Great balls o’ fire! Didn’t know that, did you? Because unlike PeaceBang, you have never, for instance, preached an ordination sermon at the end of August in Pittsburgh and actually needed to change your entire outfit afterwards because you could LITERALLY wring sweat out of your skirt. And unlike PeaceBang, you have never kept a hair dryer in your office for summer weddings and funerals so that you could officiate, blow dry your hair and then appear at the reception looking like an almost-normal human being. Unlike PeaceBang, you have never tucked a lightweight cotton hand towel into the back waistband of your pantyhose to catch the sweat that runs down your back before it drips down your legs and pools into your pumps.
You have never done these things because you are a LADY, and ladies don’t sweat, they glisten.

If that’s you, just move along then. Go be delicate, dry and fragrant somewhere else.

Here is a letter from a lady minister who not only glistens, she sweats. And she has a delicate problem caused by the necessity of wearing unnatural fibers:

I only wear my collar on Sundays and other holidays. I tend to wear a sleeveless shell with a cardigan or jacket. Here’s my problem- the man-made materials of my shirts eventually retain the smell of body odor and have to be thrown away! What are my other options? I prefer a wash and wear, because I do not iron.
I’ve had this problem with both the Almy and the WomenSpirit sleeveless clerical blouses.

Any thoughts?

My first thought, darling, is MITCHUM, which I think is the best deody-o made.
My second thought is “I’m glad I don’t wear a collar.” I’m quite partial to cotton, you see.
My third thought is, why not try those perspiration shields you can find in some of the older drugstores? Couldn’t hurt. It seems simply awful to spend all that money on the clerical shirts only to have to discard them. Would a good Woolite rinse after each wash prolong their life longer? Febreze?

Perspiring, clericals-wearing colleagues, chime in!

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Hi, so in the first place I love your blog, the energy and the theology of valuing bodies that shines through every word. Thanks for all you do. And here’s the embarrassing question – as a 50-something [pastor], I usually feel pretty good about my style at work, but lately I’ve been noticing this kind of freaky mustache that is making its home on my upper lip. Soft hair, but darker than I would like. I know it’s one of those things that comes with aging, but I’m pretty confused about the remedy. I honestly don’t want to be hanging around my [parishioners] in a mustache, but I don’t know anything about the options – I hear vague things about bleaching, waxing, etc., and it just leaves me confused (I’ve never done anything but pluck a few stray eyebrows, either, so I’m not used to this). I know you are way too young to have to worry about this, but you seem to have the secret knowledge about these things. Thanks!

Ah, Grasshoppah.
Nothing to be embarrassed about!! I think it is wonderful that you are willing to do something about the ’stache, which I think is unattractive and can be distracting as well. More than anything, I think that a dark ’stache makes the upper lip look dirty. I have more than once had to stop myself from saying to a woman, “You’ve got something smudged on your upper li….ooops. No, nothing. I didn’t say anything!”

Being a fair-haired and skinned woman in my extended family of olive-skinned and ebony-tressed Jewish beauties, I knew about the magic of Jolen cream bleach before I hit puberty. I don’t think I ever opened the medicine cabinet of any of my cousins without seeing the trusty aqua box:

Jolen creme bleach (pronounced Joe-leen) is cheap, it works and it’s a good product. Yes, it will sting a bit (nothing that lightens dark hair won’t sting). You should be careful to use the correct measurements of activating powder to cream. Run a washcloth under very cold water and press it to your upper lip after you have rinsed the product off well. Repeat until redness and swelling go down (it will only last a few minutes). Do the patch test on your arm or other unobtrusive place.

Sally Hansen makes an excellent cream hair REMOVAL (not dye — their dyeing product actually doesn’t work at all, according to on-line reviewers). I have used Sally Hansen Brush-On Hair Removalin the past and although the smell is yucky, it works very well:

Again, do a patch test and use the cold washcloth on the upper lip after the treatment. Do NOT rub ice on your face, as that is too harsh and can freeze the skin. Do not rub the cloth on the skin, just gently hold it there, patting a bit. You may choose to follow with a bit of aloe vera gel if it works for you (a surprising number of people are actually allergic to aloe vera gel!).

I have a little blunt edged pair of sharp scissors that I keep in my medicine cabinet for de-’staching. The light in the bathroom is the best, I can get up real close to the mirror, and I just snip it all off. My hair is very light, though, so you may want to go with waxing or bleaching.

Another option is to get a $10 wax job at a local salon — make sure they have a certified aesthetician on staff, and don’t plan to get it done immediately before an important event in case you get a bit of redness. Don’t let a manicurist at a nail salon do it, even if it’s cheaper. Insist on a licensed professional.

Do NOT pluck and do NOT shave!!

Many women have hairy upper lips all their lives, but facial hair growth is incredibly common when we hit the menopausal years. Just another fun detail about hormonal changes no one ever tells us about!!
Let’s all join in a chorus of “I Enjoy Being a Girl!!”
Next Chapter: “Tweezing Chin Hairs For Fun And Profit.” (Confession: I keep a tweezers in my car! I find that the light in the rearview mirror is amazing and I always spot Frightening Whiskers on my way to some event. Talk about keeping a girl humble! Just when you think you’re all dolled up with every hair in place…)

Thanks for writing, dearie!
Kiss of peace!! xxxoo

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Dear PeaceBang,

Kindly provide advice regarding cassocks & surplice for a size 8, 5′ 5″ deacon-in-training in the Episcopal Church.

Re: cassocks – anglican or roman?

Re: surplices – old english or american?

After viewing pics at www.almy.com I think that the anglican cassock will be as dreadful as a cinctured alb and that the American surplice will make me look short and squat. So far my only advice is from a male priest (who clearly understands nothing of the trauma of nipping in excess fabric at the waist) and a female priest (who has voted for comfort and fewer buttons over femininity).

Oh, PeaceBang, please help. These are too pricey to make a mistake.

Dearest K,
What are the other deacons-in-training around you wearing? I would definitely consult with them first. Welcome to the world of “Oh my LORD, vestments make my butt/waist look huge!” It’s part of our work, I’m afraid, and I wouldn’t fret overly about it. As I’ve written you privately, do take a look at the extensive archives on the subject, with special attention to the “Piskie” entries and comments. And I know that my readers are going to jump in here with loads of helpful ideas as they always do, because they’re the bestest!!

Kiss of peace, PB

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It goes like this: a woman visits this blog –which is obviously all ABOUT image and appearance– and doesn’t like what she reads. Instead of saying, “Thanks but no thanks for your advice, as I don’t intend to add even lipstick to my daily routine,” or simply leaving without commenting, she does a hyperbolic pile-on. It sounds like this,

My grey is coming in and turning 40 in two weeks. I have no intention of dyeing it. Why? Because, I’m not Oprah – I can’t afford to have a hairstylist, makeup artist and airbrush going 24/7. – quote taken from More.com

PeaceBang ADORES hyperbole, believe her. It is one of her favorite all-time writing devices. She just thinks that in cases like this, the hyperbolic, avalanche effect is irrational, defensive and rather ridiculous. A box of hair color costs $8 or so. If one chooses to dye her hair, this does not necessitate a concomitant commitment (say THAT four times in a row fast!) to hiring a hairstylist, make-up artist or any other service provider of the kind. It necessitates nothing whatsoever. It is a color job, and it can grow out. How did we get from “Gee, I bet a rich, bright hair color would really flatter your skin tone” to hiring a full-time beauty staff? EXCUSE AVALANCHE, that’s how! TIMMMMBERRRR!

It is true that attention to one’s appearance can have a bit of a domino effect: when we see how good we look and feel with an updated hair style, we may be excited about extending that good feeling to new attention to make-up, clothing, accessories, etc. However, this is never required by anyone, and certainly not by PeaceBang, who would like to remind her readers that It’s All About You, Pigeons. PeaceBang is but a mirror: what you see in her suggestions is your own reflection gazing back at you, asking “How do you like what you see? How is that working for you?”

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Dear PeaceBang,
I recently attended a workshop where I was the lone Congregationalist minister among a group of amazing Episcopal women priests and rectors. Dress was casual, so I wore slacks, a twin set, a cute scarf, flats, and modest jewelry. What struck me was how all these (middle aged) women of accomplishment, personal beauty, etc., wives and mothers all, at this meeting dressed in ways that utterly negated their femininity: very short cropped off hair, very baggy sweaters/shirts/pants, sensible shoes, and most of them badly needed a bra intervention. It was as if they were trying to look like honorary men to be in their field. It bothered me enormously. Surely, this is not progress! I’d be interested in your comments on this phenomenon.

Dear Amazed,
This is the phenomenon to which PeaceBang, in her own irreverent manner, is constantly calling our attention.
I don’t think this is so much about trying to be “honorary men,” but about these worthy women being afraid to be polished and put-together, not knowing how to be, or having internalized the pernicious and naive message that “those things” don’t matter.

As PeaceBang is always, always affirming, those things DO matter. They matter tremendously. Drab, aggressively sexless, sartorially clueless people in any profession make a statement by their very presence, and that statement is not a good one. Some of the non-verbal statements such appearance makes are:

1. I do not want anyone to look at me.
2. I don’t deserve attention; being noticed is something I am not prepared to accept and a responsibility I do not want.
3. I am harmless; in fact, I am passive. The world is happening around me and I hope to be invisible in it.
4. I don’t care. I occupy an alternative universe where appearance doesn’t matter — and if you notice that I am frumpy, it must be because you are not as holy as I am.
5. (similar) You should be enlightened enough not to be distracted by my terrible clothing and ill-fitting undergarments: what’s the matter with you? This isn’t my problem, but yours.
6. Please do not mistake me for a leader. Isn’t it obvious from my demeanor and my attire that I have no desire to represent any ideal higher than that of personal comfort? If there were camera crews outside covering today’s event, my on-camera appearance would immediately communicate to the public that nothing of real importance happens in here.

I have been writing this column for several years now, and it makes me sad to hear these reports. It makes me sad that so many clergywoman still write me letters accusing me of being materialistic and sexist and judgmental when really, I’m just reporting how public image works and is interpreted in the dominant culture. If religious leaders want to have a positive influence in the world, it really helps if we understand — and accept — how the world works. As always, it depends where your ministry is. I am writing mostly for parish ministers located in secular communities where the Church is seen as a quaint, easy-to-ignore institution that dabbles in good works and engages in arcane rituals of no interest to sophisticated, intelligent people. Being insistently invisible and schlubby in our appearance is just another way to validate that image.

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Now, for a fuller explanation of what I mean, search for “Fit” in the right upperhand search engine on this blog. Read, learn, embrace.

Repeat after me, darlings:

“JUST BECAUSE I CAN GET THIS GARMENT ON DOES NOT MEAN THAT IT ACTUALLY FITS.”

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I’ll be rocking this with my little black dress, bright red lipstick and ankle-strap black pumps to the 50th anniversary party I’m going to at the end of the month. Fun! Danceable! But also multi-purpose: I can wear this sweater with jeans and a T-shirt, I can wear it to church with a full-coverage tank, a black skirt and either of two pairs of green shoes (green can be surprisingly neutral).

That’s one loud print, but it’s unmistakably me. The moment I saw it online, I could see it on myself and see myself feeling confident, comfortable and appropriately dressed for the occasion. Bam. That “aha” feeling is the one I’m always after when I’m choosing clothes and accessories. It says, “I know who I am, I know how I want to look, I know what I want to express with my appearance, and this will do it. Done.”
Some days this process takes thirty seconds, some days it takes thirty minutes. Some days, I’ll admit, I just manage to get clothes on and my teeth brushed. On those days I make sure that the only people seeing me are my staff — and I don’t think I let even my staff see me so undone for at least the first year or two that I was settled in my current congregation.

For those of you who never have that “aha” moment, do not despair. It takes some effort and the radical notion that you deserve to spend some time considering how you want to look and what image you want to project. It requires getting over the false dichotomy that religious people should be “above” such concerns as visual representation in society. It requires taking a deep breath and letting yourself have fun with clothes, experiment with them, consult with friends or professionals about them, and admitting that it DOES matter what you wear and that you care about looking good because you should care.

The “aha” experience can also come with age. When I was 30 years old I had at least four different personalities represented in my closet. Now I have two: Vicki in professional mode and Vicki in private mode. Vicki in private mode is divided into two categories: Working Out and Going Out. “Working Out” are the sporty things I wear for running errands, walking the dog, plotzing around the house and casual hanging out with pals. They consist mostly of black yoga pants, hoodies, baseball caps, and faded jeans.
The Going Out category mostly consists of garments I think of as too-Bohemian-for-prime-time: leggings under dresses, gypsy-esque shirts, insane shoes, skirts that make me look like a reject from a bus-and-truck of Les Miserables. I have an enormous selection of colorful cotton scarves because I wear them in my hair almost every day of the summer. They just seem to… multiply.

Speaking of full-coverage tanks (because if you read back a ways, we were), I got a couple of those at CJ Banks, too:

This is what I mean about paying attention to cut: see how these tank tops are cut? Definition at the waist and a high enough neck so that a full-chested clergywoman can wear them to work and never fear the dreaded Festival of Inappropriate Sharing? Amazingly enough, PeaceBang has the devil’s own time of it finding tanks like this, so she purchased one in black, brown and white. If these fit well when they arrive, she will likely purchase another one in black right away, as the full-coverage black tank is a major staple of her wardrobe and she has learned the hard way that when you find a perfect staple item, GET TWO. I have a pair of perfect black pants from 2002 or so that I wish so much I had a second pair of, as they are falling apart.

PeaceBang’s word to the wise: If your size is consistent, buy two of the perfect wardrobe staple when you find one and save yourself time and money in the long run. Nothing is more frustrating than combing the racks for years looking for that elusive V-necked cardigan or perfect white shirt you wore 8-10 time a month for as long as it lasted, never dreaming it would finally just give up the ghost. How many times have I thrown good money after bad, trying to replace my wardrobe staples with something far less ideal? If you know what you wear almost every day, buy a few when you find perfect versions of them and you can stay out of the stores and streamline your closet that much more easily.

Gents, this goes for you too.

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At the time I thought to myself, “Chickie here has a lot of serious issues, and being ‘too pretty’ may indeed be one of them, but let’s file this thought away for further reflection until I hear from a more grounded person about the reality of being too beautiful for ministry.”

And lo, that time has come, pigeons. While I know of several movie-star handsome men in the clergy whose Hotness does not seem to prevent them from being taken seriously, I have now collected several stories of female clergy being taken aside by male superiors and told that their beauty or sexiness is “distracting” and a serious problem.

What shall we call this?
Sexism.
Plain and simple.
If a man is distracted by his completely appropriately-dressed female minister’s beauty and sexiness, that’s his gadnapped problem. The Biblical name for that problem is lust, I do believe. The cultural name for it is objectification. I say “Work on it with your spiritual director, Senior Pastor Horndog.”

No one can keep nobody from hankering after them. That’s God’s truth. You can dress three sizes too big, you can cut your hair funny, let your skin and teeth go mossy and walk around crossing your eyes and tripping over your feet, and some soul is going to be drawn to your body like a moth to the flame. That’s a wonderful thing. It’s also an important truth to remember if you happen to be blessed or cursed with an extra dose of conventional attractiveness — don’t obsess about it, just know it’s there, be beautiful and true in all ways and let people be responsible for their own feelings.

Say, however, that you’re a young female pastor who’s been pulled aside and admonished that you don’t look “right” or you don’t look “professional” by a male OR female senior. Perhaps a kind parishioner has even donated some money to purchase a new wardrobe for you. How should you then respond?

1. In a non-defensive way, bring in an advocate from your religious community right away: a mentor, a senior pastor from another congregation, a bishop, a lay leader. Do NOT keep this a secret. If this is going to turn into a pattern of harassment, you don’t want to be alone in dealing with it. Document EVERY word you can remember from that first meeting and before you do a thing about shopping, call in another pair of eyes to assess your wardrobe and appearance. It may, in fact be that you DO need some sprucing up. It may also be that your supervisor is trying to shame you for being a hottie. Don’t fly off the handle; walk carefully and govern your angry thoughts. We serve a monumentally sex-phobic institution, my darlings — this should neither surprise nor enrage you. Be ye wise as a serpent and .. you know the rest.

Schedule another meeting with your supervisor as soon as possible and be armed with a list of specific questions such as “What exactly seems unprofessional about my appearance?” or “Is there a certain outfit or garment that I have worn of which you disapprove? Why?” or “Could you please provide me with a list of people who have complained about my appearance? It’s important to know if this is just your personal opinion or feedback coming from the community.”

2. Be sure to get clarity on when you are “done” with your make-over, if that is indeed what seems necessary. For example, if the complaint is that your skirts are too tight and your shirts too cropped or your rock-n-roll T-shirts too “edgy,” take steps to fix the problem and then insist that your supervisor sign off, so to speak, on your having done so. Document the meeting and send the minutes to your board president or top lay leader. You do not want this to become a vague, upsetting generational or gender battle that never ends. It should have a clear conclusion so that you are not constantly obsessing over what you wear every day (Our culture is already committed to making women obsess about their appearance — should not the Church be counter-culture in that wise?).
You may choose to include a “Am I looking appropriately professional/clerical?” portion of your NEXT annual review (not every annual review for as long as you serve the church) in order to give the subject one more pass. If the original complaint was, in fact, a veiled grievance about your being too cute and sexy to be in the ministry no matter WHAT you wear, the silence on the matter of your attire should assure you that you can move on with your life and put the fears that you don’t know how to dress at rest.

3. If you want to make a case for why your clothes are entirely appropriate, prepare your thoughts and present them in a mature way to your supervisor. Perhaps you want to be a little more funky because you think the congregation should have someone on staff who might visually resonate with the creative community who has been under-served by the church (“I know that this is an artist’s colony in the summer and I think it’s important that our church pay more attention to aesthetics in general. I am trying to do this with my clothing and you will notice that our Religious Education brochure has been redesigned to reflect a more contemporary aesthetic.”). Perhaps you need to simply say that body conscious clothes are not considered “sexy” any more, but are simply the way most manufacturers cut their clothing nowadays (“My sweaters aren’t actually tight, they’re very standard fit right now. Let me show you some photographs of local teachers, bank tellers, and executives wearing the same fit. I could wear tops that are a few sizes too big, but I think you and I would both find that they look sloppy and send a non-verbal message that a healthy body is something one should hide. Do you think that’s a message we want to be sending?”).

Remember that clothes and appearance are interesting. If we can discuss them without taking the subject matter too personally, we might have a more productive conversation. I know it’s hard. I was once admonished for wearing inappropriate clothing as a high school teacher. I had actually done it on purpose to protest the extreme May/June heat in my classroom (I wanted a bloody fan up there, and not just the dinky kind I could bring in from home), but it was still embarrassing watching my supe squirm as he stammered out his “feedback.” I knew my department head was right and although it got me what I wanted in the end, I was sorry to have shown up for work in a cotton flowered babydoll dress and cotton biking shorts. I had so much more respect for my work than that. I was also 22 years old at the time and didn’t want to be mistaken for one of my students. (But hey, whatever happened to that colleague of mine with the enormous hair, the sky high stilettos, the skin tight suits bursting at bosom and slit high on the thigh who used to have very interesting relationships with her students involving special home visits and long tutoring sessions in the car? I loved her!)

I DIGRESS.

4. If you do establish a need for a better wardrobe, please please bring a sartorially-savvy friend with you when you use that generous donation to purchase new items. I know it’s bizarre and even paternalistic to give a professional person money to outfit themselves with, but this is not an unknown phenomenon in the Church so suck it up and spend it wisely. Do write a detailed thank you note to the person who made the gift and turn the episode into something positive and memorable.

Think how wonderful it will be on your tenth anniversary with the congregation to be able to give that sermon harkening back to the days when you showed up in your dirty Keane’s, hippie skirts and hempen hoodies and Mrs. Cathcart put a wad of cash into your hand and said, “Dearie, welcome to Holy Shepherd. Please get a manicure and a decent hair cut buy yourself some real clothing.” And then you walked into the Woman’s Alliance meeting the next week looking and feeling so much more like a community leader in a pair of taupe heels and a really wonderful bright blue suit with great flared trousers and you suddenly understood that you weren’t a kid anymore, and that you didn’t need to look scruffy to ally yourself with ‘the least of these.’” Everyone will chuckle and some will applaud and you can thank Mrs. Cathcart right then and there for seeing the leader in you that you hadn’t known needed to be brought out, and for making a generous financial gift of confidence in that leader.

And then you take the offering, you know, and connect the whole thing to confidence in the Church and how God works through all of us.
And it will all have worked out.

This too shall pass, my doves. And the next time someone pulls you aside and says that you’re too attractive or pretty to “make it” as a minister, I suggest that you put your hand on their arm, say in your most dramatic tones, “Brother/Sister So-And-So! I can’t BELieve you’re saying that! I mean, you know as well as I do that Jesus was a TOTAL HOTTIE!” Then smack that arm — not gently — wink big, turn on your heel and leave the room.
Don’t you dare feel that you need to respond respectfully to that nonsense.

Now go be beautiful, be faithful, be true, and blessed Sabbath to you all.

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I’m still here in Texas, having a grand time with some truly grand people. Photo uploads are a bit challenging since I don’t have wireless access from where I’m staying for my tiny little Acer computer (which is where I am downloading and storing my photos), but I do hope to share with you some great clergy photos soon from a spectacular MLK event I attended tonight. Piskie Priest Lady was wearing a HUGE cocktail ring and I was thrilled!! When I asked if I could take her photo because I wanted to feature her bling-and-vestments look on here she blushed and laughed and said, “I’ve got to be myself.” That’s right, ma’am, you do, and yourself looks beautiful and elegant as hell.

Until we get those photos up here, let me say that some darling person wrote in a few weeks ago to ask what we wear when we get that 3AM call and need to zoom out of the house and to the hospital, the State Police barracks, the private home, or wherever it is we’re being called to minister to those in crisis.

First let me just say that if it’s 3 AM, it had BETTER be a crisis. If it’s not, you be firm about your boundaries, make an appointment for the morning and get back to sleep, pronto. It’s up to you to decide what constitutes a middle-of-the-night crisis. I’ve known folks to say, “What!? A DOG died and they’re calling me in tears? PUH-leeze!” My feeling is that I might not get out at that hour over a dead dog, but you bet I’d stay on the phone for awhile and help that person figure out what to do next. And if my next day was a light one, I might just climb out of bed and help them dig a grave. Who knows? This is just to say that we all have our boundaries, but we need to be clear, consistent and fair about them. Fair to our people, fair to ourselves, and fair to those who need us to be able to function the next day. Don’t be a martyr, now. I’ve known some Martyr Ministers, and they’re not a life-giving people.

Regarding the question of what to wear at this kind of middle of the night crisis, let’s just say: Keep it neat, keep it simple and keep it comfortable. First things first: go wash your face quick and brush your teeth. Apply some lip balm (guys) or lipstick (gals) if you look like hell on a cracker. I would definitely throw some cream blush on the apples of my cheeks. It doesn’t take but a second to apply and my feeling is that if I show up looking like a corpse, I just don’t project “Awake! Competent! Here For You!” What I project is “Half-Asleep! Dead On My Feet! Can’t Do Much For Ya!”

Go get dressed. When called out in the wee hours, I have usually worn a black sweater with a white collared blouse under it, black pants, a large silver cross, a pair of very small silver hoop earrings and a warm scarf around my neck. Nice boots. I feel that this outfit can carry me through several kinds of settings: if I’m doing a death notification for the State Police, I don’t wear the scarf and I pull out the cross around my neck so that it’s visible. If I’m going to be at the kitchen table with someone waiting for the undertaker to show up, the scarf is cozy and the boots help me feel grounded. I can go to the morgue in this outfit and feel sufficiently neat and respectful to accompany someone who has to identify a body. If it’s winter I top everything with a black coat and black or dark hat and gloves. This isn’t the time to sport your cute new leopard-print winter scarf. Black works. Black, blue or brown. Keep it dark: not to be depressing, but to be neat and respectful. Bright colors can actually be jarring to those in crisis.

If it’s the summer time, I wear a pair of black trousers (light, but still structured and neat) and a dark cotton blouse. I have a short-sleeved black cotton jacket with a seam at the waist that I keep ironed and tucked away so I don’t need to scramble for the iron if I need it. I preserve it just for clergy emergencies and wear it with a dark camisole underneath. I suggest that you prepare an emergency top for yourself as well (if you’re not a clericals-wearer).

In case you were wondering, it does not show that you are more professionally available or pastorally loving if you show up in a half pajamas-half street clothes combo. What that communicates, in fact, is that you’re just as much a scattered mess as the person in crisis. Get your act together before you head out the door. Take slow, deep breaths. Check for your watch, phone, breath mints, Bible and a hankie, plus whatever other elements you may need to perform a necessary ritual (I keep a small vial of water for anointings at the time of death in a basket by my door). Leave a coherent, legible note for your family. Pop a Luna bar or a Power Bar into your bag — you may be gone for awhile. Make sure you have some cash in your wallet (ALWAYS keep some cash in the house for just this sort of thing — and don’t let anyone else in the family know where your small stash is).

Dear people, please promise me that you will never get behind the wheel of the car until you feel fully awake, clear-headed and able to responsibly operate a motor vehicle. Do not speed no matter WHAT.

Be prepared, sweeties, and may God preserve us all from many of these calls.

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Ladies and gentlemen of the cloth, why is it that we can preach, witness for peace and justice, organize entire communities, walk fearlessly into a room with Death, perform ancient rituals with presence and panache, and yet TOTALLY LOSE OUR NERVE WITH RETAIL SALES CLERKS!??????
WHAT IS THAT ABOUT?

For as long as I’ve been writing this blog, I’ve been getting inquiries from amazing religious leaders all over the world who wouldn’t hesitate to speak before thousands, but who can’t return a pair of ill-fitting shoes or tell a saleslady that the fuschia and orange blazer she just picked out for them is just not their taste. They have been too nervous to speak up in the stylist’s chair and to say, “I really want a dramatic change this time, I’ve brought some photos, what do you think?” and to veto any ideas they don’t like. They have hesitated to say, “I’m so sorry, but now that I see this color on my nails, I think it’s absolutely awful. Can we do a polish change?”

But you know what, duckies? I KNOW what this is about. It’s about not wanting to waste our own time and the time of others. We are considerate people and we’re busy people. Also, deep down, this is about our ambivalence around even taking the time to focus on ourselves at all. But PeaceBang doesn’t want to hear those excuses any more. We work very hard on behalf of the Kingdom of God, and when we DO take time off to attend to our own self-care, appearance and image, we should use that time wisely, thoughtfully and productively — not rush around slap-dash and accepting second-best.

Are you listening to your Auntie PeaceBang?

Then hear this: Making yourself a visually presentable leader in the community is part of your job.

Therefore, when you go forth to purchase clothing, to attend to your grooming, to obtain advice or services from professionals around any aspect of your appearance (not to mention your physical, medical health!!), you must take this work seriously and do it well.

Don’t like the shoes? Take them back. Ask another salesperson to help you find a pair that suits your needs and that doesn’t aggravate your plantar’s fascitis. Be patient, be specific about what you need, and let them do their job.
The bras you just bought at a dear price don’t heft your bosom adequately? Take them back and ask for a re-fitting. Be assured that the store you purchased them from would rather have you come back and go away a satisfied customer (repeat business!) than to wear the bras unhappily and never come back.
Hate the nail polish? Ask if the manicurist has time to change the polish — of course she does. It only takes a moment. Tip her an extra $5 for her time and effort (and because you don’t want to be a pain in the a** who assumes this gal’s got nothing better to do all day than to put new polish on your nails — and it was your bad to pick that color in the first place). Hate your hair color? Call and make an appointment for a fixer-upper. People do this ALL. THE. TIME. PeaceBang does this ALL. THE. TIME (I mean, relatively speaking). The trick to doing it and still being a favorite client is to maintain great relationships of care, support and consideration with your beauty and self-care providers, to thank them sincerely and often, send them new business, have a fun time when you’re in their chair, remember them at the holidays, make it a point to speak to their manager about the wonderful service you received from them, and tip well (not extravagantly, just well). In a world of cell-phone addled, self-absorbed and rude consumers, you will stand out as a bright spot in their appointment book and they will look forward to seeing you.

So darlings, what have we learned from this?
1. Looking appropriate and put together is part of your job.
2. If you don’t like the service you have received or the item you have purchased, speak up. Return. Consult. Give people an opportunity to make you a happy customer.
3. Be an appreciative, generous client and you will be a cherished client even if an exacting one. You are a public leader. Your hair, your grooming, your clothing, accessories and shoes are on public display. Believe me, the people who provide the services that dress and groom you want you to reflect well on them. Don’t forget that.

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