When Colors Don’t Work

Having been appalled at the atrocities in the Newport News online catalog, I tried another purveyor of decent, affordable basics, Chadwick’s.

A bit better, but why do they do this?


They offer a perfectly presentable summer blazer: cut, fine, price, fine. And the bloody thing is only available in the most awful colors imaginable: nasty, cheap yellow, garish blues, eye-bloodying pinks, gag-inducing floral.

A general rule: keep bright colors as accents, not the main focus. If you find a garment you love in a bright color, that’s fine but make sure it’s rich and not chintzy, vibrant and not garish, and that you wear appropriately scaled accessories to stand up to it. No bright pink dresses with little tiny gold chain necklaces and earrings. Rock out some big beads, make it bold on purpose.

Tip: Bright colors on inexpensive fabrics = cheap looking clothes. If you’re a budget shopper, best to stay with neutrals and splurge on a gorgeous, rich colored accents.


Ponchos: A Fleeting Moment of Bad Taste

I have mixed feelings about ponchos. On one hand, they allow women of size to feel drapey and glamorous in an unstructured, won’t-cling-to-chub manner.

On the other hand, they’re shapeless and heinous and their fifteen minutes of fame is well over. I saw some at a big church event in town tonight and honey, can you hear me say “AMEN?”

PeaceBang has one beautiful silk poncho that she wears in the summer with bootcut jeans and *very* high sandals and since her arms are free she feels not as shapeless as she otherwise would have been. She slathers on silvery make-up and wears big hair and big earrings, but she’s still not sure if she can get one more season out of the thing. Plus, this poncho comes dangerously close to the batik muu-muu that she has promised a close chum she will never wear, never, ever ever, and especially not while riding around a convention center on an Extremely Fat Person scooter at GA.*

Please, ladies and gentlemen, no
ambiguous crocheted “things”
unless they’re timeless, well-made pieces (think British woman walking on the heath in her woolen shawl) or you’re tall and striking enough a character to make a statement with it. If you can work the big wrap, sweetheart, work it! By all means. But it takes effort and strategy; these things don’t just succeed on their own.

P.S. Crocheted items are almost always ugly, shapeless and inevitably cheap looking, no matter how much they cost. They are not, contrary to what the lady at Dress Barn told you, “feminine and springy.” They are very fashionable this year. Caveat emptor.

* Please don’t get your collective dander up about the Fat Person Scooters. I know full well that some people with disabilities use them to get around. I also know from first-hand knowledge that in some cases the user of the scooter’s only disability is obesity. And as a Woman of Considerable Girth, it is my personal goal never to require motorized transportation for reasons of fatness only. Time may conspire to deprive us of the ability to walk at a brisk pace no matter what we do– but one of the ways we may keep our ability to walk at a brisk pace is to walk at a brisk pace!
PeaceBang is making it one of her life goals to not have to ride a scooter around GA. She has nothing against those who do, except when they yell “beep beep” and run conferees down on the way to the Service of the Living Tradition.

Cream, Ivory, White, Tan And Khaki

PeaceBang has noticed that a lot of men and women are walking around in neutral colors that look like hell on them.

A tip: When choosing neutral colored shirts and blazers, do bother to try the thing on for color. Tan is almost universally ugly on all skin tones. I don’t care if it’s on sale and it will “go with everything.” Put it back. It doesn’t “go” with your skin tone.

Darlings, trust me when I say it’s worth the wait to to find the right creamy ivory or gentle pink-tinged white that will brighten you up every time you wear your garment.

And don’t even think of wearing bright white without a little bit of make-up and hair do. Gentlemen, if you wear bright white, make sure you’re devastatingly well-groomed and shaved. White brings out every blotchiness and five o’clock shadow. Wearers of white must needs be crisp, crisp, crisp.