How many times have I visited the home of the sick or dying and washed up a load of dishes in the sink?
Plenty.
How many times have I fed someone in the hospital, wiped their nose, thrown away used tissues, applied lip balm to their cracked lips, swabbed their mouth with a little sponge?
Many.
You do what needs to be done. At least I do. I don’t think of it as “not my job” to wash dishes or take out the garbage or stir up a new pitcher of orange juice from concentrate. Nor do I think of it as something I should avoid because those chores are traditionally women’s work, and as a woman religious leader, I should not stoop to fulfill those sexist expectations.
First of all, no one has ever expected me to help them in those domestic ways. It just so happens that I find dirty dishes in the sink to be depressing and unsanitary, and I would want someone to do mine if I was sick or weak. Do unto others and all that.
Second, I don’t like it when male clergy get a bad rap as being “unwilling” to do that kind of stuff. For a certain generation, it’s probably just how they were raised, and washing dishes or brushing someone’s hair would be extremely awkward for them, nor would it occur to them that those things might comfort. Let’s give the old guys a break, eh? Not every female pastor is good at nurturing, and not every man is detached and cerebral. I bet there are plenty of Rev. Dudes out there who do all kinds of housework and nursing-type ministry when they have the chance.
In other words, women, while we lift up the power of the feminine and strive for equality and respect in the Church and other worthy and just goals, I encourage all of us to serve as we feel so called, even if that includes (gasp!) such traditionally female roles as cooking, cleaning, baking, mending, and tidying. Don’t do what doesn’t feel natural, but then again, don’t avoid something because it seems “un-feminist” to do it.
“Oh my gosh, [my male pastor] would never have done that,” she said. “Yea, but I bet he would have jumped your car or shoveled your driveway if you needed it, and I wouldn’t do that,” I replied.
Sometimes what people really need during your pastoral call isn’t prayer or conversation as much as it is for you to give them a little manicure or get some fresh air into the house. Be flexible. Ministry is much more fun that way, I promise.
I have played the piano, too!
Yes, helping people be comfortable, clean, and make the immediate environment as pleasant as possible — this is important ministry. I have changed a bed, cleaned up a bathroom, taken out trash, watered plants. Thanks for this post.
I served as a Stephen Minister several years ago. “Helping” was frowned upon. More than once I did it anyway and felt wonderful.
Thank you for this wonderful reminder that ministering to others may occasionally call us to take care of practical things. I’m one of those “Dudes” (not quite a Reverend yet- late September) who’s glad to lend a hand around the house with dishes or dusting. (And arranging flowers and picking paint colors too!) And I’ll shovel snow and jump the car too! As a teacher in seminary once said, “This too is ministry- caring for the body as well as the soul when it’s what is most needed”.
Not much point in taking care of the soul and leaving its house unlivable, is there?
Those ordinary chores are human’s work; your chromosome arrangement is irrelevant. Tend to these things, and you are hands and feet for the Divine.
Yes, I was a Stephen Minister too–and most of what I did was visit a very lovely elderly frail lady and play Scrabble with her.
I’m not ordained, but if I’m visiting someone who isn’t well (physically or otherwise down), and they need something I can easily give, I’ll do it.
Make a cup of tea, throw a load of clothes into the washer? Sure, I’m happy. I’ll even make the tea, throw the clothes in the washer, and drink the tea with you until the clothes can go in the dryer.
I’ll bring a bag of groceries over, too, and make a meal in your kitchen, and eat it with you. That way, you’ve been fed and you’ve not been left alone.
Of course, only if you want these things. If you’d rather be alone, I’ll just bring a casserole and put it in your fridge.
But here’s a twist–what if someone else sort of unilaterally makes the decision that what you ARE doing (your actual job) is not ‘women’s work’, and because you are not doing ‘women’s work’ by her definition (and she is), you are not ‘pulling your weight’?
My admin has declared war of this very sort on me. I’ve never pulled rank on her, never reminded her that I am PROGRAMME staff, and the admin exists to support programme, not the other way around. I’ve never felt a need to do so–until this week.
(I’m the only programme-staff level woman in our department, too.)
I’m a car-shoveling female minister. I had classic Little Old Sweet Dears at my last parish, and sweeping their cars and shoveling their tires was something I could do. I’ve been known to bring fresh bread to a family, pick up groceries to save a delivery trip, or bring some books from the library for a kiddo. But the basic unifying factor: (with the exception of car shoveling) I know these people well enough to know that the gesture would be wanted.
I don’t think I’m a hair-brushing manicure type, but that’s just outside my culture.
Oh Peace bang, this is why I read your blog.
Thanks for the reminder that quietly doing what needs to be done is ministry too. That thought used to cheer me up before I became an ordained ministry. At that time I sometimes felt grumpy about being Martha. Nowadays my health is problematic and I am starting to face the fact that I am more on the receiving end than anything else. By the way, wearing a red jacket over black dogshirt helps lift the spirits a lot! F
First, thank you Peacebang! I agree entirely. I get the best kind of delight in making up baby quilts for each child baptized in our church. Totally Martha Stewart/Crazy Girlie/Craftie McCrafterton stuff but I love liturgy & JoAnne Fabrics so there you have it!
Wendy from England raises an interesting point when it comes to these sorts of male/female expectations on CHURCH STAFF. Especially as a younger woman with older women on staff, I often feel mothered (in good and bad ways) and feel different expectations than are placed upon my male colleague (again, in good and bad ways.) I’m “one of the girls” and then I’m also the one who says, “Hey, can you fax this for me?”
I agree with most of what you are saying if its just limited to extra helpful gestures and we are a hundred percent sure the female clergy aren’t being judged for not doing “women’s work”. It is probably true that no one would expect clergy of either gender to do dishes on a visit – but what about helping with dishes after a church event? It doesn’t even mean that might not be a valuable form of ministry – just that its unlikely to be a gender neutral one. (And perhaps even less so when we go from clergy to lay people).
I also worry about saying oh give them a break they are too old to know better – not so much because it might not be true of some – but because at some point that can’t continue to be an excuse if things are to change. What generation of men does that excuse no longer apply to?
I don’t think there’s any generation of men it will no longer apply to, because really it’s all in how you are raised. “Traditional” family roles and the resulting expectations are still alive and well, although fewer people subscribe to them. But that being said – why all the angst? Who cares if a gesture is “gender neutral” or not? As PeaceBang said in this post, if you’re comfortable doing something, do it, and if not, then don’t. Worrying about whether you are or are not fulfilling someone else’s gender expectations just seems like a waste of time to me.
Check out this article. http://mcdowellpres.org/Parishcope.htm(The pastor’s letter) This IS gender specific – but definitely ministry.
Sorry, that link should be: http://mcdowellpres.org/Parishcope.htm [My goodness! That is definitely an intimate ministry! I have certain friends that I have made promise they would pluck my chin hairs on my deathbed, so I totally understand! That’s a rather weird church newsletter, though, with some strange editorializing on taxes. Color me baffled. – PB]
Well said, PB!
This past winter I took a shovel with me from the church and shoveled my own path to visit an elderly homebound parishioner- just making the rough places smooth.