Because you're in the public eye, and God knows you need to look good.
Booty, did you ask me about whether ministers should wear thigh-high boots, or was I hallucinating?
Is there a dear reader of this blog named Bootsy or Booty (Booty? dear Lord, I hope not!), and did you ask something about tight leather boots?
Darling, use your best judgment. Boots should be solid and not trampy, and for heaven’s sake, nothing above the knee unless you’re moonlighting in a profession that’s even older than ministry.
Scene: Gorgeous blonde standing near lamppost, wearing unbelievable Frederick of Hollywood 6″ black hooker heels with wrap-up gladiator straps all the way up her calves. PeaceBang walking down the sidewalk approaching her, male tourist doing a double-take as he passes by her going the other way, and woman with straggly blonde ponytail, baseball cap and enormous denim shorts approaching her:
Scraggly Ponytail Woman to Blonde Babe:
Jesus is coming back and He loves you.
PeaceBang (to self): And He totally wants to borrow those heels!!
PeaceBang is gasping! One of you li’l scalliwags has skipped over to another blogger’s site and rebelled against my NO FLIP-FLOPS decree!!
http://www.errantfrogs.net/?p=357
I am just MOMENTS from throwing a “Mommie Dearest” fit! “ELIZABEEEEEETHHHHHHHHH!!!! NO MORE FLIP-FLOPS!!! EVER!!”
My analogy about jeans, which wasn’t well-made on Froggie’s Blog, was that for an entire generation of church-goers, jeans are DUNGAREES. They are for working in the garden, not for wearing to church.
Flip-flops are flip-flops. You can put them on a 3″ wedge, dress them up with glitter and leather straps and add bells and golden monkey charms to them, but they’re flip-flops. They display the foot in an immodest way. They are beachy. If they are flat, they are most unflattering to the ankle and the calf, and NO ONE CAN WALK ELEGANTLY IN THEM. That in itself is the worst of the worst, and reason enough for you to avoid them in church.
I have a lot of damn hip, creative, progressive nonagenarians in my congregation. They are with it, funny, and very supportive of change and innovation. One of the women ran a shipyard back in the 1940’s, during the war. She is one tough, tiny bird. Until she and her descendants are gone to the Eternal, I shan’t disgrace her memory by wearing DUNGAREES or FLIP-FLOPS to church. That’s just how I feel about it.
For the record, I own five pairs of thong sandals and wear them constantly. Just not to church. To the MALL. Or to the BEACH. Or to the BACKYARD. Or out for ICE CREAM. See how many fun places you can wear your flip-flops? And your DUNGAREES?
I’m not a fan of the mule-style sandals either. You know why? Very few of us have the daintiness factor to walk well in them, either. Who wants to walk around with a cartoon bubble next to you going, *flap, flap, flap* or *clop, clop, clop* or *thwack, thwack, thwack* ??
We are not circus ponies. Nor are we members of a harem, with bejeweled little slippers that display the delicacy of our tiny toes and which inhibit us from running too fast. If I see you in those bling-encrusted flip-flops I’m going to pour ketchup on them and then run real fast away. And you won’t be able to catch me, because nyah, nyah, I’m the Gingerbread Man.
I am a big fan of walking, although I don’t do much of it in my real life. Ralph Waldo Emerson said that he and his daughter Ellen were “professors of walking,” and I have this romantic vision of myself sauntering all over my parish by foot and making pastoral visits with a walking cane in hand, but who am I kidding? I drive everywhere.
I drive everywhere because when I try to walk anywhere, I invariably wind up making a spastic leap into the nearest ditch when aggressive drivers get too close. Which they always do.
That said, Hafhida Sofia commented recently (in the post about Crocs, those fugly new additions to the Comfortable Shoe Market) that she used to walk 4-5 miles a day to work and now she doesn’t, because she can’t find appropriate shoes that will work for both the walk and for the workday.
We can’t have this!
Hafhida, my dove, take a look at this page and see if anything excites you:
http://www.onlineshoes.com/synopsispage.asp?type=style&styleid=2&stylecatid=361&gen=w
Granted, most of the offerings are a bit on the frumpy side, but those Keen Mary Janes could be very cute on you, and there are some clogs that might work as well. They have support, they’re cute ENOUGH, and you can wear them with skirts.
PeaceBang would like to say that although she is a deep and abiding believer in the power of Cute Shoes, she is an even more deeply abiding believer in the power of good health, which walking does promote even more than Cute Shoes.
That is, unless you have to scramble for the nearest ditch every thirty seconds as some caffeine-poisoned suburbanite screams by in her SUV.
NO, you may not wear Crocs:
Not unless your title is Minister of Landscaping or Lead Pastor For Volleyball.
Repeat after me: “Shoes are not all about my personal comfort. Shoes are not all about my personal comfort. Shoes are not all about my personal comfort.”
And as I’ve said before, just because Jesus wore sandals everywhere doesn’t mean they’re appropriate for ministers. You aren’t Jesus.
Now get out there and get some proper footwear, dammit.