… for anxiety attacks, of course!
Boy, have I been battling my Panic Demons today! They’ve been wonderfully at bay for months now and I thought I had ’em licked, but I got hit with a mini-attack on Sunday morning when I sat directly in front of an evergreen wreath hanging up in the pulpit, breathed in the histamines and had a wheezy moment that sent me directly over the edge into the land of the Thumping Heart, tingling hands and hot face. As I sat calmly and smiled at the congregation as the prelude played it occurred to me to go running out of the sanctuary and out the doors to get some fresh air. I decided against it, though, as potentially alarming to my dearly beloveds. As sufferers of anxiety know, these thoughts come in a flash and must be beaten down with one’s strongest “BAD DOG” inner voice. I’m not allergic to pine. It was a very temporary little wheeze that set off a ridiculous excess of red flashing lights and alarms in my nervous system.
It happened again in class this morning. A few moments after I sat down a wave of anxiety swept into me so hard that I actually blurted out like an idiot, “I’M HAVING AN ANXIETY ATTACK.” It was a classroom full of ministers, thank god, so no one was perturbed but I had to leave the room immediately and race-walk down the hall to outrun my racing, doomy thoughts and physiological distress. As I walked I heard my kind professor’s voice say, “It’s that time of year.”
Later in the day I was concentrating on something and the panic started to well up again. Fortunately just at that moment my friend used some lovely lavender-smelling skin cream on her hands and the scent helped me calm down. Maybe I’ll start keeping some in my bag (yea, that and a bottle of scotch! No darlings, I’m just joshing. Quite unfortunately alcohol is generally a stimulant for me and is not my drug of choice. Fried chicken wings are my drug of choice.).
I do tend to get anxiety attacks after completing stressful tasks or events, so I’m not that surprised. Thanksgiving was a big to-do, and then last weekend I preached a very self-revealing sermon that, in retrospect, took a lot of nerve (no wonder I had tummy troubles that morning!). I had a paper due today, and there’s a longer laundry list of concerns on my mind this year than usual — nothing negative, all interesting and positive, but as Mama always says ….”just because you love it doesn’t mean it’s not stressful!”
The irrational nature of this syndrome is so disturbing to me: how can my body skid off the road like that as if something is so wrong when my really, all is well? I want to say to myself like Austin Powers, “OH, beHAVE.” I’m getting better at it. I really am. I hardly ever wake up with panic any more. I’ve cut out the caffeine and I don’t eat dark chocolate near bedtime (which could trigger nocturnal attacks). My calming self-talk is becoming more effective and if I can be patient for about 30 minutes I’m generally over it.
Here’s what I’m going to do tonight: sit silently in God’s presence with a lit candle, not read, not write, not plan Christmas services, not try to make big decisions about my doctoral program, and not compulsively think about or try to organize the next three weeks.
Brothers and sisters, take care of your dear selves.
Thanks for being honest, PB. Today was a black day for me, too. In my case, my inner demons reared up, catching me off guard. I, too, thought I’d finally conquered them. My anxiety hasn’t manifest physically (yet), but emotionally I had my own attacks today and medicated myself heavily with carbs of every variety. Funny you’re trying to talk your body into behaving, while I’m trying to reign my brain into thinking healthy thoughts. I love your blog – thanks for making me laugh (your drug of choice) even today – and most especially for being able to read that I’m not alone nor quite as Abby Normal as I sometimes feel. Remember… breathe…
I think I’ll put some lavender-smelling skin cream in the mail for you…
Breathing and lavender are good… Also vigorous exercise, a big big help. (No need for gyms if they depress you, a nice walk outdoors will do the job.)
Then again, if this is a regular occurrence, a little prescription for a low dose of xxxxx is not a bad idea. (Do NOT do xxxx though, it has no half-life and makes things worse ultimately. xxxx is much better. This does not constitute official medical advice, though. A board-certified psychiatrist is best. Caroline Divine is opposed to the primary-care-prescribes-psych-meds thing.) [It sure does sound like medical advice, though, and PeaceBang wants to point out to readers that she does not recommend touting or dismissing drugs in a casual and irresponsible manner, which is why she has deleted the names of the pharmaceuticals referenced here. – PB]
Aura Cacia makes a LOVELY lavender spray. I took to carrying it around or keeping it on my desk at work — very light smell, nice quick spritz of aromatherapy AND it hydrates the skin, and it has no chemical junk in it.
Makes a nice present too. And works for guys as well.
Big hugs and yoga vibes to you. And better living through chemistry if you need it. I know it’s hard to sort out when one needs meds and when one is just succumbing to the medicate-everything fashion of the day, but sometimes a little biochemical adjustment really does help.
My sister suffers from panic attacks and was told to wear an elastic/rubber band round her wrist at all times. Whenever that feeling comes on you start pinging it against your wrist and all the endorphins rush from your brain to the area of pain. She swears by it.
And spare a thought for me who is allergic to pine. No real trees or wreaths for me and I have to take antihistamine all the time at this time of year in case I come across one.
Other herbal suggestions–Bach’s Rescue Remedy (a nice-smelling extract that you put in a hot drink), and valerian (a NASTY-smelling herb that you take in a capsule).
I hate panic attacks! But I love your blog, and the darling way you are honest while still being so very comfortable.
I have a little vial of Aveda Blue Oil in my purse at all times. A friend gave it to me, and I find that a dab on the wrists and back of the neck when I’m panicky helps me breathe deep (it feels/smells very calming) and even better feel like I am in control and doing something. And that helps me beat the panic.
I recently found sticky notes that I now carry with me everywhere I go. They say:
What I need to remember today:
1. Breathe in
2. Breathe out
I pull them out whenever I feel the wave.
Your reference to a “Bad Dog” inner voice made me smile, as it immediately brought to mind a recent conversation with a friend of mine, who recommended I name my own Inner Critic (who is definitely related to my own anxiety attacks). When I made a joke about my inner critic being a ‘bad dog’ – my friend – who is a dog trained – laughed and reminded me that there are no bad dogs – just misunderstood ones.
I’ve been reflecting since on the value of my inner critic’s voice, and definitely using my dog-training voice to call it to heel!
I’ll make another plug for Bach’s Rescue Remedy. It’s sounds very fringy and new-age, but it really does work, and it is possible to keep it in your purse/ pocket and use it by putting a drop directly on your tongue (so, very quick and easy).
Another plug for Rescue Remedy. I know that it’s used by a number of canine rescue folk. Our male basenji is a prince–but a bad, bad, crappy, bad, poor, rotten traveler. The folks we picked him up from had used it on him and he, they told us, was fine. We can’t get him to and from the vet without him throwing up–and it’s a short drive. I must remember to get some… again.
I’ve heard good things about the rubber band on wrist idea that was suggested by Rev Ruth.
Also, remember not to be too hard on yourself. Last winter at this same time, I was having ridiculous anxiety attacks whenever I was in the car. I kept thinking I was going to die, we were going to crash, etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. Yes, it was irrational, but it was one way my body was choosing to cope with stress and anxiety. After a few months, the attacks went away. It sounds like you are always doing a LOT, and have tons of deadlines; so clearing out some quiet, no pressure time as you planned strikes me as a very good idea!
Oh heavens, I know what you are going through, Peacebang…I will be ordained a decade in the coming year, and am in studies, too. I know what it is like to have the anxiety attacks around this time of year.
Really, hang in there…the holiday season just exasperates the worse in all of us…if we ever had the slightest self-doubt about our studies, abilities, well, it will come through loud and clear in this time.
Don’t let yourself be too down!
Point well taken. But I repeat: XXXX is dangerous. Be well and take good care, especially of yourself.