Pastor’s First Date

HOLA, my pigeons! Happy Sermon-Writing Day, or as we like to call it around Casa de PeaceBang, “Cooking, Cleaning, Shopping on E-Bay, Going To the Gym, And Otherwise Procrastinating From Writing Our Sermon Day!”
So, in that spirit and after actually having spent a good 1.5 hours on my Sunday prep (plus starting a delicious stuffed eggplant dish), here — at LONG LAST (because Rev. Gidget has been waiting so patiently) is my response to the 30-year old pastor who has a dinner date and wanted some advice on what to wear.

First, the actual letter that I done writ to her:

You’re so cute! YAY for your date!!
Well, do you have really cute jeans that you feel great in? I always start with the jeans. I like to wear jeans and boots and something like a babydoll top — something that’s funky and a bit sexy that expresses me.

If the first date is something dressy like the theatre, I dress up but not too much, as I am never sure if the Dude will wear a jacket and tie, or a jacket, or just a button-down and jeans. So I wear dark jeans and boots and something sparkly and really pretty on top, like a black sweater I have that has velvet and beaded buttons and trim –with huge, blingy earrings.

For dinner, I like to rock out some fabulous shoes because I know we’re not going to be walking around much, but I like to make an impression when walking in. So again, I wear dark, long jeans and maybe a great high-heeled boot and something comfortable but a little sexy on top, like maybe a cardigan with a low-cut cami underneath [I meant, a hint of cleavage, not a Festival of Inappropriate or Crass Sharing – PB]. I do extra eye liner and lots of lip gloss, because that’s just me. I’m really comfortable with date clothes because I feel like it’s just a chance to dress the way I like and not the way a pastor should. [It’s like this: clothing is a personal art form. You’re not painting a picture for the church when you’re on a date. – PB]

It’s the only chance you get to make a first impression, so I think it’s important to choose something that you feel really confident in. If you’re a sporty girl, I would still make an effort to find something that makes you feel sexy and special. Even if it’s just a spritz of perfume, make sure you’ve got something on that makes you feel HOT!

Let me know how it goes!!! woo-hoo! Do you like him?

Let’s discuss further. A story:

Last night, PeaceBang went to the opening of the new pub in her tiny town. She wore a grey babydoll cut sweater, a fringey scarf from Paris, skinny-leg jeans, and huge Harley boots (they have a 3″ heel and are seriously Motorcycle Mama. I got them for $30 at an antique store on Route 66 in Amarillo, Texas). Lots of folks I knew were at the pub, and I got introduced around as “Reverend Vicki.” I serve a very theologically liberal, creative congregation full of progressive-minded folks, and my unorthodox appearance (for clergy) isn’t shocking in this setting. No one expects me to dress demurely. I never have. I never will. If my congregation had wanted to call a demure, buttoned-up type pastor they wouldn’t have called me.

This is my eighth year in my parish. I’ve lived through a lot with the community. I’ve presided over funerals for town leaders as well as for my own congregants. I have been a good neighbor and friendly presence to all the local characters (you know who I mean: the insurance guy, the funeral director, the fire chief, the post office clerks, the gals at the bank, etc.). By now, I’m one of the local characters. So whatever impression people have of me is already well-formed, and I intentionally set out, when I arrived, to NOT create a public persona that would take a lot of effort to maintain. As in, “What you see is what you get.” I knew when I moved to my little town that I needed to be one integrated person in public and “off-duty,” so that I would not feel humiliated or exposed if someone caught me in the act of being myself. When you live in a parsonage right on Main Street around the corner from your church in a town of 10,000, it’s not a good idea to try for a remote, super-professional image– it’s just impossible to maintain! If someone drives in the driveway and sees me walking my dog in the backyard in rainboots and pajamas, they won’t plotz. If I run over to church to pick something up in the summer with my hair wet from swimming and in a pair of shorts and flip flops and run into someone, well, we’ll all survive the encounter. I apologize for my appearance and get to the business at hand.

This isn’t to say that I don’t take my own advice about clergy image seriously. I do. I have a natural aversion to frump but I have an almost equally strong aversion to prissy, buttoned-up clergy whose appearance in a town or any social setting is an immediate downer. There’s a way to wear a collar, and a way not to. It’s all about the attitude of the wearer. I knew one female pastor whose super-uptight outfits and collar and solemn demeanor were so aggressively prissy that she may just as well have been wearing a nametag that said, “Hi! My Name Is Finger-Wagging, Moralistic Tradition of the Ministry!”

No, thanks!

All of which is to say, pumpkins, that you’ve got to craft an image that is liveable and flexible. It should take you seamlessly through all the parts of your life: the dressed-up Sunday morning parts, the hanging out in town parts, the public meetings, the social gatherings, the visiting and the pot-lucking and even the dating parts. At no time should anyone have cause to see you and think, “My goodness. I had no idea she was that person.” If you are honest about yourself, if you present an authentic, whole being to your congregation and your community, no one should be shocked at any revelation of your multi-faceted humanity.

So if your parishioners happen to see you out on a date flirting with a cute dude or dudette (or struggling through an obviously terrible blind date with same), they should see you being you. Hopefully, they will keep their distance and say a little prayer for you. Because part of sharing a good and healthy ministry is to recognize that the pastor deserves to have a special someone in their lives, and to remember, compassionately, that it takes some dating and wooing and maybe even a little bit of cleavage to get there.