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Bathing Suits And You

What, oh what does the discerning pastor wear to the church pool party?

NOT, as one wise reader has determined, a bathing suit.

God, no.

Darling dears, we all know that bodies are beautiful. We all know that God loves our bodies as they are, and wants us to take care of them and be good stewards of them. In the best of all possible worlds, we could just strip down to our bikinis in front of our congregants and just be regarded as another healthy body that God hath fearfully and wonderfully made.

However, in case you haven’t noticed, we don’t live in the best of all possible worlds. We live, in fact, in a clergy generation that must be incredibly sensitive to boundary issues. Therefore, walking around scantily clad for any reason is not advisable for men and women of the cloth.

PeaceBang got herself into quite a little mess around this issue when she was cast as Miss Hannigan in a recent production of “Annie” and found herself arguing with her director about one of her first act costumes. Much against her will, even though the show was on a stage 30 minutes away from her town, PeaceBang did appear in a very flimsy outfit, including thigh-high stockings and a garter belt. She did have the benefit of a robe to cover herself, but I’m afraid that cleavage was very much in evidence, as was leg. Her only consolation was that the lights were very low in the scene, and that she was playing a hugely comic role. Still, if she didn’t have a fantastic congregation full of mature, understanding people who themselves adore the musical theatre and fully support her in playing singing and dancing alcoholic child abusers, she might have caused a bit of a scandal. She is seriously grateful that her people who attended the show were right proud of her, and made sure to say so. If any of their estimation of her was lowered by that outfit, PeaceBang has to accept those consequences.

Phew. You can tell that PeaceBang still has some residual anxiety about that one, can’t you? Next time she does a show she will definitely put a costume clause in her contract.

ANYway, my modest cupcakes, while men may be able to appear in swimming trunks and still maintain a modicum of dignity wet and half-nekkid, PeaceBang doesn’t recommend it for ladies or gentlemen. It’s not just about dignity, but about sexuality, I’m afraid, and about boundaries. If you’re splashing around in the pool, how can you have that nice conversation with that shy person who’s been waiting for just the right time to sidle up to you and let you know that he really appreciated your sermon on depression, and that he has seen a doctor, and that he is on medication and he thanks you for tackling such a difficult subject from the pulpit?
How are you going to keep that kid from the youth group or that new member who has a crush on you from fixating on your bosom, your pecs, or your belly button? Do you really want to invite that kind of fantasy? Wouldn’t it be more appropriate and less fraught to stay poolside in a charming floppy hat and toss the Frisbee back when it goes out of bounds?

I think the pastor’s role at a pool party is to stay dry and smiley, to enjoy the frolicking of her people, and to sip non-alcoholic beverages and chuckle at Bill’s imitation of a porpoise, or to applaud Timmy’s belly flop from the diving board. If you’ve been invited to vacation with parishioners or to use their pool — or if you’re in a bathing suit for a water aerobics class, that’s different. Wear your one piece tank with impunity and enjoy the water.

If you should be wearing a highly unflattering bathing ensemble at a public beach and happen to run into a parishioner while you’re innocently floating on the waves, don’t fret. You’re entitled to get your bod out there in the sunshine,too, and if you are seen by one of your flock, smile and make the best of it. Just think: you’ve provided them with a mental image that may get them through their next scary speaking engagement!

Age is an important factor here, too. You may think, “Heck, I’m so old no one’s going to get swoony at the sight of my worn out old bod.” Maybe that’s true. Maybe not. However, if you don’t mind congregants worrying about the moles on your back (are they pre-cancerous? Shouldn’t he have those checked out?), noticing just how much weight you’ve gained (gosh, I never noticed how big her thighs are! You just can’t tell under her robe!), or finding the sunken chest of their formerly young and virile pastor a little bit sad, by all means, do parade around in the all-and-all. Just know that you can never get that privacy back once you’ve given it away.

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"Closet Smarts" Is Out!!

My beautiful fashion diva friend Emily Neill has published a new book called Closet Smarts that I have yet to see, but am sure is full of terrific advice and counsel, because Emily herself is full of terrific advice and counsel. I saw her on the street a few months ago and she paid me a huge compliment about my outfit, which was simply that I know how to dress. This kind of affirmation from a pro warms the cockles of PeaceBang’s little heart.

Here is a link to Emily’s web site, which includes a link to her fashion blog:

http://www.closetsmarts.com/

Having skimmed through Emily’s blog, I can tell you that she’s way more sexy, fashionable and trim than the average clergy gal of MY acquaintance but it’s still fun to see the looks she puts together. Lots of glamor, lots of bare arms and shiny things we wouldn’t wear as clergy, but still fun. She is one of those urban chic contemporary babes you see in the window of the most tony new bar, throwing back a martini and laughing wickedly as you trudge by in your Land’s End A-line skirt feeling terribly dowdy in comparison.

But don’t!! We cannot have that! Emily has her master’s degree from none other than Harvard Divinity School, so even though she’s sleek and elegant as hell, she is a sister in faith and this is her calling.

So buy her book, read her blog, and let her inspire you out of that Land’s End A-line denim skirt and into a much more flattering pencil skirt. Or if you’re a chubby gal, like PeaceBang, into a knee-length tulip skirt that shows off your great legs and highlights your wonderful ankle-strap pumps.

Think you can’t rock it with your lumpy physique? Sure you can. You just need to hold everything in with appropriately constraining undergarments (and I’m talking bigger guns than just control top pantyhose, girls) and top it all off with a flattering blazer and collared shirt. Trust me. Would I lie to you? And who says you can’t discuss liturgy in ankle-strap pumps?

Go buy “Closet Smarts.” Let me know how much you love it, and I’ll let Emily know. We’re due to throw back some martinis and laugh wickedly in some tony joint soon. I think I’ll wear a big, long Land’s End A-line denim skirt just to give her a kick.

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Shout-Out To My Gnostic Posse

It has come to my attention that a cadre of Gnostics are readers of this blog, and occasionally contribute fabulous comments.

PeaceBang would like to extend a special hello to the Gnostic babes out there while admitting to them that she is woefully untutored on the basics of their beliefs, and begs their forgiveness in advance if she accidentally reveals her ignorance in future posts.

In the meantime, she will try to visit some of their sites and wrap her mind around their philosophy, but isn’t promising to understand very much.

That’s all, and good night Gnostics and everyone else.