The Girls Need Your Attention, Too

Ladies, it falls to me to bring up a delicate subject of what my friend Peter calls “breasteses.”

Simply this: we have two breasts, not one large shelf of Breast, a pitiable condition sometimes known as “monoboob.” There are plenty of ways to amp up your bust without going under the knife. Here is where breast enlargement creams can help you. Please guard against Monoboob. Your bra should have two clearly distinguishable cups, not one sling-type operation. The latter option is only acceptable in a sports bra, and we don’t wear our sports bra out of the gym or the hiking trail (unless it’s under a fitted blazer, in which case you can generally get away with it).

Also, ladies: we generally have two breasts, not four. Look in the mirror. Are there two small puppies straining over the cups of your bra to get out? If so, you need a new bra. Don’t be afraid to get fitted for one. I had it done last week and found out I’d been wearing a size too large. Quelle horror!

(Please do not laugh at the irony that all my work-outs are actually reducing the one part of my body I don’t mind being voluptuous.)

On a more serious note, do check to see that your blouse doesn’t gap in the front, thus distracting your congregants to existential ponderings about the exact nature of Victoria’s Secret. Just because it’s unconsciously inappropriate behavior doesn’t make it acceptable inappropriate behavior. Try not to commit this indiscretion, especially not during pastoral counseling.

On a truly serious note, don’t forget to do your breast self-checks on a regular basis and to schedule your annual mammogram. I know it pinches, darling, and I hate that sourpuss woman who refuses to laugh at any of my jokes just as much as you do. Just go.

4 Replies to “The Girls Need Your Attention, Too”

  1. So we must mention the fabulousness of Wacoal, and getting professionally fitted anywhere BUT Victoria’s Secret – girls, those bras are crap! Get yourself to a Nordstrom’s, and have the very nice people there figure out exactly what size you really are, try on everything they give you and buy the one you like best. Then go online and get multiple copies for less money, and never ever put them in the washer or dryer. Hand wash ’em once a week and they’ll last practically forever.

    I found that I had to replace my VS bras at least twice a year, at $35 a pop and they didn’t fit right, either. I spend $60 on a Wacoal, and wear it for two years. It’s worth it. Not to mention the girls at VS always tried to convince me to just wear a bigger band size instead of having the right cup size – 40DD instead of 36/38DDD. Talk about monoboob. – check out the full line

    Bare Necessities – a great place to get them.

  2. I must also say that a friend of mine who has a terrible time with bras has also sworn off VS. I have gone with her many times and each time she has been “professionally fitted” and they come up with a different size each time. I happen to know exactly what size I am and what style fits me the best and I stick with it. I buy those puppies in bulk because as soon as I like something (bras, granola bars, you name it) the company stops making it or changes the recipe. Beware. If it works, get about 10 of them.

  3. I must agree with the Evilness of VS and the wonders of other bras such as Olga, Vanity Fair or Bali.
    I am well-endowed (why thank you, grandma Dot) and I swear by them.

    However, I would make a plug for avoiding the MonoBoob altogether and investing in a Champion sports bra. They make them with underwire (or not) and they look like real bras and are the best sports bras I’ve found yet. One of them has lasted me almost 3-4 years.

    Should you be in Chicago, I also recommend the G Boutique (which has an on-line component) as they have lovely bras, and are run by women who went to my high school. Good bras are not to be sneezed at.


  4. I am going to respectfully disagree with the string of comments regarding Victoria’s Secret. I have had the worst time with any underwire for my entire adult life and any style without underwire was neither supportive nor attractive. So, unfortunately, the monobosom of the sports bra has been the mainstay of my wardrobe professionally and personally, even in the pulpit. Until now. Only two weeks ago, I discovered VS’ Ipex without underwire. Just in time for my spouse’s candidating week, I might add. I looked great and I felt great. And I have discovered a whole new world of wardrobe right in my own closet – all those tops I did not wear because the sports bra straps showed above the neckline. Now I can look professional and feel comfortable for those three unit days.

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