Beauty Tips for Ministers

Scary Huge Eyelashes

scary huge eyelashes
Originally uploaded by Peacebang.

I knew it. I just knew it. I knew that all the recent obsession with big, feathery eyelashes would lead to this. Oh Lord, I knew it.

If I can trust my old eyes, I believe Miss Tyra Banks is wearing enormous false eyelashes on her upper AND lower lid. How can she even blink?

God’s All-Stars, even if you are preaching to a stadium of 40,000 people and will be filmed on a Jumbotron, will you make sure not to overdo the lashes like this? Only Tammy Faye gets to do this look.

Houston, We Have An Eyelash Situation

Houston, We Have An Eyelash Situation
Originally uploaded by Peacebang.

As you all know, PeaceBang thinks that the world needs a li’l bit of glamour, and believes that even clergypeople can partake in that. A red lipstick, a pair of flowing velvet trousers on an elegant lady reverend, a distinguished, well-manscaped beard on elder gentlman pastors… you know what I mean.

As PeaceBang is fond of saying, she was in the theatre long before she was in the church, and she retains an old fondness for false eyelashes — but never for church events. She procured a lovely pair of eyelashes from the Shu Uemura boutique in downtown Boston after a particularly odious professional engagement, and she likes to wear them to dinner parties and things of that nature. They are not potluck-friendly,

For those who would never dream of wearing false eyelashes, there are little eyelashes pieces one can easily add to the outer edges of the eye to open the eye, make them more visible from a distance (not a bad idea if you’re preaching at a big conference).

I do believe that our young friend Brandy in the photo is wearing a few individual falsies there, and PeaceBang is sorry to have to say that this is Not Going Well. Individual false lashes should look very natural, not as though a winged creature has just splatted onto one’s eyelid in an unfortunate accident.

If you have very short eyelashes and would like to see what an easy and dramatic difference falsies can make, darlings, just call me. Don’t call Brandy. She’s being charged with vehicular manslaughter anyway and won’t be able to get back to you. I, on the other hand, would be happy to help.

Matchy Matchy Eyeshadow, No No

matchy matchy eyeshadow
Originally uploaded by Peacebang.

Berrysmom asked in a recent comment, “How do I use eyeshadow? Do I match it to my clothes, or what?”

Berr, look at Beyonce over there. She’s a gorgeous kid, but it’s *so* 80’s for her to have a whole load of turquoise blue eyeshadow slathered all over her lids to match her turquoise blue gown.
I mean, she’s still gorgeous, but that look would be disastrous on you or me.

Eyeshadow should be, first and foremost, flattering to your coloring, not your garments. At our age (I’m over 40 and you’re over 50, B’s Mom), eye shadow isn’t about matching our gowns but about making our eyes deeper, more striking and more noticeable.

Use your own foundation as a base to erase shadows, then use a finger-shaped brush to apply a brightening base shade from lashes to eyebrow. Pencil in the eyebrows with a light feathery touch. Curl eyelashes, apply mascara, and you can be done for everyday. Of course PeaceBang almost always also uses liner.

PeaceBang owns a wide variety of eyeliners: black liquid, black liquid dramatic with a thicker brush, blue liquid, brown liquid, and smudgy pencils in gold-flecked brown, kohl black, midnight blue/purple/gray and shimmery white (for adding a spot of brightness to the inside corner of the eye, an old stage trick that helps eyes look farther apart). She loves her some eyeliner, but she’s been messing with it for decades and knows better now than to leave her eyes looking like they were outlined by some kid with a crayon. Blend, blend, blend!! If you’re wearing liquid liner… well, that’s an art form all its own. Maybe PeaceBang will produce a video on how to apply liquid eyeliner.

Your eyeshadows, Berrysmom, should be browns, taupes, and grays. You can experiment with how intensely to apply them based on how well-rested you are, what kind of look you’re going for, and what other colors will be close to your face, or on it.

Tip: Applying one solid eyeshadow color all over one’s lid and up into the crease is a surefire way to make your eyes look much smaller. The only way to counteract that effect is to wear enormous false eyelashes like Miss Knowles is in the photo. And methinks that big fluttery falsies in the ministry would be just a wee bit over-dramatic, non?

More On Skin

The Baptized Pagan wrote the following which was so terrific I didn’t want it to get buried in old comments:

“Just back from the AAR, where Peacebang’s recommendation of the Origins No Puffery mask saved me a couple of times after nights that continued a little too long…One other product for men with acne that has been a godsend, in addition to washing, toning, and moisturizing, has been applying a moisturizer with salicylic acid right in it. I use Kiehl’s blue herbal moisturizer…expensive, but I haven’t been able to find anything else. For those of you with dry or normal skin, it might be a little too much, but if you’ve been fighting off acne since the first days of puberty, it’s a great product for daily use.”

Thanks for letting us know, BP! I couldn’t agree more on Kiehl’s products, and your tip about moisturizing with salicylic acid is a good one (although the very thought of putting ACID on one’s face always scares me; couldn’t they have called it something cuter?). Sometimes boys and girls with oily skins and acne avoid moisturizing because they think it will make them more oily, but that’s just not true. I swear it on a stack of Bibles.

Speaking of what’s just not true, don’t you love it when you browse in a skin care-oriented store or cosmetics counter and the gal or guy shilling the stuff says, “That’s the one I use” about whatever product you’re holding? It’s practically a MIRACLE how often this has happened to me! Why, if I was a less trusting person, I might begin to think that perhaps that salesperson is just outright lying their head off in order to persuade me to buy that product! The thing is, what makes them think that just because they use it, I’m a-gonna buy it? Do we have the SAME FACE or something?

Yesterday I was replenishing my skin care products at Origins and as per usual, squinting at the tiny print on every product in the store looking for ideas for my cher readers. A little girl, couldn’t have been more than 22, zoomed over to extol the virtues of the new Youthtopia moisturizer that she uses herself, made with Siberian fir trees called Rhodiola or something (I’m not making this up, you have to read about it here because it’s hilarious: http://tinyurl.com/wgtwr).

I couldn’t help it; I started cracking up. She was jabbering on and on so I put my hand on her arm. I said, “Sweetie, you’re half my age. You can’t possibly be using this old lady cream.”

Without missing a beat, she said, “But I do! I use it for here,” and with that, she touched herself under her youthfully firm chin as if to indicate some kind of sagging problem.

I said, “Well you know what. I’m just depressed now. You just totally depressed me. I have three chins and I wouldn’t buy this stuff. Please just tell me you’re being a really good salesgirl and that you don’t actually believe you need an anti-aging regimen at your age.”

Ever the pro, she said, “It’s all about being pro-active!”

Bless her little young heart. I bought my two things, stocked up on thousands of samples, and went to drown my sorrows by walking slowly through the Body Shop inhaling deeply of profoundly over-scented products.

Cargo Eyeshadow: An Epiphany For Under $20!

Good morning, my bright-eyed peace doves!

PeaceBang has finally, finally located the perfect eyeshadow that can be worn alone to wake up the entire eye, and looks smashingly beautiful with eyeliner.

This was the eyeshadow version of the Quest For the Holy Grail. PeaceBang has purchased promising looking shadows that turned out to be too disco-sparkly, too glimmery-Tinkerbellish, too pinky, too deadeningly white, too goldy, too silvery, too sloppy to apply, to whimpy to last for more than an hour, too greasy, too dry — why, PeaceBang has been like Goldilocks, looking for that shadow that’s (teeny weeny voice) just right.

PeaceBang believes this new shade would look lovely on a variety of skin colors, from very light to very dark, but as in all things, it may not be for you.

This is PeaceBang’s daily basic “wake up the eye without looking like you’re wearing eyeshadow” eyeshadow. It should be applied with a fluffy finger-shaped brush, as it will probably come out too glimmery if applied with a sponge applicator. It’s delicious stuff.

PeaceBang Recommends:

Cargo eyeshadow in “Bermuda”
Available at Sephora

Eye Gel and Sheen and Shiny

Kiehl’s Eye Stuff
Originally uploaded by Peacebang.

A testimonial!

After a night of heavy petting with a bag of SmartFood Popcorn, I awoke this morning to horribly puffy bags under my eyes.

I wouldn’t have cared, but I had a presentation later in the afternoon, so I cared.

I used my usual Kiehl’s Ultra-Protection Moisturizing Eye Gel and voila! No more puff, and I had a nice healthy sheen under the eye area to distract from my sallow visage. You think this stuff is expensive at $30, but I’m telling you, it lasts for thousands of months.

I do notice as the light changes and casts more shadows that I become distinctly jowly and gray-tinged. Darlings,I RELY on my brightening powders and sheen-enhancing products!

I saw a particularly gorgeous item of the seminarian kind the other night from across the room and noticed that her lips looked small and set in a firm, stern line. How strange! She of the ebullient smile and pretty prettiness! Upon closer inspection later, I saw that she was wearing a deep berry color lipstick that was applied *not quite* all over her lip, and it had dried, giving her a much smaller lip area than she actually had.

This doesn’t matter at all, except when you’re speaking in public and you want to consider how well folks can see your features. Our lips do lose collagen and get thinner as we age, so heck, no use ageing yourself unnecessarily by coloring inside the lines. Just promise me you won’t go puffing yourself up with collagen injections like those Hollywood starlets who look as though they’ve been whacked repeatedly in the mouth with a pingpong paddle.

And if you wear one of those stay-all-day lipcolors (which PeaceBang certainly does), use that moisturizing topcoat!

A special “hello” to my new friend and reader from Cambridge — who looked so beautiful and professional today in a lovely black suit, neutral open-weave sweater and GORGEOUS gold necklace — and to the ANTS fan known as “my cubicle-mate.” Thanks for reading!