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PEACEBANG’S FALL FASHION TIPS

Hello darlings!

I want you to take a deep breath with me and have faith that you will be your most beautiful, polished, gorgeous self as soon as it cools off a bit and you’re not simply trying to avoid becoming one big ball of perspiration by noon!

You CAN!

First, you have to buy a lot of fashion magazines like Vogue, Elle, and Lucky (“The Magazine About Shopping”) and spend some time with them while you sit and get a pedicure.

As soon as you’ve intently studied the photos, I want you to throw those fashion magazines across the room with all the force you’ve got in your dominant arm and cry gaily, “What a pile of sheer crap they’re showing this year!! I looked like hell in that garbage in the early 1980’s when it was the early 1980’s! Why on God’s earth would I repeat those mistakes, so much older and wiser am I!”

And you are, sweetpeas, you are!! You ARE so much older and wiser!

So PeaceBang is going to tell you what not to even CONSIDER purchasing this coming season.

PeaceBang’s Top Ten Incredibly Fashionable Items From the Fall 2006 Season That You Do Not Have To Own:

1. Super cropped jackets that cut you off at the bazoom.
2. Anything even remotely resembling knickers.
3. Leggings to wear under dresses. No. Do not fight me on this. We are religious leaders. We are not elementary school art teachers who can get away with baby doll dresses and leggings and slouchy boots. We can wear them on vacation.
4. Huge, dolman sleeve tops with a waistband around the posterior region.
5. Sleeveless, slope-shoulder sweaters. Let the youngsters try to look cute in that mess.
6. Cuffed jeans. Very chic. Not for you. Weekends only, and even then only with an insouciant air and cute shoes.
7. Socks with heels. My god, I get the heebie jeebies just saying it.
8. Extremely tapered “skinny jeans” or pants. Unless you’re incredibly tall and leggy and incredibly slim and chic. If not, no tapered trousers.
9. Anything a sickly canary yellow or bloody dead mahogany that gives you the complexion of a zombie and highlights every wrinkle and jowl.
10. Bulky knit turtlenecks. Unless you have the neck of a swan and the torso of a ballerina. If not, you’re just going to look like an upright mud turtle with no discernible bosom.
11. (Bonus!) White pumps.

PeaceBang’s Ten Incredibly Fashionable and Classic Items You SHOULD Have For the Fall:

1. A smart, classic bag for papers and your computer. Note that faux leather bags can be cleaned with Mr. Clean Erasers. Clean them. Toss old, raggedy items that aren’t leather. Dirty totes are OUT. Give them away. Knapsacks are OUT. Get a shoulder bag already. You’re not a student anymore. People shouldn’t want to pet you on the head and feed you a bologna sandwich when they see you.

2. One fabulous suit that has been purchased within the past decade and tailored to the body you’re in today, not twenty pounds ago. This is your “ret-to-go” suit for weddings, funerals, ordinations, special appearances, etc.
PeaceBang likes to pair hers with a big silk flower and a triple strand of pearls or, if she’s funking it up, a triple strand of turquoise.

3. A few accessories purchased with an eye to the latest fashion. Ex: delicious beads that you’ve tried on in the store to assure that they look good together (find a great looking young salesclerk and ask her to help you get “the look”), or for guys, an updated watch or cufflinks. Look in magazines for ideas. You should not be wearing accessories from thirty years ago. This is one certain way to date yourself and appear frumpy and out of it. Classic cameos from grandma don’t count, of course, as they’re always in fashion. Funk up the cameo with something more current, though, or risk looking too schoolmarmish.

4. Women, if you have nice legs, consider adding a pair of elegantly patterned hose to your wardrobe. Nothing too snazzy, but something beautiful to go under a tailored knee-length skirt. They are all the rage right now and one fun way to add a bit of high fashion to your look without making a big investment.

5. A good trench that we discussed earlier. No anoraks or pullover fleece at professional appearances!

6. A delicious scarf in a color that looks great on you. Long enough to wrap around your throat and tuck into the trench. If you live in a warmer climate, it can be silk, and warmer clime guys, you don’t need one.

7. A fantastic haircut, received after a serious consultation with a good stylist and a serious consideration of the pros and cons of your current ‘do. Men, this goes for you, too. Prepare to own a few hair products to maintain the ‘do, and don’t tell me you can’t manage it. You can. Tell the stylist what your life is like and he or she will style you according to the time you have to mess with it in the morning.

8. Women: a pair of beautiful pumps. Even a 1″ heel if you can possibly manage it. If you do nothing else this season to polish your professional image than to get yourself out of the permanent Bierkenstock look, do this. That goes for you, too, gents. Toss the Crocs! They’re hideous and inappropriate!

9. A perfect white blouse in some material that has shape and style to it. Men, you should have one or two pristine dress shirts in your closet, ironed and ready to go with a tie and slacks when you need them. Women, you should have at least one absolutely perfect, fitted white blouse (with a WAIST) to wear with elegant black trousers and interesting accessories. This outfit will save you again and again. Make sure it fits you well, that you can sit comfortably in it and not spill out anywhere, and that you check the rear view for “puppies.”
Have the sleeves altered if they’re too long, or find a 3/4 length sleeve.

10. Fabulous boots, if you can afford them. Or shine and re-sole the ones you have.
(For a fun, rubber-sole classic boot, I like the “Roby” style at MichelleD.com, $99. Bennetton is showing a lovely leather boot at $179, and Anne Klein has a gorgeous brown boot called “Culhane” with gold hardware detail for $189. For fans of Aerosole, they’ve got a really neat looking rubber soled black boot, “Ride Line” for $160. Boots are a major investment. If you obtain a classic pair and take care of them, you’ll have them for years.) Ladies, if you must wear flats, try to make it a boot. The flats they’re showing lately strike me as far too girlish and twee.

11. (Bonus!) A pair of totally flattering, perfectly tailored black trousers with a bit of stretch to them to help keep shape.

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Note From a Frustrated Conferee

I just received a rant from probably my best-dressed female colleague. She’s on the road, having just attended a professional conference for Unitarian Universalists.

Here she is, verbatim. Most of what she says, I’ve already written about. I have bolded her comments that had me pumping the air in a power salute or laughing out loud in appreciation:

My colleague writes,

1. Bra straps showing. I dont’ care if it is a young girl’s fashion statement–it looks smutty on young women and sloppy on older women. And girls–if you wear a white dress–don’t wear a black bra underneath. Hullo??!!!!

2. T-shirts. Never stand up in front of a congregation or lead worship in a t-shirt. I do not care if you got the t-shirt from last year’s conference. Fugetaboudit…

3. Baseball caps. Noted by my colleague in fashion as someone one should only wear at a BASEBALL game and maybe while running on an isolated running path through the woods where no one will see you.

4. Tennis shoes with skirts. Get comfortable shoes (see note 14 below) but for God’s sake, do not think you can get away with wearing tennis shoes with skirts. It just looks dumb. Are you planning on going running or are mopping the floor?

5. Elastic waistbands. Again–noted by my esteemed colleague in her blog, but no one looks good in elastic waistbands. Get it to fit.

6. Flip flops and Crocs. Just stop it, unless you are going from the garden to the garage, or the shower to the pool. I can’t see Crocs on people’s feet without seeing Jason’s Hocky mask in Friday the 13th.

7. Keane shoes. Yes, they may be comfortable, but they do look like rubber tires strapped on your feet. They make even the most petite feet look like water skis. Don’t succumb. [P.B. is busted on this one, but never wears here Keane’s in a ministerial setting.]

8. Tevas. They have their place–on the beach, or hiking. Not at a conference or on the streets of any city. [Amen, sister!! – P.B.]

9. Suspenders and the female equivalent, Overalls. Men–you can get away with wearing suspenders if you are William Jennings Bryan. Women–you can NEVER get away with wearing overalls. NEVER. Overalls are for farmers not for the feminine sex. And if you EVER wear them to a professional conference, you should be redirected to the Wheat and Corn Growers Conference in Iowa.

10. Aviator sunglasses. they may be coming back in style, but when combined with a comb-over (see below) they make you look like an extra from “Boogie Nights.” [P.B. notes that she refuses to date men who wear wrap-around sunglasses, and most especially the kind with the mirrored lenses. They are SO 80’s skeevy!]

11. Comb-overs and long grey hair on middle-aged men. This is the counterpart to PeaceBang’s admonition to “snip that pony tail!” Men, embrace your baldness. Take a tip from gay men and cut it hair short. You really aren’t fooling anyone because we see the back of your head, even if you can’t or don’t.

12. White knee socks. Usually worn with funky tennis shoes, this makes most men look like Humpty-Dumpty (especially when combined with a middle age belly).

13. Mullets. You would think this hairstyle has received enough bad press that it would be forever banished, but I saw the worlds longest mullet on a woman recently–short up front, long (to the waist) down the back. Why? what’s the point of that? Please–“cut that mullet!”

14. Sensible shoes. Why do women think there are no “sensible shoes” other than orthopedic shoes from “foot smart?” And then, to add insult to injury, coupling them with skirts, as if no one can see those shoes? There are amazingly cute, comfortable shoes, with no heels that actually work–check out the Skeechers website for example–troll through Zappos online, look at Ecco or other possibilities, but STOP BUYING SENSIBLE SHOES.

15. Wrinkled, rumpled anything. Most hotels have irons and ironing boards. Why do people show up to a professional conference as if they just slept in their car? If you are one of those people whose finances prohibt you from staying in a hotel, then I completely understand…rumple away. But for the rest—use the iron and maybe even include a bit of starch! Furthermore–if your wrinkled, faded t-shirt is stained or has even one hole…then for heaven’s sake–throw it out! [YES! If your t-shirt has a stain on it, even a small one, TOSS IT. Do NOT be tempted to wear it in public.]

16. Dog and Cat hair. I know all about your pets from the amount of hair on your black sweater. Let’s see–a long-haired white Angora; and that looks like Golden Retriever fur. There are simple things one can do in the absence of a lint brush–pick up some masking tape and blot your sweater–or better yet–don’t let your cat sleep on your laundry.

17. Facial Hair looks good on Santa Clause, but men, unless you are the real Grizzly Adams, trim your beard, your ear and nose hair–regularly. As we age, hair does pop up in more volumnious amounts and in strange places. Do not let the forest take over. Hack it back.

18. Pegged Jeans. You thought they looked good in the 80’s, did you? Now your middle aged body has spread so that the high-waist and skinny ankle jeans only serve to emphasis your rear end and belly. If you insist on wearing jeans, go for the lower waist and boot-cut length variety. Why women insist on wearing ankle-tight jeans that make their butts and bellies the prominent feature is beyond me. [As Emily Neill says in her book “Closet Smarts”, tapered pant legs don’t look good on anyone. Ignore the fact that they’re back in fashion.]

Well dear PeaceBang, thank you for being the sounding board for my frustration. Of course, I am hardly perfect myself, but honestly, there were so many very lovely, but sloppily dressed people at this conference, I just wondered–was I at a professional conference, or at summer camp?

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Does God Call Us To Comfort In Any Wise?

When I had gone fully into elastic waistbands and full, hempen floppy look during my ministry in Maryland, I believed that comfort came first. I am a strong feminist, and I knew I could look appropriate and professional in comfortable clothes.

I had a few really sharp items for appearances at the state house or into Washington, DC for political activism, or for guest lecturing or conferences. I didn’t feel that it was necessary to compete in any sartorial way with really put-together professional women. I was, after all, a minister. A spiritual leader. Why should I make an effort to project any image in particular?

I believe that it is a point of feminist pride for most women to say, “I value comfort over fashion.” I am definitely not knocking Zorra for saying this in a recent comment, but grateful to her for reminding me how often I hear this among the clergy, and how strongly I protest its underlying sense of superiority and difference from other public leaders.

Let me say something about feminism and comfort. I believe that women in powerful positions should look powerful, or at least in control of their image and mindful of it. I believe that women in ministry have huge issues with power — ambivalence about its appropriateness, in the first place — and reflect that in their comfy Mother Earth outfits.

I don’t believe that we do justice to our calling by looking intentionally unconcerned with the dictates of fashion.

Place a female executive and a female cleric side by side (or a male executive and a male cleric, for that matter), and see who looks ready to lead, to make decisions, to command respect, and to take responsibility. It won’t be the guy in the tie with the children’s hands motif. It won’t be the woman in the batik muu-muu with the enormous pendant, the floppy cotton pants, and the sandals, with the big scrubbed face and the flat, unstyled hair.

Ministers today tend to visually project comfort, giving church-goers and religious seekers the idea that religious life is unthreatening and that it will require nothing of them beyond a juice-and-cookies kind of warmth and fellowship.

I don’t think this does justice to our calling or to the urgent relevance we assign to an engaged religious life.

I made a conscious decision when I moved to Massachusetts to tighten up, to buy some belts and zip-button trousers, to find a tailor, to wear heels, to hold myself accountable to fit into clothes of a determinate size rather than fill my closet with fat-accomodating “comfortable” items. I still have plenty of comfortable things, and I don’t spend a lot of time dressing up for every day, but I’m so glad I caught myself before I became another projector of the Church-Is-Like-Going-To-Grandma-And-Grandpa’s image.

I think this issue is dead serious, so I’ll refrain from my usual PeaceBang snarkiness. My readers can flood the comments section with testimonials about the beauty of their batik muu-muu or the theological justification for their Birkenstocks, and that’s fine. I hear you. I know you, and I love you. But I am trying to change the tide here, and that’s not going to happen by our individual defense of what is currently a woefully dowdy group of people who have a woefully dowdy public image.

Simply put, I don’t believe God calls us to comfort in the work of ministry.

P.S. When you wear structured clothing on a regular basis, they become comfortable. I can walk just as briskly in a fitted skirt as I can in a huge A-line tent. It took some getting used to, and yes, I have to be more ladylike getting in and out of the car. That’s not a bad thing. Heels are comfortable now. I purchase them carefully, with an eye for comfort and swifness of movement, and I possess many pairs that I can spend the day in with no pain at all.

Best of all, when I’ve put some effort into my outfit, I can stand side by side with any public leader in any profession and feel an equal, not like the One So Holy She Is Beyond Fashion, which actually translates to other people as One So Out Of It She’s Dressed Like a Frump.

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Banish Elastic Waists!

L’il Flava just said something about Comfort Pants recommended by Caroline Divine with which I must concur:

“There’s comfort and then there’s schlummpage.”

Even in black, yoga or workout pants are not appropriate professional wear. Big, floppy cotton pants with no shape to them (and tapered ankles don’t count as “shape”) are one of the most obvious ways to separate frumpy from fab. I KNOW we all love our floppy cotton pants from Flax and other hempy companies. I’m just saying that they’re not doing anyone looking for a sharp look any favors.

Ladies, PeaceBang is a fat, short girl with short legs and a serious jungle pouch. It is hard work for her to find pants, but she works assiduously to avoid anything with an elastic waist and a huge, floppy cotton butt. She doesn’t always succeed, but dammit, she puts in the effort. She insists on wearing pants that button and zip because she knows that if she doesn’t, it’s too easy to become a big, soft marshmallow and flumf around in clothes resembling sweatsuits, with so much material that the tushie is all over the place and you can’t even find the thighs inside the legs of the pants.

As Sister of PeaceBang once said, “The bigger the shirt, the bigger the girl.” Her point was, “don’t try to hide a chunky body inside huge, shapeless garments. We all know it’s in there.”

Pants are notoriously hard to find and to fit. That’s why you should spend serious time and effort finding cuts that work for you, plan to get them tailored when necessary, and buy two or three pairs when you find some goodies.

P.S. Just because skinny jeans are totally in this year doesn’t mean you should wear them. Tapered legs are also very au courant, but if you’re not slim and long of leg, and have an otherwise very au courant wardrobe, don’t bother. Stay with the classics, and if you’re short and have chubby legs, stick with bootcut trousers.

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Will She Inspire You, Or Nurse You At Her Breast, Wipe Your Nose, and Feed You Mac And Cheese?

Clergywomen, when I talk in dire tones about jumpers, this is what I’m talking about.

churchmommy
This woman isn’t a minister, but you and I both know that plenty of our colleagues (and professional religious educators) have sported this Earth Mama look.

This jumper screams Romper Room circa 1975, and it’s just plain not an appropriate look for today’s religious leader. No, not even if it’s in corduroy. Not at all. Period. Not even if it’s in gold lamé.

Demons of your wardrobe begone!! Frumpy jumpers, by the power of Christ, I call you OUT of those closets!