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I Did Not Make This Up

Do you see this?

chickenbag (2)

DO YOU SEE THIS?

Do you see my colleague defensively cuddling his CHICKEN BAG? Do you see the accusing finger pointing at his CHICKEN BAG?
That finger doesn’t even belong to me. It belongs to one of my flying monkeys whose job it is to spy for me, and to report back on things like CHICKEN BAGS.

Don’t go telling me that this minister is young and cute and hip and he can get away with it. That isn’t the POINT!!

It’s a BAG shaped like a CHICKEN! He had things IN IT and was WEARING IT over his SHOULDER in PUBLIC!

I REALIZE that I was once seen on the crosstown bus in Washington, DC with Boy In The Bands wearing a stuffed monkey around my neck that screeched when you pressed its tummy, but that was on MY DAY OFF.

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Rev. Peck’s Bad Boy

Do you know why this adorable minister (whose age you will NEVER guess, not even if I give you five free tries) is wearing this ridiculous chapeau?
Rev. Peck's Bad Boy

Mostly because he was joking around, but since there may be a minister or priest out there wearing a sideways baseball cap in perfect seriousness, I feel I must comment.

Since I deeply love and admire this colleague (and look how cute he is without the cap!), I begged him for a real explanation. I knew there must be one, or I would be compelled to snatch the offending item off his head and run as fast as my 3″ wedge sandals would take me.

My colleague refused to be intimidated by my line of questioning. He told me with a great twinkle in his eye that he wore the cap sideways because if wore the bill in front, it would interfere with his ability to HUG people! And then he demonstrated a hug both ways. PeaceBang was left to conclude that yes, it is impossible to properlty hug someone when wearing a baseball cap as it should be worn. Which persuaded her that in fact, baseball caps should just not be worn. Period. Ever.
Only if you’re kidding, and only for a few minutes even then.

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Hats and Crowns

I have a colleague who originates from the South who is sort of famous for wearing hats at General Assembly. I also have a lay friend from the sort-of-South who also wears hats every day at GA, and I don’t mean a sun visor or baseball cap, I mean a HAT.

I think this is rather fabulous, and I am wondering if summer church-goers wear hats where any of you are, and if any preacher ladies wear them in the pulpit. Is this a trend in any of the churches? Would it be appropriate to preach in a hat? I should think that it would be, given Paul’s sniffy little comment about women covering their heads in church. I imagine a suit and hat would serve as terrific summer preaching wear. I am guessing that a marvelous chapeau might even lift a mediocre sermon into the realm of the transcendent.

One of my favorite books is called Crowns and is a photographic study of African-American church ladies and their hats:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0385500866/104-3906896-5398321?v=glance&n=283155
The women in the photos were also interviewed for the book and their words grace the pages opposite their photos. Any Fashionista for God should read every word of this book, for not only is it delightful and funny, it also provides a fabulous theology for why we should dress up when doing the Lord’s work.

PeaceBang’s grandmother Minnette was a rather famous and beloved milliner in the 1940’s and 50’s, so loving chapeaus is in her blood.

Remember in the acerbic and genius song, “The Ladies Who Lunch” from Stephen Sondheim’s “Company” when the drunken Joanne sings, “Does anyone… still wear… a HAT?” Remember that?
Joanne, my poor gin-soaked friend, they do. They do, and they should.

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Alpaca Shawls

Here’s a link to alpaca shawls, which make me itchy but which might just be the thing for you to snazz up a simple outfit of a beautifully pressed white shirt and a simple skirt or trousers. I see it with big, FASHIONABLE chunky jewelry (not the crap you got at the church fair in 1978, and yes, I can tell the difference), and a small handbag. You can’t sling a big old purse over this. It won’t work, because you’ll just look like a deranged sherpa:

http://tinyurl.com/rl764

Now, I love what the model has done with the shawl. I want to know how to do that. If I knew how to do that, I would cover my horrendible upper arms with a light cotton shawl every day of the summer. Even in the swimming pool.

Of course you shouldn’t wear a midriff-bearing t-shirt like she’s wearing, or low-rise jeans. But the shawls are neat. You could wear one to the office for a meeting on the hottest days with a sleeveless shell underneath. But only if you have the flair and know-how to pull it off and don’t wind up looking like you came to church helplessly tangled in your bedsheets.

I don’t know if this company pays slave wages or anything. You’d have to ask.

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Why You Need A Trench

When you get your M.Div and are on your way to ordained ministry, make a bee-line for your nearest London Fog outlet and get yourself a fine trench coat in a neutral color. Get one that you love, because it’s never going out of style and it will be a staple of your professional wardrobe until you behold God on your day of glory.

Say you have to make an appearance at a meeting but you’re on your way to a date in the city and don’t want people whispering about your little sexy dress. Leave your stilettoes and big earrings in the car, slip on a pair of sensible shoes, and appear in your trenchcoat. You’re just stopping by, so it’s a perfectly reasonable look.

Say it’s pouring out and you’ve got to go from the church funeral to the cemetery to do the graveside service. Wear your trench, button it up, and you’re appropriately dressed. Do not wear a hat. You don’t need to shiver in your street clothes, nor do you have to get your vestments soaked while some poor schnook from the funeral home tries to keep you dry under an umbrella. Wear your trench and stand under the canopy. If you do get splashed, you won’t look bedraggled. You will maintain proper clerical decorum in your trench. And no, for the love of Erasmus, don’t put a stole over it. Everyone just attended the funeral. They know you’re the presiding minister. Leave the stole OFF.

There are special fancy capes that clergy can wear, but although Boy in the Bands will disagree with me, I tend to think they suit Roman archbishops and cardinals fairly well but they’re just a bit too High Priestly Drag for the average Protestant clergyperson.

Say you get invited to a snazzy affair with lots of bigwigs. All the men and women there will be wearing ermine-lined coats and mink stoles. You wear something simple and elegant and your trench. A trench is always presentable. Don’t try to dress it up with a Burberry’s knock-off scarf from Filenes: the Rich Will Know. You’re a minister. You are storing up your treasures in heaven. Leave your trench as it is and be the somber, yet unchastising, silent reminder that you can’t take it with you.

Say you are going from a wedding to a rehearsal dinner. You think you can wear your Land’s End windbreaker because you’re just walking into the building, for heaven’s sake! Can’t you wear your Land’s End windbreaker?

No, you can’t. You are going to a formal affair. You will be going to many formal affairs in your life as a minister. You may not wear a windbreaker or a polar fleece zip-up or that big warm poncho you got on a mission trip to Chiapas. You need a coat, not a parka, and it needs to be appropriate.

Try to obtain the finest trenchcoat you can afford. The belted style looks good on almost everyone and gentlemen, it should NOT BE TOO SMALL. There is nothing that bespeaks poverty so quickly as a skin tight trenchcoat with too-short arms on a frail elderly man. It makes me want to cry.
Have someone help you with the fit. Make sure it’s neither too long nor too short.

If you live in a colder climate, get a trench with a removable lining.

Cover yourself appropriately or don’t cover yourself at all and risk the frostbite, I say!
Ladies, I adore the cute little trenches we’re seeing now in lime green and bright pink. They’re affordable and they’re darling. Have fun with them, but please, not for a graveside service.

trenchcoat