I do a lot of talking with ministers and seminarians and folks who work in religious community. God knows that ministers aren’t perfect, and in fact, we are entering a new era of authenticity in ministry, where religious leaders are coming right out and saying, “I have no interest in perpetuating that damaging, repressive pious-and-calm-at-all-moments persona that led so many of my elder colleagues into isolation, depression, ruined relationships and destructive acting-out in the parish.”
Some of us aren’t just authentic, we’re crummy human beings. That happens, too, and those ministers do a lot of damage to congregations.
But for the most part, folks who go into the ministry are good eggs. We work ridiculously hard and faithfully at invisible and intense tasks that the vast majority of our parishioners have no clue that we do: mostly because 95% of it is sensitive, private stuff. We swim in the deepest waters every day, carry a full schedule of activities ranging from administration to volunteer training to program leading to community organizing, and every Sunday morning we give a 15-20 minute talk that is supposed to be intellectually stimulating, spiritually moving, entertaining enough to keep folks engaged, and charismatically delivered with what looks like zero effort. Bla bla bla. I could go on, but I’m preaching to the choir!
Most church folk are good eggs, too, and they take seriously the obligations of living in covenanted community. They’re mature and caring and even when they don’t like their minister, they’re fair about how they express that, and they acknowledge the pastor’s humanity. Good eggs.
And then there are bullies. Bullying is big in the news right now and it’s a word we hardly ever use to describe people in our parishes because we’re pastors and our minds aren’t oriented that way. We’re trained by profession and by Jesus to be understanding, forbearing and compassionate. We would rather look for reasons to pity someone than to acknowledge that their behavior and their motives are destructive and toxic. Bullies in the church? Never!
But MAN, since I became PeaceBang I have heard some DOOZIES! Pigeons write to me with situations they’re enduring in their congregations that are so outrageously unfair and negative that I wind up scraping my eyebrows off the ceiling by the time I’m done hearing about them. But the good egg pastors are SO self-doubting, they’re SO eager to find fault with themselves in the relationship and to consider what they may be doing wrong that it never occurs to them that this behavior has nothing to do with their own sins and failings, but is just the acting out of a good old-fashioned bully.
Turning a blind eye to bullies in the parish is the opposite problem from those poisonous clergy gatherings we’ve all gone to where it’s a circle of bitter pastors sitting in a circle of folding chairs making the most condescending, negative remarks about lay people. This is the “I’m A Doormat For Jesus” program, and I have finally gotten to the point where instead of taking many hours delicately discerning what is going on with my colleague, I just say, “It sounds like that person is a big bully.” After awhile you can tell the difference between a legitimate conflict between mature, intelligent and caring human beings and the chronic misery of the classic bully.
Unless a bully in your ministry is truly destructive — and you know that when you see that — don’t sweat the bullies, darlings. I’m working with a few of you right now who are trying to manage bullies, and a huge part of it is your unwillingness to give up on anyone. You want to “stay in the conversation,” “try to reach him/her,” and “find a way to help him/her find his/her own ministry in the church.”
And the whole time, this person is irrationally attacking everything you do, say or write. As the great spiritual teacher Bette Midler once said in her act, “WHY BOTHAH?”
My mentor said the best thing to me fifteen years ago and it is one of my life mottos: “Minister to the health of the congregation.”
You can love people from afar, you can hold them in prayer (and you should) and you can always keep your heart in a place where, if your bully needs you for any reason, you will be happy to hop in the car and be there for them. That’s what pastoral love means. It means that the minute that any of your flock wind up in hospital or hungry or hurt, you are unequivocally THERE for them. But pastoral love does not mean trying to be liked, understood or accepted by someone who takes the greatest pleasure in life lobbing grenades at you and watching you cry when they explode. That’s what’s known as an abusive relationship, and neither the Church nor your ordination vows obligate you to be in an abusive relationship.
As the lady sang, “Walk on by.” Since when did Jesus ever stand around and take a bunch of crap from anyone? Where did we ever get that idea, and why? Minister to the health of the congregation and let God work on the heart of the ones who reject you. You ain’t God, and no one needs to love you with all their heart, all their mind, all their soul and all their strength, okay? Some people are going to just hate the smell of you, and that’s not your problem. Stay safe and whole and work around the ones who never liked you and ain’t never GONNA like you so that you can do honest ministry with those who are open to it, and who are making a faithful effort to walk the path together. Think about how painful it is to feel all that fury the bully feels and to be that nasty. No one likes a bully, and deep down they know it. Think about that, but don’t dwell on it. You’ve got more important work to do.
Remember this about those who are perpetually at war with you (or anyone else): They’re not having very much fun. You, on the other hand, are loving life and loving the living God, and that may be the very thing that enrages them so deeply. Lord, have mercy.
Matt 7:6, cupcakes. Kiss of peace on this Holy Week, PB
Amen, PeaceBang, Amen!!!
Excellent — I will remember – look to the health – support and nurture health.
amen. I realised during cpe that I really, really want to be liked…and maybe I could let go of some of that. In that way lies health-
Another “Amen!”
I suggest reading A Failure of Nerve by Edwin Friedman.
If a congregant bullies the pastor, they are probably also bullying other members of the congregation.
This is what I have been dealing with today. A friend posted the link on his FB page. what a gift this was to me this evening. Keep writing. Keep reminding us. Keep encouraging. Blessings.
Two hands raised…AMEN! Thank you for this.
Really liked this post. Thanks for calling out this issue!
This will help a lot of Pastors make it to retirement without giving up or giving out.Maybe a little less gray hair too.
I loved this post and have already shared it with my pastor husband. I’ll be quoting the line, “You ain’t God and no one needs to love you with all their heart . . . mind . . . soul . . . strength, okay?” at a gathering looking at Friedman’s book A Failure of Nerve (so I second that recommendation). As I told my husband, “This woman knows how to write!”
Boy, did I need to hear this today. Thank you so much.
Fantastic post, PB. As a newly-minted pastor in the late 70s/early 80s my husband worked for 2 senior pastors who were bullies. He felt that ordaining women to the ministry was a huge improvement in that they reduced the “standard” which gave senior ministers the right to belittle/bully their staffs. What’s interesting is both these guys, who were in ‘star’ positions, lost them under humiliating conditions. They didn’t have a clue about women as professionals and peers whereas my husband’s generation had gone thru college & divinity school with articulate, intelligent women. They changed the culture of church staffs.
Thank you for this post! I find that it is helpful to have language like “bully”. For me, it was a helpful learning that many bullies are addicted to their anger, just like a person can be addicted to alcohol and drugs, and anger addiction can hurt a life as much as any other addiction. [Yes. I remember when I first heard the term “rageaholic, and someone explained to me the addictive quality of the potent mix of hormones and endorphin that can be triggered by a bout of fury. It made a LOT of sense to me. -PB]
For those of us affected by the anger of the bully, it’s a two edged sword. On one hand, I can give myself credit for having done good work in the congregation I was in. On the other hand, sometimes I still feel guilty for having left. (I got tired of dealing with the bully and left for a full time position elsewhere, and sometimes still feel that there is more I should have done to loosen the bully’s grip.)
The language of bully and anger addiction should be a part of our lives as pastors. If we are dealing with a bully, it is so very helpful to have healthy peers around us, and perhaps a counselor. I always had healthy peers, and I was fortunate to find a counselor who specialized in clergy with difficult congregations. It saves your sanity!
Hugs and kisses to you, PB. You’re spot on. I need to print this and put it over my office phone.
Several years ago, members of our little prayer group put on a skit about “Mrs. Simpson,” who was in charge of the women’s group and took it upon herself to run things–including people–sometimes into the ground. Whenever something unbelievable happens, such as the day Mrs. S. told a late-arriving single dad and his 5 cute kids, “Church starts at 10:30!”we simply say, Mrs. Simpson was here today. It adds a bit of loving irony and leavening when congregants or others bully. Thank you for your post. [And honestly, can you think of a sadder fate than to be remembered in posterity in that way? For one’s negativity and nastiness? That, in my opinion, is true Hell. – PB]
Thank you! Very well stated and an excellent reminder. We can love people, even if from afar, without having to fix something we cannot fix. And, sometimes the loving thing to do is to walk on.
AMEN, sister!
This is the best article that I have read in a long time. It truely lifted my spirits immensely. It expressed what has been in my heart for quite a while. [I’m glad to hear that, Beverly, and glad that you wrote. Blessings and a kiss of peace.- PB]
nice article….more thoughts:: sometimes the bullies stick around, and damage the health of the congregation, and the minister spends so much time and energy on ‘not giving up on them’ that they do not see the good congregants walking away,tired of it all. Or the bully donates lots of $$, or has been given a position of lay leadership that makes them ‘seem’ indispensable (which no one is!), and so leadership ‘tolerates’ the continued bad behavior. We need to learn to stop bulling behavior – nothing is worth allowing it to continue. A minister once told me that people bring their worst behavior to churches, because they think they can get away with it there. That’s sad – and wrong.
Thanks for this! I know a couple of colleagues who have been through hell. Several years ago, I did a transformational leadership course, in which one of the leaders talked about how to differentiate between “our” issues and “their” issues – and when they aren’t our issues don’t take them on as ours – hand them right back. it was one of the most valuable pieces of advice I’ve ever had, and it’s been more than useful…. [Good stuff. It’s also important to know that some people don’t know what love or respect actually feel like, as they’ve always just been indulged by people who don’t want to deal with them and try to simply placate or pander to them. Not getting drawn into their dysfunction and losing yourself is a way to show love, in my opinion. Love for self, first. As in, “put the oxygen mask over own face before you try to help anyone else.”- PB]
Thank you peacebang.
This is something that I needed to read today. [You’re welcome, Matthew. Blessings on you and your community. – PB]