Posted on by PeaceBang

On Turning 45

I’ll be forty-five years old tomorrow.
What an interesting age!
Five whole years until I hit the milestone of fifty, but far enough away from the agonies and ecstasies of youth to remember them with wry fondness.

Aging is definitely a factor now. Oh, yes. I’m a fairly healthy lady – never had any major hospitalizations or surgeries or life-threatening diseases — but now it’s the cumulative lifestyle stuff that has crept up on me.
I’m at that age where the doctor leaves me with assignments every time I visit.
You know what I mean.

I carry +1.0 readers with me everywhere I go now. Can’t read the damned labels in the store without ’em. Or menus in restaurants.
I get creaky.
If I don’t do these funny floor exercises every day, my hip aches.
I have completely given up on my upper arms.

My goal isn’t to live to be 100. I don’t think I could afford it, quite frankly, and I’ve seen extreme old age. No, thanks. Especially not without kids to shuttle me around to doctor’s appointments. So I figure if I’m lucky and be a fairly good girl, I might have another good 30-40 years. But of course you don’t know. So literally every day that I’m at sleep at night in my own bed, free from pain and life-threatening disease, I am grateful. Just today I was at the grocery store wheeling my little cart around and I thought how lucky I am. To be able-bodied, up and ambulatory on a sunny winter day — it’s good stuff. I was at Whole Foods, you know, with all that ridiculous resplendence and tulips in January and a cup of amazing French Roast, well, honestly, I was grinning like an idiot.

Of course I manage to be neurotic in my gratitude. I obsess some nights about people who are suffering, the terrifying sadism at the root of so much evil, intensely grateful that I have a queen sized bed to myself, no one screaming and fighting in the next room/s, no drugs or drunks banging around the place, a washer and dryer in my downstairs bathroom, a sweet sleeping dog and cat beside me, and an interesting and full day to look forward to in the morning. I compare myself to the average Earth-dweller and I can’t believe my good fortune. I think of my maternal great-grandfather waking before dawn to go to his job as a coal miner, spending his days underground breathing poison. I think of my paternal great-grandfather and mother living in the tenements of the lower East Side after arriving in the United States. I bet there were rats. Hunger. Serious survival issues. Bone-breaking hard work.

And my big stress is editing my dissertation? Or presiding over a few funerals over a few weeks?

I adore the freedom of 45. Freedom from so many emotional concerns that once plagued me: will they ever understand me? Can I trust him/her? Does he like me? Should I have said that? Why can’t I be like those other girls? Is it okay for me to want to spend all this time doing this? Am I too that? Am I weird for liking this?

At this age, I trust that I know what I know. My 45 year old self knows: You can’t truly trust that many people. You’ll be betrayed and survive. Very few people will really understand you; they’re too busy trying to understand themselves. Let it go. No one’s looking at you, they’re too focused on themselves — as they should be. If he likes you, he’ll show it. If you shouldn’t have said that, go apologize. If you don’t regret saying it, stand up for yourself. Every second spent wondering if you’re okay because you’re not like other girls is a wasted second.

Once you realize how pointless it is to seek approval, you stop doing it. I am more grateful than I can say for freedom from approval-seeking. I listen to my soul, I pray for guidance, and I do what I discern is God’s desire for my life and I rely on the community of accountability and objective perspectives to give me feedback about whether I’m on track. That’s different from approval-seeking. Approval-seeking begins with the need to earn love by achieving something. Living into God’s desire for you life begins with the assumption that if you use your gifts and talents to the best of your ability, you’re an okay kid. Quit worrying and get to work doing what you can do before your life story turns its last page.

A few more things I’ve learned as I ease into middle age:

If you have to ask, “Is this look too youthful for me?” — it is.
If you’re lucky enough to have a true Love Of Your Life, don’t assume that means you’ll marry him/her. Or that you should.

You can love children in an especially pure and very deep way if you don’t have any of your own. Keep this knowledge to yourself, as no one wants to hear it. But children know it. It’s your sweet little secret and you can giggle together about it.

When people tell you you’re too (fill in the blank), what they are really saying is that they resent you for being yourself. Ignore them. Move on. You’re too old for a personality transplant. Not everyone has to like you. Hang out with those who do and get along as best you can with those who don’t.

You may look good in red, but you don’t look good in every shade of red. Choose wisely. It’s a tough color to carry off.

Don’t ask someone to throw you a party or buy you a gift if you’re just going to criticize it. Get yourself what you want. I will never understand this dropping-a-hint thing that women do to try to wrangle what they want out of a man, or whoever. Never expect anyone to read your mind. Provide for yourself. Everything else is icing on the cake.

There’s a big difference between someone who has bad manners because his or her parents just didn’t raise him/her right and someone who should know better and chooses to be a boor. Forgive the former, avoid the latter.

The more someone evidently worships you, the more they are likely to betray you, emotionally or physically abuse you or psychically slime you. The reason for that is that they weren’t worshiping you in the first place, but a projection. Keep your distance.

You can throw away cheap milk chocolate. No one’s looking, and you don’t want it in the house when you get a craving. Because what’s worse than bad chocolate when you’re really craving chocolate?

Women who have been financially supported by men all their lives have to work pretty hard to understand women who are financially responsible for themselves.

A good flirtation is much more fun than a dull fling that can’t end fast enough.

Don’t over-edit. Get it out there. That includes the essential you.

Don’t ever expect to be thanked, but do speak up if you feel chronically unappreciated or exploited.

If you can’t argue productively just keep your mouth shut and plan an escape route.

Just because someone has college degrees does not mean that they’re educated.

There are people who want to learn, and there are people who want to remain comfortably undisturbed. The intellectually lazy are fun to invite to dinner parties but should not to be relied on for more sustained relationships. Keep your expectations accordingly low for those folks or prepare to be disappointed.

If you’re not angry, you’re not paying attention. That said, it is entirely possible to be angry at injustice and rampant stupidity while remaining quite happy with life in general.

Try to have a dog and a cat.

Have an art form. Devote yourself to it.

Jealousy is something we all should have completely outgrown in our 20’s. Seriously.

If you don’t know how to sew a button on, shine your own shoes, or fix a broken chair by 45, you’re going to have to pay someone to do it for you. Don’t be ashamed, just put it in your household budget. Think of this way: someone else needs that work.

Resist pathologies: maybe you do have allergies, or maybe your eyes just itch when you clean the house. Maybe you do have seasonal asthma, or maybe you just wheeze when ragweed’s in bloom. How much more power do we give things when they have serious-sounding names?

If you want to be a good cook, get in the kitchen and cook.
However : If you don’t love food, you will never become a good cook.

These are words I think we throw around too easily: hero; addicted; tragedy; love; literally; constantly; starving.

Remember: Jesus was bitchy on occasion, too.

If you have the profound good fortune to work among people you admire and respect, you are almost guaranteed to be psyched about your life.

Decorate your study with photographs of flowers taken during your travels (even if your travels are back and forth to work). They will never fail to delight you.

Of course there’s more, but part of getting older is knowing when to stop.
Interesting how much this list has in common with the list I published when I turned 42! Thanks for being part of my life, pigeons!


Little baby PeaceBang. Carl and Shirley’s second daughter.

Something about the expression really hasn’t changed.

39 Replies to “On Turning 45”

  1. Happy Birthday, PeaceBang!

    There is no treasure better than knowing that you have paid your dues and you don’t hagve to apologize for being who and what you are. Doesn’t mean you don’t try to be/get better, just that you accept where God’s grace finds you right now.

  2. Love this, love this, love this… thank you for your honesty and reflection…

    I hope your birthday is the beginning of a wonder-filled year 🙂

  3. Happy Birthday!

    This is a wonderful piece. I’m 36 and a brand-new priest struggling with my own insecurities. I really needed to read this today.

    A very blessed year to you!

  5. Who knew I was your elder? I turned 45 in November, darling. I love this. I wish I’d taken time to write something like it.

  6. Well, I’m rounding out my 54th year and doing much the same reflecting. Somehow 55 sounds so much …. Different… than 54. Here’s what I’ve found… you don’t have to be the best. There will always be someone better at whatever than you. But you can enjoy many things. The time to be happy is NOW. I’m not getting any younger, nor do I have any guarantee that I’ll have a tomorrow. It doesn’t matter that my mother sounds too much like her mother or that my daughter is too busy with her life (she does have 3 young boys after all!) to answer -or even return – my calls as often as I’d like.

    I want to live my life in joy and I’m not going to put it off. I’m going to be silly and not worry what others think.

    My back hurts, I can’t run as far as I used to… And, oh horrors! I have a belly!
    The good news is… I have reached an age where people take me seriously. I continue to be excited by what life holds around the corner. I’m younger than I will be tomorrow. Older than I was yesterday. And it’s OK, that I’ll never be what I want to be ‘when I grow up’. I AM grown up, and I like who I am.

  8. What sage advice! Makes me feel a lot better about turning 43 tomorrow. The part about “30-40 good years left” made me gasp, though you’re probably right. Eek!

  10. Many happy returns of your Birthday, dear one!

    And thank you for your reflections…I am facing being 52 soon (how did that happen?) and your reflections are a real help.

  11. Happy birthday!

    You can love children in an especially pure and very deep way if you don’t have any of your own.

    I´m glad you didn´t keep this to yourself. I think it can take a very long time to get there, especially for people who so wanted to be parents that their experience of children is tainted by grief. I hope someone who is in that place is reassured by your discovery that there is joy in children on the other side.

  12. I also wanted to respond to this:

    “You can love children in an especially pure and very deep way if you don’t have any of your own.”

    As a mum, I can truly say I treasure the childless friends who have chosen to get close to my kids. They bring a different perspective on life, that I’m incapable of. Blessings to you all.

  14. Happy Birthday, PB! I hope you have a wonderful celebration and another great year! I’m about 10 years ahead of you.
    With my own kids, I found that I liked every age and stage just a little bit better than the one that came before. Like a flower, unfolding – the bud is beautiful, and each stage of blooming has its own glory. So far, I feel the same way about my own life.
    There is an artist who has done a series of photographs of blossoms “past their prime” and those are beautiful, too. I’m not there yet, but I hope to be like that.

  16. Being 70 isn’t all bad. Yes, there are the aches and pains and memory problems and a few pills to take. But. It’s ok to wear whatever shade of red I like. It’s ok to wear whatever is comfortable within reason. Who cares what someone else thinks? It gets better as long as you allow it to.

  17. Happy birthday, PB. You bring a lot to the table and I am delighted I got invited to share. I’ll be 67 in a month. I just have no idea how that happened! I love your list. I would only add one: it is never too late to start something that you might love.

  19. Happy birthday! I love the list you’ve written and I’m going to print it and hang it on the mirror in my bedroom.
    (And perhaps make a cross stitch sampler that reads “Remember, Jesus was bitchy on occassion, too.”)

  21. I am about to turn 50. I got my thrill for the morning from reading your insight and personal views here. Thank you so much. I will be sharing this for sure.

  22. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! Your list is inspiring and wonderful, and as a young woman, I thank you for the introspection.

    You are also two days- and FIFTY YEARS- younger than my paternal grandmother. We are celebrating her 95th birthday this weekend. She is an inspiration. This past summer she had a massive heart attack– and was dancing at my wedding reception six weeks later. She is vibrant and alert, and looking forward to her birthday. She’s getting more frail, but she’s mentally still with us, and it is an honor and a joy to have her still.

    My maternal grandmother died when I was younger, but she withered away with senility and dementia; it was incredibly hard on my mother. To see the difference between my grandmothers is so fascinating. It gives me motivation to keep healthy and sharp.

    Happy Birthday, PeaceBang, and to many more healthy and happy years!

  23. Happy Birthday and thank-you so much. I turn 42 in a couple of weeks and your reflection is the greatest gift I could imagine. Thanks be for you.

  24. Glad you didn’t keep this a secret: “You can love children in an especially pure and very deep way if you don’t have any of your own.”

    As one who is going to be a parent for the first time later this year, I found this especially touching. I’ve been grateful for the special times I’ve had with children when I wasn’t their parent, and I will be grateful for those adults who, like you, laugh and giggle with – and love – my children in just this special way.

    Happy birthday!!

  25. Beautiful and comforting, dear. Happy Birthday. At age 49.92 today, I am thinking about this, appreciating the sunshine and the creaks and aches and good food and tennis elbow, even though I don’t play tennis. Thanks for provoking thought and joy.

  26. Happy Birthday!!!
    45 is very liberating. 50 even more! You look great by the way. My favorite of this post: flirtation vs fling. Yes, so true!

    XXXX have a lovely day!!!

  27. Belated Happy Birthday, and many more!! thank you for your wisdom, humor, rants, style and good sense.
    Shalom!

  28. Happy Birthday to our beloved PeaceBang!

    May you love the next 45 years as much as you have loved these 45 years. May we continue to read, laugh and cry through the words you offer us.

    You rock, as well as creak 🙂

    Thank you for sharing you with the rest of the world. We need truth-tellers are you are certainly one of those for us.

    Shalom!

  29. Just to add to the chorus – Happy Birthday!!!! Said in the same manner as Frosty the Snowman upon waking up. I’m so glad you’re in the world.

  30. Happy birthday. My insight this last is to do what I want now, not someday. Travel, school, sleep, whatever.

    And, I’m a daughter of Carl and Shirley too!

  31. Hi, was forwarded your blog by Lisa who is a friend of Andrea’s who reads your blog …. it reminded me of one of my favourite poems from the 70’s. I’m thinking the author must have been around the same age. Thought I’d share.
    ………………………………..
    Comes The Dawn

    After a while you learn the subtle difference
    Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,

    And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning
    And company doesn’t mean security,

    And you begin to understand that kisses aren’t contracts
    And presents aren’t promises.

    And you begin to accept your defeats
    With your head held high and your eyes open,
    With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.

    You learn to build your roads
    On today because tomorrow’s ground
    Is too uncertain for plans, and futures have
    A way of falling down in midflight.

    After a while you learn that even sunshine
    Burns if you get too much.
    So you plant your own garden and decorate
    Your own soul, instead of waiting
    For someone to bring you flowers.

    And you learn that you can really endure,
    That you really are strong
    And you really do have worth

    And you learn and learn … and you learn

    With every goodbye you learn.

    Sue

  33. I’ll echo Louise’s thanks, wish you the happiest of birthdays, and tell you that I gratefully shared your post on my facebook page. Thanks for the wisdom and your bright and witty way of sharing it.

  35. PB, you said, “I will never understand this dropping-a-hint thing that women do to try to wrangle what they want out of a man, or whoever. Never expect anyone to read your mind.”

    I can tell you that I do this sometimes, even though I know I shouldn’t. I come from a very patriarchal family in which women are always “doing” for the men, and they spend so much time cleaning up after men’s physical and emotional messes that they give no thought to themselves. I was never taught how to ask for what I want.

    After leaving home and going to seminary, I know that I need to ask if I want my needs to be met, and it’s unfair to expect my spouse to magically know how to do that. Still, I never learned how to ask in a way that it kind, graceful, not demanding, yet still firm enough to communicate my need clearly. Sometimes I forget to ask because I forget that I can ask. I am still becoming my independent, assertive self… I’m not there yet.

    P.S. Happy birthday! :o)

  36. So many of your wisdoms have struck home. Thank you for sharing and I look forward to your perspective at 50!

  37. “Women who have been financially supported by men all their lives have to work pretty hard to understand women who are financially responsible for themselves.”

    Yup, agreed and thanks for expressing that.

  38. Happy Belated Birthday! I was inspired by your post to create a list of 43 intentions for my 43rd year (I turned 42 yesterday) and I wanted to let you know that I love your writing and am uplifted and encouraged by your perspective. Blessings to you.

  39. Just discovered you and am really enjoying your blog. Birthday blessings and enjoy your 40’s – having just had my 50th, I can say that I learned how to be my best self in my 40’s and how to gently but firmly tell the rest of the world that if they didn’t like me, that was just fine – but please get out of my face!

Comments are closed.