Then Don’t Wear Tshirts and Flip Flops To Church

I was lurking on a clergy conversation board not that long ago when I saw the usual, defensive, “Oh, I hate when people treat me with disrespect because I’m a woman and they can’t believe the pastor is a girl” thread going on.

I do get angry about this, of course I do. Sexism is real and either overt or unconscious pretty much everywhere. The archetypal pastor image and persona that the vast majority of church-going folks (or even unchurched) have in their imaginations is a man. That’s going to be the case for a long time; somewhat less time in denominations that have called women ministers for longer than other, more conservative denominations. We all know about the stained glass ceiling — even in my own super-liberal denomination, men are overwhelmingly called to the large congregations while more experienced, proven and better-educated women ministers don’t even get first interviews.

So I get it.

However, I want to challenge the conflation of sexism with basic confusion.

It is one thing to go about your work in ministry dressed in a professional manner and to have to prove that you’re the minister of the church (or synagogue) because you’re a woman and yet another thing entirely to be questioned about your status when you’re dressed like a sloppy kid.

One commenter on the thread I was following threw in, “Yea, I hate being asked if I’m the pastor in incredulous tones when I’m at church — especially when I’m in shorts and flip flops.”

Honey, you shouldn’t BE at church in shorts and flip flops.
Maybe the issue isn’t sexism. Maybe the issue is your immaturity and inappropriate attire.

Even if you’re going over to church for a few minutes to plant some petunias, you should be dressed in a way that, should you need to straighten up with a trowel in your hand to let someone into the building or greet them, would not embarrass either of you.

That means that you don’t just roll over there in a Tshirt and flip flops and expect people to recognize you as any kind of leader and get all defensive when they say, “YOU’RE the pastor?”

Even men in similar attire wouldn’t be assumed to be the minister if they were dressed in shorts and flip flops.

I’m calling this out, kids!

Step up your summer game. That’s why God made madras, chinos, cotton skirts, straw sun hats, sandals, and proper shirts.

Cutesy Hipster Warning And Cosplay Boundaries

Because of online retailers like ModCloth, Eshakti and others, we all have access to funky, retro, really fun clothes. You don’t have to live in New York City or Portland (or any city) anymore to have access to hipster fashion. That’s wonderful and yay and everything.

But darlings, do keep an eye on the cutesy factor of some of these garments.

Ministers do not wear obvious kitty cats for anything but a relaxed day during which they are CERTAIN they will not be called to serious business. This is a wicked cute skirt, though.

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No balloons. Come on. Also: no candy prints.
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Don’t think I don’t want this dress. I totally do! But I’d take it with me on vacation and hide if I saw anyone who knows me as a minister. Once they’ve seen you in a Hello Kitty dress, you’re not getting your authority back.

Put a bird on it!
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Keep an eye on the whimsy is all I’m saying.

There should be no superhero or Marvel characters on clergy. Keep the cosplay for Comic Con. Why I have to say this to adults is baffling to me, yet there it is. Our Disney villain/Dr. Who/Game Of Thrones fantasies and fetishes belong nowhere near the religious communities we serve as clergy. Break out the Maleficent collar over the weekend you’re AWAY. At no time do we ever want to cause members of the communities we represent to murmur to each other, “What the HELL is she wearing?”

Expressing our individuality is fine. Inflicting it in aggressive ways on our communities is not. It is your responsibility to figure out just how much of your specific individuality the community you serve can tolerate. That’s part of being a mature adult, and a professional.

There Is No Virtue In Drab Attire: Give Us Life!

Here are some humans who give me life. Please click on the photos to see them a little bit better in all their glory. These aren’t necessarily clergy looks — they’re just examples of people who make an effort to connect with their world through their own style.

Dear friends looking handsome after church. Specs on point!

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Woman on the train in classic navy and ivory ensemble. Clean, tailored, perpetually in style:

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Lively lady at Lincoln Center with animal print clutch. Nails done. Stylish specs. All black outfit with interesting details.

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A line of fabulous people in Union Square. Woman in foreground with great bag, guy in red pants and navy cardigan, guy in hat in the background is beautiful in skinny jeans. Every single person has put thought into their look. They emanate energy because of it.

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Lavender vendor rocking the porkpie hat and natural curls. Super cute.
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Great hair, pop of color at shoes and bag. Terrific and easy. All it requires is putting some thought into accessories.

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Polka dot pocket square. It doesn’t take much to show the world that you care.
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And this, to me, was just like going into the world as a big kiss. It says, “I AM HERE. I AM ALIVE. TAKE A LOOK.” I did, and I loved, and I appreciated. I do not see this kind of vibrancy as vanity, and I’m tired of hearing from people who do. That perspective is ugly and repressive and it’s high time religious leaders stopped perpetuating it. Those who express interest in beauty are enacting a form of praise.

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Consider the lilies of the field. Well, I think he did. They’re actually peonies but you know what I mean! It amazes me that people will take the time to display flowers in their home and yet walk around themselves looking drab like it’s some kind of virtue to do so. WHAT IS THAT?

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If God doesn’t think it’s vain to make a whole lot of extravagant beauty, then what’s your excuse?

The Church of Broadway: A Minister’s Songbook

So, I could be super critical about this show and say that my vocals are kind of a mess, or I could just share this in the spirit of letting you see what this project turned out to be. Enjoy it, pigeons. It was a different kind of risk to take for me. There are so many risks we have to take as religious leaders. We have to say things that are difficult. We have to retain the “balcony view” down to the dance floor of our ministry settings and report what we see there in a helpful, professional, self-differentiated and pastoral way. We have to equip ourselves with solutions (even if those solutions involve letting things that need to die, die, or leaving things in God’s care) so we can equip others.

We have to show up in scary spaces to witness to God’s love in every space.
We have to challenge ideas and worldviews that are so comfortable to many that they seem to be ultimate Truth, but are nothing but attitudes that need to change and evolve.

And sometimes we choose to take a different kind of risk: to say, “Here am I, here is my story, here is my song. I hope it will inspire you to think about your own story, to share it, and to sing your own song.”

God, I’m getting corny.

It seems appropriate to drop this off with you on my way out of town. I’m actually heading to New York City, where it all began, to join MotherBang for a few days of BRRrRRRROadway before doing a wedding for friends on Friday.

“Sing out, Louise!”

Clergy Poverty: Don’t Sell Yourself Short

Dearest dears,

This is a season of professional discernment for some of you, and it seemed not only appropriate but important to share with you this letter I received unsolicited from the Rev. Kathleen McCombe. She has wise words. Heed them.

Mon cher riche en coeur PB,
Several posts recently here and elsewhere allude to the plight of clergy who for multitudinous reasons endure what I would like to call “circumstantial pastoral poverty.” A life given to God which moves struggling on the journey from paycheck to paycheck, including the spectre of huge debt for any level of seminary training is one which is less than free to embody all the gifts of the riches of the incarnate Love come down in God. The default hiding place for those living on the poverty line leads for many to a life as clergy of despondency and bitterness.

I yearn for justice for those who have toiled for years receiving wages which do not honor the skills, commitment, years of study, and ecclesial commitment through ordination. As a clergy who has been on judicatory making decisions on those entering (and leaving) ministry, it seems many clergy are taking taking positions which offer less compensation than their training and skills demand, or settling for less than full time positions because that is what is available.
O rich of heart PB, may we all continue to work together to see that our sisters and brothers, fairly receiving compensation for service rendered, receive the gift of lives able to fully realize the Beauty of God within them.

Dear Kathleen,
How kind of you to write from your perspective on the judicatory level making decisions for clergy on their way in and out of the ministry. I heartily concur with your observation that a life of poverty and resentment severely hampers our ability to do the work to which we were called in the health and spirit the work requires of us. I join you in urging ministers to live out their vocations in ways that do not enable parsimonious religious institutions to hold faithful people hostage to their vocation by offering an opportunity to be ministers at grossly unjust wages. We all know clergy who work far more than their part time contracts stipulate (is there really any part-time parish ministry position for sole pastors of congregations?), who are burdened by debt, and whose congregations employ them year after year with promises of wage increases if only they “grow the church” (no minister can “grow a church” — only a church can grow a church), if the stewardship campaign does well, and if other expenses don’t take priority over paying the minister more. Meanwhile, the minister is expected to be a top-notch trained professional, lead well, preach effectively, counsel wisely, supervise staff, represent the congregation in the community, and hold the community in prayer at all hours and in all seasons.

They must have a mobile phone, a computer and printer, respectable wardrobe, working vehicle, social media savvy, financial acumen, theological education, organizational development knowledge, systems theory knowledge, administrative skills, pastoral and counseling talents and resources, the ability to function as a triage social worker, and denominational and ecumenical connections and involvement. They must be aware of the social justice and sociological issues of our time, and be articulate about them. They must understand both Islamic extremism and the tax code of their state. They must be willing to say prayers for a dying pet and to keep vigil with a family that is making decisions about taking a loved one off of life support. They must be equally socially comfortable at the Martin Luther King Day breakfast, coffee hour and the weddings of strangers — and have outfits to wear to all of those.

Their weekends are spoken for.
They get one day off a week if they’re lucky.
They will have to pay for housekeepers, dog walkers, prepared food and driveway shovelers when the demands of ministry keep them from attending to their own domestic responsibilities.

This may sound glamorous and welcome to the seminarian who dreams of having the title “Reverend” and the yoke of the stole that goes with it.
Trust us, dear ones. It is not glamorous.
It is, however, amazingly fulfilling and profound.

But you should not try to do it while holding a begging bowl.
I believe that in this new era where minister is held accountable for knowing and doing so much more than has ever been true for clergy in any other century, no one should take on the task without fair and just compensation.
There are many ways to live out a ministry and not to suffer exploitation along the way.
You may choose to embrace poverty, and that is commendable. If you do, please do so openly and within the context of communities that honor and share your commitments.