Posted on

He Can Run, But He Cannot Hide

I have an adorable colleague who has a ponytail I’d like to wack and a pair of spectacles I am BOUND AND DETERMINED to donate to the Lion’s Club. It’s gotten to the point where we start cracking up pretty much the moment we see each other, because he knows just what I’m thinking and he also knows I will not rest until I am triumphant in this crusade.

Just wait ’til I get his partner involved. Your time is limited, Mister. You can run but you cannot hide.

He has this great long, kind of craggy face –it’s actually not craggy yet but it will be wonderfully so in about 15 years. He’s one of those rotten no-goodniks who’s actually going to look better as he ages. And he needs new spectacles that don’t take up half his great craggy face. I can just see him in new frames, and it’s just going to be revolutionary cuteness.

What’s with these people who dare to get more attractive as they age while I am valiantly fighting off jowls and grandmotherly upper arms? I have a 60-something year old retired colleague who, damn him, looks younger now than he did ten years ago. As much as I love him,
I know that he uses no skin products whatsoever and that his only real beauty regime is to regularly imbibe good Scotch. I cry out to the Lord in my bitterness and envy. Lord, hear my prayer.

Posted on

PeaceBang in St. Louis

Darlings! I write you from General Assembly at St. Louis, where we are assiduously taking photos of the worst fashion offenders.

Next year I vow to bring a Ponytail Patrol with me. It needs to be two people, at least: one to come up behind the victim and gently push his face down, and a second to have the scissors at the ready.

Last night in the bar there was a fellow sitting across from me who had not only a scraggly ponytail in the back, but a twisted 13″ beard hanging off his chin. I was transfixed with horror.

Ta ta for now, loveys. Miss you. The humidity here is TERRIBLE for the frizzies! Good thing I have some Sebastian “Wired” product that locks in curl and shine!

Posted on

Various and Sundry: Bangs, Bags and "Idol"

Concerning Lisa Welchel’s hair in the photo below, her side-swept bangs are TOTALLY fashionable right now, and look good on every shape face!

I’m seeing an awful lot of bedraggled hair hanging limply over high, shiny foreheads, gals. Today I saw a Unitarian Universalist shopping for clothes who had at least three inches of grey roots, which made her look unfortunately striped. It was so not a good look. I identified her as a co-religionist because she was carrying, as a bag, one of those freebie give-away totes from a conference.

Do I really have to say that those bags are really not to be used as BAGS?
This is a bag:
bag
(Nine West $29)

Okay, don’t get me started on that and on mullets.
I’m trying to go to bed early tonight. I’m still trying to get over that atrocious dress Katherine McPhee wore on “American Idol” tonight when she and Taylor positively butchered “I Had The Time of My Life.” Miss McPhee: (1) a lady doesn’t bounce and prance while wearing a satin gown with a train. (2) That color is from hunger.

Mandisa, girl, I feel for you in that shapeless red dress they put you in. Just be assured that you so commanded respect anyway.

Posted on

I See London, I See France

Glory asks about the touchy moment when we are treated to a view of a colleague’s panties through a light colored pair of trousers.

After PeaceBang is able to take her hand away from her mouth in horror, she will respond to this question.

I’ll get back to you as soon as I can.

:::one hour later:::

Okay, I’m back.

People of the cloth, it is imperative that we speak the truth in love to one another about our fashion faux pas. The evident panty line or visible posterior of one brother or sister in the ministry is a blushing embarrassment for all of us. There are already too many buffoon clergy characters in our literary and cultural history — we can’t afford any more in our own day and time.

When you see an egregious violation of sartorial appropriateness, you must speak up. Say something like, “Your words were really inspiring, but I’m sure you never intended to upstage yourself by treating us all to a view of your skivvies.”

Or, “I wonder if any of the congregation were able to attend properly to your sermon after having seen the whole of your bazoom when you leaned over to tell the children’s story. I’m sure you had no idea, but my dear, lean forward right now and let me show right here in the powder room mirror.”

Or, “My dear and reverend sir, I commend you for showing up to build the Habitat house. However, let me recommend to you that before you leave the house for such good Christian endeavors, that you squat in your pants to check the fit. Having hammered shingles below you for an hour, I feel especially qualified to give you this advice.”

Use humor, but be direct. Speak your piece and then beat a hasty retreat with a kind handclasp or encouraging hand on the shoulder. When appropriate, make recommendations. I would be so grateful if colleagues would help one another in this wise instead of remaining silently horrified. I live in constant fear that my clothes are pulling in the back or the front in ways that I can’t see, and making me look like a sausage wrapped in casing (because I think overly large, formless clothes are the ugliest possible way to deal with a plump figure). I would so appreciate it if someone took me aside and said, “Love the blazer, PeaceBang, but there’s a bit of an unfortunate tailoring here at the back that I know you can’t see.”

I mean, heavens… even with the constricting undergarments, the primping, the clothes, the make-up and the hair products, we’re all still subject to fashion mistakes.

Also see #6 On The Booger Patrol here :
http://beautytipsforministers.blogspot.com/2006/04/make-up-tips-part-i.html#links