But she was brave.
She prevailed.
And look how lovely and polished she looks:

Here is the letter that she wrote to Yours Truly, after several other e-mail exchanges.

Well, look at me! I am proud to say that I bought my Very First
Lipstick! (If you can open the attachment, have a look–just ignore the
hair)

This has been a great learning experience for me. I got by for years on
great skin and a simple approach to everything, including makeup–I had
concealer for blemishes and mascara for fancy dress up. But at 40, I
started to notice other women my age without makeup and they all looked
so…tired. Sadly, it was really hard to just jump into cosmetics when I
had no idea what I was doing. You know I tried just heading off to the
drug store with some Peacebang advice in my head–but being faced with
the myriad of choices was intimidating and I left empty handed, feeling
absolutely pathetic. Your email response to me was so encouraging (thank you!), and it inspired me to phone a friend. Thankfully, she took pity on me. We spent an evening together not only going and picking out lipstick together, but with me getting lessons on eyeshadow, eyeliner and face powder, too. Having her with me meant that I didn’t feel like an idiot in the cosmetics department, and we laughed a ton in front of the mirror. I now feel great, and have had lots of compliments on looking good. Next up: new hair, new glasses, and new clothes. I might need more friends!

Thank you for your help on my journey. And please keep writing–I can’t
tell you how many people I have directed to your blog because it is so
SO wonderful.

Peace,
K.

*wiping away tears*
She REACHED OUT! She CONQUERED her fears!
Now what I want to know is, what color is that, because it’s SUPER cute!

Lippily yours,
PB

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Dear PeaceBang,

I need your help! You can normally solve all beauty problems with such wit and wisdom and clarity of thought, so help me please!

All of a sudden my once lovely nails are all splitting, peeling and brittle. I’ve tried the usual things, wearing washing up gloves when doing the dishes, hand creams , keeping them short and using a buffer on them etc… Nothing seems to be working that well, but they are shinier than usual!

I’d read that nail varnish remover is not good for the long term health of the nail, so I’ve cut back on my nail colour matching my outfit!

Any ideas? I’m extra aware of the look of my nails and in ministry we use our hands a lot!

Any help you can give would be appreciated….thanks.

Shalom,
L.

Now, L., flattery will get you nowhere, darling, although you know I lap it up with great delight! But what is up with the nails, I wonder? Is this part of the whole Wonderful Menopause thing, perhaps? I would certainly say that avoiding all formaldehyde and acetone-based nail products is very important and for the time being, all products.

I’m just guessing here, but I wonder if your nails aren’t just rebelling against usual products inflicted upon them for year after year, just as happened to my lips a few summers ago when they cracked and peeled if I used any lipstick at all. Nail polish and remover are very toxic products, and you may want to seek out formulas by purveyors of natural cosmetics (a Google search should help, as will the comments and suggestions I feel certain will come from my wonderful readers).

Looks like Barielle makes such a line.

A daily supplement of Biotin (available at your local drugstore) may also help, and it will do nice things for your hair, too. Make sure to check with your doc before you start popping anything, though. And it wouldn’t hurt to ask if any drugs you’re currently taking might be causing the nail splitting.

Good luck, dear, and here’s hoping that your hands are looking as lovely as you want them to soon. The good thing about nails is that they do grow, and yours may just need a few months of growth to get stronger.

And remember, it could be worse. You could have THESE nails:

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Great balls o’ fire! Didn’t know that, did you? Because unlike PeaceBang, you have never, for instance, preached an ordination sermon at the end of August in Pittsburgh and actually needed to change your entire outfit afterwards because you could LITERALLY wring sweat out of your skirt. And unlike PeaceBang, you have never kept a hair dryer in your office for summer weddings and funerals so that you could officiate, blow dry your hair and then appear at the reception looking like an almost-normal human being. Unlike PeaceBang, you have never tucked a lightweight cotton hand towel into the back waistband of your pantyhose to catch the sweat that runs down your back before it drips down your legs and pools into your pumps.
You have never done these things because you are a LADY, and ladies don’t sweat, they glisten.

If that’s you, just move along then. Go be delicate, dry and fragrant somewhere else.

Here is a letter from a lady minister who not only glistens, she sweats. And she has a delicate problem caused by the necessity of wearing unnatural fibers:

I only wear my collar on Sundays and other holidays. I tend to wear a sleeveless shell with a cardigan or jacket. Here’s my problem- the man-made materials of my shirts eventually retain the smell of body odor and have to be thrown away! What are my other options? I prefer a wash and wear, because I do not iron.
I’ve had this problem with both the Almy and the WomenSpirit sleeveless clerical blouses.

Any thoughts?

My first thought, darling, is MITCHUM, which I think is the best deody-o made.
My second thought is “I’m glad I don’t wear a collar.” I’m quite partial to cotton, you see.
My third thought is, why not try those perspiration shields you can find in some of the older drugstores? Couldn’t hurt. It seems simply awful to spend all that money on the clerical shirts only to have to discard them. Would a good Woolite rinse after each wash prolong their life longer? Febreze?

Perspiring, clericals-wearing colleagues, chime in!

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Just found your website, and thank you! It’s wonderful!

I’m a new pastor, living in XX. (A new climate and culture for me- that’s relevant.) I’m having a blast shopping thrift and creating cute new outfits for myself- ask me sometime about how working with transgender women has given me permission to do this. But it is time for me to re-evaluate my make-up routine, both for professional reasons, and because my [new city's] dry heat in winter, gosh-awful humidity in the summer is doing awful things to my face.

But I have no earthly clue how to start with new make-up, esp on a budget! When I shop for myself at drugstores, I invariably come home with some color that doesn’t work *at all.* I’d love to get a make-over, but am scared of both the price and the scrutiny. Does one just walk up to a make-up counter at a department store and ask? Am I then obligated to buy their expensive stuff?

One other “help!” question I’ve yet to find on your site- I’m often invited, in my pastoral role, to go to drag bars, or places other than my seminary profs pictured me, to watch parishoners perform, or generally do what my church calls “beer evangelism.” I think this is wonderful! But haven’t a clue what to wear. I’m hyper-conscious that some folks may feel judged if I come across as too middle-class or uptight, but also don’t want to be believable as a pastor when introduced as such. I’ve considered dark jeans, black heeled boats, black leather blazer, and a cute v-neck underneath. Can you help?

Dear Newbie,
How lovely to hear from you, and thank you for loving BTFM! We love you right back!

Let me take your inquiries one at a time:

1. Moving to a new climate almost always creates problems with the hair and complexion. You may find it useful to stick with the most gentle products for awhile (Cetaphil cleanser, fragrance-free moisturizers and eye cream) to let your skin calm down. Stay hydrated. Do not panic and start slapping all kinds of chemical treatments on your face, which will only exacerbate problems: stick to a simple routine of cleansing, moisturizing and gently exfoliating. Use a good eye cream and sunscreen year-round. See the BTFM archives for TONS of product reviews of skin care products.

2. Don’t fear the make-over, but don’t go in for one unless you’re in an up and confident mood — confident enough to enjoy the suggestions you’re getting and to resist any hard sells. I know there’s a Sephora in your city; schedule a day and go get a make-over and play, play, play! Again, you’ll find tons of make-up tips and reviews in the archives here. It takes time to get to know what works for you, and there’s absolutely zero reason to buy expensive make-up when drugstore versions often do the job as well or better. I think that ALLURE magazine does a really good job teaching make-up tips to ordinary working women, while other fashion mags are much more fanciful with their looks. My list of the make-up basics would include a base for evening-out skin tone (I rarely use it on the entire face, just on ruddy areas), a loose powder and fluffy brush to clean up shinies, a neutral blush (look at Nars Orgasm for a universally flattering shade unless you have dark black skin), lipstick or gloss, eye shadow or liner, and mascara. As a 40-something gal, I am also very devoted to skin illuminating products, but I think you’re years away from needing those!
You can buy lipsticks and glosses from Wet ‘N’ Wild for under $3 each, which can start you off finding colors you like without making a huge investment. Ask friends if you can try their make-up on. Learn which brands highly pigment their products and which don’t (I, for instance, have often been furious to see that a lipstick that looked so pretty in its packaging wore as almost totally sheer on the lips). EXperiment, darling! Make-up knowledge takes time to develop. I’m a true cosmetics hound and even I make bummer purchases now and then, even with extensive knowledge of hundreds of brands and formulas.

3. I think you included a typo when you wrote of not wanting to be believable as a pastor when introduced as such. I think you meant that you DO want to be believable as a pastor. And my dear, nothing can do that you but your own belief that you are a real, live pastor. Clap your hands if you believe in pastors!! You’re not Tinkerbell, lambkins. You’re a minister. Wear what you like, and don’t try too hard or worry too much about how others see you. For instance, I think that a black leather jacket is a bit of overkill with the outfit you describe (unless you already have a leather jacket you love) and if I was a biker I might grin and think you were trying pretty hard to make me like you. If you’re middle-class, be middle class. If you don’t want to seem uptight and judgmental, let your demeanor take care of that, not your clothes. There’s a big difference between being thoughtful, respectful and appropriate with your clothing and taking them on as a kind of costume that “allows” you to be present to a community of folks, wherever they happen to be.

Your calling (ie, your vocation) is your calling card, not your clothes. And yes, I think jeans and a cute V-neck and blazer or jacket with boots sounds terrific. Add a genuine smile, a listening ear and eye contact to that combo and I’m sure you’ll be welcome wherever you go. Blessings, dear.

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I am SO excited to have found your website. I am desperately reading back entries to learn. I might even buy lipstick for the first time…(yes, I am 40 and have never done that. Yikes.)

I did a wedding on a tall ship last year and had terrible trouble with wind blowing my hair into my face (sadly, I have a photo). You wrote that I could wear a good hat to a graveside in winter. And that sunglasses on my head won’t do…so what’s a girl to do?

Dear K,
And we’re SO excited that you have found us! And we’re very excited about your Very First Lipstick. Please do send photos if you do purchase one. There’s a whole archived section on lippy, so hopefully you’ll find some good recommendations there.

Oh my heavens, those weddings on ships. PeaceBang did one once and found it most trying. Trying not to slide around on choppy waters (even while anchored) was one challenge. Trying to be heard above all the ambient harbor noise was another. And yes, I believe that the wind presented a third challenge, although more for hanging onto my folio than for hair issues.

Sunglasses on the head are an absolute no-no (as is wearing sunglasses during any rite of passage, no matter how much you have to squint). Now that I have longer hair, I have a few things that help keep it under control for outdoor services:

Option 1: A thick headband.
Option 2: The hair gathered into a low knot and clipped with a nice claw clip in back, and a thin headband to keep the shorter front pieces and bangs from flying in my eyes.
Option 3: When it’s humid enough for my hair to get curly, I let it air dry with clips and volumizer at the roots, finger-comb it when dry, then use two small tortoise claw clips to gently hold the sides back, one claw on each side and leaving most of the hair down. Then I slip a very tiny bobby pin into my bangs to keep them off my face. The whole thing looks loose and I hope pretty. I’ll try to find a photo when I can locate my camera’s adaptar cord!

Hope this helps!
Kiss of peace, PB

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Dear PeaceBang,

Kindly provide advice regarding cassocks & surplice for a size 8, 5′ 5″ deacon-in-training in the Episcopal Church.

Re: cassocks – anglican or roman?

Re: surplices – old english or american?

After viewing pics at www.almy.com I think that the anglican cassock will be as dreadful as a cinctured alb and that the American surplice will make me look short and squat. So far my only advice is from a male priest (who clearly understands nothing of the trauma of nipping in excess fabric at the waist) and a female priest (who has voted for comfort and fewer buttons over femininity).

Oh, PeaceBang, please help. These are too pricey to make a mistake.

Dearest K,
What are the other deacons-in-training around you wearing? I would definitely consult with them first. Welcome to the world of “Oh my LORD, vestments make my butt/waist look huge!” It’s part of our work, I’m afraid, and I wouldn’t fret overly about it. As I’ve written you privately, do take a look at the extensive archives on the subject, with special attention to the “Piskie” entries and comments. And I know that my readers are going to jump in here with loads of helpful ideas as they always do, because they’re the bestest!!

Kiss of peace, PB

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How can a parishioner gently tell a new DRE that her clothing is inappropriate? Last Sunday at the Christmas pageant the minister wore a robe and lovely crimson stole; the choirs were all in robes; the Joseph, Mary, Shepherds and Angels looked fabulous; and the DRE had a pale [color deleted to protect the innocent] shirt tail hanging out under a shapeless [color deleted until writer enters Witness Protection Program] pull-over jacket thing over black pants. She was the *only* person not dressed for the occasion, and I suspect she may try to pull the same outfit off on Christmas Eve.

She’s [middle-aged and I have reason to believe that she] comes from the “clothes are so bourgeois” school of fashion rejection. I *like* her, but I wish she’d honor our traditions. How can I help her understand that she looks like she doesn’t care about the pageant?

KIDS, DID YOU HEAR THAT? That part about SHE LOOKS LIKE SHE DOESN’T CARE? That’s what PeaceBang has been yammering on about for lo these past years or so. Harken! Harken up!

Cringing with bummerdom, I responded by saying,

Ohhhh boy, that’s a tough one. But if you have the courage to tell her directly, I would. I would just pull her aside, gently and kindly say right to her face exactly what you said to me, pat her on the arm, and beat it the hell out of there. It’s not a discussion, it’s an important piece of information for her to have. “You look like you don’t care” should prompt her to get her act together. If she doesn’t, I would talk to the minister (assuming that the minister is the DRE’s supervisor). Tell the minister that the DRE needs guidance in dressing more appropriately for special occasions (which would include all Sundays in my not-so humble opinion).

There’s no easy way to say, “That skirt is really cute but it’s just too short for church” to an intern or “You have a piece of toilet paper stuck to your shoe” to a music director. But sometimes it has to be done. I take the cue from my parishioners who have collared me on my way into the sanctuary on Sunday mornings to whisper things like, “I knew you’d want to know that your skirt is stuck in the waist of your pantyhose” or “Come here, you have something stuck in your teeth, go check before you go out there.” It’s not personal, it doesn’t mean you’re not loved. It’s important information. Treat it lightly, say what you need to say, and remember that feedback given in a straightforward and respectful manner is never humiliating. A bit of humor couldn’t hurt, either, if you have a good enough rapport to fit it in gracefully.

Good luck, writer!

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I hope you are well and ready for this weekend and the next!

I’ve wanted to write to you for a long time, so here we go!

Here’s the background: I’ve just begun the transition into pulpit ministry at my home church. I’m 42 and I’ve been a member since I was 7. (Yes, this is crazy. All of my clergy friends have told me so, and I’ve encountered lots of challenges. But I digress… That’s a separate email!) It’s been over 20 years since my church has had a woman associate minister, so I know I’m setting a tone. No pressure, right?

Here’s the situation: I am a big girl. I’m 5′11″ and my size ranges from 16-20. I love pants and I’m not a fan of jackets. I love long sweater cardigans and tops. My pastor and I don’t robe up every Sunday, but every now and then I direct the choir, and I need to make sure my glory is always covered. This summer/fall I discovered that some of those cute knee-length and above-the-knee dresses that are all over the place will work as tunic length tops for me. The cut has to be right, but I’ve found a couple that will work. (I have a pic of one.)

This weekend I was out shopping with my mother looking for a belt to wear with a cute Vera Wang dress she bought at Kohls. My mother told me in a way that only a mother can that I had gained a lot of weight lately and maybe I shouldn’t wear a belt with it. She suggested I wear something around my neck that would draw attention away from my waist. Sigh. After she saw the look on my face (keep blinking back those tears), she started trying to help me find a belt. It was too late. I ended up a couple of funky, long necklaces and wore them instead. It looked ok, but it’s not what I had envisioned.

So, do I have to wait until I’m a size 12 to wear a belt around my waist? Should I then toss out the (faux) wrap dresses in my closet? I don’t have a well-defined waist, so maybe I should avoid trying to define. ??? Do I ban my mother from shopping trips? Haha

If it helps, I have a couple of photos.

Thanks for everything you do.

I wrote back thusly,

Hi dear!
Well, belts can be tough. They really do work wonderfully to create a waist for those who don’t have much of one, but if we’re super lumpy, a smoothing undergarment helps a belt do its job.
It depends on what kind of big girl you are. If you’re tall and heavy and basically not a series of meatballs lumped on top of each other, as I am, I think wrap dresses and belts sound smashing. Why the heck not?

I think keeping the line of the clothes long and fluid (with cardies, etc.) is great for elongating the shape and creating an elegant look. Sometimes, seriously, a big necklace around the neck can chop up the body and make us look chunkier. So there, Mom! Strategizing the length of the necklace is important to avoid that.

Why don’t you send photos? Although my immediate sense is that you know exactly what you’re doing and just suffered the insecurity that any of us would feel after a Mom Bomb.

So K sent me these photos:

Vera Wang at Kohl’s. I seriously LOVE this. I actually love the long necklaces and prefer them to a belt. They’re very chic and the combo looks super comfy as well. Bonus!

Shoes by Sofft. What a wonderful color shoe for any pastor’s wardrobe. Goes with navy, black, grey, ivory, brown… great investment, because Sofft shoes are not cheap.

I love this tunic look — she’s shaped it wonderfully, it’s a terrific print for her, and the pants are just right. Hair, make-up, big smile… it all works to great effect. Brava!

After getting a gander at these photos, I wrote back to K,

I totally love these looks! This is the kind of thing I’m talking about — just bringing some pizzazz and creativity to our clothing. I LOVE the dresses and pants thing, because you have got the proportions exactly right: nothing is too big or too small, the belt is a great width for you (if you did a thin belt with that outfit it would be too bitsy with the bold colors, although I think you could do a thin belt with a more traditional sweater set combo. Sure, something at the neck would have been a nice touch with the orange dress but since it’s a fun print, you’re certainly not drab without it.
LOVE the purple shoes — we’ve got to get those online.
As far as the unintentionally hurtful mother thing, who can’t relate to that!!?So I encourage you to take mom on shoe shopping expeditions and jewelry/accessory/bag expeditions and invite a supportive friend to do the clothes shopping with. Seriously. Those throwaway “I’m just trying to help” comments can be so loaded with ancestral, internalized misogyny that we have to treat them as major emotional dangers. I look at you and I’m like, DAMN, WHAT A BABE! And a babe who knows how to dress.

Right?

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Message: What to wear to a Church Event where I’m not there as the priest…*sigh*

The Good: I’m getting married in February! Yay.

The Bad: We are getting married at the church where I am the priest. It is good, but it makes the fishbowl that much bigger.

The Ugly: There’s an event coming up in January where the parish is feting my beloved and I. Normally I’d wear something like a skirt and clerical shirt, but for this event, I’d like to wear a dress with no clerics. Is that okay?

Many thanks and Christmas Blessings.

PeaceBang responded,

YAY!!! YAY! YAY!!!
Girl, don’t you DARE worry about looking anything like a priest on these occasions. You just be a pretty bride and absolutely have a wonderful time.

All clear on that? When your nuptials are happening at your own church, you just go ahead and be the blushing bride and leave the collar at home in the closet where it belongs. Okay?
All good blessings to Andrea and her beloved for a beautiful wedding and a happy, healthy and long marriage.

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I have a “beauty” (procedure is more like it) question for you. I am not ordained…obviously. I am currently in the process of entering Full Communion with the Roman Catholic Church (although I would prefer to think of it as the Universal Catholic Church…but I digress.) In any case, I am participating in a Festival of Young Preachers in January. In essence, I will be giving a sermon to a large crowd of people (some preaching professionals and some of my peers.) When I did pulpit supply for the UCC, I wore an alb (no stole) or a choir robe-type thing. I won’t be “officially” Catholic until Easter. The Festival organizers are encouraging us to wear whatever we would find ourselves wearing in our ministry. In my UCC ministry days, that was clear. Now that I’m becoming Catholic, it is not so clear. I won’t be ordained as a Catholic priest for some time (if that is the road that I end up going…) and there rules are a little more strict on who a priest is what he(and I’ll say it…she) can wear. So…what should I wear to the festival? I want to represent both side of my spirituality–the UCC and the RC aspects of my self.

Thanks and God is Love,

Young Preacher

Dear Young Preacher,
First of all, congratulations on your upcoming preaching gig! Did you know that the word “gig” comes from the old blues musicians, who were often broke (as musicians are these days as well) and would remark after getting a job, “Good is good!” This expression got abbreviated to “G.I.G.” and then became the word “gig.” I just heard this today and it might be a big old urban myth or plain lie or misinformation or whatever, but I LOVE it and so I’m passing it along without checking on its factualness. Anyone who wants to RUIN MY DAY by telling me that the word gig actually derives from the French word “gigue” or something, just go ahead. Be a smartypants.

ANYWAY, to your question, Young Preacherman. My first thought is that you’re thinking a bit too hard about this. You’re a Christian. You believe that God is love. You speak of the Church Universal. You are becoming a Catholic but won’t be one until Easter and won’t be a priest until long after that, if ever. The conference organizer encourages you to wear what you would wear in your ministry. Right now, what is your ministry? Because, my dear, I think if you go about trying to represent “both sides” of your spirituality (are they really sides?), you’ll wind up looking a hot ecumenical mess. And if I may be so bold as to offer a mentor-ish type observation, I would question your separation of UCC/RC as “two aspects” of yourself. They are not actually aspects of you, but are two distinct traditions, each with their own traditions of liturgical vestments. So this isn’t actually so much about you and your love and respect for both traditions, nor is it about your transition from one to the other: it is about which one you can and should properly represent at this conference while you are preaching. If you aren’t a Catholic, don’t vest like one. If you aren’t an ordained Protestant minister, don’t vest like one. If you are, at that moment, a Protestant seminarian, wear what a Protestant seminarian would wear. As a general conferee, you can wear whatever you like that identifies your eclectic spirituality identity, but not as a preacher. Like I said, “hot ecumenical mess.”

Best of luck, dearie, and God is love.
*Mwah* Kiss of peace.

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