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Fluffy Cassock People: A Cry For Help

Dear busy Advent bees!

I got this request lo awhile back and wondered if you all had advice, as I do not, although I have SO MUCH SYMPATHY. There is nothing that shocks a meatball-shaped person who wishes to serve the Lord in a formal churchy way more than the sight of ourselves in body-swallowing vestments that make our fluffy figures look Extra Super Fluffy.

I feel your pain, sister.

I am a lay adult woman who serves as an acolyte, eucharistic minister, lector, and occasional preacher in an Episcopal church.

My rector has decided that I should be vested in a cassock and surplice (not cotta, which is shorter). I ordered a surplice from Almy, using my actual chest measurement and pretending I am still 5 feet tall. I ordered the American style surplice.

I am appalled. There is so much fabric that if I hold my arms straight out I look like Sponge Bob, or perhaps a Christmas pageant angel in a robe that is too large. (Sponge Bob may be an exaggeration, but I am still in shock.) The arm holes are so large I’m pretty sure I could tuck my elbows in without wiggling. I am hesitant to attempt any tailoring. The deacon told me that is just how surplices are built.

I am wondering if anyone has any experience with the Roman style surplices (square collar, pleats). In particular, are they a better fit for someone whose body can charitably described not as a pear or an apple but an ice cream cone? I am hoping for less billowing fabric and perhaps a more flattering fit (cue the hysterical laughter). Also arm holes that my cat could not stroll through.

I plan to visit a local church supply company and see if they have any suggestions. But I trust the BTFM community, so I value any suggestions.

I know, I know. It is not about me. It is about serving. I get that. But I’d appreciate your input.

Darling, have you considered stilts?

UPDATE: Allison reports that she ordered the Roman style cassock and that it is a huge improvement over the American style! Sound of angel choir.

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What are the Best Gold Coins to Buy?

How to Buy Gold Coins or Precious Metals as an Investment. What are the Best Gold Coins to Buy? Buying physical gold or silver as an investment is not always as straightforward as it sounds. But the premium is only one part of the equation. It doesn’t necessarily mean that you’ll get that premium back upon the sale. Worse, there are unscrupulous dealers out there. They will try to trick you into buying numismatics and other collectibles that have a huge premium and won’t retain their value over time. Gold production and purchase, in coins and other forms, have increased dramatically over previous decades and continue to show growth, diversification, and demand in a robust and multifaceted market. Australian Gold Kangaroo Coin: These coins, guaranteed by the government of Australia, use cutting-edge security technology to ensure they’re able to be authenticated accurately, in real time, and exclusively by qualified entities and individuals, giving investors greater confidence in investing in them. Chinese Panda Gold Coin: China’s first gold coin features an annually changing design on its face and the Temple of Heaven on the reverse. If you want to invest in Gold Coins you have to do a comparison about which one is better investment option.

Gold Canadian Maple Leaf Coin: This coin, dating back to 1986 and featuring Queen Elizabeth II, comes in several sizes, sets, and versions. But the premium is only one part of the equation. It doesn’t necessarily mean that you’ll get that premium back upon the sale. Worse, there are unscrupulous dealers out there. They will try to trick you into buying numismatics and other collectibles that have a huge premium and won’t retain their value over time.

Gold American Eagle Coin: Available in limited numbers, this coin dates back to 1986 and has withstood time. High governmental quality control ensures its popularity, value, and liquidity. These coins are slated for redesign in 2021 with new measures to prevent counterfeiting, which is another reason to invest in them.

Canadian Gold Maple Leaf: These coins, guaranteed by the government of Canada, use cutting-edge security technology to ensure they’re able to be authenticated accurately, in real time, and exclusively by qualified entities and individuals, giving investors greater confidence in investing in them.

Austrian Philharmonic Gold Coin: This coin is great for investors and music lovers alike.

Gold Sovereign Coin: This British coin is ideal for those who seek diversification in their gold assets.

American Buffalo Gold Coin: With a presidential design dating back to the twentieth century, this coin, the first 24 karat coin from the United States, is minted with American gold. Due to its purity, it’s softer than other American gold coins, and its authenticity makes it a stable investment.

Austrian Philharmonic Gold Coin: This coin is great for investors and music lovers alike.

American Golden Eagle Gold Coin: This coin, dating back to 1934 and featuring President Franklin D. Roosevelt, features the artwork of Andrew Jackson, the first American President. It is issued as a symbol of the rich history and legacy of the United States and honors the nation’s great heritage and symbols of liberty. read this about the history of gold coins http://kands3d.com/.

When it comes to investing in gold and silver, the best choice is to go with coins that have a premium in their face value, such as American Silver Eagles or the Canadian Silver Maple Leaf.” As you can see, it doesn’t really matter what you buy or whether it has a premium in its face value. In order to preserve your investment, you should keep track of the prices of the different coins that you use. The main thing to remember is that you should always be buying coins that have a premium in their face value. The reason is to protect your investments and determine how much you will get back upon the sale. There are several pieces of advice you should remember: One of the greatest dangers that you can fall victim to is any dealer who will try to trick you into making a purchase that the dealer can collect on. Unfortunately, these unscrupulous dealers do exist. The second advice is that you should shop around, because a good dealer who stands by his promises will get you the best coin possible for your investment dollar. If you believe that any dealer is making you a bad deal, you should call them to get your money back. Gold coins are meant to be collected, not treasured, so consider how much you can afford to spend on the coins. Investing in gold coins is a great idea and offers many benefits.

You should never pay over the odds. This is the fourth important advice that you should remember: Buy from a reputable dealer. If you do not, you will be paying significantly over the odds and may end up with the coin that you wanted in the first place, but did not expect to get. But how to know who to buy from? Buy only from dealers that are trusted by dealers and collectors. It is important to check the quality of coins being sold. In addition, you should do your research by asking a knowledgeable member of the coin community whether that dealer has ever provided you with any bad advice. Remember that the other valuable piece of advice that you should always remember is to always have a sufficient amount of capital in your savings account. This means that you should always have some kind of savings in case you decide that you need to spend more money. Even though the amount of money that you should have in your savings account can vary, one rule that is always true is that you should keep a sufficient amount in your savings account in case you ever need to spend more money. That being said, for short-term loans or bills, you can always borrow money from other people in your family. But for longer term financial needs, you will need to save some money of your own. In addition to this, you should understand the types of credit that you are using so that you are aware of the risks that you are taking.

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Hairy Topics

Oh, what a friend we have in dry shampoo! Here is a 2018 post giving you some product suggestions and how to apply.

Since posting that article, I have found the gold standard dry shampoo for myself, IGK First Class Charcoal Detox Dry Shampoo

It’s vegan, cruelty free and has UV protection in it. *praise hands*

I have fine, thick hair that gets a bit oily at the scalp pretty much immediately after shampooing, even though I am careful not to get conditioner or styling products near the crown roots. I have very dry ends and frizz potential at the front of my hair, so I have found that spritzing on some dry shampoo right away after I blow dry my hair gives it immediate safeguard against oiliness. When I style my hair, I use the best mousse for fine hair and try to make sure I’m adding as much volume as I can so it doesn’t look flat or show that my hair is thin.

This is me on “Dirty Hair Monday,” having shampoo’d on Saturday morning and worn my hair up and sprayed for church on Sunday. You can see how dry the ends are already, but the scalp doesn’t feel gross.

A friend gave me some Paul Mitchell Lavender Tea Tree Leave-In Conditioner that wasn’t working for her, and I really like it so far.

It takes time to find the right application of hair products for your own individual hairs (every single one of which God counts and loves, remember!) but they can be a huge help in keeping your look polished and pro, so do give them a try. I see so many clergy with greasy scalps and hair and I have two bits of advice:

Please wash your hair before church on Sunday, at least.
If you’re SO pressed for time that you can’t wash your hair, try some dry shampoo. Start with a little at a time, let it absorb for thirty seconds, rub it in with your fingers. Don’t brush it in as the manufacturers recommend because you’re just going to brush up more dirt and oil. Trust me, I learned this over many hair frustrations!

If you have dandruff that you’re managing well, please include tips in the comments because I don’t have any experience with that except to feel very upset when I meet ministers out and about who have a very visible sprinkling of snow on their lapels. IT’S DEAD SCALP SKIN PLEASE BRUSH IT OFF. Keep a little soft brush in your office drawer to whisk it away before you head out to shine on the people.

Dirty hair is sad and depressing and immediately indicates to me that someone is not grounded in their embodied self. It always reminds me of a little kid; the kind who’s been playing really hard and had dinner and you think, “Oh, this little punkin really needs a bath.”

You’re not a little punkin or a tired child. Don’t look like one.

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Baseball Caps

Never, ever, ever under any circumstances whatsoever lead or participate in a worship service while wearing a baseball cap.

Never.
Not for a bad hair day.
Not if it’s “super casual.” No occasion for worship is ever THAT casual.

If you need to cover your head for religious or bad hair day reasons, choose another kind of cap or hat that is not a sports-oriented headgear equated with leisure and fun time, and is also, when not removed, a symbol of flagrant disrespect.

Also, and I know this because I recently attended a service where a minister actually wore a baseball cap the entire time — no one can see your face when it’s covered by the bill of a baseball cap.

So, it’s disrespectful, it’s sloppy, and it interferes with your ability to connect with the congregation.

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For God’s Sake, Scrub!

A few months ago, Black Twitter was in a hilarious uproar over the nasty secret that white people do not know how to wash themselves properly.

I’m not getting into politics over this, nor do I want a comments section full of #NotAllWhitePeople.

What happened is that a white girl proudly tweeted that she didn’t wash her legs every shower and all hell broke loose. Because… what!? If you have very dry skin, you STILL NEED TO WASH YOUR LEGS. Skin is an organ that is constantly shedding. All of the dead skin cells that your wonderfully made, self-generating bod are making can’t just fall off naturally, you have to wash them away. I can’t believe I have to say this to grown adults, but the occasional pits-groin-feet wash is just that; occasional.

I am on Team Wash Your Legs, Your Ears, And All Your Parts pretty much every day.
You are special, you are a precious child of God, and you are funky.
You get musty.
You sit and work in close proximity to other people who should not be subjected to your funk.

Yesterday I got on a ferry from stunning Star Island to the coast of New Hampshire. A very healthy, attractive young man was on the ferry ride, and it was obvious within a few minutes that he was an au naturel guy, not a big soap and deodorant user. He smelled like a human being when he got on the ferry, and that was okay, but at the end of the ride when I had occasion to pass again through the cabin where he had been sitting, I almost gagged from the musk.

Don’t be this guy. Just as I have said about wearing jeans and being “down with the real folk,” deciding that you can go about your workday without having taking a washcloth to your incarnate self is an expression of privilege. It’s clueless. It’s rude. My theatre director and stage manager friends have a tradition of making the “smell well” speech before the cast moves into the dressing room. In no uncertain terms, they say “Don’t come to rehearsal unbathed! And please don’t try to cover up your body odor with Axe body spray or perfume – it doesn’t work, it’s unfair to your fellow actors and backstage tech people.”

They are correct; perfumed products, powders and topical unguents are not a replacement for bathing.

And now I would like to put a word in for Trader Joe’s skin care products, which are cruelty-free, affordable and work really well.

These body washes are gentle on the skin, moisturizing and a bargain! The Tea Tree is great for sweaty summers and post-workout washes and it’s not at all drying.

There’s no reason you can’t moisturize with straight coconut oil from the jar but this is lemony and super moisturizing. I get a little leathery in the sun and this gives me the most lovely glow on my arms and legs. Please moisturize, white people! I have been to so many clergy gatherings and sat there feeling utterly horrified by the scaly legs and cracked elbows on display. Raggedy cuticles, dirty feet — it’s appalling. Jesus be a pumice.

This is my favorite all-time body lotion. It is THICK and emollient! It absorbs fast. It works wonders. I have a container of this on my vanity and in the bathroom all winter. Very mild scent.

Get yourself some washcloths! Body scrubs are okay but let’s be honest — how often are you washing them? I have a pile of these and I replace them every two to three days. Use a different one for your face, obvs.