Beauty Tips’ Greatest Hits – Page 6 – Beauty Tips For Ministers

July 10, 2014July 10, 2014

Pants Rant

Oh, sure Eileen Fisher, just go ahead with your ridiculously expensive cotton clothes and your hideous cut-off-at-the-calf breezy summer pants that so many of my colleagues will be wearing this summer and undercutting their own DIGNITY as they worship the false idols of COMFORT, Eileen, they do and you KNOW that. So you DESIGN these pants on PURPOSE and MARKET them to women who convince themselves that just because they can pull on these pants that they actually FIT which they Do NOT, Eileen, these pants do not FIT ANYONE and the reason for that is that you never DESIGN ANYTHING THAT HAS AN ACTUAL FIT. It all just sort of FLOWS and HANGS there off the body, which I guess if one is tall and elegant and has amazing muscle tone and posture and fantastically elegant hair and make-up and accessories and a fresh mani/pedi, well, OKAY, that MIGHT look halfway decent. Sure. But SHOW me a typical working woman in my profession who has that kind of perfect body and bearing and sense of style to carry off these pants without veering right off the road into the Frumpy Ditch and I’ll give you a hundred bucks, Eileen Fisher, and that right there is a BET. That right there is a THROW DOWN. You find a minister who you personally, with all your designerly expertise, think looks respectable in these here chopped-off-at-the-calf PANTS and I will personally hand you 100 crisp dollar bills from my own hand. Did you hear me, Eileen Fisher, famous designer of overpriced unstructured garb? ONE HUNDRED CRISP DOLLAR BILLS, my friend! Because IT. CAN’T. BE. DONE.

No one should wear these pants in any working capacity. Ever.

And don’t go whining about the heat because all it costs you to maintain your professional integrity is a FEW MORE LOUSY INCHES OF COTTON, for the love of all that is holy, and you’re not going to PERISH in the BRUTAL CONDITIONS of your average day in ministry. And think of how grateful you’ll be with your CALVES properly covered when you start tripping over anacondas and scorpions and other dangerous and poisonous wildlife that you’re bound to come into contact with in the course of your WORK IN THE SAVAGE HEAT OF THE TROPICS, which is where everyone apparently lives now since they can’t manage to TOLERATE THE OPPRESSIVE SENSATION OF CLOTH ON THEIR ENTIRE LEG.

JUST WEAR PANTS! OR SKIRTS AND DRESSES! SO MANY CHOICES!
WHY, GODS, WHY DO YOU MOCK ME?

*Goes to lie down with a cool cloth over her eyes*

March 12, 2014March 12, 2014

Look Sharp

So I was talking with a friend who is being installed as the Senior Minister of a large and well-endowed congregation. Like many women in ministry, she began her parish ministry life as the Associate to a male senior pastor. She is now moving into a position of more authority and power, and she wants to make sure that her public image matches her role.

We were talking about her outfit for the Installation, for which she has chosen a tailored and pretty skirt and jacket combo. I recommended that she switch out the nice gold necklace she had chosen for something more bold, and that she consider a pointier toe on her shoe. That got us thinking, and me in particular, about how angular shapes and sharp edges in our attire can communicate power and authority. Take a look at the classic male business suit:

Note all the sharp edges? The triangular edge of the collar, the pointed edges of the lapel (you won’t find business people in round lapels). The clipped hair, the slightly squared toe of the shoes (not round). This all communicates “sharp” in a very literal way, and we need to be aware of that dynamic. This man is sharp, buttoned up, clean lines, discipline, elegance and speed. Even in his insouciant posture with a cigarette in hand, he radiates power, authority and professionalism. There isn’t one “off-duty” aspect to this outfit. He is literally ready for business.

Power, authority and business are not bad values for a religious leader to have. We must stop thinking that they are, and identifying ourselves as having no connection to those qualities. Spiritual work involves power — if we don’t think we’re working on behalf of a powerful God, what are we doing in this work? Isn’t healing a powerful thing? Bet your bippy it is. Do you not wish to be a powerful preacher, a sharp leader, a person who can use authority well and wisely on behalf of the better world we imagine and work toward? If not, why the hell not? You see what I’m saying? “Can I get an AMEN up in here?” as RuPaul would say?

How many clergy people do I see who are all soft edges, puffy haloes of frizzy hair, sloppy, dragging pants hems, elastic-band floppy skirts. Not one sharp element of their appearance. Women favor quilted florals like this:

And round little slippers like this:

And it’s all very benign and squishy soft.

Look at what clean lines do:

Bam. Structure. Elegance. Heft. No one is carrying important work in a quilted floral bag. Not that knitting isn’t important work, but you know what I’m talking about. I’m talking about the budget meeting where you want to make a case for a life-saving and life-giving community initiative and you have opponents who are going to be showing up in suits with a very different agenda.

Compare these flats to the previous pair. Doesn’t that bit of a point communicate a subtle something? They’re actually SHARPER.

Add a bit of edge to your outfit. See how it makes you feel.

This does not mean dressing like Don Draper. It means paying attention to all the soft, round, flowery, untucked, elastic-waisted, comfy-round toed, sweet little items in your closet that communicate how unthreatening you are, how smooshy and comfy you experience the world to be. Meanwhile, the people who are claiming their power are wearing structured, buttoned up, angled, sharp outfits and running the world.

If God dressed and sent an archangel to advocate for poor and voiceless people at the community development meeting, what would her handbag look like? Would it be a beat-up backpack? A soft quilted floral number? That’s up to you and your imagination. But remember: Until the angels get directly deployed, God sent you.

January 4, 2014

Have A Fit

PeaceBang BEMOANS the lack of attention to fit among today’s retailers and clothes-wearers. Fit is EVERYTHING. Fit is ALL. Fit is the Alpha and the Omega of your appearance.

Once upon a time, tailoring was an important and respected skill and trade. One had their quality garments tailored to fit them, and they kept those garments and repaired and altered them for years until those garments had to be lovingly retired or repurposed as diapers or quilts or wash rags. Nowadays, in the throwaway era of cheaply-made clothing, we pull something off the rack, think that it “fits” when we can button it up the back or front, and put it to use in our closet.

Darlings, watch some Turner Classic Movie Channel flicks and feast your eyes on the clothing worn in those pictures. They FIT! Blouses that fit smartly over the chest or bosom do not billow around midsections. Gentlemen’s trousers do not pool around the ankle or bag around the thighs. Blazers do not sag at the shoulders, button at the torso and then flop down past the thigh. Posture was a virtue. Grooming mattered. People understood the meaning of formality.

From that to this:

Please. Unless you’re 6′ tall and … no. Not even then. Floppy monstrosity. Even Bea Arthur’s tunics had tailoring, people.

It’s a throw for your den couch with armholes cut in. Where’s the TAILORING? Where’s the SHAPE? How is a human figure supposed to approach any kind of personal elegance in these garments?

Here are a couple of very chic outfits that feature big, shapeless garments. So yes, of course such things can be fashionable. However, they are neither professional nor ministerial, so they’re not options for us, no matter how slim, tall and young we may be. A big oversized sweater with leggings is NEVER professionally appropriate:

Looks great, though. And this, too. Floaty, unstructured jacket with tiny top and leggings look great on the street, but they shouldn’t make it indoors to a ministerial appearance. Put some pants on.

This isn’t going to segue into a LEGGINGS RANT but it could. It is just to say “pigeons, don’t follow the trends when it comes to fit. Go with the classics, find a tailor, do your research, be honest about your figure (watch yourself in motion from the rear or have a trusted friend give you the honest low-down), and consider the fit of all your garments to be as high priority as their color, cut and fabric.

December 10, 2013December 10, 2013

Managing Your Image For Photographs

Here’s an interesting article about a Rhode Island bishop who thinks that Pope Francis is just too tolerant of human beings, and should be more a stricter moral arbiter like he is.

I think you can probably guess how PeaceBang feels about the content of the article.

However, since we do clergy image here, let’s just look at the photograph that accompanies the article. My reaction to the photo — before I had any idea what the article’s contents were — was decidedly negative. And because of my ministry as PB, I thought, “Oh, boy. This bishop should have had an image consultant with him when they took this photo. I would never have allowed this angle and expression.”

This image is amazingly revealing. Let’s look at what it communicates non-verbally.

The tilt of the bishop’s chin upward and the set of his mouth in a firm, semi-frowning line communicates classic haughty rejection and disapproval. We all know this body language and we all know that facial expression. This photographer knew exactly what he or she was doing in shooting the bishop from that angle: be aware that good photographers know how to capture the essence of your character in one image. Therefore, it behooves you to know and understand the lines into which your face naturally falls, and if your face naturally falls into an expression that communicates a negative feeling, work with your photographer, the lighting, and your own expression to the best that you can to communicate the truth of who you are.

The fact is that our faces do not always reflect our character. They very often DO. But viruses, genetics, illness, a lifetime of reading in poor light — many life factors can contribute to fierce or haughty expressions. Your community, who knows and loves you, knows your character. The general newspaper reading public does not. Therefore, when it comes time to be photographed for the general public, be sure that you nicely and respectfully manage the situation with the photographer to assure that your image communicates your character, mission and vision of ministry. Got that, pigeons?

Back to the image. In photographs for the media, remember that the eye of the camera represents the public gaze. If you are looking away from the camera, therefore, it can be read unconsciously as avoiding the gaze of the reader/public. So you want to have a warm, inviting smile for the camera whenever possible. If the photographer has you look away, question that. Express yourself. Manage the shoot. If you and the photographer decide to have you focus on something else than the lens, have a relationship to whatever you’re gazing at. Under no circumstances do you want to be aimlessly or awkwardly looking at nothing in particular, which creates a terrible and unflattering image. Some imagination and acting may be called for in order to compose your body and face in a way that communicates the kindness, love, care, passion, whatever you want to get across for the story.

NEVER, EVER think “oh, the paper is coming to do a story on me” and let the photographer tell you where to stand, look and whether or not to smile. You must think instead, “Oh, the paper has decided that my work or this controversy is news and they want me and the Church to help them sell papers. So now I have an opportunity to communicate my message to the wider public.” Start crafting your words and the image of you that will accompany the story.

In this story, the camera has made a huge editorial statement for the bishop, whose sad, angry, avoidant eyes, defensively tilted chin, disapproving mouth and haughty demeanor have told the story of the religious leader before one reads the first quote.

Don’t let this be you. If you have a difficult position on an issue, or if you want to position yourself as a “tough love” kind of moral arbiter in the church, or if you believe in the righteousness of your disapproval, be ye wise as serpents and savvy with the camera.

November 1, 2013November 1, 2013

Contempt And Influence

I was meeting some old friends on the Upper West Side of Manhattan. We happened to duck into a very ritzy little bistro for lunch; a place that just happened to be jam packed with some of the most wealthy and glamorous and powerful people on the planet. I recognized some literary and theatre celebrities, and the place just reeked of society, darling. There I was in my denim jacket and infinity scarf and black pants and boots and cross-body bag, and my friends were tourists from Sweden and we were all clean and presentable human beings but this joint was POSH.

Their menu outside only posted the food and prices, so really, I had no idea.

I realized upon stepping inside the cafe that I was in a different world. As I said, I immediately spotted various big names having a power lunch, and every woman in the place was incredibly, extremely thin, drowning in jewelry and carrying bags that cost more than half a year’s mortgage payments (and I know this for sure, because the whole phenomenon of obscenely priced bags fascinates me, and I pay attention to these brands). There were numerous victims of Restalyne and Botox abuse — top lips plumped beyond recognition as lips, faces stretched tight and shiny, skin raw pink from chemical peels, brows lifted to the hairline. It was a kind of shocking spectacle and one I have never seen before. I’ve seen money, and I have seen society, but never up this close and never at this high a level. I felt a bit like an anthropologist as I observed the amazing spectacle without overtly staring at anyone.

Then I saw her. She was sitting at the bar looking at me. She was tiny and brittle, not an ounce of extra fat on her, dressed in something so blindingly chic I have forgotten it — except that I remember her heavy polished gold chains and fitted buttery leather jacket. Her hair was cropped in a most elegant way and her face and make-up perfect. She was over sixty and had a few wrinkles, but had had work done and her eyes were unnaturally wide and her mouth pulled a bit too wide, as injectable fillers will do. Her posture was perfect. i took all of this in in seconds and almost gasped when I saw her expression. She was staring at me with a look of total and unmistakable contempt, not even trying to hide her disapproval of everything about me and not looking away when I met her eye. I was shocked for a moment but I’m not an idiot, I know the judgment of this class of people (I grew up with some of them), and I know how I look in her eyes: fat (the inexcusable crime of it!), poor (of course I’m not poor at all except in that particular context), unacceptable, disgusting. She radiated this. She radiated it at me like an arrow shot from a quiver.

The anthropologist part of me was astonished, filing the experience away for future consideration in my bulging file of Human Social Behavior. The Fat American in me was offended and defensive. But as your Faithful PB, I was intrigued. I immediately wondered, “If I wanted to have some influence in this woman’s life and community as a religious leader, what would I have in my closet — what LOOK could I put together — to address her in her own setting?”

Is not ministry about feeling called to have influence in the world?
I wondered if I could have influence in this woman’s world, or if I am simply too (to her) bumpkinish, frumpy, unchic and inconsequential.

It would depend on who introduced us. It would depend if she knew my work and achievements (maybe). It would depend if she has any respect at all for the life of the mind: she may or may not. If she does not, she will never hear me. Which to me is a challenge! I don’t think it’s that woman’s job to meet me where I am, to see my inner beauty and value and that sort of thing. The whole point to me is that I am the minister, I am the woman of God, and it is therefore my job to meet her where SHE is, to love her shallow, contemptuous little self as best I can (which was not very well at first glance, I’ll tell ya) and to try to find a way to bridge cultural and societal gaps to be able to form a relationship with her.

I think the nicest black suit I have (not very nice, and not actually a suit) with very high heels, impeccable hair and make-up, lots of corseting and nice jewelry might get me a hearing with this kind of woman. To me, that’s what this blog is about. It’s about acknowledging that we want to get a hearing with all kinds of God’s children, and that the way we present ourselves opens or closes doors before we open our mouths.

Be ye wise as serpents and gentle as doves, and have ye at least one outfit in your closet that would get you a hearing with someone like this woman. Because she may desperately need the message and ministry you have to give, and if not her personally, you may need and want to have some influence with some interest or community she represents. You might want to enjoy working with her on a project of some sort. You might want to get to know the possibly awesome lady she is under all that Chanel. You can’t get your message heard by this kind of person looking like a (fat) slob. And as much as it rankles me to accept that my body size was the cause of her contempt, and much less so my attire (if I had been tall and model slim, I don’t know that she would have cast the steely glare upon me), that’s the world in which we live and serve.

When I am uber critical of what seems to my dear pigeons as a perfectly acceptable manner of dress, remember that I am always thinking of the way we are seen, read and regarded either consciously or unconsciously by the public. My job is to mediate between the worlds of insular clergy attitudes (“God loves everyone! We’re all beautiful!”) and the rest of the world (“God, what a mess”). If we want to influence the world, we must not expect the world to come to us with our own enlightened attitudes* already formed, right?

Go be beautiful.
Peace.
Bang.
xoxo MWAH!

*I was going to put this in quotes, but I won’t. We’re not as enlightened as we like to believe, for one, and then there’s the whole argument around aesthetics and Beauty as a transcendent value, but I need to get to Home Depot so I won’t get into that now. xoxo PB