A very dear person in my life who is always being told to stop scowling sent me this video. It’s very funny because it’s true: there are some people whose faces at rest simply appear to be sneering or moping. You might be one of those people who receives unappreciated, unsolicited comments like, “Give us a smile!” or “Don’t be so gloomy” whenever you don’t fix your features into an actual expression.
That’s not cool. A lot of that “Hey, cheer up” stuff is just social control; the same kind of boundary violation as approaching the gal who is stretching out before her run in the park to tell her that she’s doing it all wrong (I just heard of this happening to a friend of a friend). If you are a male or male-identified person with a naturally serious countenance, you are much less likely to be told to smile than are women with the same kind of face. The traditional world still wants and expects women and girls to be cheerful, cute and approachably smiley. That’s not okay. It is okay, however, if you’re a person in public leadership, to be aware of your natural expression and what it communicates to those who are looking at you. My mouth turns down naturally (and age ain’t doing anything to turn up the corners of my lips!), so I try to hold my expression in a more neutral way when I’m in public or at a meeting so people don’t think I’m having a negative experience. It’s not like I’m sitting there thinking, “Smile, Vicki, keep smiling.” I just try to remember to arrange the muscles of my face as I’m arranging myself into a comfortable sitting position. I don’t always remember. When I’m concentrating hard, I make all kinds of ridiculous expressions that I’m sure are occasionally misleading, like pursing my lips and furrowing my brow. I just hope that if someone thinks I’m reacting in a way that upsets or confuses them, they’ll ask me what I think.
Facial expressions are a huge aspect of non-verbal communication. Don’t be paranoid about yours, just be aware. And if someone tells you to “SMILE,” you can say something like, “My natural expression is kind of serious. But if you tell me a good joke I bet you can get me to crack a toothy grin.” Or maybe just, “My natural expression is kind of serious but here’s a good look at my teeth in case you wanted to see them.” Then smile a big toothy grin and wink.
http://samuel-warde.com/2013/07/do-you-suffer-from-bitchy-resting-face-video/
Oh, PB–thanks for this! I laughed, I cried, I made strange noises trying not to guffaw too loudly because I’m still in the office. This video is going in my bookmark file labeled “inspiration, provocation and delight.” I have BRF AND I’m an introvert, so dear friends (and my dear husband) have all sorts of stories about how they thought I hated them when we first met. I am pretty intentional about turning up the corners of my mouth and relaxing my forehead (I come from a long line of furrowed brow BRF-sufferers), especially in church on Sundays, but if you see me in the grocery store reading the ingredients on the back of the can, you will wonder what those baked beans did to make me hate them. [HA HA HA HA!! I so know that face since my eyesight has gone south, but I bet you’re even more scowly than me! Glad you appreciated this. – PB]
Oh, I am so there. I had a passport picture taken last year (where you are specifically told NOT to smile) and when I was given the chance to preview it before printing I thought, “Who is that grumpy old lady?” Now I do a little “mini-smile”, which gives me a more neutral expression and I make the conscious effort to do a real smile at the beginning of the worship service so I don’t scare the visitors by channeling Jonathan Edwards…