Hair Accessories?

I pause in my Sabbath preparations to ask the PeaceBangers of Beauty:

What hair accessories are appropriate and inappropriate for women of the cloth?

Plastic banana clips – tacky and 1980’s.
Headbands — can be lovely, can be too Alice In Wonderlandy.
Cute barrettes in short hair — nice if you’re under 30, and then only off-duty
Nice barrettes in long hair — just fine
Bobby pins — not if they’re visible! For the love of God! (Reminding PB of the time she watched a senior female colleague preaching with lank, grey hair held back by at least 20 bobby pins that glinted every time she turned her head)
Vaguely ethnic cotton headwrap – fine if you do it neatly, but it should be a comfortable, confident part of your “look”

Comments? Opinions? Thoughts on hair management in the pulpit?

PeaceBang recommends:
Aveda Firmata hairspray

The Girls Need Your Attention, Too

Ladies, it falls to me to bring up a delicate subject of what my friend Peter calls “breasteses.”

Simply this: we have two breasts, not one large shelf of Breast, a pitiable condition sometimes known as “monoboob.” There are plenty of ways to amp up your bust without going under the knife. Here is where breast enlargement creams can help you. Please guard against Monoboob. Your bra should have two clearly distinguishable cups, not one sling-type operation. The latter option is only acceptable in a sports bra, and we don’t wear our sports bra out of the gym or the hiking trail (unless it’s under a fitted blazer, in which case you can generally get away with it).

Also, ladies: we generally have two breasts, not four. Look in the mirror. Are there two small puppies straining over the cups of your bra to get out? If so, you need a new bra. Don’t be afraid to get fitted for one. I had it done last week and found out I’d been wearing a size too large. Quelle horror!

(Please do not laugh at the irony that all my work-outs are actually reducing the one part of my body I don’t mind being voluptuous.)

On a more serious note, do check to see that your blouse doesn’t gap in the front, thus distracting your congregants to existential ponderings about the exact nature of Victoria’s Secret. Just because it’s unconsciously inappropriate behavior doesn’t make it acceptable inappropriate behavior. Try not to commit this indiscretion, especially not during pastoral counseling.

On a truly serious note, don’t forget to do your breast self-checks on a regular basis and to schedule your annual mammogram. I know it pinches, darling, and I hate that sourpuss woman who refuses to laugh at any of my jokes just as much as you do. Just go.

It’s Springtime: Lighten Up

I know it sounds silly but do consider your make-up and hair in the light of the new season, and I mean that literally.

As the sun gets stronger, those of you wearing dark lipsticks. eyeliners and heavy matte foundations with powder should be trading in for dewy skin, creme blushes, and sheerer lipcolor.

If you have colored hair, make sure the highlights are blended: the dramatic streak thing is okay for the winter (even though chunky highlights are OUT) but not appropriate for the brighter lights of spring and summer. Soften it and you’ll look rosier, I promise.

It’s a great time of year for a facial, and it’s a great idea to do your face and then take a mirror outside into direct sunlight. Like what you see? If not, adjust as necessary.

And don’t forget to throw out all of last year’s SPF products and start using protective moisturizer every day RELIGIOUSLY, which you should be doing all the time anyway. Use a dollop the size of a quarter since the manufacturers tell us constantly that we’re NOT USING ENOUGH for the product to work effectively. Give it time to set before using make-up, and as I said in an earlier post, do not depend on SPF in your make-up to provide adequate protection from the rays.

And get yourself a cheap pair of those fabulous big movie star sunglasses. They’ll add some pizzazz to your navy suit. You might tie a fun scarf around that bag of yours, too, and NO KNAPSACKS unless you’re in high school. Le Sport Sac products are distinctively frumpy, too. They have no shape, sweetheart, and shapeless bags don’t do anything for your own shape.

PeaceBang recommends: Last season’s Nine West bags, always on sale at TJ Maxx and Marshalls. Liz Claiborne makes a nice smart bag, too. And just LOOK at all these darling handbags on sale for under $10 at Target!!

Rimmel Vinyl Outslumps PeaceBang!

I must admit to you, Beauty Bangers, that I had a post-Easter slump where I could not be depended upon to bother with eyeliner, let alone styled hair and accessorized outfits. This happens very rarely during the church program year, but it did happen. Perhaps it’s a by-product of having turned 40 and spending a lot more time saying, “Oh for heaven’s sake, no one cares.”

It’s been Pants-And-A-Shirt, and Pants-And-A-Shirt, and little silver hoops and just my regular lipcolor (you know what it is: say it all together now… Cover Girl AllStay Outlast in Blush Pearl! I bought six last week so let me know if you need me to send you one).
I even decided to cut all my nails off since I’m taking BANJO lessons and I just can’t have nails. I guess if all the girls from “Sex and the City” don’t bother with manicures — and have you seen Sarah Jessica Parker’s positively mannish hands? — I can let my stubby grubbies go unpolished, too.

Speaking of which, a French polish is NEVER NEVER EVER okay on your toenails. Not even on your wedding day. Okay? French manicures are outre as it is, but I still like them as they’re pretty and so clean looking, but NEVER on the toes. I applaud your desire for a pedicure, but you want a nice neutral like Samoan Sand or Bubble Bath by O.P.I., and believe me, every nail shop in America has it in stock. If you’re pastoring a liberal congregation, by all means get Dutch Tulip or Chick Flick Cherry or Kennebunk-port. I think “I’m Not Really A Waitress” is too racy for a minister of any denomination, although you can get away with it on your nails at Christmastime, if you keep your nails short.

So where was I?
Oh, yes.
Well, I was slogging along in my grey sweatjacket and jeans and grey Merrill moccasins today having just frumped off the train after a five hour ride, and I stopped at the store for some kitty litter. They just happened to have Rimmel products in the cosmetics section (PeaceBang NEVER foregos a visit to the cosmetics section!) and I got four Rimmel lip glosses from the Vinyl Lip line.
They’re less then $4 each, and they make me happy. So there.

I just have to say that the shade “Fantastic” is the cutest ever, shiny and peachy and with enough coverage to just brighten up your face. You’ll be all smiles, and who wouldn’t want that?

PeaceBang recommends: Rimmel Vinyl Lip Color in “Fantastic”
O.P.I. nail polish in Samoan Sand or Bubble Bath


L’il Flava (my 5’1″ Asian-American Catholic theologian bud from NYC) called from South Bend, Indiana with this to say:

“Catholic religious: making the world safe for cowlicks.”

C’mon, kids, all it takes is a little bit of product.

To which Flava says, “if you’re ethnic, don’t fight the hair. Work with the hair.”

What I want to know is, why in the world would anyone be in South Bend, Indiana??