didn’t recognize me at the party! Success!
Well, the livestock had not arrived in time for the 4:00 pageant to start. The pageant director made her apologies to the assembly (lots of folks come to this pageant because of the animals), but the show must go on. Scene I, the Annunciation. Scene II, the Visitation to Elizabeth in the hill country. Scene III, Joseph’s dream. Just then, we heard braying at the church door. A pregnant pause…. And behold, the donkey appears in time for Scene IV, the journey to Bethlehem! And then a small flock of sheep enter the back of the church, in time for the youth group “shepherds” to wrangle them into the hills around Bethlehem. It all comes together, with love and goodwill. Even with the missed cues and pregnant pauses. Merry Christmas!
[You had me at livestock!! Merry Christmas! – PB]
This was my first time leading Christmas worship – I just started in October as a Chaplain in a nursing home/assisted living.It was also the first time they have had Christmas worship on-site for the residents. Yay! I was excited that these awesome folks I minister to would get to have Christmas service, since attending a normal church service off-site is difficult for many of them. My usual accompanist couldn’t be there, so I downloaded piano tracks for all 8 carols, burned a CD with them in the right order, tested the first few tracks to make sure it worked, tested the sound system to get the volume right, and enlisted my husband to hit ‘play’ and ‘pause’ at the right time.
The music problems started early on. The volume that had been fine with just me in the chapel was inaudible with 50+ people singing, so we had to turn it up louder than normal. This produced some unholy scratchiness/popping from the speakers. But I soldiered on. The tempo on the first song seemed off a bit, and as a result we were mumble-singing about half of it. The 2nd and 3rd carols went beautifully. The 4th… didn’t start. The CD wouldn’t play. That’s OK, I announce, we’ll just sing this one a-capella! And then NONE of the other songs would play. Which would have been OK, if I hadn’t picked one “nontraditional” carol that no one (including me) knew the melody to for our very next song. I improvised, and decided to substitute another traditional carol that I had planned for the next morning’s service (because that was the only way that I was sure that we wouldn’t be singing it twice in one service. It’s hard to keep track of 8 songs!).
We got through the rest of the service without a hitch, and it even sounded kind of nice with people singing louder than usual… but I think that next year I’ll either find a substitute pianist or at least test the whole CD. [I BELIEVE in tech demons that smite us despite our best efforts and pre-planning! Maybe what we need is a Tech Demon exorcist to travel around when we have services like this planned! – PB]
While pronouncing the Words of Institution during the Eucharist, I managed to recount how “Jesus broke the BED” rather than the “bread”. [Love it! High five me! – PB]
Speaking of tech demons… I had carefully tested the sound system in the afternoon because we were using four different mikes etc. As I made my entrance and turned on my headset, nothing but static… I wound up taking the mike off, but I am so used to not having to hold anything for communion, that I found it awkward… although not as awkward when we were singing the communion hymn and I noticed that there was no wine to pour! Thankfully an elder noticed it to and quickly went and got some.
Ah Christmas… am on a week of holidays now followed by a week of study leave.
But of course, I betcha that no-one will remember that you messed up the Benediction…instead they will remember the love in your voice, the warmth of your smile and the blessing of God Almighty…
Christmas Eve. New Christmas stole. Robe right length, stole too long. Carrying the bread and cup back up the steps to the altar after communion, I step on one end of my too long stole. Have to lean to the right to take the next step, then another step, still on my stole (my hands are full!) and have to lean even farther to the right. (Think Igor in Young Frankenstein.) Make it to the altar in one piece with cup and bread intact. Hemming stole this week. Watch that stole length, friends! [This made me LOL!! And clap with glee!! Love it! “Why is Rev. Ruth walking like Frankenstein, Mommy?” I’ve been there, my dear, I have been there. – PB]
Maybe Mommy answered, “No, not Frankenstein; Pastor Ruth was being Frankincense” (because of course, every kid wants to know what that is) 🙂
Sorry–end of the year silliness.
No particular moment for me, but just looking up at various times and thinking, really? I thought that should go there? And just as I thought the 2 early services were totally scattershot with no discernable theme, people came up & told me how beautiful they were. Tis balm, friends. We die of embarrassment. We take notes. We vow to improve, and we do. And most people do not notice AT ALL.
Let me state that I’m not embarrassed. Because I passed embarrassed very early in the service and moved straight on to hilarity.
So we do a children and family service because people love it. Lots of carols, a story instead of a sermon and the kids always do something cute. So the kids all come up for the story and we had the awesome idea to put a bunch of pillows and bean bags up on the platform so everyone could get nice and comfy. I decide it’s important to also tote by 10 month old son up there with me because, “Hey! I’m a mom now and we need to be open to the ways kids are in worship, blah blah” I’ve got a rocking chair (because hey! I’m a mom!) so I start reading and rocking. Note: 10 month old does not like to sit still to be read to. Eating the book is the priority.
10 month old quickly becomes overstimulated by the 50+ kids sitting around him and starts to scream at them. That adorable happy, look how loud I can yell kind of scream. I’m mic’ed so this is extra awesome. [Oh my god. Go on… – PB]
Promptly 3 boys decide that the pillows make an awesome wrestling mat. I stop the story to kindly invite one of the boys to sit in an extra-special seat right next to me. Commence reading with screaming, flapping 10 month old.
Another great idea I had was to hide pieces of 10 month old’s fisher price nativity scene throughout the sanctuary for a interactive scavenger hunt.[NO!!! LOL!!- PB] I place the clues in the book so the kids would find each piece as we go to that part in the story (Dear Fisher Price: There were shepherds, why did you leave them out?). This starts off fine as I ask individual kids who think they know where pieces are hidden to go find them. It becomes disastrous when the kids catch on and start racing all over the place as soon as I read the clue. [You SO asked for this. LOL!! – PB] I now have 50+ children all over the sanctuary and no means to control them. Children decide the guitar, the Christmas tree, the LIT Advent wreath are all more interesting than my story. [BLESS their hearts. – PB]
At some point daddy comes and gets 10 month old. Thank God for daddies. [But where was daddy when you were cooking up this insane scheme? Fire him!! BA ha ha! – PB]
Somehow we make it though the story, I don’t even know what the story was about anymore. We all stay on the platform to listen to the child soloist. Wrestling commences. I break it up and sit down with the kids. A seriously adorable little guy comes right up in my face to show me a “really long hair” he found on the ground. He kept saying “look at this long hair!” while stretching it between his fingers, “is it yours?” while he tries to put it on my head (it is NOT my hair) he then begins to try to find its owner by trying to match the hair on people’s heads. I cannot. stop. laughing. I’ve totally lost it at this point and can’t even get the kids to stop his search.
Kids choir sings. I make a joke about holy chaos, fumble through a benediction I tried to memorize (solidarity fist bump) and try to graciously accept all of the parents words of appreciation. “Look at this long HAIR!”[EWWWWWW!!!!! This is TRULY ATROCIOUS and you earn thousands of gold stars for sharing it in all its glory! Congratulations, you survived, and so did the church, and WHERE THE HELL DID THAT HAIR COME FROM? – PB]