Beauty Tips for Ministers
Because you're in the public eye, and God knows you need to look good.
What To Wear To the Wedding
April 9, 2008 on 4:20 pm | In Pastoral Fashion Emergency, Or "PeaceBang, Help!" | 14 CommentsDarlings, this in from a dear young newbie, who asks –
I’m officiating my very first wedding this September – and I don’t know what I should wear for it!
I’m just 22, completed school last year and began pastoring last summer, and have never even BEEN to a wedding with a female officiant!
It is a very casual, backyard wedding in Ontario, Canada (the bride is going barefoot and the dress code is casual) and I’m certainly willing to buy something for the event, since I have a very limited wardrobe thus far. (My two suits are a black pantsuit that has seen better days and a heavier grey wool skirt-suit).
I’m about 5′10, average-to-thin build, warm colouring, and usually wear “autumn” colours (greens, browns, etc) but they’re not the most joyous tones!My blog has a picture of me, but with old makeup/haircut…. (I will update that before too long!)
I’ve emailed before about what to wear as a pastor to youth and young adults, and I’ve found “my” solution is usually dark brown or black dress pants, a v-neck fitted sweater, stud earrings and a large, bold necklace.. or for more casual, a t-shirt and black jacket with dark jeans. I still struggle to find the right shoes that I can walk distances in and still look great, but its getting easier!
I also got a great graduated bob haircut a little while ago, and while I’ve always worn eye makeup I do feel much more finished with lipstick, so I’m trying to continue looking more polished in the makeup department.
Thanks for your help – your blog is hilarious, and I genuinely feel more put-together and professional since I’ve used it and been able to show others more of a late-twenties than an early-twenties self
Thank you as well for legitimizing the concern to project that professional image – we don’t always get that here!
And thank you for writing in and for your kind words, Miss “Just 22!” (Don’t think we missed that “just,” said PeaceBang, clutching her twenty-years older chest). So glad we could be of help here at BTFM.
Now, for your wedding. Since it will be so informal, there’s no need to wear formal vestments unless the couple really wants you to. I own a white linen/poly blend duster for such occasions, which I don with a stole over a dressy skirt and blouse ensemble for summer weddings. It has saved me gallons of sweat and made many a horribly humid outdoor wedding bearable and even comfortable. I should think that if one sews, such a garment would be incredibly easy to make. Mine has one clasp enclosure over the bosom and falls beautifully to my ankles. It looks very liturgical.
Barring ownership of such a garment, you might consider a cream or white linen/poly blazer (immaculately dry cleaned or ironed, of course — the polyester blend will keep it from becoming a wrinkled mess). Wear it with a camisole top and knee-length or ankle-length skirt of some shade that won’t compete with the bride’s ensemble (avoid patterns if possible). Some would find a stole objectionable over street clothes; I do not. Find a nice pair of wedge sandals (pedicure! pedicure!) or a pair of neutral-colored pumps and feel free to go bare-legged but only if you shave and moisturize. Some of the au naturel types may complain, but a shaggy-legged officiant will only distract from the proceedings. But do learn from PeaceBang’s mistakes and do NOT spray-tan your legs the morning of the wedding. Do it the day before if you like (and PeaceBang relies on fake tan spray to help her legs glow all summer long as she flatly REFUSES to wear hose to anything but black tie events), but not the day of, unless you want brown rivulets to streak down your legs and into your shoes.
Things to avoid: sun dresses, baby doll tops, patterned dresses, slacks, overly-casual shoes (just because the bride is going barefoot doesn’t mean you can get away with flip-flops).
Other things to avoid:
>not thoroughly checking out the noise level outdoors and advocating for a sound system if possible (if not, plan to SERIOUSLY project, and instruct all readers beforehand to do so as well — and make them practice for you if you have any doubts);
> wearing heels that puncture the lawn and cause you to sink into the grass with every step;
>not drinking enough water and dehydrating, or worse, drinking booze before the wedding (we may or may not be a friend of the couple’s, but until we’ve pronounced the couple wedded for life, we are at work;
> dancing at the reception in such a manner as would cause the guests to say disapprovingly, “I remember when the clergy had some dignity; I suppose they’re ordaining anyone these days.”
Good luck, Meredith! Send a photo! And put those autumnal colors away ’til next autumn!
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Being a priest in a more liturgical environment, I would never wear a stole over anything else than vestments. There are other reasons as well:
1. It gives the occasion a touch of, for lack of a better word, holiness. The plainest lawn becomes a church. It’s “for real”, and in my experience most couples want a slight touch of solemnity although they might say the want it light. It is a serious occasion, and we, if not anyone else, should project that.
2. Being a youngish woman, I need all the help I can get to look the part of the priest. No one expects “that girl” to be the priest unless I show up in the garb.
3. Wearing vestments helps everyone to focus on the couple and not bother about what the clergy person is wearing. This should be natural, but isn’t. We’re just too interesting for that, and our clothes will be commented upon. That’s fine for the party, but the ceremony? Don’t think so.
4. Stoles are made to wear with an alb or something like it. They simply look better that way. Otherwise it just looks, in my not-so-humble opinion, like a very weird scarf.
My two cents. Otherwise – go for what makes you feel like you look good, but stay dignified. You’re clergy, and the one who makes it happen (well, except God, and the couple of course, but neither need to worry about this as much as you). If clergy shirts are used in your church, get a nice one, you gain tons of authority and confidence wearing it.
Good luck!
Comment by maria — April 9, 2008 #
I have to second Maria. I have one stole I call my “camping stole” that I wear with shorts and Tevas… for summer camp when we do Eucharist on top of the mountain with teens. That’s it.
Other than that, for Occasions like the monumental occasion of one’s wedding, it’s vestments appropriate to the occasion. The bride may be casual, but it’s still a holy moment.
I do like, however, using “alternate clothes” to sub for vestments. A petite friend of mine found a mandarin collar sleeveless black dress in a Tall, and uses it as a summer cassock. I continue my search for the same.
What I’ve done in similar situations… I officiated at a friend’s simple wedding, and wore my cocktail dress for the party, but full vestments for ceremony. I was serving as an official of the state and of God, after all! I have the paperwork to prove it.
For me, the vestments clearly separate out when I am performing a liturgical function from when I am “totally civvie”.
This is long now, but… I also had a small wedding (albeit a semi-formal one). I originally told my clergy friends to just show up in regular clothes, but a few of them who were doing “official parts” came in their collars (and appropriate vestments!), and I have to say, it made everything they did the more special, knowing that those clergy people were “on the job” so I could simply be “the bride”.
It probably depends on the denomination, though…
Comment by Rev Bee — April 9, 2008 #
I would defenitely go for vestments!
The couple wants a “church-ceremony” (altough in my tradition wedding-ceremonies MUST take place IN a church and no where else- but that´s an other issue), so they expect you to look like it (unless they say clearly that they dont want it).
Vestments give you some more confidence and authority as Maria writes.
You are a young woman- make sure they take you seriously.
I had a not-really-funny-experience today:
I gave a speech in a neighbouring parish.
I was wearing a plain white shirt, dark-purple blazer and my newest and best fitting dark jeans.
I think it looked great.
The auditory I gave the speech to was a circle of 60+ women.
When I was introduced as the speaker one woman replied: “Oh, I thought, this was just a visiting girl.”
And at the end the very woman sait: “Sorry for not greeting you, I thought you were just a visiting girl” (By the way: Are “just visiting girls not worth to be greeted??)
This showed me the need to dress properly and appropriately. (I am a 31 year old “girl”!!!!)
Sometimes I wish there were clergy-shirts in my tradition.
Just to show other people: Hey, look, I am young, you might even think this job is far to big for me but I am nevertheless your pastor/vicar …I know what I do and the curch ordained me for doing what I do.
Best wishes for your first wedding!!!!1
Comment by chavale — April 9, 2008 #
Its me (the letter-writer) and my denomination doesn’t do vestments – at all – so that’s not an option
Thanks for the comments though, and of course thank you PeaceBang for taking the time to reply.
Comment by M — April 9, 2008 #
I’m in the vestments camp. You coming in with your robe helps create a sacred space in the midst of a barbecue. It quiets everyone who is chatting and will keep on chatting unless there’s something visual they recognize and respect that tells them to shift gears.
With all respect, PB, you with your years in ministry, plus stage experience and charming chutzpah can carry the role of clergy without the outfit, but someone “just 22″ needs it.
Just 22, buy, beg, borrow or steal the most whisper-thin robe you can get – but be sure it fits you. Otherwise, I would say a Nancy Pelosi style suit, including blouse and hose. Le Suit makes smart jacket and skirt ensembles that don’t require a blouse. Add a stole if you can get one that works with it. They may mistake you for the wedding coordinator at first, but at least they will distinguish you from the guests, who will most likely be wearing black mini-dresses and fringy wraps.
I decided not to tell the couple it was my first wedding beforehand. Why add to their stress? A friend gave me a wonderful tip. She told me to tell them: “When you exchange rings, your hands are likely to be swollen from the heat and the adrenalin. If it doesn’t slip on easily, don’t panic or try to shove it in place. {Insert joke about charming wedding photos here.} Just push it as far as it will comfortably go and let your beloved adjust it later.” Just having that bit of practical advice to offer made me sound and feel like a pro!
Comment by rev. Gidget — April 10, 2008 #
I bought a green chasable on eBay some years back for summer weddings. But I always try to coordinate with the bride’s color scheme.
My first wedding was in someone’s living room, very laid back, I wore a black pantsuit. My second wedding was in the chapel at my old seminary, co-officiating with the chaplain of the seminary. Quite a step up!
Comment by Anonymous — April 10, 2008 #
Here in Vermont, doing destination weddings, and being a UU, I have had affirmation for “all of the above.” I scored a grey silk pantsuit on clearance at Macy’s a few years ago. It blends with practically any color scheme, and even looked okay with a stole but no robe. I have also worn white tunic-and-trousers successfully.
As to vestments, I only have one robe, which is heavy and black. I prefer to wear it –with stole — to confirm that I am not a justice of the peace. In summer don’t usually put it on until the last minute. One exception:when the parties are slow to get organized, it helps to put on the robe and stole and pop into the dressing rooms to “see how it’s coming along.”
If it’s REALLY hot, I bring a second outfit — or at least a fresh blouse — for the reception. That lets the clothes under the robe get as sweaty as the ceremonial role might require without worrying.
Comment by Rev Elz — April 10, 2008 #
I concurr with a stole over vestments. Pair it with something lightweight that can be worn with or without a jacket depending on what the weather is like in September.
I always robe for weddings – and still need to since I can appear to be a much younger woman in the eyes of the bride and groom’s parents and grandparents. I borrowed an eggshell colored robe when in div school and I started doing weddings at age 24ish. Upon ordination, I received the big black robe from my more traditional internship site. Then a generous friend of the family offered to buy me a gift I could really use. That led to the purchase of a while choir robe with burgundy piping and open angel-style sleeves. Between the color and the open sleeves, it makes a very good summer robe. In fact, I haven’t worn the black robe for worship or other services in years. And the white one was 1/3 the cost of my formal minister’s robe. If you can swing it financially, such a robe is a great investment. (no pun intended)
Comment by jinnis — April 10, 2008 #
One quick tangental thought: it’s ok to be the age you are. Yes, by all means present yourself professionally and appropriately. But you can be attractive and youthful and appropriate all at the same time. I think ministry can be one of the most age-focused vocations, and a lot of us 20-somethings spend a lot of time feeling uncomfortable. You don’t have to look like something you’re not (i.e., older) to be put-together and professional.
Comment by Mrs. M — April 10, 2008 #
For outdoor weddings, I have two nice suits (one light grey, one a lightweight tweed). I do wear a clerical collar, but no alb or stole – those are for indoor only. PeaceBang is RIGHT ON about not wearing pointy grass-spearing heels; learned that one the hard way. Personally, I think the whole robe/stole thing would look a little much at an informal backyard wedding. Dress professionally, act professionally, and they will treat you accordingly. I’m 35 and, 9 years into the pastor gig, I still get the “but you’re so young!” comment occasionally, but I figure time will take care of that on its own.
Comment by Kates — April 10, 2008 #
I prefer slacks for outdoor weddings. A windy day can be quite embarrassing in a skirt (especially one that is “flowy”! Shoes that won’t sink in the earth is another must -chunky heals or no heals for me. I won’t wear a stole without vestments, so I have to decide whether I’m vesting or not. If not, white/cream slacks and a clergy top (if you can find one that’s not too drab) is a good combination or a simple clothes with no pattern on them is the way to go. But most of all, I recommend finding a look that suits your age, height/build, and personality. If you given it this much thought, I believe you’ll be fine.
Comment by Katie — April 10, 2008 #
I did my first wedding at a home in Florida in July. I wore my alb and stole and I was so glad–here’s why:
I have a contemporary a-line alb with full sleeves, and it’s made of lightweight but opaque polyester. Ugh, you may think–but wait. It was one hundred degrees and the sun was blaring down. I was drenched with sweat, as I would have been with or without the alb, but because of the alb you couldn’t tell. It didn’t cling at all, and afterwards I could just throw it into the washing machine.
I wore a modest but festive sun dress underneath, and I had a bolero sort of cardigan to wear over it, and I was so glad I wasn’t stuck in more formal “clergy” wear (like some sort of suit) at the reception.
Comment by Madgebaby — April 13, 2008 #
Greeting Sister in Christ
I too am officiating my first wedding, thank you so much for the comments and suggestions.
The wedding is outside and the temp has been predicted to be 90+ I plan to wear a white linen suit and stole. I don’t plan to attend the reception.
I sweat easily and don’t want to be a waterfall.
Comment by Khedijah — June 9, 2008 #
To M, the letter-writer,
Since vestments are not an option for you, a nice summer suit seems fitting, as some others have suggested. It is a shame this has to be so complicated.
To All,
I am “just” 23 and from a Baptist/Non-Denominational background. The male pastors wear tuxes or suits to officiate weddings, so that leaves me wondering what a woman should wear. I am a licensed minister (and currently in Divinity School) and have been asked to officiate a wedding next summer. The bride and groom are from the same background, so though they would not expect vestments, I would certainly wear whatever they suggest.
I have a great appreciation for vestments and stoles, but it would seem quite out of place for me to show up dressed in them. For a formal wedding, is a long formal dress with a jacket or a nice suit appropriate? I want to avoid the “power suit” look and want to be dressed appropriate for a wedding. Vestments would solve so many problems!
Thank you for your help, those who have gone before us!
Comment by Baptist — October 27, 2009 #