It’s not just you who’s terrible with names and who gets all flustery when she runs into people in the store or on the street or at the gym or at coffee hour and doesn’t remember their name. It happens. In my own case, I’ve lived in nine different states in the past twenty years, served three congregations, been part of God knows how many theatre groups, taken classes on more than a half a dozen campuses and traveled quite a bit, to boot. I get confused. Everyone reminds me of someone. I think I know people from somewhere and get it all wrong.
Don’t despair, chickadees. Just be honest. Borrow a few of PeaceBang’s favorite phrases:
“This is horrible. I just blanked on your name. This is happening more and more often lately and it scares me.”
“Psssst. Who does that little boy belong to? I can’t believe I don’t remember.” (In other words, ENLIST HELP!)
“It’s so good to see you again! How have you been?” (Pray to Buddha that the subsequent details will help you identify the speaker)
“Oh, wait. I DIDN’T work with you on a committee a few years ago? I’m so embarrassed. Please forgive me.”
“I know I’ve met you before, but I’m so sorry, I just don’t remember. We didn’t date, did we?”
“Hi, dear!”
Always, always offer your hand for a shake or friendly clasp or be open for a little hug or cheek buss. This will hopefully break any tension and communicate that you know you’re dolt for not remembering their name, they’re important to you, and you recognize that you are connected. You may very occasionally hit the hilarious occasion where you not only do you not remember someone’s name or how you know them, but fail to recall that they hate your guts. When you go to hug them and they recoil, you will remember! Do remember at those times, though, that anger and resentment are their own kinds of connection. A friendly, clueless handshake or kiss may be just the thing to break that enchantment for that resentful person. It’s hard to demonize someone whose shampoo you’re close enough to smell.
Remember, we’re all animals. Being close enough to smell each other makes for much more powerful bonds than most words any of us can craft.
And that’s also why I’m Team Jacob. 😉
[Addendum: This works the other way around, too! Don’t assume that anyone remembers your name!! When greeting people at professional gatherings, I think it’s considerate to offer your hand and say, “Hi, So-and-So, Victoria Weinstein from Norwell. We met at the Marriage Equality rally a few years ago” or “Good to see you again, So-And-So. I was on the panel when you keynoted at the Andover-Newton conference on preaching.” This gives that person the gracious opportunity to say, “Of course I know who you are, Victoria, nice to see you” even when a minute ago they couldn’t remember who you were for the life of them. We all meet so many people: there’s really no reason to assume that we’ll be remembered. And please don’t be offended if you are not. – PB]
Ha, this could be me!
I am usually totally honest if I go blank with names. And people are mostly very forgiving. “I know you have to remember soooo many names. Don´t you worry, I´m John Smith”
Hey, at last night’s service, the bishop got a name wrong when licencing our new Readers. So, one person was licenced twice, one not at all…
The certificates are right, and God will sort it out! 🙂
This happens to me all the time. In fact when I started at my current congregations, I was upfront and said I had a difficult time remembering names but that I would work very hard to try. I remember faces well though, which helps a lot. Thankfully, my congregations are extremely understanding and were patient with me.
Good tips – I think I’ll file them away 🙂
Two weeks ago, I ran into a man I had dated 20+ years ago. He recognized me right off, but I was totally lost. He was cute when we dated, but he is now drop-dead gorgeous and married with a 3-yr old (sigh).
I just say, “Remind me of your name!”
Oh, PB, I need your advice for the OTHER way around. Last week I, a children’s minister who is usually out of the congregation with the kids on most Sundays, preached and led the service. During the passing of the peace, I did not recognize a face and, in my attempt to be open and welcoming, introduced myself to someone who is a longtime member! She said, “yes, I know who you are, honey. I’m ______. I’ve been here a long time.” I said how embarassed I was and her husband gave me out by blaming it on the heat, but this week they mentioned it again, so it’s clearly not over. I think we just have to live through the pain, but is there any way to make it better?
Signed, Mortified in New York
Thisis where a pastoral consort is particularly handy — I can say, “Have you met my husband, Manny?” and then let them introduce themselves to him, reminding me of their name. Not Emily Post perfect, but it works.
Dear all- I lived in (and went to seminary in) the South- where I learned to “ma’am” and “sir” anybody over the age of 11- very handy when you blank on a name- I still use it, even when not in the South!