This absolutely not-made up letter came to me late this summer and I promised to run it last September. I can’t IMAGINE how I forgot it! So charmant, after all:
My Director of Christian Education is a lovely woman in her 60s, who serves the congregation half-time. She’s always polished and professional, in a grandmotherly way … which is why my jaw dropped a few months ago when she began to cut her fingernails (!) during a committee meeting (!!!!). She had her purse open to catch the trimmings, but we were in one of the classrooms where our kindergarten class meets on Sundays.
Aside from the hazard that a fingernail clipping presents to our little ones (ew), I personally consider public trimming of fingernails on a par with vigorous nose-picking.
Is it just me, or is this kind of thing verboten for church staff at meetings? As “chief of staff,” was I obligated to take her aside privately after the meeting? If it happens again, I would like to have a Dr. Phil kind of script to follow.
Let PeaceBang take a deep, cleansing breath, because she almost made it through this letter without shuddering — after all, so many of you have written in to report nail clipping during services and meetings before — but then she read “she had her purse open to catch the trimmings.”
Please fetch the smelling salts.
SHE HAD HER PURSE OPEN TO CATCH THE TRIMMINGS. *room spins*
Before I go make a seltzer with bitters and lime (great for the tummy), let me try to offer advice to our dear writer that is simple, easy and clear.
1. Clipping nails in public is most certainly and without question absolutely and thoroughly disgusting, even if one does use one’s own purse as a receptacle. *shudder*
2. As the staff supervisor, you should definitely address this. Why? Because (a) others may be counting on you to do so and (b) however unintended, this is inappropriate behavior for church meetings. A script to address it might go like this:
“Marge, we’re just about finished with our meeting today. Thanks for coming in . I’m really excited about what you’re doing with the kids this year, and I have the date for the teacher’s meeting on my calendar. I’ll send you my outline by e-mail to make sure it includes everything we hit on today. Is there anything else you wanted to discuss? Because I do have one small thing before you go.”
(Finish anything with Marge that she brings up)
“Okay, great. Well, the small thing I mentioned is hard to bring up, because it’s so personal, but I just wanted to ask you if you were even aware that you trimmed your fingernails during our August meeting — sometimes personal hygiene things are so unconscious, I wasn’t sure if you remembered.”
(Here you allow Marge to remember that she did).
“I don’t know if others found it distracting, but I know I did, and I wanted to let you know.”
Since Marge is so clearly a lovely human being, that’s all she needs to hear. In fact, when it comes to things of this nature, people are generally extremely sensitive and easily embarrassed. The less said, the better. If ya’ll have staff folk who are prone to argue with you, or would rebel against this sort of gentle correction, let me know. We can work up another script that might work in that more difficult case.
There’s no need to pull someone aside immediately after a meeting for this sort of minor indiscretion. The only valid reasons to pull someone aside immediately after a meeting is if they actively undermined the meeting and seem extremely angry or unresolved and need pastoral attention right away, or if they were under the influence of something, or in some other visible distress. And do pull them aside right away rather than waiting, no matter how nervous it makes you. “Are you okay? You seem very out-of-sorts/agitated/unlike yourself tonight — was it the meeting, or is something else going on?”
I would recommend that this conversation happen in your study with two of you seated in chairs and looking at each other, not in the parking lot and not over the phone. If it turns out that something very serious is wrong, you need not resolve it all in chambers at that immediate moment, but at least you can assess needs and set an appointment to talk the next day.
During cold and flu season, it isn’t at all a bad idea to keep tissues and hand sanitizer in the conference or meeting space. If you see someone sneezing into their hands and think that hand might soon be clasping another in fellowship or in order to pass a paper or other material, it is not out of line for you to hand the sneezer a tissue and hand wipe and say, “These are never around when you need one, so this year I decided to stock up!” Smile, and go on with your business. After all, you’ve passed along a virulent germ or two yourself in your time.
PeaceBang will now attempt to go to sleep without visions of clipped fingernails dancing in her head.
This is brilliant! And should be used as a template for many other conversations. If an otherwise reasonable person does something embarrassing, there is no need to dwell on the embarrassment. It needs to be named, but need not be explicated at length, for the sake of all involved!
Aghhh! I have a very disturbing story – which comes from the lovely librarian at my faculty, concerning one of my fellow div postgrads. This particular student in question was caught in the library, sitting at her desk, cutting her toenails – yes, her TOENAILS – with a pair of scissors. Whilst this is disturbing in its own right, what is even more concerning is that the librarian found out about it because a studious minister came to complain – not about the toenail cutting – but because the student was using a pair of scissors, which are banned in the library. She then complained that he was in fact trying to look at her panties. The librarian has since decided that theologians are too strange to work with, and wishes there was a PhD board for personal hygiene. [Okay, but is “concerning” a real word? I’m seeing it all over the place these days!- PB]
‘Concerning’ is a real word. It has been misused as it means ‘with respect to.’ In this context, a better choice would be ‘appalling,’ I think. [Right. “Please find information concerning your itinerary enclosed” but not “I find it concerning that you wore white pumps with that black suit.” – PB]
From dictionary.com:
“conâ‹…cernâ‹…ing
  /kənˈsɜrnɪŋ/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [kuhn-sur-ning]
–preposition
relating to; regarding; about: a discussion concerning foreign aid.
”
I believe RR used the word “concerning” correctly, here, “Aghhh! I have a very disturbing story – which comes from the lovely librarian at my faculty, concerning one of my fellow div postgrads. This particular student in question was caught in the library…”
A librarian told RR a story *about* one of RR’s fellow postgraduate students. A fellow postgraduate student who was cutting her toenails in public.
Oh, sorry! English is my second language – I moved here to London from Norway 6 years ago! I am always trying to pick up as much as I can from other people, TV and newspapers to make sure I don’t just sound like I have learnt from a book, but it does also mean that I adopt their mistakes too!
The problem with languages is that the pesky things just keep evolving. All but the dead ones, that is. “Concerning” meaning “with regard to” may have been the original definition, but “concerning” meaning “disturbing, troubling, worrisome” is widely used, understood, and accepted. Eventually the dictionaries catch up, and then boom, the meaning is legit and the language has evolved. That’s been happening (and has been annoying to some percentage of the population) for as long as English has existed. But we should be happy about that, because its ability to embrace change is what has made English able to survive as long as it has! So RR, you didn’t make a mistake, as far as I’m concerned.[/history of English soapbox]
🙂
Right. And *context* is so important. I had no problem understanding what RR meant.
hahaha, in Germany, as a matter of fact in Berlin/Germany we have a saying, which is taught to children: “wenn du gloobst du bist alleene, mach dir deine Nägel reene”. It meens: “if you are sure to be all by yourself, then clean your nails!”
This must have happend a lot of times before I was born, because I never met someone cleaning or trimming nails (finger or toe) in public.
I sat across from someone on the train the other day who was trimming her fingernails. I don’t so much mind a quick swipe of a file (especially since I do it occasionally if there’s a danger I might snag something on a nail that’s gotten roughed up). But the fingernail clippings were left on the floor and the table in the train.
At least the woman in the original question had the grace to catch it all in her handbag!
As a former English teacher, I do love the evolution of language and am fascinated by that moment (which I believe we are capturing right now)when a word makes it from one useage and into another by the process Wintry Mix describes. It looks like “concerning” is now a fair way to say “of concern.” Chaidrinkingfool, I was referring to the second time RR used the term, ie, “What is even more concerning.” ANYWAY, love the discussion and it’s a GROSS ANECDOTE! No clipping nails in public, anywhere, ever!! RR, I have always wanted to visit Norway.
Knut Hamsun is one of my favorite authors…
Crud! I missed that one. Yes, it is gross.
PeaceBang, I know my colleagues are grateful for your work on this blog, though they have no idea that you deserve the credit 🙂
PS: Yeah, this story is beyond hideous. Catching them in the bag??? WOW.
I’ve been told by a friend that he saw a well known theologian clipping his toe nails and then (cringe) chewing on them while attending a div school lecture. My friend swears that this is true. I’m choosing not to name the perpetrator of this atrocity just in case it should be considered libelous.
Oooo man what a good topic, we have a man at our church who regularly clips his nails during the service. We have a pretty small congregation and so you can hear it clearly all through the sanctuary, it reduces me to slight fits of giggling, but i have no clue if someone can talk to him or not cause I know it skeezes some people out lol.