Beauty Tips for Ministers

Modesty Scarf

Ladies,

You know that adorable dress you got for your cousin’s wedding with the darling scoop neck and empire waist? And how, when you wore it to church one Sunday with a cardigan and boots you realized during a meeting that you were engaging in a Festival of Inappropriate Sharing every time you leaned forward? And you went home and thought, gee, the usual silk or chiffon scarf or lightweight pashmina thing would just cover too much of the dress and add unnecessary layers and poufage — what I need is a little modesty scarf like Elz Curtiss mentioned one time?

Well, that’s where I’m at right now. I have so many tops and dresses that are just a WEE bit too low-cut and because I have a very short neck, I look terrible in all the groovy, fashionable scarves out there (although I love to wear them in my hair). As I get older I find that I want to cover up more. It’s not just about cleavage, it’s about catching drafts, not wanting to expose my neck and chest to the sun, and other middle-aged concerns. The skin on my chest also tends to be pink and blotchy and I don’t like that.

Look here at my girl Mary Wollstonecraft. I love, love, love her. She was super intense and neurotic and made terrible romantic choices and was a brilliant feminist and fierce and rad, and every one of you should know her work, A Vindication of the Rights Of Women (especially if you think feminism is a 20th century phenomenon).

Is she not a FANTASTIC crone goddess there (although younger than she looks — she had a rough life)?

Here she is wearing the sort of modesty scarf that I seek but can’t seem to find:

I need one in ivory/white and black. It needs to be streamlined so as not to add too much bulk, and I need to be able to pin it into my upper-body unmentionables. Mary’s is far more floofy than I would want or need, but I love hers anyway.

Silky fabrics won’t do, as they just slip everywhere. Cotton might work if it wasn’t too flimsy, and chiffon itches me. I just want the simplest strip of fabric I can cross over and pin down.

I just know you’ll have some ideas.

I’m almost done preparing for tomorrow’s service, staring at the clock and realizing that it’s not actually 7pm, it’s actually EIGHT. Daylight Savings Time!

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Game Face

Watching the State of the Union Address tonight I was struck by how distracting Joe Biden and Nancy Pelosi could be. Joe’s incessant nodding turned into a drinking game (without the drinks) for my host, who spent the 45 minutes counting how many times the Vice Prez’s head went up and down. I had my focus pulled from the President a few times by Nancy Pelosi’s weird mouth movements: was she chewing a cough drop or something?
She also has a tendency to smirk, which I find a huge turn-off and which I assume has cost her much more than any of us would care to admit in political points.

The president even upstaged himself a little bit during his concluding remarks by gently banging the podium every time he folded his hands, which tended to be after every rhetorical point. For awhile, he got into a hypnotic kind of call-and-response rhythm with his bangs, which became more emphatic as he neared his conclusion. I almost wondered if it was an intentional rhetorical device, but I highly doubt it.

My point, chickadees, is that no matter how long you are up on that dais listening to someone speak or preach, be very aware that you are just as much under public scrutiny as is the speaker, and even perhaps more so. Be aware, be still (no leg jiggling, no eye rolling, no smirking, no frowny face, no overly-vigorous nodding), sit up straight and put on your best game face. If you don’t know what your best game face is, work on it in the mirror until you find it.*

(Kudos to Speaker Pelosi’s make-up and hair people, and to Joe Biden’s tooth-whitener!)

*PeaceBang is TERRIBLE at following this advice, by the way. She is working on it. She tends toward vigorous nodding, “insider” smiling (althoug not smirking) and “mmm-hmm”ing and “amen-ing” (which is fine in moderation).

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On Not Showing Thigh

Hafhida said in the comments that she doesn’t show cleavage or thigh. Which reminded me of a recent clergy gathering I attended, where one of the attendees wore a short smock with tights and ridiculous little felt or wool elf shoes. She looked, in a word, ridiculous. I’m sorry, but PeaceBang has no patience for this kind of infantilizing precious-artsy look, especially since it’s easy enough for creative people who CARE about their image (and that of the Church) to translate that look into adult, professional terms. Boho is fine. Looking like a First Grade Wanna-Be is not.

I sat at this meeting at this minister, who sat with her legs crossed, displaying a wide expanse of thigh to everyone in the room.

Just horrifying. SO, so wrong. I kind of gave her a disapproving look once or twice when she would cross her legs, but to no avail. I mean, I visibly winced. I wanted to say, “Dear colleague! No one needs to know quite that much about your thighs. Please stop inflicting them on us.”

By the way, this has nothing to do with the relative niceness of anyone’s thighs. It’s about propriety, not aesthetics.

Don’t let that be you, mon pidgies. Boys, you’re not exempt, y’know. No one wants to see your hamhocks hanging out of floppy shorts, either.

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Tighty Bikey Clothes Are a Big No NO!

Someone’s yanking my chain, but they’ve yanked it well and they deserve air time. All in the same two days, I received these two letters. The first one goes like this,

Dear Peacebang,

I like to bike to work since it saves on carbon. I always change soon after I get to work, but obviously sometimes I run into congregants or staff in the hall on the way to the shower so I don’t want to wear the bike shorts and tank top I wear when I go cycling on the weekends.

Could you suggest a biking outfit that will let me be both environmentally and professionally appropriate? Love your blog!

A (male) reader

As I was thinking about how to answer (we did a big post on women biking a few weeks ago, but I didn’t say anything at the time about guys on bikes – my bad), I received this anonymous comment from a lay person:

Not wearing your skintight bicycling outfit where your congregants can see you and if you must bike to work, wearing something more sedate and saving the body hugging little outfit* for when you’re not at church might seem like an obvious thing, but it’s not an obvious thing to all ministers.

*If you’re riding for exercise, why the body hugging little outfit? Shouldn’t the wind drag produced by a regular t-shirt and shorts just add to the exercise and thus be superior for your purpose? Either way, I really don’t want to know the exact shape of my minister’s [rear end].

And I do.

Sigh.

I don’t think PeaceBang really needs to respond to this, does she? She just needs to let all of her colleagues know that at least one church member out there is disturbed by the sight of her minister’s butt in spandex.

It doesn’t matter how fit you are.
No one, but no one, should arrive at the office in spandex bike shorts.

I am reminded of the conference I attended a few years back, where a male colleague wore a skin-tight shirt of some unnatural fiber. I could see his nipple piercing.

Need I say…!??

Saints preserve us. File this under “TMI.” WAY TMI.*

(Too Much Information)

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What Not To Say In The Receiving Line

I recently officiated at the memorial service of a very dear and important lady of our congregation. After the service, a colleague greeted me saying, “You did such a great job. Of course we were all watching you so closely, because you’ve taught some of us how to lead worship.”

Ouch.

Clergy, please be incredibly careful when and where you pay technique compliments to another colleague. For one thing, your colleague may have been quite emotionally involved with the rite of passage they have just observed, in which case it is far more thoughtful to say simply, “I think you did a lovely job today. And I’m sorry for this loss to your congregation” than to high-five them for their great job. If you want to write your colleague an admiring note later about how they aced the prayer or whatever, that would be nice and I’m sure they would appreciate it. However, PeaceBang thinks that there is nothing tackier than clergy congratulating each other for their awesome “performance” after a religious service. Of course we do it, but please, please… do it in private or over the phone the next day. Lay people should never, ever overhear ministers doing a post-mortem– however positive– of a worship service they have just participated in. Keep the shop talk out of the church. Or if you must exude your praise, do it like the old pros do it — when no laypeople are around, or briefly and tactfully.

We all love praise, but there’s a time and a place. And that time and place is way out of earshot of the grieving, please.

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Student Intern “Uniform” For Sundays

Cookiepuss, whose screen name always makes me laugh (remember the commercials with Tom Carvel’s phlegmy voice? We used to imitate Cookiepuss’s maniacal, high-pitched squeal by talking in munchkin voices into a running fan), has this to ask,

I start student ministry this Sunday and am wondering if you could make some recommendations on what kinds of outfits would be appropriate. I am, in part, thinking about the reality that the minister (female) will be robed, and I will not. I am inclined to wear black, but don’t want to look like the student undertaker. I am a plus-sized gal. I worry about wearing a skirt or dress and having my pudgy knees on display all through the service as I will be sitting in a chair without the benefit of a desk with a vanity panel. Black shirt dress and black tights and black mary janes makes me worry about looking like Goth Geezer… I like color (but not busy patterns – just solid) – purple, teal, fuscia, orange, lime green – but how to wear them appropriately? I don’t want to look like the Harvest Festival display in the chancel…

Any suggestions???

Bounteous gratitude!

First of all, Cookie, did you check the archives under Seminarians? If not, do! I’m sure there are conversations in there that might be of interest to ya.

Second of all, darling, I think I can make this easy for you. Create a uniform.
1. mid-calf length skirt in a dark neutral;
2. Natural hose with a taupe pump or boots (if it gets cold where you are, swap for an opaque tight in the winter);
3. Sleeveless shell (nothing with straps) with good coverage in a nice fabric with a bit of spandex in it for shape;
4. Beautiful, perfectly ironed blouse in a lovely, rich color and fabric (silk, perhaps) worn open over the shell (inothing floppy or over-sized);
5. Signature silk scarf in not-busy design worn open around the neck to suggest a stole;
6. Classic earrings;
7. Hair and make-up beautifully done.

Voila!
If you start with this basic uniform, you can’t go wrong. Choose colors that both work well in your chancel and that flatter your coloring.
Do not feel that you have to be creative and different with your attire; you are a student intern and it’s far more important for you to look polished and appropriate.

Do not wear slacks.

Try to find skirts that have the coverage you need but that fit you. This can be a challenge for plus-sized gals, since many skirts designed for us veer into Gypsy Mother territory with terrible jaggedy hems and tons of fabric that drown us alive. AVOID! Your skirts should have a zipper and button closure or else look like they could. They should have a waistline so you can tuck the sleeveless shell in neatly.

You need not wear the scarf every Sunday — you may choose to wear a pretty, bold necklace instead or something different. I just wanted to give you a basic ensemble to start with.

A nice, fitted jacket is also good — just be sure to sit in it to assure that buttons aren’t gapping, etc.

DO take a moment to gracefully pull down the hem of your blazer and to smooth your skirt under your bottom as you settle yourself into your chair on the chancel. Sit up straight and do not cross your legs. Keep your hands in your lap and your neck up, and smile as you pay careful attention to what is being said and done during the service. So many ministers — student interns by no means the worst offenders! — seem for all the world as though they don’t have the time of day for church unless they’re the ones speaking in the pulpit. PeaceBang, who has no poker face at all sometimes, has a bad habit of over-reacting facially to other speakers (laughing too hard, smiling too broadly, nodding, weeping, etc.), which is also potentially distracting and egotistical (although it may seem supportive and engaged, it can also communicate, “This is all about ME!”). Become familiar with your own Gracious Face and use that sucker.

Good luck, Cookie! I hope this is a help!

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