Hey, chickadees!
The baked beans are in the oven. I’m winding down for a little break tomorrow, as I certainly hope you all are. Hanukah begins tonight and Advent One hits us on Sunday (that’s not a very nice thing to say, as it sounds like Baby Jesus is going to make landfall like a hurricane!). Take tomorrow OFF, okay? Off off. Not “I’m taking a walk and thinking about February spiritual programming” off. Not “I’m sneaking away at 6pm when everyone is in a tryptophan coma to return some work e-mails” off. Just OFF. Watch an old movie musical and put your feet up off.
Anyway, this little message came to me via Twitter just today, so I thought I would respond to it with all the righteous indignation it richly deserves. Here we go:
I said at the rehearsal, “Please don’t drink before the ceremony.” Arrived at ceremony: all 22 members of wedding party drinking beer. Sigh.
OKAY, WHAT THE HAY-ELL.
What, exactly is unclear about “please don’t drink before the ceremony?” What constitutes “drinking?” Does beer NOT COUNT? Is it okay to ignore the explicit instructions of the person whose LEGAL AND MORAL RESPONSIBILITY IT IS to conduct a wedding ceremony between two human beings who are of SOUND MIND and body? Because that’s a thing! It’s a real thing. The laws vary from state to state, but being intoxicated at one’s wedding makes the marriage voidable, which is a legal term for “no one had to take this seriously, pal.” The Catholic Church just straight up annuls this kind of nonsense. Null and void, party animals!
So how do you handle this?
You could decide to just go ahead with the ceremony and grit your teeth the whole time, breathing through your mouth so you don’t have to choke on the booze fumes emanating from the dearly beloved. It’s really hard to grit your teeth and mouth breathe at the same time, so no one could blame you for messing up the service or for ostentatiously passing a Certs to the bride or groom or other bride or other groom, waving your hand in front of your face, and going, “Whoooo! Does anyone have a breathalyzer on them? I’m not sure these fine people are of sound mind to proceed with the nuptials! HA ha!”
Or you could choose to assert your authority and convene a very quick and very pointed meeting with one item on the agenda: Houston, we have a problem. You came here under the influence after being explicitly instructed not to, so we don’t have a show as scheduled.
What you do after that is up to you. Take a walk to the congregation and explain the situation to them. Walk out and let them find an officiant who doesn’t care. Request that a generous check be written right then and there to the local rehab center or addictions ministry of your choice. Make them sweat a bit. Do not smile, do not play nice. If they’re intoxicated, they have disgraced the proceedings, not you.
None of us should feel obligated to bring our own sober good intent to the sacred covenant of marriage when the people actually getting married treat the occasion like a game of Quarters in fancy clothes.
Now that I’ve ranted and raved and wiped the froth off my mouth, I would genuinely recommend the following:
1. Do not officiate at any wedding for intoxicated people. If anyone tries to give you a hard time, explain that there are legalities involved. Be calm and firm. If you have any questions, give your friendly police station a call and have them send over an officer with a breathalyzer. I would not hesitate to request a breathalyzer test from anyone in the wedding party who might become disorderly, belligerent or disruptive of the proceedings. I’m not talking about a tipsy bridesmaid who’s a bit uneven on her heels (although she might be given a strong cup of coffee and recommendation to take a walk in the fresh air before any literal or metaphorical trips down the aisle). I’m talking about the person who’s slurring, whose eyes are glazed, who is emanating hooch haze.
2. Any attendant who is obviously intoxicated should be ordered to stand down from his or her duties. It’s an issue of safety, not to mention propriety. Draw that person aside, explain to them that they’re suddenly feeling dreadfully sick but will be fine in time for the reception, and send them away with a chaperone. Their over-indulgence in alcohol or other recreational drugs should not be allowed to ruin the ceremony or even to distract it. And you don’t get paid enough to deal with this [expletive politely deleted], now DO YOU?
3. Be sure to express your feelings about the situation before the ceremony. No one wants to be a scold, but if a couple has gone to the trouble to engage a religious leader to preside at their nuptials they should not be dismayed when that person does some on-the-spot ethical and moral reflection with them. Otherwise, they should have gone to Vegas and been married by an Elvis impersonator. We are not set dressing.
4. If anyone gets mouthy or muscly with you, remind them that the marriage is not legal until you have signed the license and sent it to Town Hall. That should give you some leverage.
5. If this is happening in your church or synagogue, explain that you have a policy about alcohol on the premises and escort them all to the door. Call the police if things get tense. Nothing in our ordination vows speaks of having to manage drunk crowds. Alcohol illegally on the premises is a liability issue for the church. “Get off my lawn, ya damned kids!” Seriously. Show them the door.
I hope to GOD that these folks didn’t actually show up at a church holding beers. I just HOPE to GOD.
The mic is open, dolls. Rant away, because I know that between the lot of us, we have SEEN IT ALL.
How about funerals? [If someone seems like they’re a danger to themselves or others, I would have someone bodyguard them to make sure they don’t fall over or explode. If you mean speakers, I would just quietly draw them aside and suggest that they seem “unwell” and that you would recommend reading their piece for them, as it seems as though they may be too emotional. If they press the matter, I wouldn’t push back too hard. Just stay close and be ready to step in if the situation becomes a major mess. What were your thoughts? – PB]
After a wedding when I was a very young pastor and the groom involved was the son of a VERY influential member of the congregation, and I literally had to bar the door to prevent the groomsmen from bringing pitchers of beer into the church from the VFW next door, I make it a part of every rehearsal to tell EVERYONE there that if they have been drinking alcohol I will not allow them to participate in the service. Period. If the bride or groom have been drinking I will not perform the service. Period. I say it at EVERY WEDDING (including my own sister’s) whether I expect there might be a problem or not. Haven’t had a problem since then, and frequently have a parent or grandparent thank me privately for having said that.
[Dearly beloved, the most rocking Rev. Erika Hewitt is here to share more of her story! Thank you sweetie! – PB]
Hi, Everyone. It was me who officiated, tweeted, and became your Teaching Moment.
Quite a moment, to walk into the banquet hall below the wedding space and see the bride, groom, and their 20 bridesmaids & groomsmen all cradling longnecks. Here’s why I went ahead with it: in the guise of “checking in,” I mingled among all 22 of them, smiling and chatting, and ascertained that nobody was even close to drunk. In fact, some of their GUESTS showed up drunk, but these 22 30-somethings looked guilty enough that I chose to go forward with the wedding.
This, too, may sound like a lame excuse, but leaving would have been an overreaction that I hadn’t officially prepared them for. I *asked* at the rehearsal that they not drink. I didn’t say, “…or I won’t be able to officiate tomorrow.” I’ve now added a clause to my information packet — which the bride and groom MUST both sign — that if I arrive at the wedding and any members of the wedding party appear to be intoxicated or under the influence of drugs, I’ll leave without officiating and without returning their fee (which I require before the rehearsal begins).
Just for the record, I got very stern with the banquet hall manager before the rehearsal, instructing her that the bar next to the wedding space could NOT serve alcohol to guests before the wedding. Then, when she overheard me giving instructions to the videographer about which space was off-limits, she corrected me and told him, “I disagree. Just get the shot, because that’s what brides want.” I firmly told her she could disagree with me, but could not override my instructions.
I love doing weddings. I LOVE it. It feeds me, couples like me, they learn about Unitarian Universalism, their guests are moved to tears, and we create magic together. This was one of those “once in a blue moon” weddings that went askew…. but in the end, the ceremony was fabulous and marred only by the mother of the bride nearly setting her dress on fire with a candle that (*righteous tone*) I TOLD the coordinator was too close to the chairs, and was ignored.
Thanks to you, dear Peacebang & all, for this conversation.
I turn into the “clergy witch” at 2 important places in the rehearsal. One is when you ask if anyone has any cause for this marriage not proceed speak now…I warn them if they have a joker in the pack to warn them I will stop the service then and there and the 3 of us will retire to my office to sort it out. The other spot is the alcohol, I say I am working for the government in an official capacity(because I sign the legal papers) and if I feel they are incapable of making an “informed decision” I will not proceed with the wedding. So don’t show up with booze on yr breath! And everybody laughs …I warn them I am turning into the clergy witch but am very serious about the warnings. So far so good
This is why the Wedding Instruction Book (aka the Wedding Ceremonial) at the Cathedral of St. Luke in Orlando, FL, was so detailed, and so rigorous. My favorite strong suggestion was: “It is seldom a good idea to have a participant under the age of five.” This was after we had a renegade red-headed three-year-old flower girl with a crystal bell who dangled it precariously over the slate steps as she lolled on them during the service. We had a Wedding Committee who were happy to play bad cop. They would take a renegade photographer down at the knees if they strayed from the back of the church. We didn’t allow drinking at the rehearsal either, and required that men remove their baseball caps–which we shouldn’t even have had to tell them. We also made it very difficult to be married in the Cathedral in the first place if they weren’t members. Our motto was, “If you want a fairy tale wedding, go to Disney.”
This is a timely post as I had a big wedding (9 bridesmaids, 7 jr bridesmaids/flower girls) just last weekend. I wasn’t the officiant (long story and I’m working on revising the wedding policy) and had lamented to my significant other the fact that I wasn’t in charge of the ballgame and didn’t get to give the marching orders, especially the ones re alcohol. The fumes around a few of the groomsmen at the rehearsal were pretty strong. The officiating clergy did make a ‘get to bed early and don’t party all night because you have a big day tomorrow’ (those were his words) announcement at the rehearsal dinner. The next day, a big ole party bus pulled up in front of the church. As far as I could tell, any drinking was done on the party bus, and since we don’t have a parking lot it was parked on a public street. I didn’t smell alcohol on anyone, and the officiant didn’t hesitate to conduct the wedding. And when I had to go to the party bus after the ceremony was over to get a couple of groomsmen to help move a piano back to where it belonged, they were polite enough and smart enough to not carry their beers onto church property.Still, I’m taking it up with my council – we have a LOT to discuss. I may just print this post for the council!
I’m with SusanP. It is mentioned in my wedding customary, and one the things I tell the bride and groom well beforehand: “No one who, in my judgment, appears to be Under the Influence of alcohol (or anything else for that matter– I live in Washington state) shall participate in the rehearsal or the ceremony– and that includes you.” I make it clear that this is an absolute zero-tolerance policy, and I’ve never had a problem. I mean, seriously– if they can’t wait until after the ceremony, then they have other issues to address.
We have become “famous” in our area for giving the premarital/wedding planning speech, which is “you are about to enter into both a covenant and a contract. If you are so impaired while entering into this contract, that you cannot do so legally, we will delay the wedding until you are able to do so. This means that we will delay getting to the reception, and you will lose your deposit, among other things”. some people look at me quizzically, some get it right away. This is done during the premarital counseling meetings, so that it happens well in advance of the rehearsal, when I give them another reminder. We live in wine country, so having alcohol as part of life is big here.
I say it at the planning meeting with the couple, and again at the rehearsal. “If you are not of full age, free to marry and of “sound mind”, I cannot marry you. You are both over 18, and have assured me that you are legally free to marry each other, so make sure I can’t smell alcohol on your breath at the wedding ceremony, otherwise its Game Over.”
I bumped into a couple at whose wedding I officiated some 8 years after the event, and they immediately referred to that prohibition…its funny what some people will remember.