So I got this query today in my in-box. M asks,
Hi PeaceBang,
I am officiating at the funeral of a remarkable man on Friday who insisted to everyone before he died that no one was to wear black or dark colors at his funeral – he wanted color and celebration. Indeed, there is much to celebrate about his life, and his family will be following his wishes. How am I to manage his request? I usually wear a grey, navy, or black blazer with a different color skirt. I think I’d like to wear grey but dress it up with a colorful scarf or something. Do you have any thoughts on this? I don’t know that I am comfortable wearing a bright color. He was a [decorated WWII veteran], and so there will be pomp and circumstance and honors, and I want to be in keeping with this as well. Thanks for any help you can provide.
I responded thusly,
Hi M.,
I think it’s important to honor the wishes of the deceased, but not to the extent that you fret overly much about your attire being bright enough. Officiating at funerals is your job, and you need to look professional and appropriate. If all of your professional clothing is dark, then wear dark clothes with a pop of color to indicate that you’re on board with the spirit of the day. I am not in favor of officiants donning special attire or costumes to accommodate individual requests. One can make a nod to the theme of the day (bright colors, “Star Wars,” Disney, etc.), but the buck has to stop with any requests that have you questioning whether to radically alter your appearance or go clothes shopping for a rite of passage.
In this particular case, the fact that there will be military honors is even more reason to make sure you’re dressed in a formal and appropriate way, which usually doesn’t involve a bright dress. The military guard and the officiating clergy should be in formal attire. You needn’t wear the customary black if that was expressly unwanted by the man you’re honoring, but navy should do it, with perhaps a touch of color at the neck. As I say, suggest the color and let his friends and family do it up Technicolor for their dear departed.
Peace be upon him and kiss of peace to you.
The world is becoming less and less formal all the time, chickadees, and individual expression trumps tradition. What you allow in your church is up to you and your governing board, bishop or deacons to decide. But in a world where cosplay is becoming more and more mainstream, you better figure out now where to hold your boundaries or you may wind up giving the nuptial prayer dressed as Donkey from “Shrek,” or Darth Vader, or Captain Hook. You think I’m joshing? These photos are from real weddings.
“I now pronounce you, Slave Leia, and Boba Fett, as lawfully wedded intergalactic love bunnies until the end of the millennia. May The Force be with you.” Although I might be persuaded to wear a Jedi robe to officiate in, I wouldn’t officiate at a wedding where one of the couple’s face was completely obscured. That’s a legal issue to me. I am responsible for assuring that the proceedings are orderly and legal, and I can’t really guarantee anything if I don’t know who’s under the mask. Geez, think of Laban and Jacob!
And finally, so cute and eccentric (the guy lives his entire life as Peter Pan) but so not getting me into a Wendy costume.
Its moments like this when I am happy that I wear robes…my “uniform” of cassock and surplice with a white stole.
My “go to” funeral suit is a black skirt and blazer with tiny grey polka dots. I have a grey clergy shirt (the same colour as the polka dots) which adds a bit of colour. Depending on the occasion I will wear a lively brooch on the lapel of the jacket, but otherwise, folks know I’m the officiant.
I agree with the families request to wear colour, but am firm about what I will be wearing and why. I’ve yet to have an issue with it.
May the Holy Spirit be with you as you guide this family through a rite of passage. Don’t forget to breathe. And please remember to leave room for the Spirit.
I’m curious to know if anyone has any thoughts on what motivates couples who are getting married to dress as characters from Shrek or Star Wars or some other film or narrative. I find it hard to see the connection between these stories and the ritual in which one is bonded to a partner for life, so, to me, it ends up feeling like an odd sort of distraction. Have any of you spoken with a couple who wishes to have this sort of wedding? I guess I imagine that some of them might say something like, “We both have really always loved this story,” but that doesn’t seem like enough of a reason to make it the theme of one’s wedding. I find it hard to reconcile the seriousness of a wedding with the playfulness of dressing in costume (it almost seems to detract from the momentousness of the occasion), but then, I realize that I’m a rather serious sort of person. Are folks who desire a cosplay wedding just generally playful in most every aspect of their lives? Do they so strongly identify with a particular character that they feel their innermost “true self” in fact is what is being shown when they dress up as that character for their wedding? [Great question, Sandra. And I would tend to think that the last hypothesis is correct. It would be the pastor’s responsibility, I think, to give the couple a chance to explore that in pre-marital counseling so that they know the pastor respects this aspect of their lives and can officiate without any winky-judgy subtext. Cosplay culture can be just fun and silly (in which case a couple can get an Elvis impersonator or something to do the honors) or it can be about expressing a deep sense of identity and sharing something quite intimate with a wider group of beloveds. I think the only concern we have to have is to make sure we pronounce people married spouses by their actual, legal names. – PB]
Taking off from Sandra’s comment, I have another. It distresses me when people say something like “I don’t want any grieving at my funeral; I want it to be a joyful celebration of my life.” That falls on a continuum, with “No funeral for me!” at the other end, and “Everyone please wear bright colors” somewhere in the middle.
A beloved person has died, folks! Of course people are going to be sad. They have every right to be sad, to grieve, to weep, and to mourn. Please let’s not take away their opportunity to grieve in a trusted, ritual way. Let’s not make them feel like there’s something wrong with them for weeping when everyone else is all jolly (or pretending to be). I think that we, as religious leaders, have an obligation to allow for a funeral to be the occasion for some public grieving and acknowledged sadness in a manner and a place that feels safe. It’s true that the deceased should have some say in what happens at their funeral (“I’ve always hated that hymn, please don’t sing it.”), but I believe a funeral or memorial service is a ritual for the living, because the deceased is… you know, dead. Let’s honor our commitments to the living, and try to talk the dying out of making unreasonable requests (hopefully long before they are on their deathbeds).
So wait, the chick with the bra top and genie pants was the minister? And the one in the tasteful white dress was the bride? My eyes! My eyes! [Yes, ma’am, I do believe that Slave Leia was the Officiant. – I just need to know if Jabba the Hut was the Best Man. Photo doesn’t show. – PB]
And following Judy W, I am ALWAYS explicit at a funeral that neither tears nor laughter are inappropriate when you are remembering someone’s life. I’ve never had to do a funeral for a young child (thank you, Jesus), but even at the funeral of a young adult, I want them to know it’s okay to remember everything about that person. And I I admit that I’d be pretty limited about what I’d allow at a service in the church — it doesn’t have to be white and tuxes, by any means, but it IS, after all, a worship service — there’s plenty of time to play at the reception. And I’d be a little more open about a service in the park or at the beach for them, but if I’m there as the officiant, I’m there professionally and I don’t do bikinis or fake noses.
Oops. Susan P., I actually did a fake nose once (under very different circumstances). A child in our Pennsylvania congregation was at Boston Children’s Hospital for a long stay while his doctors determined how/whether to do still another surgery. ( I think he was probably about 10 or 11 at the time.) Co-minister husband and I were on vacation, driving from PA to Maine, so we decided to stop in Boston and visit with this child and his mother, who was a beloved member of the congregation. When we got to his room, they weren’t there, but the nurses said they’d be back shortly from the playroom, and we should just wait. I don’t know where the red rubber clown noses came from, but we had them with us and we put them on to surprise kid and Mom when they got back to their room. They were definitely surprised; it took them a moment even to recognize who we were, as they hadn’t been expecting us. so the nose thing was kind of a bust and I would never do it again. Context is everything.
Oh, I would so do the same thing in those circumstances — Children’s is probably one place where they are completely appropriate! As long as you aren’t performing a wedding 🙂
I think I have just discovered the point where my inner curmudgeon kicks in. Was that officiant in the bikini top a CLERGYWOMAN? If so, that kind of foolish pandering to bride-zilla whimsy just makes life and ministry harder for the rest of us.
I realize that the desire to be thought of as “cool” is strong, but no other profession would even consider such nonsense. When was the last time you heard of a Star-Wars-themed appendectomy, or a Shrek-themed embezzlement trial? What we do is infinitely more serious and more important. Yes, we care for people, but we care for their spiritual well-being; and that’s a considerably different thing from being a cruise director or a cheerleader.
And in the end, shouldn’t the funerary AND matrimonial rites of the church be GOD-themed events?
I really wanted to know about the Slave Leia officiant, so I did some googling and it looks like this is her: http://www.the-reverend-d.com/. It doesn’t seem like she is a clergy woman, although she does refer to herself as Reverend. She’s a registered officiant in New York (I’ not sure what that means exactly, particularly in terms of what you call yourself.)
As long as this country is so confused about the difference between a legal marriage and a religious wedding, I guess we can’t complain — though I am sorely tempted to write a message to “Rev. D” and give her a piece of my mind. She isn’t helping anyone to understand the difference, especially by taking on the honorific (not a title) of “The Reverend.” Man, I am really steamed about this! PB, how about another blog post (maybe on your other blog?) about this topic? [I think you should guest write this one, Judy. I think it should be in the form of a “Dear Miss Reverend D” and just go from there. I totally feel you on this — I mean, she’s a Reverend Impersonator. The I have “mad credentials and I’m not afraid to show ’em to you!” stuff is totally stupid. She sounds like a fun, groovy chick who I’m sure has no idea how ignorant she’s being. What she’s advertising is fantasy fulfillment. It has nothing to do with being a “reverend.” I wish legitimate clergy could put a stop to this one-day ordination nonsense. I have no problem whatsoever with people being licensed to officiate at weddings. But don’t call yourself an ordained minister. It’s fraud. – PB]