Summer Ministry Garb And Fake Tans

C. writes asking what to wear when leading worship in un-air-conditioned sanctuary over the summer. She votes “nay” on a robe, saying that her heavy black polyester Harvard robe would smother her.

I agree.
That’s where you have to get creative. A white cotton alb is one idea (if that’s not too Catholic for you), or having a simple white cotton robe made is another smart option. All those summer wedding fees you’ll be getting will easily pay for it.

When preaching in hot box churches last summer, I wore a lined, light silk/poly skirt of knee length in a muted brown and aqua blue pattern (expensive and worth every penny) and a sleeveless white blouse under a beautiful aqua blue blazer with 3/4 length sleeves. A triple strand of pearls dressed it all up. Was I cool and comfortable? No. But I went bare-legged and wore creamy brown pointy Bandolino pumps and tanned my legs with Coppertone foam, and the bare legs helped with temperature management. I know it’s not really appropriate to preach in bare legs, but neither is looking like a half-drowned puppy by the time you pronounce the benediction.
I did obsess about it a bit, wondering if God loves modesty more than He loves my well-toned calves. They’re the only well-toned part of my body, so I did a novena for vanity and went out bare-legged anyway.

PeaceBang ALWAYS has a freshly laundered and pressed small white cotton hankie in her pocket, which she uses to delicately dab away any moisture. Remember, ladies don’t sweat; they glisten.
Only in congregations where you are well known and loved can you say, “Oy, am I schvitzing up here!”

Secret fact: PeaceBang keeps a hair dryer in her office so she can blow dry before coffee hour.
This is highly secret. Please do not reveal this highly secret secret to anyone. I do not expect to be teased for this highly secret secret when I see you, nor do I expect those of you who attend my church to make finger guns and point them at your heads on Sunday morning while laughing and making blow-dryer noises. I know you will never insult my inherent worth and dignity like that.

I preached at an ordination last summer for which a robe was an absolute necessity, so I wore a dressy cotton ankle length skirt, a shell, and a very light gauzy garment I bought from Lord & Taylor that looks just like a preaching robe. I wore a stole over it and no one was the wiser. I was soaked by the end of the service but at least the skirt hid the rivulets going down my legs (in addition to the sanctuary being hellishly hot — my own fault, since I had been unable to find any other available date to preach this ordination and committed to an August evening — they had SPOTLIGHTS on the dais!).

Be creative. Find the lightest, flowiest fabrics you can find, but make sure things fit. Light and flowy does not mean that we can’t find you under yards of fabric. Avoid floral designs, unless it’s a tie. Keep the lines simple. Gentlemen, a t-shirt under a nicely ironed cotton dress shirt will help soak up some of the sweat. Powder down beforehand.

And darlings, if you fake tan your legs, DO IT THE DAY BEFORE. The instructions on my favorite Coppertone product advise not to bathe within three hours of applying the product. Well, it never occurred to PeaceBang that preaching in June in an un-air-conditioned New England church would generate the equivalent moisture factor of a shower, but she learned her lesson the hard way when she appeared at coffee hour with striped brown and white legs.

Someone used to make a marvelous product called Summer Sheer, which was a very lightweight pantyhose. WHY did they stop making them? They were great!

PeaceBang recommends:

Summer Sheer hose, if you can find them.
Creative robing options in white cotton.
A crisp white cotton hankie on your person at all times.
Johnson & Johnson’s Corn Starch Baby Powder.
Clean lines, lightweight fabrics and bare, tanned and toned legs if you’re wearing anything less than calf-length skirts.
Closed-toed shoes in the pulpit or at weddings, because just because Jesus did his ministry in sandals doesn’t mean that you can.

P.S. While searching for Summer Sheer pantyhose, I found this web site. It didn’t give me what I was looking for but if you have a leg fetish it will certainly give you what you’re looking for. For the love of God, don’t peruse this at church, people:
http://www.stockingstore.com/index.asp?PageAction=VIEWCATS&Category=27

Buy It Anyway

I met a brand-new minister recently who asked my advice on what to wear for her first Meeting The New Church social outing.
We had such fun clucking like a couple of little hens about it.

She wrote to me today and said that she wore a black pencil skirt, a smashing pair of Anne Klein black slingbacks (bless her heart), and this sweater:

http://www.anthropologie.com/jump.jsp?itemID=10686&itemType=PRODUCT&iSubCat=266&iMainCat=11

Yes, it’s too expensive for her budget, for yours, and for mine. HOWEVAH, after spending three weeks looking for just the right thing, how much do you it was worth it to her to land this darling item and to know she looked absolutely drop-dead perfect for this important event?

The moral of the story is: if you find something you absolutely adore, that fits you beautifully and fills you with confidence and a sense that you’re dressed just right, buy the damn thing. Buy two. Because I’m telling you, you can always take on another wedding to earn some extra bucks, but you can’t always find something that exquisitely expresses the youness of you.

Suits Rock

suitsrock2 Let’s talk about what’s right about these suits.

suits rock

They’re beautiful, they’re classic, they’re polished. The women look fresh and cared for, their shoes are totally stylish but not tarty (you could even wear those strappy sandals to a non-Sunday morning event), and they’re absolutely appropriate for ministry.
The skirt on the top gal is a bit too short, but just a hair, and it may be just the way she’s standing. Add some very sheer nylons, a nicely substantial pump or shoe, and you’re all set.

The gal on the bottom has fabulous trousers. Look at the elegance of the pointy toe flat peeking out the bottom and the stylish yet classic bag. That’s what I mean by details, darlings.

As we can see by these photos, it’s not about having a closet full of brightly colored odds and ends that sort of fit and that sort of “go together.” It’s about assembling, with great care and over hard time in the retail salt times, perfectly tailored, beautiful and well-made pieces.

These outfits don’t need a thing but a fresh face and shiny hair and a big smile.
Of course if you wanted to add some accessories, you could. But you wouldn’t need to. A lovely watch, a pair of tasteful earrings, that would do.

This look isn’t for everybody (it isn’t for me, as I’m too large in both body and personality to really carry it off), but if it works for you, why not work it?

The Marquis de Sandal

PeaceBang just has to share with you a few more highlights from her trip to NYC:

First, she would like to give all due propers to MotherBang and SisterBang, who are always a sartorial inspiration and besides that, make her laugh really really hard for hours at a time.
MotherBang showed up in a black skirt, a reversible Paddington bear like rain slicker, rather frumpy black floppy loafers and flesh-colored fishnet knee-highs.

Yes, I said fishnets.

My point is not to dis the Mama, but to tell you that MotherBang has an eternally unerring sense of personal style and glamour but that sometimes, in taking a risk, she makes a mistake. Anyone can make a mistake. She thought her flats were all the rage. We had to talk about why they weren’t (wrong shape, too floppy). She knew the fishnets were a fashionable touch, but we had to talk about why they were a little bit more Eccentric Retired Drama Teacher than she intended, and she immediately peeled them off. She Understands. She created this monster, and she graciously understands that she has to accept the consequences. She was the one who taught me that one always, always looks at the rear view before buying any garment, to look for “puppies.” If you have to ask what puppies are, you must be very slim and fit, that’s all I can say.

SisterBang made her appearance the next day in a typically very cute ensemble and wearing sandals of mine that I gave her because they pinch my toes too badly. After a few blocks, she dubbed them The Marquis de Sandal, but she is willing to SUFFER FOR BEAUTY. She is also willing to pull the mattress (and I use the term very loosely) off a hotel cot and sleep on the floor, which is another reason we love her.

There were scads of fabulously clad men and women at the Union Theological Seminary graduation ceremony, and I just wish you could have seen them. If they are the future of ministry I am hopeful for the de-frumpification of the American clergy.


Conference Shoes

Darlings, PeaceBang has just returned from New York City, where in between getting caught in torrential downpours, she had the pleasure of walking to various appointments and observing NYC fashion in person!
It was so inspiring!
I can just tell you that the gals are wearing darling little print dresses (vintage, not icky, drab florals) with cardigans and big chunky beads and all manner of fabulous sandals. Another lovely look (since PeaceBang can’t imagine where one would easily procure true vintage cotton frocks outside of the Village) is light colored suits (tailored! tailored) with slingbacks and smashing bags. A gentle grass green with some grey in it is all the rage and looks good on everyone. Not Kelly green, not acid green. And in the bags or the shoes, not near the face.

Someone asked about shoes for GA (or other conferences). I know it’s hard. I am agonizing over the decision myself. My comfortable shoes are all heinous and unflattering, and my attractive shoes are mostly no good for schlepping from one event to the other. My overall advice on conference shoes is this: if they’re chunky and heinous, wear a nice long pant that fits beautifully, a cute top, and don’t feature them. If they’re adorable and make you feel gorgeous, keep the rest of your outfit simple to highlight them.

Someone asks, “are black dress shoes okay with tan pants?”

Dear Someone,
No.

At least, I don’t think so. Unless the “tan pants” are a beautiful pair of true trousers with a shape to them, and are lined, and are elegant. Then of course, you can wear an elegant dress shoe.
It’s really more about the scale and line than the color. If the pants are light and tailored and elegant, the shoe should also be elegant, in whatever color. The shoe should not be heavy and, for instance, patent leather. That’s too wintery and heavy. If the shoe has a thin ankle strap and a delicate foot, by all means wear it with “tan pants” (didn’t we talk about the evils of “tan” already? I’m a bit worried) and a smart black cardigan and fitted shell with pearls or beads. Bring another dark color somewhere into the outfit and you’ll be fine.